GABE

 

I was an arsehole.

I was every name I had ever been called and worse. I didn’t expect to feel so guilty. The lead up was a game, a challenge, but when it was all said and done, I felt guilty as hell. She didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

It didn’t hit me until I woke the next morning. It took me a few moments to figure out where I was, as I usually always woke up in my own bed. Regardless if I had shared a bed, a couch, or the backseat of a car with someone earlier, I always dusted myself off and returned home. I don’t know what was different that made me stay. I didn’t even decide to spend the night, I just woke up there. There was something so satisfying, so rewarding about having sex with Lauren, that I must have fallen asleep.

When I woke, her body was entangled in mine and the feel of her breasts, so soft, so full, pressed against my skin, meant I instantly got a hard on. I didn’t realise she was awake until she started running her fingers over my chest. I couldn’t ever remember being so hard. It didn’t normally work like this. Usually, I woke with a hangover and alone, having had a drunken and sloppy fuck the night before, well, at least on my end. I'd never had this. I tried to stay still, tried to force myself to resist as she ran the tips of her fingers over my flesh, but in the end, it was simply too much and the urge to fuck her won.

As I said, I was an arsehole. I should have never taken that stupid bet. I should have never gone near her.

I couldn’t face her. One look at me and what I had done would be written all over my face. Instead, being the coward that I was, I called in sick and then begged for an advance on my wages. Technically, I had won the bet. I just wished I hadn’t. Mark was surprised when I handed him the money. I didn’t offer any explanation, just shoved it in his hand and walked off. 

Three days later and I still hadn’t faced her. I spent my time playing x-box in my room and beating the shit out of the boxing bag. I had callouses on my knuckles to prove it.

She called once. I cursed myself for not answering but she deserved so much better than a jerk like me. The message she left was casual but forced. She had heard I was sick and was just checking to make sure I was okay. I never called her back. And she never tried again.

My flatmates assumed I was pissed because I didn’t score, but I knew Drew, at least, suspected there was more to it. He usually did.

Sleeping with her had changed things for me. I couldn’t think about that night, or rather, the next morning, without getting aroused. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she was the first person in recent history I could remember making love to when I wasn’t shit-faced.

Or, maybe it was the fact that I had just referred to it as making love.

Whatever it was, I needed to stay away. I knew how these things worked. Even if I ignored the guilt I felt, she would find out eventually. Mark would open his trap or Drew or Stefan would blurt it out one drunken night. And then she would look at me with those lonely eyes and I wouldn’t be able to stand it. Of course, I would have to face her eventually, but I would prefer it if she thought of me as a general arsehole rather than a specific one.

Pulling myself up from my bed, I walked into the lounge. Drew was there, watching some crap on TV.

“Hey man,” he said as I passed.

I grunted and reached for the bottle of bourbon on the bench. The one in my room was empty, not that it had done its job. Getting drunk was supposed to make me forget what a jerk I was, not make me think about it more.

“So, everything’s good?” Drew turned down the volume a couple of notches. He obviously thought we were going to talk.

“Yep,” I replied gruffly and flopped down on the bean bag. I lifted the bottle and took a long drink.

“Nothing you want to talk about?”

I glared at him and took another swig. “Nope.”

“Fine.” Drew nodded and turned the volume back up. We sat and watched the investigation of some dude who chopped up people for fun. I couldn’t understand why people watched that shit. Zombies, sure, but not real stuff. Not reality. Then, the volume turned back down and I looked over to Drew, preparing for another question.

“What?” I asked when he said nothing.

“So you lost?”

“Lost what?” Then, it dawned on me. “The bet? Yeah, I lost.”

“And you’re dark about it.”

“I’m not dark because I lost the fucking bet.” I lifted the bottle to my mouth. “Seriously? You think I’d be sore about that?”

“Well, something’s eating at you. What did you expect me to think?”

“I’d expect you not to assume I was so fucking shallow.” I was highly pissed off. Blood pulsed through my veins. I needed to use the boxing bag again.

“Sorry, man. Just thought you might want to talk about it.”

I ran my hand through my hair and looked at him. The volume went down some more. “It didn’t go down how you think.”

Drew didn’t say anything. He just lifted his beer and drank.

“I won,” I snapped.

“You fucked her?”

“I wooed her.”

“You’re really going with that?”

“Whatever. The point is, I won the bet. I just didn’t want Mark knowing.”

Drew shook his head. “I don’t get it.”

“I won and it made me feel like shit. I just don’t want her to find out and hate me, okay?”

“So you’re planning on ‘wooing’ her again?”

“No,” I scoffed. Why couldn’t he understand? I just needed to not be hated by her. I wanted her to smile when she saw me, not scowl. “I just feel guilty or something. I shouldn’t have done it. It was stupid.”

“You like her,” Drew said, smirking.

I took another swig of bourbon. I guess I liked being around her. It felt good. I liked watching her as she talked. Her face was so expressive, so animated and when she laughed she threw her head back and laughed properly, not all fake and giggly or hiding behind her hair. And it wasn’t just when she was doing the talking, either. When I spoke, she looked at me as though I was the only person that mattered. When I was around her, I felt like she saw me in a different way than other people did.

“Shit,” I said and stared at Drew. “I think I do.” Somewhere along the line, things had changed. I was just too fucking stupid to see it. Now I just had to hope she would forgive my stupidity.