LAUREN

 

On my day off I lay in bed and watched TV, trying to block the memory of sleeping with Gabe out of my mind. Everything was twisted in there and I didn’t know which images to trust. The ones where it felt like heaven? Or the ones where I literally threw myself at him the next morning like some strange sex-craved cougar?

I didn’t know how casual sex worked. Were there certain things you did or didn’t do? Had I crossed some imaginary line that meant he couldn’t even face me for days after?

My phone had been ringing since nine in the morning. Mother called, Morgan called, and then Peta called, twice. I let them all go to voicemail, and Smudge watched on in disgust. Even though no one knew what had happened between Gabe and me, I still felt foolish. I just wanted to press the undo button. But there was none.

When Peta called the third time, I caved to Smudge’s indignant glare and answered.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey, yourself.” I tried to sound lively.

“Are you okay? I’ve been trying to call and so has your sister.”

“Morgan called you?”

“Your mother called her,” Peta said.

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Just feeling a little under the weather and I couldn’t be bothered picking up.”

“Okay, well just let me know if you need tomorrow off. I might be able to get Gabe to come in early to cover you.”

My heart pounded a little harder. “Is he coming back to work tomorrow?”

“He’s here now,” she said. “Must have sorted whatever he needed to. He’s rather quiet though.” She laughed. “Well, quiet for Gabe, anyway.”

I swallowed. “Okay. Well, I’ll text you if I’m still not feeling well tomorrow. But I’m sure I’ll be fine. I just need a good night’s sleep.”

Gabe was back at work.

Tomorrow, I would see him.

I should probably get out of bed and practise my, ‘I’m-perfectly-fine-it-didn’t-mean-anything-to-me-either-I-sleep-with-guys-almost-a-decade-younger-than-me-all-the-time,’ face in the mirror. Pulling the covers up closer to my chin, I closed my eyes.

It could wait.

* * *

I watched the clock all day. The closer it got to four o’clock the more nervous I got. I told myself to do everything within my power to act normal, as if I threw myself at men all the time. So when someone cleared their throat behind me, I mustered all the strength I could and turned around with a blank, but strong, expression.

It was soon replaced with shock.

Derek was kneeling on the ground, a bunch of flowers in his hands, the entire café silent and watching.

I lowered myself down to his ear. “What are you doing?” I hissed.

“Please,” he said quietly. “Just go with me.” He cleared his throat again. “Lauren Lees,” he began, giving me a hesitant grin at the use of my former nickname. “I’ve been a complete idiot and I know I have no right to ask you to forgive me. So, I’m not going to. I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness, not yet. What I want to ask you is, will you give me a chance to earn the right to ask for that forgiveness?”

“Derek,” I half whispered, half hissed. “Don’t do this. Not here.”

The café was deadly silent. The customers looked at me expectantly, some with hopeful expressions on their faces, others with expressions that simply read, hurry up.  A gust of wind flowed in as the door swung open and Gabe burst inside. He saw Derek on his knees and looked to me.

“Lauren?” His eyes flicked between Derek and me.

Derek, having recovered from the interruption and completely oblivious to who Gabe was, turned back to face me, and lifted the flowers higher. “Lauren Lees, would you please go out to dinner with me?”

My heart was in my throat. I looked from Derek back up to Gabe, whose eyes were wide and studying mine questioningly. But then his gaze dropped to the ground and I caught a glimpse of the guilt held behind them. I knew I meant nothing to him.

Derek cleared his throat again. “An answer would be nice.” Some of the customers laughed. I looked around at all the people staring, waiting for my answer and smiled hesitantly.

Gabe looked up again and I couldn’t help but look back at him. But the guilt was still there and I knew he was just gauging my reaction to him, attempting to ascertain what level of hatred was in my eyes. I let them glaze over and turned all my attention to Derek. Even though everything in me felt like screaming at him for putting me in this situation, I couldn’t bear to see him embarrassed. 

“Yes,” I replied and the café broke into applause. Derek got to his feet and handed me the bunch of yellow daisies. He kissed me on the cheek and murmured thank you in my ear.

“You don’t know how nervous I was,” Derek said.

“There was no need to be nervous,” I replied sharply. “You should have known there was no way I would have refused you in front of all these people.”

He caught the anger in my tone. “I’m sorry, Lauren. I just thought a grand gesture would tell you how serious I was, how much I want you back and might show I know I’ve been a complete idiot.” He dropped his head under my harsh glare. “You don’t have to come to dinner if you don’t want.”

“I’m working tonight, anyway.”

“What about tomorrow night?”

“I’ll have to check with Peta as I’m scheduled to work.” I folded my arms. “What happened to the man-stealing-bitch?”

“Tracey?”

I nodded. “That’s what I said.”

“She…” Derek dropped his gaze. “Well, it’s a long story but she isn’t in my life anymore.” He looked back up and rested his hand on my folded arms. “Look, I don’t want to go into it here, in front of all these people.”

“Well, perhaps you should have thought about that before barging into my workplace and making a scene.”

He took a step back. “I promise, I’ll explain everything tomorrow. Just give me a chance. One dinner is all I’m asking.”

It took all my will power not to look around for Gabe, even as my former fiancé was standing in front of me, begging for a second chance. I knew this man. I knew what to expect of him. I knew what he expected of me. I softened a little but still kept my arms firmly crossed over my chest.

“I said I’d go to dinner as long as Peta doesn’t mind me taking the time off. I’ll text you tomorrow, but, as for now, I really need to get back to work.”

Derek smiled and it was a familiar smile, one that I knew how to read. He was genuinely happy and I couldn’t help returning it, just a little.

“You won’t regret it, Lauren,” he said.

I turned away without saying a word and walked into the staff room. I needed to be alone. I needed to breathe. I sat down on a bag of beans and took a deep but shaky breath. Peta popped her head around the corner moments later.

“Well?” she said and took a seat on the bag next to mine.

I rolled my eyes and took another deep breath.

“Were you expecting that?”

I shook my head. I hadn’t even heard from Derek since that day he came into the café.

“You okay with it?” she asked quietly, rubbing my back.

I shrugged, unable to trust myself to speak. The events of the last few days had left me feeling exhausted and this last encounter with Derek was a weighted pressure that was proving to be a little too heavy.

Peta patted my back. “You know I’m with you whatever, right?”

I nodded and pushed back the tears that were threatening. “I suppose one meal won’t hurt me,” I said finally, trying not to let my voice crack. “Can I have tomorrow evening off work? Maybe Gabe could cover.” I wiped away the tears from under my eyes that had escaped.

“Something strange is going on with him. Have you noticed?” Peta said, no doubt thinking that directing the conversation his way would distract me from my current woes. Little did she know.

“What do you mean?” I grabbed the corner of my shirt sleeve and used it to wipe under my eyes, removing any mascara smudged by tears.

“Lazy bugger didn’t even start his shift. He just walked out. Not sure what’s going on with him but he better sort it soon. Good looks can only get him so far.”

I was actually grateful that I wouldn’t be working with him that night and breathed a little easier. “Goodness knows with that one.” I tried to sound light hearted but failed miserably.

“Oh, Ren,” Peta said, wrapping her arm around my shoulder and pulling me into her. “Why don’t you just work the eight to five shift for the next week or so? It will give you the chance to sort things out with Derek. Or not.”

“You sure?” I sniffed. Working that shift would mean I would only have to spend an hour or so around Gabe. “Would you mind terribly if I just went home now, though? I still don’t think I’m feeling all that great.” I hated lying to my best friend but I just couldn’t face telling her the truth right now.

I was crying over a one night stand.

* * *

Once home, I hopped into my pyjamas and flopped onto the couch. I didn’t eat. I didn’t drink. I just sat and let the wonders of reality TV numb me from my own life. Around nine o’clock, I began to feel a little hungry so I pulled out the ice cream from the freezer and ate it straight out of the tub. The doorbell rang and I sighed, knowing it would be Derek. That man never had any patience. If you ever said yes to anything, he expected it right away.

“I said tomorrow,” I started to say as I pulled the door open. But it was Gabe standing there. A flush of heat ran over me and I pulled myself up a little straighter and wiped at the smear of ice cream on the front of my t-shirt. “Sorry, I thought you were Derek.”

Gabe stood with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his overly baggy jeans and stared at me hesitantly from under a backwards facing cap. It made him look even younger. “Can I come in?” he asked quietly, not yet meeting my gaze fully.

“It’s late.” I leaned against the door frame and folded my arms, trying to still the butterflies that were floating through every part of me.

He chewed on his lip and I momentarily got lost remembering the way his mouth felt on my skin.

Finally, he spoke. “So you’re getting back with the soy-loving-ex?”

“I’m going to dinner with him. It’s not the same thing.” I waited for him to say more but he just kept looking between me and the ground, chewing on his lip. “Look,” I said finally. “It’s late. Is there something you want, Gabe?”

“I just want to make sure you don’t hate me.”

“Why would I hate you?”

Gabe looked down to the ground. “Because I was a jerk. I should have called or something.”

“It’s fine, Gabe. I’m not some little girl who expects you to marry her now that you’ve slept with her. I know what it was.”

“You do?”

I looked back up, and his eyes were hooded with guilt. “Just go home, Gabe. I’ll see you at work.”

“So we’re still friends?”

“That’s all we’ve ever been, isn’t it?”

He swallowed. “Right.”

“Goodnight, Gabe,” I said and began to shut the door.

“Lauren?” His voice was thick and his eyes desperate. “Don’t go back to him.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” He sighed deeply. “Because you deserve better.” He turned and left me standing with the door open.