LAUREN

 

That night I lay in bed and stretched my arms out across the wide mattress. It’s strange how the heart could still long for the very thing that hurt it.

I met Derek when I was sixteen so I could barely remember a time without him. We were high-school sweethearts, and I followed him south, keen to get into the real estate business, once he realised his dream of living fulltime off the band was never going to come to fruition. I played with my photography business and he sat his real estate exams.

There were times I used to fantasise about being single. About the little things, mostly, like watching whatever TV show I wanted without a running commentary of how pathetic it was, or cooking nothing but eggs on toast for an entire week if I felt like it. Stupid little things. But when my fantasy came true five months ago, the reality was shit. My fantasy was supposed to stay where it belonged; inside my head.

Derek sat me down one night after dinner. I had cooked a meal I knew he liked, thanks to a recipe and constant on-call advice from Peta. Slow-cooked beef brisket, creamy mashed potatoes, honey-glazed carrots and sautéed cabbage. It may not have turned out quite the same as if Peta had cooked it, and it looked slightly like a Pinterest fail, but it was the effort that counted. At least, I thought it was.

He took my hands in his and looked deeply into my eyes as we sat opposite each other at the table. It happened often, these ‘talks’ of his, so I wasn’t concerned. In fact, I wasn’t even really listening. I was prepared for another speech on how I needed to get out of the house more and be more social, on how I needed to do something other than work, on how I needed to get my life back. But there was something different about this time. It wasn’t the words that made me realise it wasn’t one of his usual talks. It was the fact that he was nervous. Derek oozed confidence, even when he didn’t have any. It was a particular talent of his.

He swallowed and took a deep breath before talking. “You know I love you, don’t you?”

I smiled slowly as a flutter of worry passed over me. “Of course, I love you too.”

“These past few years have been wonderful and I know the loss of the baby—”

I flinched at the words and tears came unbidden. It had been two years but the pain was still there. Tears were my body’s unwanted response to the memory.

Derek dropped my hands and got to his feet. “See, this is what I’m talking about, Lauren. We can’t even talk without you bursting into tears.”

I couldn’t help it then, the tears spilled over my eyes and trickled down my cheeks. I hurriedly wiped them away but they continued to fall and I stared at him through blurred vision.

“I can’t do this anymore.” He didn’t look at me. “We don’t belong together. You, me, we’re too different.”

I got to my feet and touched his arm gently. “I will be better.” I plastered on my most convincing smile, though my eyes were still swimming with tears I couldn’t control. “I promise. I will be better. I will try harder.”

Derek was a far more social creature than I. He longed for a return to the days when I eagerly clung to his side, content just to be anywhere he was. But since that day, my desire for a social life had lessened. He thought I was depressed, and for a while, I was. For the first three months I could barely get out of bed. I didn’t want to. But then I started working for Derek and threw everything into my job. It was my distraction.

But it wasn’t enough for Derek, despite asking for my hand in marriage only months earlier.

“It’s too late.” He turned from me and sighed deeply, his shoulders rising and falling dramatically. “I’m leaving.” His eyes drifted over to a suitcase sitting by the door. I hadn’t even noticed it.

Derek was my everything. But I never realised just how much of my everything he was until he was no longer there. We had been together for thirteen years, and for the last year and a half, we had also worked together. Losing Derek didn’t mean just losing my fiancé. It meant losing my fiancé, my job, my home and, it appeared, most of my friends.

But later that night after our talk, having decided I needed to see him again, beg him to stay with me if that’s what it took, everything changed. I drove to the office, knowing that was where he would be, and walked in to find him on top of a fellow agent. Literally on top. As in, she was spread across the desk, legs wide and Derek was thrusting into her like someone possessed.

It was a lot easier to let him go after that.

My phone lit up and my mother’s face crossed the screen. I let it vibrate, waiting for it to go to voicemail. After a few guilty moments with Smudge staring at me accusingly, I called her back.

“Hey, Mother,” I said in what I hoped was a chirpy voice.

“Hello, Lauren. Hey is not a greeting. Hay is what cows eat.”

I rolled my eyes, held the phone away from me and gave it the finger. Smudge stood up, turned, and sat back down facing the other way, disgusted by my behaviour.

“When are you going to get a real phone line, Lauren? I hate talking on these cell phones. They cause ear cancer.”

“You’re not talking on a cell phone, Mother, I am. There is no point paying extra for a land line.”

“You had a land line with Derek.”

“Yes, I did.”

I fell silent until it grew awkward and she couldn’t handle it anymore. “How was your new job making coffee? Your sister told me.”

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. “It was great, Mother.”

“You’re not very talkative tonight. Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine. Just a little tired, I’ve been on my feet all day.”

“Derek misses you.”

“Derek chose to leave, not me.”

“But there had to be a reason. Men just don’t up and leave their wives for no reason. Are you sure you won’t take him back?”

“We weren’t married. I was never his wife, and Derek doesn’t want to come back.” We’d had this conversation many times.

“What God has put together—” she began.

“Let no man put asunder. I know, Mother. But technically, God hadn’t put us together, well, he hadn’t yet.”

“Well, I’m pleased you enjoyed your new job, even if I don’t understand why you had to get a new one. You were so happy with Derek and he loved having you work for him.”

With him, I wanted to correct, but held my tongue. “Look, I really am tired. I’m going to go to sleep now, Mother. Tell Dad I love him.”

“I will.” And then she hung up. It annoyed me how she never said goodbye. She simply hung up.

Flicking through my contacts, I sent my sister a text message.

 

Me: She still blames me. Thanks for telling her I started a new job.

Morgan: Hope your first day went well. Why don’t you just tell her about the man-stealing-bitch?

Me: Because somehow it would still be my fault. First day was fine. Scary. No idea what I’m doing.

Morgan: You’ll figure it out. You always do.

Morgan: Got to go. Madi is still on the phone with her latest crush and we told her to get off the phone half an hour ago. Going to go get my yell on. Talk tomorrow.

 

Putting my phone aside, I rolled over and pulled my knees tight to my chest, ducking my head under the blankets, feeling small in the big bed, and wishing I wasn’t alone.

I wished I could be annoyed at the catch in Derek’s breath as he slept. I wished that I had the warmth of someone close to me. I wished that I had someone to share the night with, other than a Smudge of a cat.