Chapter 12
I Just Want You
Bryant
She tensed in my arms, an unsure look visible on her face. She didn’t trust me. It was written all over her, the way her body moved to her timid smile. I wrapped my right hand around her waist and grasped her right hand with my left.
“You know the basics, we will start there. I’ll lead.”
Sure enough, and true to her word, she stepped on my feet. She giggled but her face turned a brilliant shade of red. “I wasn’t lying.”
I shrugged and pulled her closer. “I didn’t think you were. Close your eyes and relax. Trust me.” I whispered the last part, somehow thinking that would make a difference in whether she would trust me.
I had the song on repeat because I was not letting her leave without teaching her a few moves. I felt selfish, knowing I didn’t care if she learned a single step. I wanted the excuse to hold her, to touch her. With a few tries, I felt her body relax. I kept my eyes on her eyelids as she struggled to keep them closed, a smile appearing here and there. Her long lashes, though curled upward, touched the skin just above her cheeks.
We moved around in my living room, sticking to the basics at first and then I threw in a twirl here and there. She tripped the first couple of times and then she improved. Her eyes opened and she stared down at her feet, not believing that she was doing so well. I smiled at her when she widened her eyes.
“It’s going to get harder.” I said before spinning her away from me and then back to her original position in my arms.
She nodded with understanding and bit her lip. A small fantasy played out in my mind where I put my lips over hers. I wanted to kiss her more than I’ve ever wanted to kiss another woman. Her smile that seemed so innocent, her eyes that bounced with a life she felt guilty of living, and the little freckles that she tried so hard to cover up—all of it made me want to kiss her like neither one of us had been kissed before.
I mentally shook the thoughts from my head, trying to focus on what we were doing. I lead her behind me, spinning her out again and then grabbing both of her hands, I twirled with her. She laughed as she stumbled through the steps and I’d never seen or heard anything more beautiful. She needed to laugh more often. I would probably do something cheesy and set her laugh as my ring tone if it meant I could hear it at least once a day.
“This isn’t fair!” She exclaimed, before tumbling to the floor in a seizure of giggles.
I picked her up, my hands placed under her arms. “It’s not supposed to be fair.” I challenged. “If it were easy everyone would be doing it. Come on, one more time and then I’ll let you off the hook.”
To be honest, I didn’t want to teach her all of it tonight. I wanted to use the dancing lessons to my advantage. I would get to see her more which meant I could show her she could trust me. She needed someone to trust, and I had the assumption that she had one person in her life that she could trust. Cricket. Anyone within a few feet of them could see it. Cricket was very protective of her, though I don’t think Amberly knew it. She told me she would break my face if I broke her heart.
I didn’t want to break her heart. I wanted to fill it.
After the song had played a dozen or so times, we stopped and I gathered my keys to take her back to her apartment.
Once we were both seated, waiting for my truck to warm up, she covered her hand over my hand that was resting on the console. “Thank you, Bryant.” I felt the cold drifting off her skin and that made me want to pull her over the console and warm her body with my own.
“You probably need a few more sessions with me until you’re doing it without thinking about it.” I cocked my head to the side, hoping she would agree to another round.
Once the truck warmed, I drove down the driveway and got onto the main road.
“Is that so?” That laugh again.
I nodded, my eyes still trained on the road. She kept quiet for the rest of the ride to her place. She said so much without even talking. Silence wasn’t a stranger to her.
When we pulled up to a parking space in front, I got out of the truck and opened the door for her. Before she could say anything, I said, “I know, not a date.”
She bit her lip and closed her eyes for a brief moment. As they opened again I could see a sliver of a difference in the way she looked at me. “We’re close but not there yet.”
“In that case,” I licked my lips, “I better present you with a few rules by Monday.”
She gathered her purse from the floor board and walked passed me, turning around to face me after she’d taken a few steps. “I mean it, thank you. For everything you did today. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not a mom anymore and that scares me more than the day I found out I was going to be one.”
I decreased the distance between us by marching toward her. She was frozen in that moment, unsure of what I might do. Hell, at this point I don’t even know what I planned on doing. It all came as an immediate reaction to the words she let come past those lips.
I cupped my hands around her face and make her look at me. “You are a mom. You’ll always be a mom. Just because Haylie is there and not here doesn’t take away the title you rightfully possess.” I stared at her for a few moments, trying to read her in any way. I wanted to receive some sort of reaction out of her. How did she feel in this position? With my hands resting against her cheeks and my face remarkably close to her?
Her breath quickened but she didn’t move. We were both staring at each other, waiting for the next move. I shut my mind down, excluding it from what was about to happen and why it was a bad idea. I acted on instinct alone. A very misplaced and fucked up instinct that appeared out of nowhere. This entire time, I had been thinking of doing it and then refusing to let it happen. For the sake of her. For the sake of neither of us being ready for it.
My lips fell tenderly to hers. I tried to kiss away the pain. I tried to kiss away the affliction that ravished her body each day. I tried to kiss away the sadness that hide in the reflection of her eyes. At this point, I didn’t want the kiss for myself. I wanted it for her. Her lips were warm against mine, moving as if she was accepting what was happening. I heard her purse drop to the concrete below and her hands reached up and tugged the sweatshirt I was wearing. It’s as though she wanted me to get closer, even though I was close as physically possible.
I refused to think, letting her body take what it needed. My tongue slide across her top lip and she groaned, meeting my tongue with her own. The kiss, starting slow at first, had escalated. She clawed at my body, her moans breaking the harmony of the snow fall. My hands fell away from her face and I started tugging at the fabric at the back of her sweater. I pinned her hips against me and a groan floated past her lips. No doubt she could feel everything she was doing to me.
Her teeth scratched across my bottom lip and it made me want to open my truck door back up and throw her in the backseat. A million R-rated thoughts invaded my mind, not a single innocent one played out to remind me I hadn’t even taken her out on a date. As if she could read my mind she stepped away, breaking our connection. Her breaths were coming out ragged and her lips swollen from desire. She picked up her purse and shook her head in quick movements, as though she were trying to rid herself of the memory of the kiss.
“Amberly…” I let my words trail off, unsure of what I was trying to say to begin with. I couldn’t tell her I was sorry because I wasn’t. That kiss did more than turn us both on. It woke up her senses, senses that had been dead for a long time.
She held up a hand, her other hand covering her lips. I couldn’t let her say what I knew she was about to say. I stopped her. I held her face in my hands, both stunned by what I was doing.
“Before you say that this was a mistake, before you say that you regret giving in to my advances, I need you to know something. I don’t want anything from you, Amberly. I’m not asking for anything you aren’t ready to give. But, I’m ready. I’m ready to give you everything you need, even if I get nothing in return. If the only thing I get out of this, whatever this is, is seeing you smile again, seeing you live again, that’s enough for me.”
She tried to look down, but I wouldn’t let her. I needed her to look at me to see the truth that I couldn’t show her with my words. She gave up easier than I expected, meeting my gaze with a heated one of her own. I could see her weighing my words, seeing if I was being honest with her. I was. I was just lying to myself. I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t need her as much as I felt she needed me. The moments with her couldn’t be about that though. They had to be about what she wanted, about what she needed. I just wanted her. In whatever way I could have her.
“I know you need to heal yourself before you can think about anyone else. I meant what I said when I told you I would have my buddy look into your car crash.” I felt her go rigid beneath my touch, the words still had her on edge when anyone, including her, said them.
I gave her a few moments to respond, to conjure a reply to everything I had said. She didn’t. She kept looking at me, her eyes asking me to promise her I would do anything I could to help.
So, I did. “I promise you. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you heal.” I don’t think she would have responded, but I didn’t give her a chance to. I kissed her again. This time with less passion and more assurance. Assurance that my words weren’t like the other men she’d had in her life. I wasn’t talking to erase the silence.
I pulled away and heard a sigh of relief release itself. “Thank you, Bryant. For everything.”
The softness in her voice broke my heart. It gave me more insight than anything she would ever tell me. I could hear how everyone else had let her down and what I was offering ignited sparks of hope. I knew all too well how much hope could get you through the darkness in the world.
She picked up her purse and I watched her walk away until she was beyond the door to her apartment. I even watched her shadow through the curtains for several minutes before getting back inside my truck.
My cell phone rang loud against the silence of my truck. Any other time I would have some sort of country song playing, but right now I needed to think about how I was going to fulfill the most important promise I had ever made. I answered without even checking the caller ID.
“Hey bro!”
Lucas’ voice came through the small speaker. He sounded too damn chipper, and I wasn’t in the mood. “What’s up?” I ground out.
“Can you swing by? I did some digging on Sadie Wilcox.”
Did I even care? I wasn’t sure I would go back to work at the police station. I couldn’t just kiss Amberly and run off. She might think the little trust I’d gotten out of her tonight was for nothing.
“Be there in ten.”
I snapped my phone shut and tossed it onto the passenger seat, evidence of Amberly from minutes ago still traced in the cloth.