Chapter 16
Thinking Out Loud
Bryant
I could still smell her on me even though I had taken a shower last night. I felt like an asshole for letting my phone being the only thing that stopped me from taking things further with her. When I realized what I was doing, I begged her to tell me to stop. She hesitated before telling me she didn’t want to. Those words accelerated my actions. She wanted it, I wanted it. Still, I should have had more control. She said I might be the reason she doesn’t give up and hell if I didn’t want that for her. It was a green light when it should have been a red light. I couldn’t let her depend on me that much. It wasn’t right, taking advantage of her vulnerability that way.
I kept my mind focused as we decided not to spend any more of Adam’s money, as the hotel room wasn’t refundable. We stayed in our room and I kept my hands off of her. I couldn’t even kiss her, knowing we were alone and it would head to a place she might regret. I didn’t want her to regret it. I didn’t want her to regret me. If we stopped it now, she wouldn’t have to regret anything.
The next morning, we woke up, went to the car show, and put last night behind us. Amberly showed me the ropes of selling our services. I got to meet several of the shops that were in competition with Adam, as well as the customers we had and more we could gain. Things weren’t awkward, though tension hung in the air like a bad habit. I couldn’t read Amberly throughout the show. She acted as if things were fine when they weren’t. She was hiding something and as each second passed, I wanted more and more to take her into the car trailer and ask her about it. We never got the opportunity because people were stopping by to ask us about Skrillex Customs. She worked one crowd and I worked another. Not a second passed that we didn’t have someone asking us about what the shop had to offer. I’d never expected the business to gain this much interest and wondered how the show went when Amberly and Cricket were in charge.
We sold a few rims that had been built by Adam himself, and handed out dozens of cards. Adam’s phone would be ringing off the hook next week. That is, if he was lucky enough. I wouldn’t doubt that a few would try to call him over the weekend instead.
As we loaded up our things, I watched Amberly. She smiled at a few passerby’s, her smile fading the second her eyes found mine. She cleared her throat and continued with what she was doing before she had gotten interrupted. It was at that moment I wished we hadn’t drove separate cars down. She came up behind me as I latched the lock onto the trailer.
“That wasn’t so bad was it?” She tried to keep her voice light, with little emotion.
I turned around to look at her. Her hands were tucked into the pockets of her dark denim jeans. She looked more than adorable in the Skrillex hoodie she was wearing. There was something about this woman in jeans and a casual sweater. I couldn’t tear my eyes from her when I answered, “I’d say it was pretty successful. Who knows, maybe Cricket will get replaced.”
She scoffed and pushed my shoulder. “Adam would never replace his girl. This was nothing but a learning experience for you.”
I gathered up the sign we had used, wrapped it up, and tossed it into the toolbox in the bed of the dually. “Think so?” I winked at her, something I had been doing all day and hadn’t gotten a response from her.
She pressed her lips together and her eyes fell to the pavement below our feet.
I walked to her and lifted her chin with my finger. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She said with simplicity.
“Amberly, what’s wrong.” I repeated, not believing her response.
She shoved my hand away and shut the tailgate to the dually. “It’s Haylie’s birthday. Aside from that, nothing is wrong.”
I knew it was Haylie’s birthday, it was why I had worked for a week straight trying to figure out what I could come up with that would help make the day easier for Amberly. Too bad I had forgotten all about it. I hadn’t expected the car show to be as demanding as it was. “Are you sure it isn’t more than that? You seem upset with me?” I told her, knowing there was more to the way she was acting.
“We’ve got to get on the road. Maybe when we get back into town I’ll tell you.”
The drive back was excruciating. I stopped counting how many times I glanced at my phone, willing it to ring. She was going to make me wait the entire way before she gave me anything.
After we dropped the dually and the car off at the shop, I gave Amberly a ride to her apartment. She had said she could call Cricket to come get her and that she would call me later, but I wouldn’t let her off the hook. I had to know what was bothering her, because I knew it was more than Haylie’s birthday.
I kept the truck running but the doors locked when I pulled into the same parking space I always parked in.
“What?” She asked, throwing her hands in the air before crossing them against her chest.
I lifted an eyebrow and urged her to spit it out. “Tell me what’s going on. What did I do?”
Was she mad that I had her half naked in a hotel bed?
She huffed, her breath sending a piece of blond hair in the air. “I didn’t ask for you to come into my life and screw it up.”
I started to open my mouth but she signaled for me to keep it shut.
“I didn’t ask for any of it. I was going through life just fine until you decided to get a job where I work. I had a plan on where my life was going to go. I was giving myself two more years before I wanted open myself up to a relationship with anyone. Then, you come in and make me question my time line. You go from telling me you want me to ignoring me all in one night. I was opening up to you, ready to let me guard down.” She shook her head, tears treading down her cheekbones. “I did let my guard down. That may not be a big deal to you but it is to me, to anyone who knows me. And then, you reminded me why I wasn’t ready for that yet, why I wasn’t ready to let anyone in. I’m not a paper weight, Bryant. I don’t stand strong when I should. I’m nothing but paper thin, able to crumble at any moment. You give me what I need to be the opposite of that but when you rip it all away, it’s unbearable.”
She was sniffling, swiping away the tears with her hands as fast as they emerged from her eyes.
I cursed beneath my breath and shoved the console up so there was nothing separating her from me. I pulled her over, forcing her legs to straddle my lap. I pried her hands away from her face and made her look down at me.
“I wanted you, Amberly. I still want you. I didn’t want you to think I was an asshole who just wanted to fuck you. That’s why I didn’t touch you again. I couldn’t trust myself to even kiss you after that. It’s not because I don’t want you, it’s because you were letting me do whatever I wanted, and I didn’t want you to regret it. I don’t want to be the guy who makes you think you’re not ready. I want to be the guy who makes you question, why not sooner?” I paused and looked down. Her hands were trembling between us. "I don't want you to regret me."
She dried her eyes and gazed at me for a long moment, silence becoming our unspoken enemy.
When she didn't say anything, I opened my mouth again. “I didn’t want your first time with me to be in a hotel room, on a bed where countless women had probably spread their legs. It is so damned hard to keep my hands off of you, Amberly. But, I don’t want you to ever think I don’t want more than just one night with you.”
“But you just got divorced. Isn’t that what you want? Something with no strings attached?” Her voice was so small as her words tumbled out of her.
I ran a hand down my face and grabbed her thighs again. I didn’t want her name to come from my lips, but how could I get Amberly to understand when I didn’t understand it myself?
“Mac and I have been over for two years. The only reason the divorce took as long as it did is because her lawyer fired her. At first, I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t want to involve myself with anyone after that. But,” I lifted my hand to her face, “then you showed up and it didn’t matter what plans I had because I didn’t see any of it without you in them.” Thinking out loud, that’s what I was doing.
“What are you saying?”
I used the pad of my thumb to pet her chin and her eyes fluttered closed for a few seconds before opening again. “I’m saying that you need to hurry up and give me some more rules so I can take you on a date. I want to do this the right way. It took a lot for you to open up to me, and I’m a prick for making you think I was ripping everything away from you. I wasn’t ignoring you. I was trying to protect you.”
She thought for a moment, a finger coming up to cover her lips. She looked adorable. “Number five you take me dancing.”
I broke out into a smile. “Dancing on our first date? Not a problem, we might need to go through a few more lessons first. Number six has to be, I’ll open the door for you wherever we go and you can’t protest it.”
We were now painfully close to number seven. I wanted her to spout off one more rule because if she didn’t, I was going to.
Her lips twitched a few times and I realized she wasn’t going to give me another one, and I had no idea what number seven would be. I wanted to put thought into it. I wanted it to mean something.
“I’ll walk you to your door.” I gave her room so she could crawl back to her seat to get her things.
I couldn’t blame Amberly for thinking I wanted something with no commitment. That’s all I had thought about the minute Mac walked out of my life. I had sworn to not let another woman in. I didn’t want to go through the process of feeling everything for one person, only to watch it fade into nothing as years dragged on. I wouldn’t be able to stand another relationship where my girl distanced herself from me. I couldn’t take going months without sex or months without a full make-out session. I wanted someone who was going to make my heart race from the first kiss to our last. I wanted someone who felt that way about me. I wanted someone that wanted me.
For some reason, I felt that could possibly be Amberly. I was drawn to her and I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted to figure it out.
We got to her apartment and she unlocked the door, we both realized her power was out.
I stepped inside with her and she sucked in a breath. “It’s so cold in here. I’m going to call Cricket.”
I waited while she dialed Cricket’s number and caught a few words of their conversation.
“Apparently the entire complex is out. Cricket went to Adam’s because the landlord said it wouldn’t be fixed tonight.”
She threw her phone in her purse and let it fall to the floor.
“You can come to my house if you need to.”
She opened up her refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water, taking a few gulps before answering. “No, I’ll be fine. I’ve got a million blankets in the spare closet.”
I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. “Amberly, quit being stubborn. Get some clothes and you can come stay with me. Maybe I can figure out rule number seven while you’re at my house.”
“But, I need to study for my test. I’m going to do nothing but bore the hell out of you.”
I chuckled and pushed her towards her bedroom. “As long as you are warm, you can bore the life out of me all you want. I’ll even make you some dinner.”