CHAPTER 34
Lost In This Moment
Amberly
I don’t know how long it was from the time I had fallen asleep to when I had woken up again. When I came to, Bryant wasn’t there. I felt a heavy presence to my right and found Cricket’s head resting on her two arms that were folded over the bed. I shifted and she lifted her head.
Rubbing her eyes, she winced against the bright sun that assaulted us through the huge glass windows of my room. She stood up and walked to the windows. “You okay if I close the curtains?”
I nodded.
She shut them until there was a small amount of natural light coming through them. “How are you feeling?” She sat down in the chair, pushing it away from the bed a bit.
I shrugged, feeling the tightness in my chest. A steady pain, almost like a bruise that had force against it, was prevalent right below my collar bones. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be though. “I’m okay. Where’s Bryant?” My first thought wasn’t how long I’d been out. It was where my boyfriend was.
Cricket smiled. “Not feeling too bad if you’re more worried about him than how long you’ve been out of it.”
Sometimes, I wondered if she could hear my thoughts. She leaned forward and closed a hand around my wrist. “He’s been in and out of the police station for the last two days. You’ve been in and out of it but probably don’t remember that. The doctor’s said that’s perfectly normal, a side effect of the pain medication. He will be here around two, that was the last update Adam gave me.”
I searched for a clock, finding one hanging on the wall. The time now was right after noon. “Why is he at the police station?”
She gasped. “That’s right, you were awake for a few brief moments after surgery so you don’t know.”
Panic set in. “Know what?”
Cricket stood up and brushed my hair away from my face. “Don’t freak out. He’s fine. The night you were rushed into surgery, he was at the police station with Lucas. After hours. He was trying to prove he was being framed on the night of your crash. I want to tell you more, Amberly, but Bryant made me promise not to. He doesn’t want to worry you while you’re in the hospital.”
I rolled my eyes. “Like you and Adam promised that you would let me tell Bryant about my condition?” I was half-joking with her. I couldn’t sit here for even another hour, waiting on him to come back and not worry. I would worry more if I didn’t know.
She sighed and stood up straight. “You’re right. Circumstances though.” She tilted her head to the side, as if that would make me drop the issue altogether.
I didn’t. “Cricket, that’s my boyfriend. I need to know if he’s in trouble.”
She crossed her arms and looked away from me. I knew her well enough that she’d already surrendered and needed a few more moments before she spilled everything. “Fine.” She dropped her arms with exaggerated force and paced the room. “This is what I know, from the beginning. The car in Bryant’s possession was the car involved in the wreck responsible for Haylie’s death. Bryant’s ex-wife was behind the wheel that night. Intoxicated. It wasn’t a brake malfunction, but you already knew that. Ian Platt, one of Bryant’s best friends, helped his ex-wife cover up the fact she’d been drinking. Since the wreck resulted in death, she’d have a vehicular manslaughter charge to face. It started as him just keeping her out of trouble. From my understanding, Ian has been following Bryant for weeks. He found out about the two of you getting together and decided to go further with the cover up. He wanted you to think Bryant was responsible for it all. He had his buddy access the case files again and forge Bryant’s signature. I’m sure you already know he wasn’t on duty that night. The kicker is, in between this fuck face stalking Bryant, he’d also helped Bryant’s ex-wife acquire the money to hire some chick named Sadie Wilcox, not even her true name, plant drugs in Bryant’s patrol car.” She took a deep breath and turned around to look at me, making sure I was following her. I motioned for her to continue. “His ex-wife was entitled to his retirement, but only after he retired. She couldn’t touch it until then. Unless,” she pointed a finger in the air, “he quit. She knew Bryant well enough to know that he would do whatever was asked of him and would quit rather than get fired from the police station. She began the process of getting access to his retirement. So, this was an end goal of ruining everything about Bryant’s life.”
My mind raced. I couldn’t comprehend the why of the whole situation. Why would anyone go to such great lengths? “Why?” I didn’t have it in me to make that one word into a complete sentence. I didn’t know how at that point.
“I’m not sure what Bryant has or hasn’t told you, sweetie. He blames himself for everything. He blames himself for the wreck. For the fact Haylie didn’t get justice. For the fact he has lost almost everything he’s worked so hard for. I don’t know that it’s my place to tell you if you don’t already know.”
“Tell me what? If this is about the affair he had on his ex-wife, he told me that.”
Cricket’s eyes went everywhere but on me at that point. Was there something else he hadn’t told me?
“She’s not talking about that.” Bryant’s voice startled both of us when it came out of nowhere.
Cricket started shaking her head. “I’m so sorry, Bryant. I know you wanted to wait to tell her everything when she got out of the hospital but she’s my best friend and…”
Bryant stopped her by lifting his hand. “It’s okay. She deserves to know everything. Can you give us a minute?”
Cricket stumbled forward, giving me a brief hug before heading to the door. “Of course. Take all the time you need.”
Bryant kept his distance, walking first to the window, drawing back one of the curtains. I kept the silence though I fought hard to do so. I had so many questions now. So many doubts that I didn’t want to have erupted like a volcano that had been sitting inactive for years, yearning to explode at the inability to keep everything in. I steadied my breathing, knowing I needed to stay calm until he explained himself.
“I’m an asshole.” He stated as if the confession was something he should have told me all along. I said nothing, wanting to agree with him but hoping I didn’t have to. Hoping that what he was about to tell me, wouldn’t have me regretting letting him in as much as I had. He let the curtain drop, turning around to me but not allowing me eye contact with him. He stared at the floor. I’d never seen someone look so defeated. “I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you. I didn’t even think about it until Ian brought it to my attention. It all made sense when he reminded me. It wasn’t that I forgot about it, I just didn’t think it was something that would make a difference if you knew or didn’t know. I’m an asshole for thinking that way. I’m an asshole for not being transparent with you, the way you’ve been with me.” His eyes lifted to find mine. The pain in them was the first thing I noticed. I knew what that looked like because I had seen it in my own for so long.
“Sit down.”
He looked away again and it broke my heart that it was causing him so much pain to even look at me. Whatever it was, he was beating himself up more than I could. He sat down, tears beginning to form in the corners. He wiped them away as if it wasn’t okay for him to cry.
“I don’t want to bring her up. Trust me, you don’t have to believe any other words that come out of my mouth as long as you believe that. But, I have to. I know you know what it’s like to be with someone who doesn’t care about you as much as you care about them. From what you’ve told me about Eric, it’s not hard to see that you understand. Mac was my first real relationship. In the beginning, things were great. It didn’t take long for her to show her true colors, but since I didn’t have any other relationship to compare it to, I didn’t know what to do. It was a learning experience. She ignored me more than she payed attention to me. You know about the affair. I never physically touched that woman, but thinking about it, I might have well been doing it. I didn’t comprehend how much that could hurt someone else. You know what our relationship was like after I’d done that. You know about the women Mac brought to our house. One of those women was Jessica Platt, Ian’s wife.”
Without meaning to, I gasped. It was twisted. The whole scenario. Everything. A bad R-rated soap opera was the one thing that popped into my head that I could relate it to.
“Shit. Amberly, I wish I told you. I should have. When I told you about the affair, I should have told you about Jessica.” He couldn’t prevent the tears then. “I am so incredibly sorry.” His shoulders shook as he let the emotions pass over him, consuming him and somehow consuming me at the same time. I felt tears of my own accumulate in the corners of my eyes. “Jessica became Mac’s best friend but also someone she cheated on me with. I know some would say it wasn’t cheating because she did it in front of me. I never gave her any inclination it was okay though. Not once. One night, she brought Jessica home. She started paying attention to me that night. I was weak. I thought she wanted me again. I thought she was getting it out of her system and she was coming back to me. She flirted with me, something she hadn’t done in I don’t even know how long. I liked it. She began making out with me and Jessica. The details don’t matter, but one thing led to another, and I ended up with both of them. I know what it sounds like, I never slept with Jessica but I might as well have. Ian thinks I did.” His lip trembled, proof that this secret had been killing him from the moment it happened. “I woke up the next day feeling like a huge douchebag. Jessica made me promise not to tell Ian. I didn’t. I kept the secret under the agreement she would tell him. He says that she told him that we slept together. Truthfully, I think he’s lost his mind and doesn’t know reality from fiction. I’m thinking Mac told him what happened but spun it so the story came out the we both slept with Jessica.” He slapped his thigh with a hand, his other hand covering his face to conceal all the hurt he was remembering. “It was stupid. I thought if I did what Mac wanted, she and I would become close again. I should have walked out on her that night. Everything I did caused all of this.” His voice raised, shaky on certain words. “I did this. That one choice brought pain to everyone around me. Even you.” Both of his hands came to his face this time.
“Bryant.” My voice was so small against the words he had just released into the room around us. You could almost see them, in bright, bold letters spinning and twisting through the air, becoming a gigantic ball of nonsense until they evened out, spelling out what he was trying to tell me without him realizing it. “You didn’t cause Haylie’s death. You are not to blame for that. You aren’t even to blame for Ian’s crazy. That was his choice and his choice alone. Everyone screws up without intention.”
His head swayed from side to side. “No, no, no. I wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself. I messed around with Jessica for my own gain. I did it thinking it would fix everything between Mac and I, not giving two shits about what it would do to Jessica’s marriage or my best friend.”
I knew Bryant’s pain. It was so damn loud. I was breathing it. I was feeling it. I was hearing it. When you can hear someone else’s pain, it is as excruciating as feeling it for yourself. You take it in without a way to push it out. “Bryant,” I tried to reach for him but he was too far away, “you are only human. You did what any man would do. Out of desperation you made a horrible choice. A choice you’ve paid for again and again. It is not Ian’s job to continue reminding you of that. You regret it, that’s more than most people can say for themselves. You didn’t even sleep with her, you can’t control what Ian wants to believe.”
“I didn’t tell you though. That kills me that I didn’t.”
My heart hurt. Not from the surgery I had endured days earlier. It hurt from seeing the man I loved, with everything in me, go through what he had. He didn’t tell me and while that stung, he hadn’t withheld it because he had ulterior motives. “I love you.”
His body went still, frozen like a sculpture that had been created in a moment’s notice. When he looked at me, his eyes were red, his face revealed that he was in shock from my three simple words. “What?”
I cleared my throat. “I love you. I wish you would have told me, maybe I could have helped you figure everything out sooner. It would make sense why someone would be after you if I had known that, then again you didn’t know that Ian thought you slept with his wife.” She rolled her eyes. “I can’t say I don’t care that you didn’t tell me, I do. That doesn’t change how I feel about you. You aren’t perfect. I’m not perfect either. We can’t change the past but we can make the path for a better future by not repeating mistakes. All you have to do is promise to be honest with me from now until forever.”
He jumped up from the chair, I almost thought he was going to pounce on me but he was gentle as he wrapped himself around me. “I love you so much. I love you so damn much, Amberly. I’m so sorry.” He backed up and took my face in his hands, making me feel small. “I promise I will never keep anything from you ever again. I will make it a point to tell you everything. I just want you. That’s all. I’m so fucking sorry.” The tears struck again, an orchestra of desperation reciting themselves and making themselves known.
We held each other, both crying and both relieved that this one thing, among so many others, still wasn’t enough to break us. Being through what we had, was a recipe for two broken hearts, yet we weren’t approving it’s request to draw us to an end. If I could ever feel one with another soul, this was the exact moment it was happening. Right then. Right there. Bryant and I become one, united through the trials. Merged by the tribulations. Bounded by the release of any secrets that could destroy us. We had a long road ahead of us, one that was paved in sharpened glass and against gusts of tornadic winds, unprepared and unafraid. Others would have it easy. Bryant and I? We were one force to be reckoned with. One force that would claim the future as our own. We had control of our destiny, regardless of which way it was meant to go.
“I want to marry you.” He whispered, a country love song in those five words.
I smiled, inside and out. “Really?” That was all I could come up with. Me and my stupid words that made no sense.
Six months later…………
The sun was out, raining its golden rays down on us without any apologies. I leaned down, replacing the wilted flowers with new ones. I kissed my fingers before placing them over the headstone. For the first time, in so long, I felt at peace being in the graveyard. It’d taken me a long time. I visited Haylie at least once a week, tradition forcing me to the store to buy new flowers to place at her grave. I could feel her, her happiness covering me.
I’d done what I had set out to do. It was something that wouldn’t have been possible without Bryant’s help. The plan I had for myself was bigger than I could have imagined. Trent, the man who had assisted Ian in his twisted plan confessed to everything. He took a plea deal, outing everything to the detectives. Haylie’s case was reopened after a search warrant was put into motion to go over the entire length of Ian’s house. He hadn’t been smart enough to get rid of the evidence. Everything from that night, and more, had been recovered. Rumor had it that once things died down, he planned to put everything back into the file, making it look like nothing had been tampered with. Trent had been on duty that night when he received a phone call while he was writing the report, detailing everything he’d witnessed on the scene of the wreck. Mac had been arrested that night but was released the very next day after several people had been paid off to keep quiet. Ian pleaded his case with Trent, making him falsify the report. According to what we had found out, Ian had forked out so much money to keep everyone quiet and Trent was promised more after Mac received Bryant’s retirement.
Ian and Mac were both carted off to prison for an indefinite amount of time. Unfortunately, Lucas lost his position with the force because he had shared confidential information with Bryant. They both got into trouble for entering the police station that night, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. The chief of police was more concerned with compiling the evidence against both Ian and Mac.
Bryant received temporary full-custody of Delia. A court hearing was scheduled in the next two weeks to make it permanent. Mac wasn’t getting out for a long time.
None of that brought Haylie back. It did bring us both peace of mind, which was worth more than anything money could buy.
I stood up, closing my eyes to take everything in.
“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” Bryant came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.
I leaned into him. “I’m feeling kind of sick, to be honest.” I smiled, knowing what that would do to him.
“We should go then. I’ll start a fire and we can have some hot chocolate and binge watch some movies.”
I laughed. “It’s the middle of summer, not near cold enough to start a fire.”
He kissed my cheek. “True. But, I’ll do anything to make my love the happiest woman alive. I’d give you the moon if I could.”
I took in a deep breath. “You’ve given me so much more than that.”
He released me. “Oh yeah?”
I turned around in enough time to see him down on one knee. He’d managed to pull a ring out at the same time. “Then, can you give me something? Will you give me the honor of being your husband? I promise to love you at your best and at your worst. I promise to be your everything when you feel like nothing. I promise to give you all of me without asking for anything in return.”
I covered my mouth with both of my hands, emotions getting the best of me. I couldn’t even speak without feeling like it was going to disappear if I bothered opening my mouth. I nodded instead. I nodded so hard I was on the verge of looking ridiculous.
He stood up, placed the ring on my finger, and lifted me up into the air. We spun in circles, feeling every bit the part of a lifetime movie.
He sat me down, gently. He was always so gentle with me. It never ceased to amaze me how fragile he thought I was. How careful he was with me didn’t offend me, instead it made me understand he would do everything he could to protect me, be my savior if I asked that of him.
“Let’s get you home so you can relax. Do we need to go get some medicine on the way home?”
I’d gotten so involved in the unexpected proposal, I almost forgot what I wanted to tell him. “I don’t need medicine.”
“If you’re sick, you do. I have to take care of you.”
I put a hand on his chest and looked at him. I made him stop everything he was thinking, everything he wanted to say.
It took him a millisecond to form his own conclusion. “Wait, are you?” A very accurate conclusion.
“I’m pregnant.”
I’d seen so many emotions from him over the time we’d gotten close, but this one wasn’t one I had been exposed to. It was beautiful. I didn’t think he could get any happier.
“I thought the doctor said you couldn’t?”
I bit my lip. I had kept it a secret for so long. I’d been getting checkups with my doctor without his knowledge, making sure it wasn’t a fluke. I didn’t want to tell him and then have a miscarriage. The doctor had been puzzled by how it had been possible because he’d reiterated to me I had a ten-percent chance to carry a life again. I reminded Bryant of that. “I never said he said I couldn’t. He said I had a ten-percent chance.”
Bryant got down on his knees and placed his hands on my stomach. “Our baby is in there?”
It was cute. “Yes.” My head fell back. I let out a giggle, putting my hands over his. Keeping secrets wasn’t something I was good at, but this secret was one I had to keep, at least until my doctor and I were sure the baby was healthy and would be carried to full term. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I wanted to make sure everything was fine.”
“How far along are you?” He stared at me and back down at my stomach. I couldn’t feel any more loved.
“Twelve weeks.”
Being there, at the front of Haylie’s headstone seemed like the perfect place for him to propose and for him to find out we were going to have a child together. It was where I felt her presence the most.
“I feel bad that Delia isn’t here.” It would’ve been nice to have both of the girls with us.
Bryant stood up, without moving his hands from my stomach and kissed me. “Delia knew about me proposing to you because I asked her how she would feel about it.”
“And?”
He smiled a goofy smile. “She said that she approved. Do you want to go pick her up on our way home?”
Every time we came to the graveyard, Delia got to spend some time with Cricket. We weren’t trying to exclude her, she’d been through so much already we didn’t want her to endure the emotions that came along with visiting Haylie. In time, she would come with us but she’d gotten used to going to Cricket and Adam’s that she always looked forward to it.
“Yes! We can tell her she’s going to be a big sister.” At that point, I could not contain my excitement. I’d been bursting with having to hold back the news for so long.
I started to walk to the truck and Bryant tugged on my wrist, pulling me back to him. “I can’t wait to marry you.” He stated before crushing his lips against mine.
It felt good. His touch, his kisses, his confessions, his smiles, his words, his everything never got old. He had the power to unbreak me. And he did.