“No. No, he did not.”

“Oh my God, Kay, I wouldn’t joke about something like this. This is life and death serious.”

There was silence that met me on the other end of the phone. She was probably sitting there, chewing on the corner of her bottom lip, trying to wrap her head around the epic failure that had been sex with Sebastian.

“Well, I guess there won’t be a fourth date, then.”

I got quiet.

I mean, yeah, I probably should be able to answer that no, there would not be any future dates. Except...

“No. Mari, you didn’t.”

“What?”

“You did not agree to another date with the one-minute pound hound.”

“Jeez, Kay.”

“What, no good? How about the ‘wham bam, no thank you, man’? Those are the best I can come up with on such short notice.”

I shook my head. The shit she said sometimes surprised, horrified and impressed me. All at the same time.

“How about none of the above?”

“Fine, but why the hell would you keep saying yes to the undress when you know it’s not going to have a happy ending.”

“Because he’s a really nice guy, he treats me really well, he’s really cute, and has a nice body.”

“Dude, are you talking about a love interest or a puppy you want to adopt from the SPCA?”

“Ew, bitch, I wouldn’t comment on the puppy’s body.”

But everything else, yeah, I could have totally been talking about a dog.

“You’re doing it because he’s safe.”

I hated her. She was going back to that lame as fuck psychobabble bullshit I didn’t need in my life right now.

“Kaylie…”

“No, don’t even. You know I’m right, which is why you are so pissed off at me right now. He’s safe. You won’t fall in love with him. You’ll like him, even a real lot, but your heart is one hundred percent safe from being sliced and diced into millions of small pieces with him. That is the only reason you would even consider someone who finished before the finish line as having long term potential. I mean, shit, he should have at least let you get off the few times he brought you close. At least there would have been some redeeming value to the night.”

“I’m a grown ass woman, I can finish myself off.”

That sounded weak, even to my own ears. I could almost hear Kaylie rolling her eyes at me over the phone.

“Moving on, are you going to be able to make it on Saturday?”

Saturday was Mariana’s birthday, so Kaylie was trying to plan some sort of romantic birthday surprise dinner or something like that. I wasn’t sure that ‘romantic’ and ‘surprise’ necessarily went well together, but she was stressing something fierce about this, having had put so much effort into it being perfect, that I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it may go ‘poof’ in her face.

“Of course, hooker. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Great, I really appreciate it. I’m trying to not freak out, but I invited her parents and her grandma, too. She loves her grandma. I know they are all cool about us being a couple and all, but I’m hoping this doesn’t make it a little too ‘hey, our flappies love strappies’ for their tastes.”

“Are you planning on laying her out on the table in front of them and giving a demonstration?”

“Ew, no.”

“Then chill the hell out. Hold her hand, give her a sweet kiss now and then. Don’t grab a boob, don’t grab her ass, and if your tongue is in her mouth for longer than a second, pull out, okay?”

“Okay, I think I can handle that. Maybe.”

“Stop panicking. This is super sweet and she’s going to love that you are making such a big deal of her birthday.”

She would, too. Mariana had been dropping hints about her upcoming birthday for over a month. It wasn’t even like she was turning an age that ended in a five or a zero, she was just really all about her day. She spent one hour once telling us about the top five birthdays she’d ever had, in order, from fifth place to first.

I think I went out for drinks with Kaylie on my last birthday. Hell, I was pretty sure that’s what we’d done the last five birthdays. I couldn’t quite comprehend someone being so birthday crazy over the age of ten, but it was kind of cute.

And annoying.

“I’ll see you there at six thirty. Anything you need me to bring?”

“Naw, I’m good. Thanks though. If something comes up, I’ll be sure to ask.”

“Okay, love you, see you then.”

I hung up the phone, once again enjoying the way my tough as nails friend was flustered by her love.

We’ll be there in five.

I looked down at the text and turned to fill everyone in.

“Hey, guys, I just heard from Kaylie, and they’ll be here in about five minutes.”

There was an excited murmur around the room, everyone thrilled to be a part of surprising Mariana. Apparently, this was the type of thing she always did for other people, but no one had ever put that much effort into making her day special. Her mom told me this several times, her hand over her heart dramatically, while tears pooled in her eyes.

I wasn’t very much of an emotional person, so I never really knew how to handle when people showed their feelings so openly. It really threw me off of my game.

We all got quiet and stood in the back corner of the small room where we would be eating, just like Kay had asked us to. That way, Mariana couldn’t see us easily as they walked towards the table.

I could hear Kay talking a little louder than normal as they approached. And by ‘a little louder’, I meant that they probably could hear her a few restaurants away. I laughed at her lack of subtlety. Quietly, of course.

We waited until they walked through the door before pouncing on her.

“Surprise!”

She shrieked like a little girl. Then burst into tears. Like, full on waterworks.

I looked at Kaylie, who had the same look of shock mirrored on her face.

Was this a good thing?

I shrugged, and turned to look at Mariana’s mom, who also had tears pouring down her face. The two of them ran towards each other and hugged, both sobbing ugly wet tears on each other, and then talking in rapid fire Portuguese while gesturing around the room wildly.

I honestly still had no idea if this was a good thing, or if she was pissed off.

They kept looking at Kay while talking, and she looked more and more uncomfortable, as if she’d made a mistake holding this birthday party. I bet she was going to learn Portuguese really quickly, so that she wouldn’t be stuck in a long-term relationship where she has no idea what’s being said around her.

Finally, Mariana broke away from her mom and ran over to Kay. She wrapped her arms tight around her, and Kay visibly relaxed.

Whew.

Mariana reached down and held Kay’s hand, intertwining their fingers so that there could be no doubt to anyone in her family that this was a relationship, a couple hood, and walked her around, introducing her to each of her family members.

Kay’s skin was pink to the tips of her ears, embarrassed at all of the attention. She’d not had the best luck with families growing up, so she was a bit gun shy about doing things that involved family members. Her dad was a politician in the state, so her being a lesbian with brightly colored hair didn’t exactly fit the mold of the good little girl on the campaign trail.

Well, at least not until some inside polling was done and found that the younger vote was totally cool with it, and then suddenly he wanted her by his side. He’d even gone so far as to ask her to dye her hair the campaign colors. She politely declined, which put further strain on their already fragile relationship. They were a work in progress, but Kay’s heart broke daily that the father who raised her and loved her had become a near stranger to her. So, walking into a room with an extremely tight-knit family had her all sorts of nervous.

She actually looked like she might throw up at any minute. I saw her eyes dart around the room, and I imagined that she was looking for the exits, to keep them in mind at all times, in the event she needed to make a quick escape.

Everyone finally sat down for the food, and oh my goodness, it was like a three-ring circus. Mariana’s grandma barely spoke a lick of English, so there were conversations going on around the table in both languages. The voices kept raising, not out of anger, just to be heard.

I looked at the end of the table, and Kaylie looked absolutely miserable. I caught her eye and tipped my head toward the bathrooms, silently asking her if she needed a quick break.

She nodded and got up quickly, and in her haste she hit the table, which caused Mariana’s mom’s wine to spill all over her skirt.

The entire table got quiet immediately, staring at the red stain growing all over her outfit.

Kay stood there, shocked, tears pooling in her eyes as everyone turned and looked at her. Her mouth opened and closed a few times, no sound coming out, as she felt the weight of all of those eyes on her at once.

“Just go.”

Mariana whispered the words to her sharply, and Kay nodded once, and fled. She literally ran out the door. I intercepted a look that said, ‘go follow her’.

I got up carefully, and walked quickly to the bathroom, where I could hear her hiccupping sobs coming from the back-corner stall.

“Hey, twat face, I’m coming in.”

The door was locked so I had to get on my hands and knees to crawl under the door. I would say I was grossed out, and I may have gagged once or twice, but the truth was that it wasn’t the first time I’d been on my knees in a public restroom.

Don’t judge.

“On her mother, Mari. I fucking spilled wine all over her mom. That shit won’t come out. She’s going to look like a Halloween massacre for the rest of time.”

“Or like shark week.”

“Not helping.”

“Sorry.”

We sat in silence, her sniffling and blowing her nose into toilet paper, me leaning against the door, just watching her. Maybe I should have gone over and hugged her or something. But she was sitting on the toilet. Granted, her pants were up and fully in place, but that felt like it would be crossing some sort of unspoken line between us.

“Do you think they’d notice if I just walked out the door? And never returned?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Drama queen much? Listen, it was an accident. You clearly didn’t mean to ruin her mom’s nice outfit. It happened though, and you need to move on. Being a total pussy and hiding out in the bathroom, or running home during your lady’s birthday party would be a cowardly move, and you are not a coward. Clumsy as fuck, maybe, but never a coward. So, you need to pull on your big girl panties, walk back in there with your head held high, apologize to mom for the carnage, and let your woman know you love her. Stop acting like you’re not good enough, because you are seriously the best thing going.”

She started crying all over again, and then jumped off the toilet and gave me a big hug. All of her mascara had already worn off, so at least I didn’t have to worry about her ruining my outfit with tarantula tears.

“Bitch, you’re getting snot in my hair. I don’t love you enough for snotty hair.”

She laughed, which was progress. I mean, it was still a pretty watery laugh, but it was a laugh nonetheless.

“Mar, you’re the best sister-wife I’ve ever had. You know I love you, right?”

I grinned, knowing that those words had only started to mean something to her other than empty promises. Hearing those three little words from her meant more than they would ever mean from a guy.

“Yeah, babe. And you know I love you forever and always.”

I gave her a big smacking kiss on her cheek, glad she was able to pull herself together.

She grinned at me and walked out of the bathroom, her head held high and me following closely behind.

“Mrs. Andrade, I’m very sorry about your outfit. I’d promise that nothing like that will ever happen again, but I’m incredibly klutzy, so that would be a lie. I shouldn’t be allowed around glass vases, sharp objects or anything that stains. I will happily pay to have it dry cleaned.”

Mariana’s mom didn’t even look slightly pissed, she actually smiled at Kaylie, like it really hadn’t been that big of a deal to her. She even gave Kay a little nod and a wink.

When Kaylie saw that wink she nodded back, took a deep breath and turned to Mariana.

And dropped to one knee.

She fucking dropped to a knee and opened up the ring case with that gorgeous ring she showed me, right in front of everyone that mattered to the two of them.

I had never been so damn proud of my girl in all my life.

“Mariana, you are my air. You have held me together when I’ve fallen apart, pulled me close when I was drifting away, and anchored me when I couldn’t deal with my life and my entire world spinning out of control. Your amazing heart has healed me, has brought me back from a horrible place where I could trust no one, where I didn’t feel worthy of being loved, where I didn’t believe in love.

Baby, my life didn’t start until I met you. There was nothing but horrible grey monotones and black and white. Shadows of people and experiences that I pushed myself through but never lived. You have brought color and flavor to my life. You brought fresh air and happiness into my life. I’ve been so damn happy ever since you said you’d go out to dinner with me that first time, and now because of you I can take all the bullshit that life throws at me and turn it into sparkle farting unicorns. You are everything. You are more than everything, more than my world, more than my universe. You are my more and forever. Mariana, please be my forever. Will you marry me?”

The whole table gasped and looked at Mariana’s mom, who was sitting there, beaming from ear to ear with pride and happiness. It was almost as if she knew what was happening.

Mariana was openly sobbing, and I didn’t mean to be a bitch or anything, but she was an ugly crier. Like, damn. I was snapping off pictures with my cell phone because it was the right thing to do, but it was hard to get an angle that wouldn’t need a shit ton of touching up and crazy filters to make it social media worthy.

“Mariana?”

“Yes, yes, I will marry you. Oh my god, baby, I will marry you every day.”

The room cheered as the two of them hugged each other as if their life depended on it.

“Mami, do you see?”

She held her hand out in the classic engaged woman pose, perfectly extended fingers wiggling just a little to assist the stone in catching the light.

“Sim, minha filha. I see. Your sweet woman came to me and your Avó and asked for permission. We give our blessings, now and always.”

I felt chills run up and down my back and arms. Not the chills of fear, but those type you get when you are ridiculously happy, and your body and mind can’t fully process how happy you are, so it just does weird shit like random chills. I wanted to jump up and down. I wanted to shout to the rest of the people in the restaurant about this gorgeous proposal. I wanted to sob like a baby out of joy for the two of them.

But I couldn’t do all of that, so instead, I stood there, smiling with weird back chills.

The rest of the evening included a bottle of champagne from the restaurant, a lot of laughter and more than a few tears. Mariana’s mom hinted at grandchildren more than once, and I loved the way Kaylie’s face lost color every time. Thinking back to when the two of them started, I remembered Kay was afraid to launch initially because Mariana had never been with a woman, and she was afraid that it wasn’t a real relationship, that Mariana was trying on being a lesbian for size. Also, within her culture, lesbians hadn’t exactly had a great time within the families. The fact that everything had turned out so amazing was the happiest ever after that anyone could have in an infinity of forevers.