“Hey, twat waffle, how was your appointment?”

“Jesus, Kaylie.”

Mariana shook her head at my bestie, trying to tell her with a look that she should be more sympathetic about the fact that I was seeing a therapist to get over myself.

“What?”

I laughed at the confused look on Kaylie’s face. In the months since she and Mariana had moved in together, which wasn’t very long after a horrific dinner that involved me having nasty bathroom sex with a hot as fuck biker who shall remain nameless, Mariana had been trying to figure out our odd friendship. She certainly had a way to go.

“You seriously worry me at times, woman. You’re lucky that I love the fuck out of you.”

Mariana leaned forward and kissed the tip of Kay’s nose, and I saw my friend’s tough girl persona turn into a puddle of goo right before my very eyes.

“The appointment was good. Really good, actually. I hate to admit it, but I’m glad I’ve started seeing Janice again. I know I was stupid to hold on to my stupid pride, but I really need to take better care of myself emotionally.”

Kay walked over to me and plopped herself unceremoniously in my lap. Thank god she weighed next to nothing, because her bony ass could have sliced my legs open if there was any weight following it on the way down.

“Damn woman, couldn’t you do some squats or something to get a little meat back there? Your ass should be registered as a deadly fucking weapon.”

Kay snickered.

“That’s what she said.”

“Oh dear lord, I swear on my avó, the two of you are no better than a couple of fifteen-year-old boys whose balls haven’t dropped yet.”

Mariana had witnessed one too many rounds of ‘that’s what he/she said’ humor, and she knew far too well that we could keep at it for hours once we started going.

I just shrugged at Kaylie as she snuggled in a little bit.

“I really wish I wasn’t such a fucked-up mess, Kay. I mean, seriously. This lack of ability to trust guys is ridiculous. I know I had some shit go down with that stalker and his death threats, and then with Jared and his cheating. But, seriously, why can’t I just grow the fuck up and get past it. I’m a grown ass woman but I seem to have the emotional capacity of a twelve-year-old.”

And there it was. The most honest thing I would probably ever say to my friend, outside of the time I told her that her cooter smelled like a seafood restaurant’s dumpster. Well, I meant it at the time, but there had been wine coolers involved and too many hours roasting in the sun. On the beach. Near a seafood restaurant.

Hmmm.

Maybe I had misspoken. Oh, well. The point was, I was getting really introspective with this therapy, and part of me was glad, part of me was annoyed. I knew I needed the help. I was feeling better about things, but at the same time much worse about things. I remember feeling that way the last time I’d seen Janice on the regular, and being told it was part of the ‘process’.

I just wish she could wave her magic fairy godmother wand and make all the bad go away, and just fucking fix me already.

“Babe, I’m proud of you. Yeah, you’ve been the very definition of ‘hot mess’ the last few years, but you’re working it. Like, your legs are properly welded shut and you’re trying to get your head shrunk. That takes a lot of work.”

“Which part, the legs or the head?”

She slapped my arm.

“Giving head, or so I’m told.”

Much to Mariana’s disgust, we both burst into giggles again.

“So, how are things with you and your all you can eat buffet over there?”

I nodded my head at Kay’s woman, who was walking away from us muttering under her breath… loudly.

I felt a soft sigh come from Kay and when I looked down at her, damned if she didn’t have a near terminal case of the googly eyes.

“Oh shit, girlfriend. How bad are we talking? I mean, is this matching infinity tattoos bad? Hopefully not matching lower back tattoos with your initials bad.”

The corner of her mouth tipped upwards as she just looked at me, her eye glistening.

“Kay, you’re making me nervous as fuck. Your face is telling me… no way. No fucking way.”

She just grinned ear to ear like an idiot.

“Engagement ring bad?”

She nodded, and then the corner of her lip popped between her teeth, a telltale sign of her anxiety. She quickly looked over where we had just seen Mariana’s back retreat, to make sure she wasn’t in earshot.

“Oh my God, Mari. I know it’s been, like, ridiculously quick, but I know what I’m feeling for her is real. Like, forever real. But I’m scared shitless that if I move too quickly, I’ll fuck it up and then she’ll run away screaming and I’ll never see her again.”

“My little girl is all grown up.”

I faked a sniffle and a tear swipe, while batting my eyes at her.

“Whore.”

I shrugged.

“Well, if the shoe fits…”

“Fuck, sorry Mari, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Bitch, don’t take away my crown. Hundreds of satisfied customers can’t be wrong.”

She cringed. Hell, even as the words easily rolled off of my lips, I cringed inwardly. Listen, I considered myself to be a fairly honest person, and the truth was that I had fucked up royally. Like, anyone watching from the outside would have thought I was a damned teenager or something, still trying to get a handle on managing my emotional responses to situations by how badly I handled my life.

It started back in college. There was this guy, I went on a couple of dates with him before calling it quits before it had any chance of developing into anything. I mean, there was less than zero chemistry between us, and each date felt awkward. So, clean break. Or so I thought. It turned out that he had managed to develop some impossible attachment to me over those two dinners, and didn’t take kindly to being told ‘no, thank you.’

Everything started in a way that seemed like no big deal. You know, he’d be walking past the building when I was leaving classes, or walking down the street when I left my dorm. I felt uncomfortable about it all, but really just figured it was one of those situations where I was seeing him more because I actually knew him. Like, maybe he had been there all along, and I just hadn’t noticed.

It slowly escalated though, there would be presents left by my dorm room door when I got back from class. Gifts that honestly made no sense. A rolled-up take-out menu from the restaurant we went to on our first date, with a red ribbon tied around it, and the meal I’d ordered circled. A daisy was left one time, because I’d mentioned that I liked daisies, that they made my smile in their simple beauty.

One time, when he ran up to me on the sidewalk, I thanked him for the gifts, but asked him to please stop, that I really didn’t want him coming by my dorm room anymore. I remember the chill that shot down my back at the look in his eyes. A look that screamed ‘run’.

The next day, there was a stuffed grey tabby cat toy, with its head cut off and the stuffing pulled out with a steak knife embedded in its midsection.

The threats went from subtle to absolutely blatant, and I finally had to get the campus police involved. I was a fucking basket case. I was unable to sleep, my grades were slipping, and as a result, I ended up on academic probation.

Long story short, I ended up going to see Janice, because I was almost non-functioning. I was terrified to see any random guy on the sidewalk or in a classroom, and started living in my room, barely venturing out alone.

I thought I’d gotten better with my trust issues, but then my ex-douchebag turned out to be a major manwhore, and I started to lose my fragile grip on my sanity once again. So, I spread my legs for nearly anyone who said ‘hi’. I’m still not entirely sure how the two worked together… boyfriend cheated, I snapped, I fucked half of the city.

Oh well, I couldn’t explain how the mind worked, that was why I saw a shrink.

But, at least I recognized that I needed help. It took walking away from the guy who I fell in love with for me to see that I needed some serious fucking help. Because, the truth be told, it almost seemed as if I was looking for a reason to run from what could have been the best thing that ever happened to me.

“Mar…”

“Kay, seriously, it’s no big deal. And if I can laugh at it, you sure as hell should laugh at it. But, why are we talking about me? I think I made enough of the last year being all about me and my issues. It’s definitely time to focus on you. So, with lesbians, who does the question popping?”

“Ugh, fuck if I know. Unchartered territory here. I had never planned on forever, not with anyone.”

“Oh, I have the most awesome idea. You should get down on one knee and present the ring in a clam. Get it? Clam? Like, it’s kind of avaricious?”

The look on Kaylie’s face was at least one shade of horrified. I couldn’t quite tell if it was my suggestion that she was concerned over, or the fact that I came up with it in the first place. Then again, she might just be upset that she didn’t think of it first.

“Better yet, take her to that Mexican place we like, order a plate of fish tacos, and have the ring on the plate just waiting for her amongst the filet o’fish.”

I mean, that was pretty fucking romantic, don’t you think? But after a few moments of just being stared at, I had to break the silence.

“What?”

“Girl, you need help.”

I laughed at her, loud and full, thoroughly enjoying myself at her expense.

“Damn, woman, isn’t that exactly what I’ve been telling you all along?”