Chapter 4
Landon
I STAND IN THE SHOWER, letting the hot water calm my aching muscles, and all I can see is Ashley. Fear swallows me whole and I fist my hands on the shower walls. My head hangs and all fight leaves my body. Her smile invades my mind. Her voice repeats in my ears and her presence assaults me, pushing me over the edge. I’m falling, but then the fall slows and I gently land on the rocky ground. Once I’m back on my feet, it’s Ashley who’s standing before me, wearing a beautiful white wedding dress. She’s waiting for me to come to her and be with her forever.
Fuck.
Even after seven years, she still has power over me. I’m still not over her, and I’m doing the same thing I always do. I slam my hand against the bathroom wall. I continue to do this until the shooting pain runs down my forearm.
I fucking hate Ashley for leaving me. And I hate that I’m not living. I’m a ghost of the man I used to be. For years, I’ve been in the shadows, working hard to build my ranch and my rehabilitation center for horses that need care. Every night, I think about Ashley, wondering what she’s doing and whom she’s with. I look her up on her social media accounts and see her smiling or posing with her fans or her ads. She’s breathtakingly beautiful.
Now she’s back in Mason, wanting to talk to me. She wants me to sit there and listen and pretend it’s not killing me to see her again.
I didn’t think our love would spiral out of control the way it did. I thought she’d chase her dream for a little bit, then come home and be with me. Once she got the taste of the city life it became her addiction and she craved more of it. That was what she wanted. She lived her life in the spotlight and traveled the world. There were warning signs everywhere and I chose to ignore each one because I believed our love was stronger than anything in the world.
Then the image of her and Shawn creeps back into my thoughts, attacking me and pulling on every chord of my heart with full force.
I step out of my shower and dry off, quickly getting dressed, and walking downstairs until I’m outside on my deck. It’s late and I can’t sleep. I pull out my phone and hit the Instagram app. Once I’m in, I click on the search function and press on her profile. I’m scrolling through her posts when I catch a quote that says, Sometimes, two people need to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.
The quote stares back at me, egging me to think about it, internalize it, and I allow it to confuse the hell out of me.
She posted that image two days ago.
I scroll through her feed and I don’t see any pictures of her and Shawn. When I Google their names, I see an article from a reputable magazine and the headline screams at me.
Shawn McKay and Ashley Monroe Call it Quits After Two Years.
That article was posted three years ago.
Three fucking years.
I don’t know how I never saw it. I click on the article and it says that the ex-couple had been keeping it silent, and sources say they didn’t want the breakup to be all over the Internet.
My head goes in a million directions. She was letting someone love her, feel her, and cherish her. From what I read previously, it sounded as if they were on their way to getting married.
Now the truth is in my face, waving to gain my attention. It’s shoving the words down my throat.
She’s back.
Without a boyfriend.
Without her career.
She’s back in Mason.
The morning sun comes too soon, and when I’m done checking on the horses, I take Conquest, my horse, out into the deep grass. The sun’s out, not at its highest peak, but out enough where the light touches the fields. Conquest gallops in the pasture and stops when I yank on the reins. I can see my childhood home from where I am. The pain of seeing it there, of remembering all the times we shared, hits me hard.
It’s torture to live here with all the memories of her. But, no matter how much it hurts, I can’t ever leave. Not only is Mason my hometown and my friends are here, I can’t leave behind a place I’ve called home my whole life. I know it’s not healthy to keep all the memories and harbor them in my heart. I’ve been told to let go and move on. It’s easy for someone who isn’t in my shoes to say that. Simply put, I can’t let her go.
Then I remember the night at the bar.
I’ve never yelled at Ashley. Never raised my voice to her. Our relationship was perfect. We got along and knew each other inside and out. We finished each other’s sentences and fit together like we were meant to be.
Seeing her in front of me, throwing that damn letter in my face, and demanding to talk, well, I lost it. I feel bad and I wish I could take it back. Then on the other hand, this is what she’s reduced me to. This is the man I am: cold, broken, uncaring, and hurt.
I know everyone deserves a second chance and I should hear her out. Once I do that, who’ll be there for me? Who’ll tell me that I’ll be okay? Or what happens when she leaves again and doesn’t look back? Ashley and I are two strangers standing on our path with a hurdle of hurt and pain. There are unanswered questions, and more than likely these questions may not have an answer. These questions may be too difficult, too arduous, to answer.
The pain cuts deeper again and I’m forcing her out of my head. Out of my thoughts. The only thing I know is, she’s back, and I need to decide what to do.