Chapter 9
Ashley
PAIN ENGULFS ME. IT’S TAKING me under, drowning me, and viciously reminding me of what I might never get back. I cling onto my chest and fall onto the bed. My eyes shift from the ceiling to the door.
Forgive me.
Forgive me.
Forgive me.
Fear consumes me.
My head’s spinning from the aftermath of being in his arms and hearing him dismiss me. The more I push, the more he pulls back, and if I don’t push enough then he’ll think I’m giving up. No matter what I do it’s a lose-lose situation. I weigh both scenarios and sit up on the bed. I can continue pushing him and hope he’ll open up again, or I can give up and confirm everything he’s thinking.
I need to keep pushing.
***
Today I’m meeting Kemper for lunch a little ways outside of town. I need to get away from the gossip and stares. All this town needs is some juicy gossip and everyone’s in an uproar, drinking tea while talking about the latest news.
It’s been a month since I returned home and people are still watching me like a hawk. From the bits I’ve picked up from the grocery store and the shops, they’re wondering when Landon and I will get back together. They hope we’ll find our way to one another and settle down.
I’m wondering that, too.
The diner’s quaint and has a homey feeling. I’m standing by Kemper’s car, the one he’s letting me use until I can get my own. The large wooden welcome sign makes me smile for some reason. It’s as if I’m getting permission to walk in and not feel like the center of attention.
As I make my way inside the diner, I immediately see Kemper sitting at a booth on the other side. I rush over and surprise him by sliding into his seat and giving him a big hug.
“How’s my baby sister doing?”
I shrug and move out of his seat to sit in mine. “Confused. Hurt. Motivated.”
“Uh-huh. This got to do with your ex-boyfriend, Landon?”
“Of course. Who else would make me feel like this?” I sigh and rest my hands on the table. “He went to Kentucky without me two weeks ago.” I lower my voice and my head. “I stayed at his house and didn’t leave the entire time he was gone. I’m pathetic.”
“Nah. You’re in love. I need to say something to you.”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“It has been a month and you’re still living with him. I don’t know what you’re doing, but I think you’re missing the bigger picture of all of this. In your head, you want him back so you can ride with him into the sunset.”
I nod in agreement.
“And that’s your problem. You want this to be easy and for him to open his arms and take you back without a second thought. He’s shocked and scared, Ash. He needs to see you aren’t going to up and leave again. The only thing that’s clear is how much he loves you.”
“Yeah,” I quietly agree. I can see his fears and I completely understand.
Things between Landon and I aren’t the greatest. We’re living together, but our lives are separate. He spends most of his day helping Gunner and Jeff at the ranch, and then goes to tend to the horses. When he gets back home, we have dinner and talk about little things like how our days went, or our plans for the next day. I don’t dare go into his bedroom anymore, and we haven’t gone out since that night.
I glance around and see a few tables with people and an empty booth. A young teenage couple catches my attention. They’re sharing a vanilla milkshake, and holding hands, while staring at one another.
I immediately think about Landon and how we’d sit in a booth at the diner with our milkshake and fries.
“You know I’m on your side, right?”
Kemper’s voice gets my attention and I answer, “Of course.”
“Why are you really back? You haven’t said too much to Mama, and I’m sure you haven’t seen your friends. Talk to me, Ash. What’s going on?”
The question doesn’t throw me off guard. I put on a brave face and tell him why I’m back.
***
My two best friends from high school, Leigh and Shelby, begged me to come out tonight to catch up. I felt bad since I never reached out to them when I came home. After agreeing to meet, I watched them leave and I was happy they wanted to hang out. It’ll be good to catch up with them.
The Rustic, Mason’s one and only bar, is nothing compared to where I used to party. I use the word “party” loosely. I didn’t get into the whole party scene. I’d show up at a new club opening or a birthday celebration. While mostly everyone around me drank, I stayed sober and watched out for my friends. One day the paparazzi loves you, yet the other days, they can’t wait to show you in a bad light.
I keep it simple tonight by wearing dark, skinny jeans with an off-the-shoulder white shirt and, of course, my light brown boots.
It’s crazy busy tonight. The bar’s crowded with people hanging out and drinking, while the dance floor’s full of people two-stepping and moving around to some good ol’ country music. Leigh and Shelby are dressed to impress, with their tight shirts and short denim shorts.
“I read online how you posted your goodbye. Most of the comments are wishing you well and thanking you for being an inspiration. We’re so proud of you, Ash.” Leigh and Shelby touch my hand, give it a squeeze, and let it go before taking a drink of their mint juleps.
I slowly take a sip of my white wine and set the glass down. Being here tonight makes me realize how much I’ve missed. This is home. Not the city or a European country. Mason is where my dreams will come true.
“I heard from Fannie Mae that Landon turned down Magnolia today when they ran into each other at the store. Mmmm-hmmm. It was a hot mess. Magnolia came up to him, hooked her claws into his chest, and he politely moved away. Apparently, Magnolia told Landon that her parents are out of town until next week and he should stop over.”
Magnolia Edgeworth.
Just hearing her name makes me roll my eyes. I try to hold back my feelings since Whiskey’s not mine.
Magnolia’s had her eyes on Landon since we were babies in school. She chased him around the playground and always asked him if he wanted to come over and play. The thing about Landon, even when he was a little boy, his mama taught him to be a gentleman, no matter what. Each time Magnolia asked him to play, Landon gently let her down.
As we got older, her advances were bolder, but Landon remained polite. It changed once we became a couple. Magnolia gave up, but each time my back was turned, she came around and wanted to hang out with Landon.
She’s the definition of a hot mess.
“Oh!” Shelby snaps her fingers, trying to get our attention. “Have you seen Memphis lately?”
“I heard he just got back into town,” Leigh adds.
“Where’d he go?” I ask, wondering about Memphis. My heart hurts thinking about him and hearing his name.
When we were growing up, it was Landon, Leigh, Shelby, Memphis, and me. Next to Landon, Memphis was my best friend. He was my rock and Landon was my boulder. The five of us always hung out. Things were never weird and we never fought. The guys protected us, and mostly all the other guys in school were scared to talk to us, especially me, but I didn’t care. I only had eyes for Landon. We were family and we were there for one another—until I tore us apart.
“Last I heard, Mama said he was in California and then traveled to Alaska. His pictures are beautiful and being published in magazines nationwide. Mama told me that his mama told her his photos might be going international.”
I smile, thinking about how much Memphis loves his camera and taking snapshots. His talent is remarkable. What he can do with a camera, by capturing the natural beauty, truly comes alive when you’re looking at the picture.
Before Leigh says anything else, loud cheers ring through the noisy bar. The shouting gets our attention and I see Memphis walking in. I stare at him, instantly feeling sad and guilty. Landon hasn’t mentioned him, so I’m not sure if they’re still friends or not. Even though Leigh and Shelby are my girlfriends and Landon’s my heart, Memphis is my person.
“Damn he looks good,” Leigh whispers.
“Dear Lord he sure does,” Shelby agrees and takes a sip of her drink. “I hope he’s back for good so we can all get together.”
Another pang tugs at my chest.
“Yeah,” I mumble.
My eyes are still on him and I can’t look away. I should go up to him, talk to him, and pray that he doesn’t hate me the way Landon does. As if he can sense me, he turns around and our eyes meet. He shakes his head and talks to a few people before leaving. Without thinking, I get up from my chair and rush toward him. Once we’re both outside, I shout out his name and he immediately stops.
“Please, let me explain,” I pant, trying to catch my breath. “Please.”
“Then explain,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest, and keeping his distance from me.
The fire of anger mixed with sadness in his eyes, makes it all too real how my leaving affected my friends. I need him to understand or at least try to.
“All I can say is I’m sorry.”
Memphis nods and I take that as my chance to talk. I tell him about New York City and the years I spent there, and then I tell him why I’m back and why I didn’t sign another contract.
“Are you okay?” he barely lets out.
“If I keep up with my doctor appointments, I’ll be fine.”
“Does Landon know?”
I shake my head.
“You need to tell him, Ash.”
“Phis.” My nickname for him. “I can’t. Not yet. I’m staying with him and I don’t plan on leaving Mason again.” I step closer to him until we’re inches apart. “I missed my best friend.”
Memphis picks me up and hugs me hard. I wrap my arms around his neck and finally let out the tears I’ve been holding in.
“I hope you’re here to stay.”
“I am,” I whisper. “I am.”