Chapter 6
A week after Jain arrived, Miki came to fetch her for her first day of “slave” duty. She blushed at the thought of what had happened the last time Kesuk called her that.
Kesuk confused her. Her violent reaction to him was completely out of character, and being with him made her do things she shouldn’t. Like have sex on the side of a mountain. Wanting him this much made no sense. It was too intense for her to control, and it wasn’t logical at all.
“Here we are.” A flourish of Miki’s tiny hand ushered her into a large room filled with children of all ages, half of them naked.
She shook her head. She’d never get used to this comfort with nudity, though Kesuk did his level best to keep her naked as often as possible. Sighing, she pushed thoughts of him aside.
“Where are we?”
“The lesson room.”
“Lesson room?”
“Yes.” Miki nodded, a smile creasing her lips. “Papa says you’re our new loremistress. Our old one died last Thaw.”
“Loremistress? I’m your new teacher?”
Miki bobbed her little head as she leaned in to whisper, “Don’t tell, but I think you’re much nicer than her. Or the loremaster before her. They were both old.”
Compressing her lips to keep the smile from breaking through, Jain wagged a finger at the girl. “Now, Miki, that’s not nice.”
“But it is true.” A young male voice spoke from near her elbow. She glanced down and found a smaller version of Kesuk looking up at her, complete with serious expression.
“You must be Nukilik.”
“Yes. Miki and I are to help you settle in today.”
“Well, lead on, kind sir.”
Nukilik’s forehead wrinkled as though he wasn’t sure if she was teasing or not. Then he stepped forward and introduced her to the rest of the rambunctious group. The class immediately fired off a wild cacophony of questions about Earth. They wanted to know where she had lived and what were mi-cro-waves and how old she was. The day slipped away in organized chaos as she finally assumed a role she knew—teacher.
The next day, five adults attended her class. Then ten. Then twelve. Soon she had a constant audience slipping silently in and out of the back of the lesson room. The adults’ endless curiosity about her matched the children’s. They surrounded her at mealtimes and in hallways. These were the kind of eager students she’d have given her left arm for on Earth.
Miki and Nukilik were her constant companions, followed by Imnek, who she’d already surmised Kesuk had sent to watch her. Even when he wasn’t there, he controlled her. It wasn’t as annoying as it used to be. Maybe half as annoying. And a little endearing that he cared. Even though it was obvious he didn’t want to care. She kept that little bit of knowledge to herself, glad she wasn’t the only one struggling with whatever was happening between them.
The days and nights slid by. Though she would never admit it to Kesuk, she was adjusting to this new lifestyle with greater ease than she could ever have imagined. She hoped the weretigers were as welcoming as the Arctic Bear Clan. Over a week after her first class, she was at dinner, surrounded by the usual motley crew of adults with questions, when Miki tugged on her sleeve.
“Yes?” Jain asked, grinning down at the girl.
“I have something for you.” Miki smiled shyly, an expression Jain had never seen on her face.
“That’s so sweet. I love presents.” Please, God, don’t let it be anything live or slimy.
Miki tugged Jain’s hand into her lap and dumped a small pile of something into her palm. Jain lifted her hand and found a dozen tiny round shells. They looked like a cross between a tiny conch shell and a sand dollar from Earth. All of them were perfect.
“Oh, Miki. They’re so pretty. The best present ever.” And they were. Jain didn’t remember the last time anyone had given her an unpractical, just-because present. Her family had thought holidays too foolish and sentimental, and her husband hadn’t cared enough to bother. She hugged Miki tight and started to tear up, but she managed to blink back the emotion, burying the happiness along with the hurt the way she always did. Tucking the shells into her pocket, she cleared her throat and straightened, resuming her meal.
After dinner, Jain and Kesuk returned to her room. She expected him to pull her into his arms and make her scream for hours. She shivered, a little grin playing over her lips. He made just as much noise as she did when they had sex.
Instead, he sat down on the bed, his fingers splayed on his spread knees. His expression was unusually serious. “Since you came here, you act as though you’re living someone else’s life. As though all this is temporary and you intend to wake up soon. You pull back when circumstances become too real, when you feel too much. You did it when we loved the first time and again tonight with Miki.”
Crap. He’d noticed that? She sighed. “That’s how I was raised, Kesuk.”
“Hiding from life won’t make it stop moving forward without you.”
“Like time did.”
He snorted. “An unfortunate comparison, but yes.”
His hands curved around her waist, lifting her astride his lap. The position brought her eye to eye with him, and nothing had ever felt this intimate. This right.
She jerked back, denying herself and him. “I shouldn’t want you this much. Ever since I came here, everything’s been jumbled up and confused. I didn’t used to be like this. I never doubted who I was or what my purpose was. Everything was clear—what I should do, who I should be with, where I should go. It was all planned, all logical. My life made sense.”
“That was the way of your world, your people. Everything ordered and in its place. Life is not about planning every moment. Joy comes in the spontaneity of life, Jain. It doesn’t have to make sense. Sometimes people die when they shouldn’t. They also love where they shouldn’t. Those are things you cannot decide.”
“I enjoyed my life before,” she insisted.
“Such rigidity is not a good thing in one as young as you.”
“I’m over five hundred years older than you.”
He cocked a thick blond brow and folded his arms.
“All right, fine. I’m still not that young. And I’m not rigid—I’m logical.”
“No, your family was logical, perhaps. Your mate. But not you. You pretend to be logical, because you think you should, because it’s safer to believe you’re in control. Deny yourself all you want, but I see the passionate woman in you. I’ve held that woman in my arms, clawing my back, screaming my name in ecstasy.”
She squeezed her eyes closed, shutting out the image he painted. He was right. She always pulled back when emotions got too deep. Her family had been scientists, eminently logical. Nothing emotional was acceptable. Since her husband left her for another woman and her parents had died, her emotions had been locked in ice, frozen and untouchable. Was that who she really was? Who she really wanted to be?
She sighed. “I’m sorry, Kesuk.”
“Do not be sorry. Be here.”
“I want to be.” And she did, so much. She wanted to be where she mattered, where she was safe to feel.
“If you want it, then you’ll do it.” He pulled her tighter to his pelvis until she felt his hard cock.
“That simple, huh?” Arching an eyebrow, she smirked down at him.
“Some things are. Like this.” He slipped a hand between her legs, rubbing her through her leather pants.
Pleasure swirled through her, but she twisted her leg to avoid the touch. If he wanted to bring up personal issues, she had a thing or two to say to him as well. Maybe they should just get this all out in the open. She wasn’t the only one here with flaws.
“And then there’s you.”
“Me? I have done nothing.” He cocked an eyebrow, wary of what she might say. Women were unpredictable. A man never knew what strange things ran through their minds or what would pop out of their mouths.
“Ha! You’re Mr. Fix-It. You have to fix everyone and everything. Let’s forget about me and my control issues for a second. You also keep your soldiers from fighting and insist on handling every last detail of the preparations for the weretigers’ arrival. You need to try delegating some things. Let the rest of us work it out for ourselves. Trust your people. Trust me. We won’t end up killed by predators.”
Her hands planted on her hips, which still straddled his thighs. They should be loving now. How had his evening’s plans gone so awry?
He narrowed his eyes. “You would prefer I’d left you dying in the snow?”
She snorted at him. “Don’t be deliberately dense. I’m not saying we don’t need you or your help at all. I’m saying we can do some of it ourselves. You don’t have to be all things to all people, Kesuk. You have advisers and soldiers. Let them do their jobs. They’re competent, or you wouldn’t have put them in those positions in the first place. Am I right?”
“Yes.” He didn’t like the direction of her questioning.
“I’m guessing this micromanagement started after your wife died. You used to listen to your councilors, used to let your lieutenants make some executive decisions about their men.”
“I was younger then.” Why was he defending himself? She wasn’t right. Was she?
“And now you know everything and don’t need anyone?”
“I did not say that.”
“But that’s what your actions say to your people every day.”
“That—”
“Everyone else is allowed to be human, Kesuk. Me, your family, your men, but not you. You have to be perfect. Why is that?”
He slid his tongue over his teeth. Perhaps now was a good time for a distraction. “It was a human between your legs last night, was it not?”
She ignored him. “You see your wife’s death as your failure. Now you keep everyone at arm’s length so you never get hurt again. Miki and Nukilik are your only exceptions.”
Anger flashed through him. “Are you finished pretending you know me?”
She flinched. “I didn’t realize I was pretending.”
“You’ve known me only a few weeks, yet you’ve uncovered everything that’s wrong with me. How miraculous.”
Face flaming, her eyes sparked with anger and challenge. “And you’re any better? You constantly tell me how wrong I am, how I need to let go and feel. Sometimes it takes an outside opinion to see what’s really going on.”
He snarled, his fingers tightening on her hips. He did not wish to consider this. “You have no idea what you are talking about.”
“If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time I misjudged a man. Don’t dismiss what I said because it’s uncomfortable to think about. Deep down, you know I’m right.” She poked a finger into his chest.
A knock on the door interrupted his retort. He growled. Typical.
“Come,” he snapped, holding Jain still when she tried getting up from his lap.
Imnek opened the door, glancing at them once before fixing his eyes on the far wall. “My lord, the weretigers have crossed the border into our land.”
Jain’s lips tightened. She thought he’d run off to fetch the weretigers himself. And she’d be right. He sucked his teeth in self-disgust.
“Take a contingent of guards and escort our guests to Sea Den.”
“Me, my lord?” The boy’s eyes popped wide, his voice rising an octave.
“You are qualified, are you not?”
He snapped upright. “Yes, my lord!”
“Go, then.” He turned back to Jain, smirking. “There, you see? Delegation.”
She lifted her chin and folded her arms, which plumped her breasts. His hand twitched as he fought to keep from peeling away her clothes and filling his palms with her soft flesh. “Uh-huh. Make a habit of it.”
Growling, he gave in to impulse and pulled her closer to him, crushing her lips under his, ending the argument the best way he knew how. He closed a hand over her breast, making her moan into his mouth. She responded to him every time. He loved that about her. His cock hardened to painful stiffness, and his free hand cupped her ass, lifting her so he could rub himself against the juncture of her thighs.
“Papa?” Miki’s wavery voice sounded from outside the room.
“Every time. Every single time.” He groaned and laid his forehead against hers.
“I seem to recall at least one time on the side of a mountain…” Those exotic green eyes tilted up at the corners as she grinned.
She licked her lips, her eyes dropping to his mouth. He stroked the breast he still held, plucked at the nipple. Gasping, she leaned into him.
“Jain?” The door latch rattled as Miki struggled to get in. “Please, let me in.”
The ragged edge of Miki’s little voice alerted him. A nightmare. She hadn’t had one in over a Turn. He set Jain on the bed and opened the door, stooping to gather Miki up to his chest. She buried her head in his shoulder, already sobbing, her thin arms clinging to his neck.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Jain rose and reached over to smooth Miki’s hair, obviously distressed by his daughter’s tears.
“I h-had a bad dream. Can I s-stay here with y-you, Jain?”
“Of course.”
Kesuk groaned, mourning the loss of a night in Jain’s bed. A father’s duty was never done. Miki leaned away from him and held out her arms for Jain. His eyebrows rose. That was new. Miki never sought out anyone but him when she had a night terror.
His surprise was echoed by the look on Jain’s face as she tucked Miki into her arms. She rocked the girl, swaying from side to side with each step as she walked to the bed. Tucking Miki under the furs, Jain crawled in next to her, snuggling close. He shifted, feeling awkward and unnecessary. Jain looked up, patting the bed in invitation. Walking across the room, he banked the fire until the room was lit in a soft glow and joined them.
Jain hugged Miki closer, resting her chin on top of the girl’s head. “What was your nightmare about?”
“Mama.”
“Oh?”
“About when she left.”
“It’s all right to miss her.”
“Papa says we don’t need to because we’ll see her in the next life.”
Jain seemed to consider that, to consider his beliefs before answering. “Remembering the way you loved her in this life isn’t bad. Even if you get to see her again.”
He smiled down at his daughter, propping himself up on an elbow. “You will see her again, Miki. Don’t ever doubt it.”
“I won’t, Papa.”
“Go to sleep now.” He tucked the covers under her chin, and she closed her eyes.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Kissing her forehead, he petted her hair until her chest rose and fell in slow, even rhythm.
“She’s not allowed to grieve?” Jain asked.
He turned the question on her because he knew his response would only make her bring up his need to control everything. “Do you allow yourself to grieve? Truly?”
She didn’t speak for a long moment, and when she did, she changed the topic rather than answer him. “How did your wife die?”
Her soft words washed over him in the darkness, and he closed his eyes against the ugly memory, the guilt of his failure. The woman was right about that, the failure, the guilt. “There was a raid.”
“And she was taken as a slave?”
“No.” He couldn’t speak of this to anyone. He never had before.
A small hand cupped the side of his face, stroked his cheek. “Tell me.”
“The Blacks overran a hunting party. It was normal—it happens all the time. We attack them, they attack us. Slaves are the commodity of choice. Trading them is how we get the things we need. Deer and bison stay to higher elevations, and fish are in the sea. We use the exchange of people to get goods. Simple. Easy.”
“But not that time.”
He swallowed hard. “No. Not that time.”
“What went wrong?”
“During the raid, predators attacked, too. My mate was with the hunters and she…she was taken by the predators.”
The memories washed over him in relentless waves. After his warriors told him Maruska was gone, he’d hunted for her for hours, tracking the pack of predators until he finally found her body. She’d been mangled and half-sunk in an icy stream, her blood making the water run pink. He’d roared out his grief, the pain more than he could contain. Then he’d taken her in his arms and rocked her, knowing he was too late to protect her. She was gone.
His breath shuddered out as he allowed himself to recall his failure. He couldn’t bear to suffer such loss again. He would never leave himself or his clan so vulnerable. Hunting parties now went out with an entire contingent of guards. No women or children ventured out alone. Ever. He accompanied as many expeditions as he could manage. It was his duty to protect his people. He would not fail again.
Jain’s soft hand stroked over his cheek, pulling him from his reverie. He shook away his gloom, turning to face her. She withdrew her hand, settled her chin in her upturned palm. “Hi. Where did you go?”
I’m right here.
“You loved her.”
Fierce guilt hit him again, threatened to strangle him. “I did.”
“I’m so sorry, Kesuk.”
“Yes.” He made his voice abrupt, hoping she would let this subject go. He did not wish to speak of it.
“What was she like?”
He sighed. Maruska. What had she been like? He was ashamed to admit he could no longer see her face in his mind, but he remembered the life they’d shared. He summed it up as succinctly as possible. “She was the exact opposite of you.”
Jain gasped, a small sound of pain. “I understand. Good night.”
She slid down to curve around Miki, closing her eyes. He winced, realizing how what he’d said would be taken by his current lover. Foolish.
Our marriage was arranged by my father. We were raised together, respected each other’s strengths. Love grew from that respect, slowly and over time. She was…boisterous and wild.
“Nothing like me.”
“Don’t assume that is a bad thing. My mate is dead. I don’t wish to replace her with a pale imitation.” He reached out to slip his fingers through Jain’s hair, the dark silken length sliding between his fingers. She tilted her cheek to lean into his palm, opening her eyes to meet his gaze.
You are a beautiful woman, Jain.
She huffed a laugh, looking away. “Right.”
“What’s this? Look at me, little bear.” He frowned when she didn’t comply, tilting her chin so he could see her expression.
Her jaw flexed in his hand, but she didn’t try to pull away. “You don’t have to say those things to me, Kesuk. I know what I look like. You don’t have to lie.”
He swallowed his anger at that, stroked his thumb along her jaw. “Questioning my honor again, Jain?”
“No!” She glanced down at the sleeping Miki and whispered, “No.”
“Why would I bother to lie?”
She shrugged, looking anywhere but at him. “I don’t know.”
Something deeper lay here. “Who made you doubt?”
“I’m just not pretty, okay? I’ve always known it. Besides, beauty is not as important as intelligence.”
He heard the echo of someone else in her voice. “Hmm…your family told you this? Or your mate?”
“Both. He, my husband, and I grew up together. He was part of my family.”
He suspected her husband had been far more a part of her family than she had. “They were proud of you?”
“No, I…” She shook her head. “They were very busy. We didn’t spend much time together. They worked on projects and experiments.”
“They sound frigid.”
“Their work was very important.” Her voice came out stiff, controlled.
“Did they not love you? Tell you they approved of your accomplishments?”
She scoffed. “I’m just a teacher. My brother and husband were the scientists.”
This explained so much about her—her need to control everything in a world that wasn’t safe. Anger burned in his gut, the muscles ticking in his clenched jaw. He wanted to go back in time and pummel the unfeeling parents who had abandoned the vulnerable young Jain. He growled at the mere thought of her mate, a man who should have made up for a lifetime of no love. Made her see she was beautiful and wanted. He would never permit Miki to mate with such a man.
“Here we have no scientists. Loremasters are valued. They carry our history into the future.”
“Things here are backward of what I know.”
“Different is not bad, Jain. You will adjust.” What was he saying? She was leaving when the weretigers arrived. He sighed, pushing that knowledge away. Best not to deal with it tonight.
“Do I have a choice? Everything here happens to me. I have no say in it.”
“Controlling everything is not the answer, either, Jain.”
“Controlling nothing is irresponsible. I’m going to sleep now. Good night, Kesuk.” Her voice was prim and antagonizing.
Sighing, he fought the urge to throttle the stubborn wench. Yes, entirely the opposite of his easygoing mate. Too bad he’d developed a soft spot for recalcitrant women.
He dipped his head to meet her gaze. You are beautiful, Jain. I would not say it if I did not mean it.
“I know.” She shook her head and closed her eyes again, sighing.
In time, she would come to see he was right. Unfortunately, with the arrival of the weretigers, their time together would soon draw to a close. He hated to miss seeing her passionate nature come full bloom. He didn’t allow himself to consider that some other man might get to enjoy her after she left Alysius. She deserved what happiness she could find. Chest tight with an emotion he had no business feeling, he reached out to slide a tender hand down her soft midnight hair, reveling in the silky feel of her soft cheek. He lay for a long while, watching her chest rise and fall in sleep before he tucked the furs tighter around her and his daughter. The two most precious females in his life.