Chapter 4
Varad loved this view. The rapidly cooling air caressed his bare skin, and he stood with a forearm braced against the open window, watching the last fading rays of the sun being swallowed behind the moons. A great sigh slid past his lips. Gods, he was tired. And no closer to resolving his problems with his mate than he had been the day before.
She still lay on the bed sleeping. Her pregnancy would sap much of her strength over the next few months. He could hear her slow, deep breaths and smell the fragrance of her soft skin mingled with the lingering scent of their vigorous sex from the night before.
Hopeless exhaustion pulled at him. He wanted to give up, give in. Closing his eyes, he dropped his chin to his chest. He was so tired of fighting her, fighting to preserve their mating. It would pass, he knew. The endless longing he had for her was too deep-seated, too essential to his being for him to ever let go. He shook his head.
“Mmm…Varad?” Mahlia’s sleepy voice pulled him from his weary thoughts. He turned to see her push herself upright, sweeping her hair out of her eyes. She slipped to the side of the bed and gathered the sheet around her, tugging it over her breasts. The silk pooled at her hips, exposing the sweet curve of her backside as she stood. Waiting, he watched her walk to him, the sheet parting to reveal her long, slim legs with each step. He purred at the sight, desire kicking him in the gut. His cock hardened, throbbing.
She yawned as he folded her into his arms, her cheek lying on his shoulder. His hand swept up the soft, soft skin of her back. She dropped the sheet to let it pool around her hips. Her palm cupped his bicep as he pulled her other arm over his shoulder, slipping his finger down the silky underside of her arm.
“Mahlia.”
When she tensed against him, he knew she waited for him to push. Again. The sadness of this moment spun between them, and for once she didn’t fight. She swallowed. “I know I promised, but…”
“Are you angry that he died, Mahlia? Or angry that I left?”
“Neither. Both. Stop it, Varad.” She shook her head and tried to pull away.
He tightened his arms. This was it. Now or never. He’d reached the end of his endurance. “I cannot.”
Her fingers bit into his shoulder. “Why? Why? I did everything I was supposed to do, Varad. Isn’t that enough?”
“No.” Both of their breaths sped as agitation rippled through them.
“I hate you!”
He flinched back, pain ripping through him. “That is unfortunate, my mate.”
“Stop reminding me.” Her hands crossed to clench the opposite arm.
“I cannot help what you are to me, Mahlia.”
Her voice broke. “You can! You’re the Amir. You can do anything.”
“Except cut out my own heart, my love.” Agony exploded deep within him, and each breath was a painful rasp of air.
Her head shook, making her striped hair fly wild around her shoulders. “I am not your love. You don’t…you can’t. You left us like we were nothing to you. Don’t pretend, now that it’s convenient for you.”
Grief settled cold and heavy on his chest, forced the air from his lungs. “I never left Jeevan, Mahlia. I was here through all of it, by your side, and his. Every. Single. Moment.”
Her arms folded around herself, and she swayed on her feet. “I know. I wanted to hold him so much. I couldn’t…I couldn’t.”
The memory sliced through Varad, flaying his heart, his soul. He groaned, closing his eyes. He remembered. Gods, he remembered everything. At the last, even the lightest touch had made Jeevan scream in pain. So they had stood on opposite sides of his tiny bed and watched as their babe had drawn his last shuddering breath. A low keen of pain had erupted from Mahlia’s throat as she’d hit her knees, curling into herself and rocking. Varad had stared for a moment, but it was too much for any father…for any man. He had turned and walked away, his steps picking up speed until he was running as fast as his legs could carry him, the scream of a tiger’s roar echoing down the corridor as he went.
Nothing had drawn them together since.
He turned to her, closing his hands around her arms. She jerked back, tears swimming in her beautiful blue eyes. Her lips shook and compressed into a soft line. Then her face crumpled, and she broke, the tears finally falling. She collapsed against him.
Sobs racked her body as she pounded her fists on his chest. “You just l-left us. You didn’t care. His b-body wasn’t even cold yet when you f-flew away without a backward glance.”
Shock slammed into him, exploding in his mind. His hands bit into her arms. “You truly believe that? I loved him, too. I miss him every single day. There’s a hole in my heart where Jeevan should be.”
She let go, crying so hard she gagged. No more hiding her anguish, no more pretending to carry on in stoic silence for her people. She screamed with her grief, and it tore at him. He pulled her tight against his chest as emotion so deep it threatened to swallow him ripped through him. Salty moisture filled his eyes, and he held his mate to him, needing her soft body and sweet strength.
Spent, she lay limp against him, hiccupping sobs shaking her slim frame. “I can’t do it again, Varad. What if—what if it’s our genetics that don’t combine and this child has the same defect? What if it was no accident of nature?”
His hands brushed through the long strands of her hair. “We will do it because we must. If this babe has the same defect, we will love him or her for the time we have together. It is that simple and that difficult.”
“Such cold logic.” She huffed.
He snorted. “Love has no logic. Love is insanity.”
“Love, ha.”
Could he say it? Outright, no subterfuge? Yes. She needed the words, and he needed to say them. Still, his throat constricted. “I love you. I always have. I always will.”
Her jaw jutted stubbornly. “Varad—”
Sighing, he tipped up her chin and forced her to look at him. “Perhaps you should see it from my point of view. Did you never think to ask? I left you to do what must be done because I trusted no one else to do it. I had to leave. To do my duty. I trusted you to do the same. There is no one else I would as easily trust my people to, my throne to, my heart to. Only you.”
Her eyes widened, wary surprise flashing through their pale blue depths. She said nothing, just stared up at him.
He swallowed, forced out the words. “I died every day without you, knowing the one person who could understand, who would feel as I did, could not be with me. If it makes me cold, calculating, then I confess to it. I never meant to hurt you, Mahlia. If you believe nothing else, believe that.”
She glanced away, another tear slipping down her pale cheek. Her eyes clenched closed, and she whispered, “I believe you.”
The tight band around his chest snapped as relief rushed through him. Finally. Finally something to give him…hope. That they could make it through this. He loved her so much it was a physical pain at times. A life without her would be no life at all.
Thank the merciful, benevolent Gods.
He cupped her jaw in his palms, stroking his thumbs down her cheeks to wipe away the moisture. She leaned into his touch, pressing her hands to his chest. Her fingers idly circled his nipple, and he sucked in a breath, desire punching him. His dick hardened at even the simplest touch from her, no matter how serious the moment. An ironic smile twisted his lips.
She stared at his chest, watching her fingers move as she toyed with him. “I—I’m scared, Varad.”
“So am I.”
Tilting her head, she glanced up at him from the corner of her eye. “You are?”
“Of course.” What sane man wouldn’t be? Only a fool would remain unruffled when all that mattered to him hung in the balance. Would she accept that they belonged together regardless of the pain they might experience? Had he convinced her? Baring his soul to this woman was a trivial thing if it worked.
She wasn’t alone.
The thought, inane as it was, ran through Mahlia’s mind over and over.
She wasn’t alone. Varad was scared, too. Somehow that made it…easier to admit. To face. To get through this new pregnancy and pray to all the Gods for a happier outcome. Pulling in a deep breath, she felt as if she were surfacing from a deep swim in the Dead Sea. As if the heavy water had closed her in darkness and someone had reached out and caught her before the tides had ripped her away.
Varad. Her eyes closed. Gods, she loved him. And…he loved her, too. Sweetness bubbled up within her, and a smile burst over her lips. He loved her.
He grieved for their babe, too, suffering in solitude as she had. Smiling through the rage and pain as she had.
No more. No more of that for either of them ever. She squared her shoulders. It was right that they have each other. No one would ever know what they had been through, how they had survived. They were good for each other. They needed each other. The rest would take care of itself.
His hands stroked up and down her back, comforting her. Even that light touch was enough to make her shiver. Glancing up, his golden eyes swirled with the carnal heat that spun between them. Her sex tightened, drenching with moisture, and she gasped. She splayed her fingers wide over his chest, and he leaned closer, a rumbling purr vibrating under her fingers.
I crave your touch, Mahlia.
“You crave my touch?” Sliding her hand between them, she wrapped her fingers around his cock. Squeezing, she worked up to the flared crest and rotated her palm over the head. His eyes drifted closed, and his face flushed with pleasure.
“Yes. Touch me.”
Dropping to her knees before him, she continued to pump his dick in her fingers. She wanted to taste him, to suck him. She licked her lips, a teasing grin playing over her face as she looked up at him. What about my tongue, Amir? Do you crave that as well?
He sucked in a harsh breath, his pupils expanding as he watched her. He cupped her jaw while the other hand toyed with her hair.
Locking her gaze with his, she started to change, knew the color in her eyes bled out to a solid blue. She focused the shift, let her tongue become rough and textured, stroked it lightly from the base of his cock to the tip, swirling it around to dip into the tiny hole. The salty tang of his juices slipped over her tongue.
“Mahlia,” he gritted out her name, a warning, a plea.
His fingers fisted in her hair, and his hips bucked, thrusting his cock to the back of her throat. He snarled, hovering on the edge of feral. Her thighs tensed. Seeing how she could push him to the limit made her so wet. Heat fizzed in her veins, made her heart pound. She loved it. She wanted more.
“Mmm…” She hummed around his shaft and purred deep in her throat.
Gods, Mahlia. His groan reverberated through her mind.
Come for me.
Moving with the lightning-fast reflexes of his tiger side, he flipped her over onto her back. “Come for you? Not just yet.”
She gasped, arching beneath him. His hot flesh burned her front as the cold marble floor seared her back. Shuddering at the exquisite contrast, she lifted her legs to wrap them tight around his hips. “I want you, Varad.”
“Say you love me. I want to hear it.” His fingers threaded through her hair, his eyes meeting hers straight on.
She swallowed, and her heart stilled as she met his gaze. Tears welled in her eyes, and her lips shook as she tried to smile at him. Her voice came out a soft whisper. “I love you, Varad.”
His breath hitched, and he closed his eyes as though savoring the sound of her words. She lifted her palm to stroke his strong jaw. I love you, Varad.
Tightening her muscles, she tucked her ankles under his ass. He dipped his head, his lips caressing hers in a slow, soft kiss. He licked his way into her mouth, tongue stroking hers. Her pussy spasmed, empty, aching, wanting. She moaned into his mouth, excitement simmering through her. Her heart raced, sweat beading on her skin. Suckling his tongue, she bit down lightly. He groaned, his fingers tugging on her hair, brushing over the back of her neck. She shivered at the contact as chills spread down her arms.
His cock probed at her damp pussy, entering just a little and then retreating. Teasing her. She slipped her fingers into his silken hair, loving the texture against her palms. His scent filled her nostrils. Varad. She immersed herself in him: the feel of his skin on hers, the taste of him in her mouth, the hot, masculine smell of his body. She craved it the way he craved her.
Look at me, Mahlia.
Her gaze met his, blue on gold. Her breath caught. The molten fire in his eyes was hot enough to burn. He entered her in one long, unhurried push. Her pussy stretched to accommodate his length. He pumped into her, slow and hard. The moment spun between them, passion rising higher and higher until her muscles screamed at the leisurely pace he set.
“Please, Varad. Faster, harder, something. Anything.”
“Anything?”
“I need—”
His dick slammed into her, and she arched to meet him thrust for thrust, their gazes still locked, still together as they rode the storm. Together, yes, perfect. Yes. Her orgasm gathered slowly, rising like a tide within her. Heat sizzled, burned, and then roared through her until she bucked against him. She was so close she shook with it, need exploding deep in her belly. Sliding her hands to cup his shoulders, her fingers clenched, nails biting into his flesh as her excitement expanded. He reached down, fondling her clitoris, flicking over the sensitive nub until she cried out. Tingles raced over her skin as she flashed over into orgasm, coming in a rush so hot she thought her body couldn’t contain it.
Varad.
“Mahlia.”
She watched his eyes lose focus, turn inward as he came, his hips jerking as he shuddered over her, in her. Her pussy clenched again in a small orgasm, and she flushed, moaning. She panted, her muscles relaxing one by one until she lay limp beneath him.
She sighed as he pulled away. Stretching catlike, she purred as her muscles bunched and flexed. His arms enveloped her, lifting her as he carried her to the bed. She drifted in a dreamlike state for a long while, feline satisfaction coiling through her.
She lay curled against his side, her cheek pressed to his chest. She could hear his heartbeat, steady and strong, just like him. His hand splayed over her lower belly, and she felt the familiar flutter of fear. Her eyes closed, but she confronted it. Yes, she was afraid. Yes, she didn’t know what would happen next. But Varad was here with her, and together they would face whatever might come.
She was strong enough for this.
And she would soon welcome a child into the world. A smile curved her lips, the first shimmer of joy spreading through her.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“For what?”
“For this. For not giving up on me.”
“Never.”
She opened her eyes and traced an idle finger over the stripes on his chest. “I’ll miss you when you leave.”
He lifted her hand to his lips. “It will be difficult to miss me when we’re closed up in a flying canister of metal. I suspect we might try to kill each other. Won’t that be fun?”
Jerking back, she sat up to stare down at him. Shock flickered through her. “Wha—”
His arms folded behind his head, a smug grin curving his mouth. “Taymullah is old enough to reign as regent while we’re gone. And fully capable of assuming command. I’ll speak to Lord Kesuk and try to convince him to trade with Taymullah in my stead next Turn. I think my brother would enjoy Bear Clan women. They are…buxom.”
“You had best not know anything about their sexual prowess from personal experience.”
“I was trading for several Turns before we met, my love.” He held up his hands, innocence wreathing his handsome face.
She hissed at him. Innocent, ha. Not her Varad.
He heaved a long-suffering sigh. “As I was saying…if anyone would understand the need to protect a mate and young, Kesuk would.”
“So would you.” She laid her palm on his cheek. “You don’t have to do this. I—I know why you have to leave, and I support you in this. I can stay.”
“But I want you with me. I want to see my child grow. I don’t want to miss any of it. Not one more moment with you or my heir.” His fingertip brushed over her stomach before trailing up to swirl around her nipple. Her breath caught as he tormented her, a tiny smile pulling at his sensuous lips.
She swallowed. “I love you.”
His serious amber eyes met hers, all teasing gone. “And I love you. If…if our genetics don’t mix, and we cannot have a healthy child together, then I will declare Taymullah our official heir.”
“Varad.” He would do that? Give up the possibility of any child, for her? Emotion banded tight around her chest, squeezing her throat closed.
“You are my heart and soul. I will have no other.”
She cupped his jaw. “Nor I.”
“Then come back down here.” He crooked a finger at her, the playful smile back in full force.
Wrinkling her nose at him, she grinned. “Lead on, my Amir.”
“Yours. I like the sound of that. Of course, that means you have me for the rest of your life.”
“I think I can handle that.”
“Yes, we are well matched, are we not?” He laughed, rolling her beneath him.
Her arms slid around his neck, sweet contentment wrapped around her heart. “So you keep telling me.”
“And, of course, I was right all along.”
“Show me how well we fit, Amir.” She mated her sex to his, lifting her hips to rub against him.
An arrogant, feline smile curled his lips. “My pleasure.”
“And mine.”