It was 11:47 on a Saturday night. Didn’t know when life had become one endless party. Maybe it’d been gradual. Maybe overnight. Really, the last year was nothin’ but a blur of highs and lows, moving into the small house with the guys, writing music, begging venues to take us, and feeling like we were living the all-American dream at the same damned time.

Music blared from the speakers, and I sat on the dingy, worn-down couch with my baby cradled on my lap, stroking her strings and caressing her body. Feeling that stir inside me, something powerful, like it was my soul bleeding the song.

Ash was all hyped up, the guy spouting off about how big Sunder was going to be as soon as we got our break to a handful of strays who’d made their way in. Kinda the way everyone did. No home. Lost. Feeling abandoned and looking for a purpose to claim.

Apparently, this was the place to find it.

Mark was in the corner, eyes mere slits, getting lost in his own isolated world. In the old recliner inclined to the right of the couch, Sebastian was already nodding out from the poison he’d pumped in his veins, and his kid brother Austin was sitting on the floor, nose pressed to the TV so he could hear above the disorder while he played a video game.

No doubt this wasn’t the best atmosphere for him, witnessing shit no thirteen-year-old kid should see. Wasn’t the worst, either. Had to be better than him getting knocked around by the asshole who was supposed to be his father, anyway.

Right in front of me was the coffee table. Lined up on top of it in a perfect row were five shots the color of licorice.

Beside them were three fat lines of coke.

I was just getting started.

I barely looked up with the knock at the door and the turn of the knob, the lift of voices as a new group of people piled in. Ash was all welcome and hospitality as he shook a couple hands and patted a few backs.

But it was a tingly awareness that had me lifting my head.

Brown eyes peered back at me.

Wide and curious.

Both shameless and shy.

They wandered my face, over my guitar, down to the shit littered on the coffee table, back up to me.

Whole time, I just stared.

Maybe it was the high getting the best of me.

That rush of adrenaline beating my heart like the roll of a drum, just waiting to propel me on to something great.

But there was no question I had to have this girl.

Her friend touched her arm to get her attention, and reluctantly, she dropped her gaze and followed her into the kitchen. Ash slung his arm around her friend’s shoulders, no doubt whispering something saccharine obscene.

Clearly, Ash had done the inviting.

But I was all too happy to participate in the taking.

She accepted a drink Ash poured. They filed back into the living room and grabbed a seat. And I could feel her edging in closer, just like I felt compelled to move her direction.

The night moved on, a blur of shots and lines and shouted voices, the music nonstop.

Still the girl remained my focus. My eyes drawn. Dick hard.

Wanting her more and more with every glimpse of brown eyes below those dark, dark lashes. Her tight little body begging to be devoured, skinny jeans and a ripped-up black T-shirt tied at the back where she constantly teased me with flashes of her milky-white skin.

Ash kept plying her with drinks, and I smiled when she was suddenly sitting next to me, sidling closer with each shot we took. I shared one with her. Wiped the droplet of liquor that clung to the edge of her upper lip. I licked it from my thumb. Then my mouth was on hers, and she was straddling my lap.

Kissing me and kissing me, my hands in her hair, her nails in my skin.

I climbed to my feet, taking her with me, never breaking that kiss.

Swore to God, I’d never tasted anything so sweet.

It was a high unlike anything I’d known.

I carried her to my room, set her on her feet, kicked the door shut behind us. Darkness swam through the room. But this girl was all I could see. A shadowy angel striking like the best kind of sin in the hazy light filtering in from the window.

For a beat, we both just stared, panting, before I edged forward. She gazed up at me with those big brown eyes as she lifted my shirt. Fingers explored across the skin of my stomach, almost cautious, and damn if that wasn’t the hottest damn thing I’d ever seen. Then she went to work on the fly of my jeans, and I was kicking off my shoes while ridding her of that top and her plain white bra.

I picked her up and tossed her on my bed.

The remnants of my morning high were sitting on a tray on the nightstand. I swiped my finger through the powder and crawled onto the bed, hovered over her as I licked my lips.

She seemed almost reluctant, those brown eyes wild when I dipped it into her mouth, before she was sucking with a moan and I was kissing her again.

And I felt like a king.

So damned powerful.

Like nothing in this world could touch me.

Nothing but this girl.

Disoriented, I blinked against muted beams of morning light slanting in through the window. A dizzy glaze of glitter tossed what looked like translucent daggers into my room. I blinked, trying to find the source of what’d pulled me from sleep. The sleep I really didn’t want to let go of, considering I was pretty sure it couldn’t have been more than half an hour since I’d fallen asleep.

Tangled with a girl.

The girl.

That fucking hypnotizing girl from last night.

She was standing at the side of my bed, peering down, looking at me like she was memorizing a secret she was forever gonna keep. Brown eyes intent but confused and a little bit scared.

God.

In the daylight, she was pretty. All lit up in the shimmery haze that danced around her mussed-up hair and cherubic face.

Really fucking pretty.

And really fucking young.

I scrubbed a hand over my face like it might rearrange the picture, then squinted at her. “What are you doing?” I finally managed to ask, my voice like gravel.

Her throat bobbed. Anxiously, her tongue darted out to wet her lips. She started to take a step forward, then seemed to decide against it. “I need to go,” she said, so quietly I could barely hear her.

My squinting eyes narrowed. “Why?”

“I have to get home,” she whispered, all nervous and agitated. “I’m already late…and if my dad…” She trailed off, leaving me to fill in the rest.

Motherfucker.

I shot all the way up, running both hands over the back of my head with my elbows propped on my knees.

The thin sheet just barely concealed the evidence of my naked body.

I turned my attention her way. “Tell me you’re not sayin’ what I think you’re sayin’.”

She winced, swallowed. “Last night…I…I don’t do that…I mean…I have before but it was with my ex-boyfriend…but you kept looking at me…”

She waved her hand at me. “And look at you…and I was drinking…and…”

Panic started to bubble up in her words, and she shifted on her feet.

Guilt got me in a chokehold.

What the hell did I get myself into?

She was innocent. Yet still a little bit wild. Couldn’t quite connect the dots between the two.

“Come here,” I finally said.

She hesitated.

“Come here,” I insisted again, softer, stretching out my hand, knowing doing so was just asking for all kinds of trouble. But I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to wipe away the shame on her face.

Okay. And I wanted to touch her again.

Yeah.

I really wanted to touch her again.

Finally, she gave. She curled her soft hand in mine and let me pull her back onto the bed. She straddled me, knees supporting her on either side of my waist. She held onto my shoulders and I let my hands go to her hips.

All that long, long hair billowed down around us like a veil.

Hiding away what never should have been.

Us.

Finally got the secret she had planned on stealing away.

My throat felt raw when I finally spoke, not having the first clue how to phrase it. Because damn, this girl had caught me off guard. “Listen…I’m sorry if I took advantage of you in some way last night. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Had no clue you were…”

Clueless and a little bit scared of the answer, I looked up at her for help.

“Seventeen,” she supplied, biting at her bottom lip.

“Seventeen,” I repeated. I let that number roll around in my mind, coming to the conclusion the difference between that and twenty wasn’t really all that bad. Right?

I set my palm on the warmth of her neck, feeling the erratic thrum of her pulse, my fingertips gliding into her hair. “I’m sorry if you regret last night.”

She chewed at her lip a little more ferociously. “I don’t regret it. Not at all. It was—”

“Kinda perfect,” I said.

A breathy smile danced all over her mouth. Kind of like relief. Like she’d been wondering if she’d affected me the way I’d affected her.

If she only knew.

“Yeah,” she said, eyes downcast and shy and sweet.

She glanced toward the door. “I really should go.”

My eyes moved over her face as I made a decision. “What if I said I didn’t want you to go?”

Redness splashed her cheeks, and the words rushed from her like a secret. “Then I’d say I really, really want to come back.”

With a grin, I brushed the back of my hand down her cheek. “What’s your name?” I asked.

She gave me the softest smile. “Kenzie. My name is Kenzie.”

Kenzie snuck back into my bed the next night and the night after that, until it became routine. Until it felt strange when she wasn’t there. As if I was missing a piece of myself. That piece ached on the nights when she couldn’t slip out her window, when she had to hang low because the lies were mounting and her parents were becoming suspicious. The excuses and stories she spouted were beginning to do nothing more than point to our guilt.

She could only say she was staying over at her friend Tricia’s house so many times.

She slid right into the scene like she’d belonged there all along. Partying with the best of us. Up all night with me before she’d slink back to her place just before dawn, stealing into her bedroom window she’d broken out of eight hours before.

Most of the time, anyway. This morning I woke with her still wrapped around me. Her head was on my shoulder, all that hair bunched in my face. I pressed my face into it.

“Kenz, baby, what are you still doing here? You have school.”

Her head jerked up. Disoriented, she blinked. She looked at the clock on my nightstand. It read 11:48 a.m. At least we could still call it morning.

“Shit,” she muttered. Then she seemed to let the moment of panic go sliding by and she dropped her head back to my shoulder. “I can’t do it, Lyrik. It feels like I haven’t slept in days. I just want to stay right here…in this bed…all day.”

Turning over, I moved to hover over her. “Think I like the sound of that.”

She gave me a flirty grin, before we both froze with the sudden pounding at the front door.

“Just ignore it,” I said.

But the pounding continued. Her phone lit up on the nightstand. She fumbled for it, then squeezed her eyes shut when she saw the number on the screen. Finally, she opened to me. “It’s my dad. And I’ve missed like…ten calls from him.”

She thumbed through her missed texts, shaking her head. “He showed up at school to talk to Tricia. She caved. Told him where I’ve been going. This is totally my fault,” she whispered under her breath. “If I just would have gotten up.”

The pounding increased, this incessant, demanding hammer.

I studied her for a beat, before I asked, “How do you want to handle this?”

“I have to go out there. He’s just…worried. And I’m sure really, really pissed.”

Guilt moved over her face, that innocent girl making a comeback. The one who didn’t belong here.

Not at all.

“Coming with you then.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

I touched her face. “We can’t hide this forever, Kenz.”

“He’s going to try to keep you from me.”

“I know,” I smiled down at her, “but he can’t.”

Something like affection smoothed her features before dread took her back over, and she gave a tight nod. We quickly dressed. The hammering at the door never ceased. I could almost feel the anxiety and torment that came with it, the desperation fueled by anger and worry and panic.

It only incited my own. My heart rate increased with each thunderous jolt. I was going through a million scenarios in my head, what I would say and what I would do. Because there was no chance I was going to deny Kenzie. Everything about that felt wrong. Not when me and this girl were so fucking right.

That same panic had taken Kenzie whole as she shoved her feet in her shoes and quickly ran her fingers through her hair to straighten it. Desperate to put on a disguise of innocence when it was clear the situation was anything but.

She headed from the bedroom and I followed. In the living room, the curtains were drawn, the place dimmed out but the evidence from the party the night before still strewn all about the room.

For two beats, Kenzie hesitated at the rattling door, sucking in a breath, before she clicked the lock and slowly opened it.

Immediately the knocking ended as a flood of blinding light gushed into the room. A sizzling outline of a single dark figure in the middle of it gave the perception of a man on fire.

No question, that’s exactly what he was.

Kenzie just stood there with me five feet behind her, like a monster lurking in the dusky shadows.

For a moment it was utter relief. There was no missing it. Like the only thing in the world her dad wanted was for her to be okay. It took all of a second before the rage came rushing back.

“Get in the car.” It was low and full of a threat.

“Daddy.” She reached out a hand like she wanted to soothe him. Ease him and beg him at the same time.

“There’s nothing to discuss, Kenzie. Get in the car.”

She hesitated and I took a step forward into the light.

Revealing myself.

Brown eyes, the same color as Kenzie’s, flew up to clash with mine. But where hers were soft and sweet, his burned with hatred. It was barely contained.

“Get in the car,” he gritted again, his attention fully locked on me, that glare holding the strength to cut me in two.

When she didn’t move, he grabbed her by the elbow and yanked her out into the day.

She yelped, and I knew he wasn’t hurting her, that this guy was only there to protect, but I couldn’t stop myself from surging forward. I came to a hard stop when he forced her behind him.

A living wall of aggression.

His eyes wandered, scrutinizing, taking me in, adding me up. I stood there in my super-tight black jeans and ratted-out tee, the new tat I’d just gotten inked on the outside of my upper arm clear and standing out, black hair an unruly disaster.

That hatred deepened.

“You think it’s fun to play around with a little girl?” he suddenly spat.

“I’m not a little girl,” Kenzie argued quietly.

He threw a warning glance at her, before he was back on me, hostility increasing with every second that passed.

He pointed at me. “Stay away from my daughter.”

I rubbed my fingers across my mouth, dropped my focus to my feet like they held an answer. Slowly I looked back at him, trying to keep any animosity from my tone. “That’s gonna be a problem.”

“A problem?” he seethed, stepping forward and jutting out his chest. “You are the problem, and I promise you, the next time you even look at my daughter, the police are getting involved.”

Didn’t mean to scoff, but it was there. “You and I both know nothing will come of that. You really think they care about a girl who’s gonna turn eighteen in a few months and a guy who’s twenty? No disrespect, but your daughter isn’t a little girl anymore.”

“Yeah? Well, she’s my little girl. A girl who used to be a straight-A student. One I could trust not to tell me lies. And since she’s been hanging out with the likes of you, that’s all I get. A bunch of lies. Calls about her skipping school. Grades falling through the floor.”

Like he’d just been struck with the thought to do it, his attention drifted into the living room. It left me wishing I’d done a quick sweep. So no, there was nothing concrete laying out, but the remnants were damned near incriminating enough.

It was blatant.

The intense pain that slammed him, gripping him whole like he’d had the sudden onslaught of a heart attack.

He seemed to have trouble standing. “You really want to drag her into your mess? Ruin her life? Look at you,” he wheezed. It was something between an insult and him pleading with me to see reason.

Guilt spun through me again.

Winding me tight.

She was too good for this life.

“If you care about her at all, stay away from my daughter.” The command was hard, lined with steel, sustained by his love for her.

And it fucking hurt. Standing there like a punk.

Knowing he was right.

Wanting to fight back, all the same.

Guess we both heard her crying softly at the same time, because the two of us cringed in response, before we tightened again.

The words were spoken barely above a breath. “Daddy…I love him.”

I love him.

She’d never said those words before. And they terrified me, filled me up and left me flat.

What had I done?

He didn’t respond to her, resentment still aimed at me. “Stay away from her.”

He took her by the arm and dragged her out to the car waiting at the curb.

Kenzie pleaded with me from over her shoulder.

Do something.

And I wanted to. To change something. Just had no idea what that was.

Three weeks passed in a desolate confusion, me missing her like mad and filling my veins full of anything that might soothe it. So fucking high. So fucking low. Needing more and more and more. Of course, no one in the house noticed because they were all just as fucked up.

Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll, baby.

Never really knew what that meant until then. It was an endless cycle that gobbled you up before you even knew what was happening.

Just a bunch of heedless rats jumping on the rodent wheel.

Spin.

Spin.

Spin.

Of course, I was missing out on the sex part because no matter how many girls walked through the door, I was only waiting for her.

I texted her too many times and kept calling the same number that had been disconnected. Over and over again, like a fool expecting a different result.

They say that’s the definition of insanity.

Wasn’t going to argue the logic of that. I felt it. My brain slowly coming unhinged as my body gave.

In the bathroom, I regarded the red-eyed reflection staring back at me, splashed some cold water on my face as if it might clear the daze. Knocking my forehead into the bathroom mirror, I groaned.

God, I had to get myself together.

Scratching my head, I shuffled out, crossed the hall, and opened my bedroom door. I faltered to a stop and the breath punched from my lungs.

Sitting on the floor, leaning up against the far wall under the window, was Kenzie. She was a mess, cheeks stained with tears, hair matted in chunks where it clung to her soaked skin.

I shot across the room and dropped to my knees. Praying she wasn’t some sort of hallucination. I took her by the face. “Kenz…baby…you’re here.”

I was wiping away her tears with my thumbs, knowing it was stupid I was simultaneously smiling like a fool when she looked this way, but I couldn’t help it.

She was here.

She sniffled and shuddered, breaking my hold as she brought her arm up to wipe away the tears with the sleeve of her shirt.

I ran my fingers through her hair. “What’s wrong, baby, you don’t look happy to see me.” I tried to tease, hating the way she flinched when I said it. A slow dread laced with the relief I’d felt at finding her there.

She looked down, and I hooked my finger under her chin, forcing her to look at me. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Her face pinched. “I’m pregnant.”

I stumbled back. Knocked on my ass. “What? How?”

Incredulous, she laughed like I might be a little dense, the words oozing out like an accusation. “In the four months we’ve been sleeping together, did you ever use a condom? Did you ever take me to get pills?”

She pressed her fingertips into both eyes. “God. We’re so stupid,” she whispered. “So reckless and irresponsible. Just like my dad told me. He was right, Lyrik. He was totally right. I got so caught up in being with you, I never even thought about the consequences.”

I’d backed into the bed, propped up on it as I looked at her. Helpless.

Tears kept streaming down her face, and I wanted to ask her what she wanted to do—what I could do—but all of a sudden she thrashed, like she were in physical pain. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, voice a flood of torment. “What if I hurt him?”

Jesus.

I guessed that was my answer, because Kenzie was holding herself like she was holding it.

And I was kind of in shock. Had no clue what I’d gotten myself into. How to manage the shift from five minutes ago to now.

But there was one thing I knew.

I moved to her, climbed to my feet while picking her up at the same time, one arm under her back and the other under her knees. I carried her to my bed and lay down with her curled up against me, whispered at her head. “I’m in this with you, Kenz. We can do this.”

Gaze intense, she inched back so she could see my face. “I know we can, Lyrik. But I need to know if you want to.”

A soft smile pulled all around my mouth. Maybe there should have been hesitation. There wasn’t. “Yeah, I do.”

She chewed at her bottom lip, hard…hard like it was difficult for her to say. “We have to stop.”

I knew exactly what she was saying. What she was implying. Leaving the mess behind that was close to consuming me, the constant parties and drugs and endless nights.

“I know. I will.” I kissed across her knuckles. “I promise.”

A fresh round of tears slipped from her eyes, but these weren’t so sad. “Tell me you love me.”

I brushed the hair back from her face so I could see those brown eyes. Big and wide and full of trust. I gave her the complete and utter truth.

“You sing my soul.”

I lay curled on the cold linoleum floor. Naked. Shaking. Freezing cold and sweating all the same.

I lurched, just making it back onto my knees to puke some more.

Everything hurt.

But they were worth it.

“What the fuck, man, you can’t just leave.”

Ash was on my heels, chasing me from room to room while I packed my things, like it was going to alter my decision.

I hoisted my guitar case to the table and lay my baby in the velvet. I snapped it closed. “Yes, I can.”

“What about the band?”

A nagging ache tugged somewhere deep in my chest. It was from that place where I’d grown up dreaming about me and the rest of the guys making it big. Dreams of playing the music I loved widespread enough that someone else might love it, too. It was all mixed up with my loyalty to the guys, my friends that had always been more like family than anything else.

But none of that mattered now. I glanced at Ash who was fisting his hair like it might wake him up from a nightmare.

I gave him a shrug that was somehow loaded with guilt. “You know I can’t go on livin’ this life and have a family. Two just don’t mix.”

“Why not? I mean, come on. You’re just going to up and leave us hanging…after everything? We’re so close, man. So fucking close I can taste it, and we can’t do it without you.”

I hefted the case from the table. “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to.”

It was always a little bit awkward pulling up in front of the house of a guy you knew hated your guts.

For the last two months, I’d chilled at my parents’ place, working my ass off at the shop where I’d gotten a job. I loved cars and bikes about as much as I loved my guitar, so it really wasn’t all that bad of a gig. I’d saved every damn penny I’d earned except for the bit I gave my mom to cover my stay, scrimping enough together for the deposit and the first and last month’s rent on a tiny one-bedroom apartment.

Maybe I shouldn’t have been all that surprised when we found out Kenzie had pretty much gotten pregnant straight off. Could I really have expected anything else? But I guess when you’re living in a haze day after day, you remain out of touch of reality, little thought given to repercussions and results.

But honestly, I couldn’t say I regretted it or wished I could change it, even if ours wasn’t the most ideal situation in the world. She made me fucking happy and I knew I made her that way, too.

I clicked open my door and she came running out. She was just now showing, her tiny frame giving way to her five-month bump.

After tonight she’d be going home with me. She was eighteen and finally mine.

Not that her parents hadn’t thrown up all kinds of roadblocks, trying to keep us apart.

Maybe they wanted to see if I’d stick around.

Maybe they wanted to see if she’d change her mind.

But my dedication had never wavered or faltered in that time, even when I’d been threatened with arrest and a record tied to my name. Of course, that’s all any of it had turned out to be.

Threats.

She threw herself in my arms, and I lifted her, swinging her around. “Happy Birthday, Kenz.”

“Best birthday ever,” she squealed through her excitement.

Yeah. She most definitely had not changed her mind.

Laughing, I set her down, wrapped my hand up in hers. “You’re really gonna put me through this, huh?”

She stepped out in front of me, still holding my hand, grinning as she walked backward and led me up the walk. “How are they supposed to fall in love with you if they don’t know you?”

“I can think of quite a few things I’m sure your dad would rather do to me than fall in love,” I said, letting the sarcasm drip free.

She giggled. “Oh, come on, don’t be a wuss. There’s a whole lot to love. On both sides. They’re not all that bad. You’ll see. My dad wants the best for me. He just doesn’t always know what that is.”

I gave her a wry grin. “And you think that’s me?”

“I know that’s you.”

That was the thing about Kenz. She loved her family, and she’d been their sweet, innocent girl, destined for great things, until she’d run too fast into the speed bump that was me.

I shoved off the niggle of guilt.

The fact I’d derailed the direction of her life.

But I guess she’d done a little derailing herself.

“Don’t be nervous,” she mouthed as she opened the door.

She wanted all of us close, and I was willing to suffer through a night with her parents if it made her happy.

It was her birthday, after all, and after this evening, I was stealing her away. I knew that fact couldn’t come easy for either of them.

I adjusted the collar on my button-up shirt, shifted in the dress slacks I’d worn to put my best foot forward.

“He’s here,” she called as she led me through the living room toward the kitchen. Their place was nice, everything in order and tidy and clean, so much different than the chaos that reigned at my parents’ place. Her dad was a public defender, so he wasn’t close to raking in the bucks, but I knew it kept them comfortable.

What wasn’t comfortable was the silence that solidified the air in the kitchen when we walked in.

Her mom was at the stove, frozen mid-turn, her father with one hip leaned up against the counter and his arms crossed over his chest.

Going rigid and hard the second his sight caught on me.

Sure.

I’d spoken to them both before.

Multiple times.

But it’d never exactly been on friendly terms.

It was her mother, Deborah, who finally broke. A stiff smile cracked her face. “Lyrik…welcome to our home.”

Kenzie gave me an encouraging glance.

See.

“Thank you for having me,” I returned, gaze sliding to her father then back to her.

In what seemed like disgust, he shook his head, before he seemed to come to a decision. He breathed out heavily as he extended his hand. “It’s nice to see you again, Lyrik.”

I was hoping someday that might actually be true. That he’d really think it nice to see me. I mean, I’d dropped the band. The lifestyle. Got clean. All for them. Was hoping eventually he’d see that when it came to his daughter, all my intentions were good.

I shook his hand. “Thank you, sir.”

He eyed me warily, before he shook his head again, this time with a resigned laugh. “Come on, let’s eat.”

It really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, making conversation with Kenzie’s parents, seeing how much they cared, so much like mine. All any of them wanted was for our lives to be good. Of course, there would be some differences on what that looked like, but I was going to do my all to make sure Kenzie’s life was good. To make sure his life was good.

Yeah. His. We’d seen him on an ultrasound two weeks ago. It was kind of mind-blowing, seeing just what was happening inside her, that he was real and whole. Heart beating. They said everything looked good. He was strong and growing fine. Since then, the shrouded fear and guilt Kenzie had seemed to wear the whole time had vanished.

After we ate dinner, Deborah brought out a round cake and set it in the middle of the table. A ring of eighteen candles burned around it. Kenzie glanced at me before she closed her eyes for a beat, making her wish, then blew them out.

Deborah’s cake was all kinds of delicious. I told her so and she grinned a genuine smile. Kenzie moved to her father sitting in his chair, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed his cheek. “Thank you, Daddy.”

He sighed, then smiled. “Anything for my girl.”

“I love it,” she said as she spun in the living room furnished with the shabby couch my parents had given me, a scratched-up coffee table I’d picked up at a used store, and the TV from my bedroom back at the house I’d shared with the guys.

“It’s small.” It almost came out a pout as I felt a sudden rush of self-consciousness.

She smiled. “It’s ours.”

She turned fully toward me. Sobering. Voice soft.

“Tell me you love me.”

I took a single step forward. Touched her face. “You sing my soul.”

“I’m so grateful for everything we got today, but I have to admit, this is my favorite,” Kenzie whispered into the calm, clutching the mismatched patchwork teddy bear.

A smile fluttered around her mouth, eyes flicking down to meet mine. “I can’t believe you made this.”

It was a murmur. Deep and reverent.

That’s what tonight felt like, as we lay curled up in the quiet darkness on our bed.

Knew the day had been both exciting and exhausting for Kenz. We’d had the baby shower my mom, sister, and Kenzie’s mom had thrown together. Kind of liked it that the guys had been included, because I didn’t want to miss out on watching her open her gifts.

Especially the one I’d made for our son.

She clutched the lanky bear, holding it close to her huge belly where Brendon grew. Her tank top was pushed up so that big bump was bare, her skin pulled taut, rivers of stretch marks forever signed on her skin. I was lying just a little lower than her, arms wrapped around both of them.

“Make it if you want it to matter.” I chuckled softly as I repeated my mom’s mantra. Kenzie did the same, those brown eyes warm and contented.

I ran my fingertips over the bear. It was an inconsistent pattern of blues, deep navy all the way down to ghost white. It was sewn with sapphire yarn, the pattern a little off because my hands could never quite get it right. Not the way my mother had mastered.

“It’s not very pretty, but they’re supposed to represent a family being stitched together by a new birth. Each piece of fabric represents the people who make up that family, the yarn the love that binds it all together. Mom says they’re good luck.”

Mom had always been a little out there. Subscribing to a kind of faith I wasn’t sure I could ever have. But I sure couldn’t disagree with her on this.

Kenzie whispered, “Your mom’s amazing.”

“She loves you,” I told her.

Fingertips brushed down my face. “Because I love you.”

Brendon kicked against my hand, and I couldn’t contain the force of my smile as I pressed my mouth to her belly, the crazy amount of love palpitating within my heart. Shaking me all the way through. Seemed impossible to love someone I hadn’t even met. Not the way I loved him.

Less than two months and he’d be here.

God, I couldn’t wait.

“Come on, man, it’s a one-time thing. Once. It’s not gonna hurt anything.”

I slid out from under the car I was working on. Ash sat above me on a stool, grinning with those dimples like I was some chick who couldn’t resist his charm.

Idiot.

Still, I smiled, shaking my head. Because hell, I’d missed him. Had missed them all, that piece of my family that no longer quite fit.

“No can do, my friend. I’ve got a shit-ton to do and…well…”

Didn’t finish up the rest.

Didn’t need to.

All of them knew why I had to keep my distance.

Ash rubbed his hand over his face. “Listen, man, I totally get your reservations, but Justin totally bailed. We’ve gone through like five guitarists since you. And this show is big. Word is, house is gonna be crawling with labels and agents. We need you.”

I wiped my hands with a greasy rag, feeling bad, knowing I’d left them in a jam.

“Five hundred bucks, Lyrik. Five hundred bucks for one night and you can walk. You know there’s not a soul who’s ever gonna fill your shoes. But I promise, we’ll figure our shit out from there. We just can’t miss out on this chance.”

Five hundred dollars.

I could get that crib for Kenz, the one she’d been eyeing, the one we sure as shit couldn’t afford. She’d settled on the bassinet my mom had given us. It’d work fine. For now.

Ash could sense my interest, my slow surrender, and he jumped on it. “One night,” he promised.

I pinned him with a glare. “One night.”

Sebastian clapped me on the back before he pulled me into a hug. “Lyrik…holy shit, man, I’ve missed the hell outta you.”

“Shit, I’ve missed you, too,” I said, grinning wide as I stepped back to take in the venue. It was bigger than anything we’d ever played, backstage set up like we were royalty, dressing rooms, bottled water, and a bar full of booze.

Okay, so maybe not royalty.

But sure as shit better than the holes we’d been playing the last three years.

The vibe was intense. I watched a little wide-eyed as roadies ran around to get things set up for the headlining band. A band I’d actually learned to play my guitar to when I was thirteen, sitting in my room and picking out the chords to some of their songs.

Never in a million years would I have imagined one day we’d be opening for them.

Loud music pumped from the speakers, people rushing this way and that.

Muted light seem to thrum with the beat.

My heart latched on to it, this awesome feeling spreading fast.

This had to be one of the coolest things to ever happen in my life.

Totally fucking surreal.

Ash was right.

This was an opportunity that couldn’t be missed.

I shucked off the guilt trying to gain its voice, that little white lie sitting like a rock in the pit of my stomach. One I’d told Kenzie so I could get out of the apartment tonight, not to mention the fact I’d had to sneak my guitar into the trunk of my car while she’d been taking a nap.

My little sister needs me, baby. She’s been having a rough time at school. Gonna hang with her a bit. One on one.

I just didn’t want her to worry, and if she knew where I really was, she would.

Ash was jumping around, completely stoked. “Everyone ready to go on?”

“Hell yeah,” Baz replied, slanting me a glance. “Feels like a reunion…way it’s supposed to be…with Lyrik here.”

And it did.

It felt fucking right, and when I stepped on that stage, I was feeling so damned high. Floating on those old dreams that I’d had to let go. But for one night, I was going to cling to them. Live them. I could only hope this would give something good back to the guys when I was the one who’d bailed.

The crowd was absolutely wild. Eating us up. Their bodies a living, breathing pulse where they thrashed on the floor in front of us.

It felt so good.

So right.

I played so hard it felt like my fingers would bleed—so out of practice—sang until my throat was raw and my spirit was soaring. The place was completely lit by the time we wrapped the last song on our set.

We all fumbled off the stage, high fives going up, everyone backstage telling us the show was as kickass as it felt.

Shots were passed around.

I hesitated with the tiny glass clasped in my hand.

“To the future,” Ash said as he lifted his, and Sebastian and Mark repeated the same. I lifted mine. All four of us clinked them in the middle.

What the hell? It was tradition.

I tossed it back.

It burned sliding down my throat, pooled like fire in the welcoming well of my stomach.

I heaved a harsh breath through my nose.

Damn.

That tasted good.

And I didn’t have a fucking clue why, but I was throwing back another. Then another. I found myself in a room backstage. The headlining band had just gone on, but the after-party was already in full swing.

I fucking twitched at the sight of the pile of coke Adrian was cutting on the table. Had known him for years, and the kid was nothing but a straight punk, following the hardcore scene, party to party, club to club, always at the ready with a supply.

He’d even been back at the house I’d shared with the guys a few times, more there for a delivery, though he played it off like it was his job to have a good time.

Didn’t trust him.

Not at all.

But that didn’t mean my mouth wasn’t watering. That I didn’t itch.

I forced my attention away, back to Sebastian who was talking to some agent. He’d introduced him as Anthony, and I struggled to engage in their small talk, doing my best to focus on anything but Adrian.

But there was no stopping it, the way my gaze kept getting drawn, my mind already there, kneeling at the table.

What could one little hit hurt?

I crossed the space, fisting my hands as I stared down at Adrian where he sat on the sofa.

Looking up, he grinned. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the infamous Lyrik West. Thought you’d gone and decided you were too good for us.”

I wanted to tell him to fuck off.

Instead, I dropped to my knees. No different than a cheap whore, taking the rolled up bill and the proffered line.

But that was all it took for everything in my world to come into sharp focus. Tonight had to be right. My conscious sprinted ahead of the nagging wrong. The show. That fucking amazing show. Right here was where I belonged.

The rest of my crew joined in, the party raging on, growing by the minute. Between the four of us, we spent everything laid out on the table.

“What do you got?” Sebastian asked, swiping under his nose as he lifted his chin at Adrian, asking for more.

Adrian clucked. “You’re at five hundred bucks, bro. Gotta see some cash.”

Sebastian’s eyes flashed. “What the fuck, man? You trying to rip us off now?” He flung his hand at the table. “That was like…two hundred…max.”

“You still owe me from back at Benny’s a couple of weeks ago.”

“Paid you for that.”

Adrian sneered. “What? You’re calling me a liar now?”

Faster than anyone could make sense of it, Sebastian shoved the table forward. Adrian howled like a bitch when it rammed his shins. “Fuck yeah, I am.”

Weren’t usually a whole lot of people dumb enough to go up against us, but this asshole climbed to his feet, glaring down like he was all too happy to take us on. He spat in Baz’s direction. “Promise you, you don’t want to start thinking you’re gonna cut me short. That’s a story that’s not gonna end well.”

Anger radiated from Sebastian. Seeping out. This diseased venom he’d caught the day one of his brother’s had died.

Contagious.

Because I could feel those fangs sinking into me. It’d always been like that between us. Me and Sebastian feeding off the other, taking it out on whatever asshole got in our way.

Tonight it was Adrian.

Sebastian slowly stood, rising to the full height of his hulking mass.

“And just what exactly do you think you’re going to do about it?”

I pushed to my feet beside him.

Aggression curled through my muscles, twisting and twisting until I was wound tight. That old feeling I hadn’t felt in so damned long took me over. Something powerful and big. Bigger than life. Heart pounding wild, heavy in my hands and heavy in my fists.

Ash was suddenly a sensation in my periphery, everything else zeroed in on Adrian. His words just barely cut through the violence skimming beneath my skin. “Go home, Lyrik. You’ve got a baby coming. This night wasn’t supposed to go down this way. You know you don’t want this.”

Kenzie.

Brendon.

Thoughts of them tried to break through to my rationale. Screaming at me to step back. But Adrian smirked, a looked so self-satisfied, nausea curled in my stomach. “Heard you knocked up that Sunder slut.”

The scowl screwing up my face was almost painful, and I edged forward, pushing off Ash who tried to get in my way. “What did you say?”

Adrian laughed. “What…tell me you all didn’t pass her around first. Bet you all still are. We all know how things roll with girls like that.”

He smirked a little wider. “Know what…forget what you owe me…I’ll head over to your place and collect from her.”

It was like getting struck by an inciting fire, a bolt of energy that snapped you in half.

Because that’s exactly what I did.

I snapped.

I had the bastard by the throat, pinned against the wall, squeezing like I didn’t give two shits about his no-good life.

Deadbeat.

Sounded about right to me.

He was gasping, writhing at the wall, tips of his toes barely brushing the floor.

Sebastian landed three quick punches to his side.

I could feel the muscles in his neck rippling as he tried to catch a breath through the pain.

Ash got between us and pushed me back.

Scumbag slid to the floor, and Sebastian was on him, patting him down, pulling the bags filled with powder from his jacket pockets.

Figured it wouldn’t hurt to grab a couple myself. I shoved three in my front pocket, shot the bastard my own smug grin. “You can count that as my payment. Think you’re gonna say something about my girl? Think again.”

I slanted one last kick to his stomach. A gurgled moan wept from his mouth, dude a balled-up sack on the grimy floor.

“Goddamn it.” Ash dragged both his hands through his hair, eyes completely wild, rolling with fear as he looked at the crowd who’d gathered.

It was just then I noticed the entire room was watching us in horror. Like they’d just gotten a front-row seat to the freak show.

What have you done?

A voice pushed into my racing mind as my high started to ebb. I took a single step back with the shot of anxiety that hit me. Sebastian squeezed my shoulder. “Let’s get out of here.”

We started for the side door. Something like remorse and regret tickled through my senses, the bags in my pocket burning like guilt. The mistakes I’d been making all night long started to run through my mind as if on a reel. Mistakes I’d been making since the second I’d agreed to coming tonight.

What have you done?

A voice shouted out behind us, and I froze at the words, choppy as he coughed, but clear as day. “You better run, assholes, because you aren’t getting away with this. You fucked with the wrong guy.”

For a beat, I mashed my eyes closed, before Ash grabbed me by the arm and dragged me out, swearing under his breath. We stumbled into the late, late night. Cool air flashed against my sweat-slicked skin.

Jarring.

A waking slap to the face.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Ash demanded as he shoved me away from him. He paced, huffed, brow curled up when he looked between me and Baz. “Taking his shit? You got some kind of death wish? Because I sure as hell don’t.”

Sebastian threw out a sound of scorn. “Guy’s nothin’ but a pussy. He’s not going to do anything.”

“Yeah,” Ash shot back, “what about Benny? You really think he’s just gonna sit tight after you ripped him off? This is stupid, man. Don’t act like it wasn’t. And in front of all those agents. I’m done with this bullshit.”

Ash was done?

Agitation was setting in, and I dragged my hands over my head. “Gonna go get Kenz. Take her to her parents’ for the night.”

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I walked a couple circles as reality came sinking in. Was that what I was really going to do? Drag my pregnant girl out in the middle of the night?

“Said he’s just a pussy, man,” Sebastian tossed out, all nonchalant, leaning back on my car and shoving his hands in his pockets like he didn’t have a damned care in the world.

“Not taking that chance with her.”

“Go with him, Baz.” Ash gestured to my car. “I’m gonna take Mark home. Dude can barely stand.”

Sebastian shrugged. “All right then.”

He climbed into my car and I sped the short distance back to my apartment building. Dread sloshed through me, sure and thick.

Fuck.

What have you done?

I hopped out and bounded upstairs, let myself into the quiet darkness of the apartment. This tiny home we had made that was supposed to be protected. Safe.

I slipped into our room and stuffed a couple things into a bag. Kenzie was asleep on her side, and I nudged her hip. “Kenz, baby, wake up.”

She stirred just a little, squinting, before she smiled that soft smile. “Hey, you’re home.”

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

I swallowed around it. “Come on, baby, need to get you out of here.”

Confused, she shook her head. “What are you talking about?”

“Come on. Please…just…trust me.”

Trust me.

I bit back the cynical laughter, and instead focused on helping her out of bed, her belly so swollen it was amazing she could stand. She only had four weeks left and I wasn’t sure how her tiny body could get any bigger. She wobbled, and I steadied her, trying to keep my cool, that frantic edge that nipped at my nerves as I helped her slip on a shoe.

“Tell me what’s happening.” She whispered her growing fear into the darkness. I could feel it. The tremble that rolled through her as she clung to my shoulders while I slipped on the second shoe.

I didn’t respond, just grabbed her hand and started to haul her out of the house.

“Is Mia hurt?” She asked it as if the thought drew torment, this girl always thinking of someone else.

I wanted to say something. To come up with an excuse or another lie that would make this okay, but I was pulling her out into the deepest night, that quiet hour when the air held still in anticipation of the breaking day.

We started down the concrete exterior steps.

“Lyrik, please,” she begged, but stumbled a step when she saw Baz climbing out the front passenger and moving into the back seat.

A surprised breath left her, and she was shaking her head and tugging against me as I towed her toward the car.

“Why’s Sebastian here?” Her voice was quiet but tinged with accusation.

Didn’t answer. Just jerked open the front passenger door and got her in, buckled her as fast as I could, tossed her bag on the floorboards at her feet.

I rounded the front of the car and climbed into the driver’s seat. Engine still idling, I threw it in reverse. I was just short of peeling out of the parking lot as we flew out onto the road.

A bottled silence suffocated the air, like a carbonated toxin, shaken and shaken and shaken. Ready to explode.

Kenzie stared at me from the side, twisted with her back pressed to the door as if she could read me, her breaths sharp and barely controlled. “Lyrik, look at me.”

Knuckles white, I gripped the steering wheel tighter, keeping my attention trained ahead.

“I said look at me,” she demanded harder.

For a second, I resisted, head shaking several times, before I cut my gaze over to her.

Teeth clenched.

Jaw rigid.

Pain rushed up her throat. Strangled and hurt. “You’re high?”

She wheezed it as tears filled her eyes. “Oh my God. You’re high. You promised…you promised.”

She started struggling in her seat, fighting to get to the seatbelt latch. “Stop the car, let me out.”

“No. Taking you to your parents’.”

“I said stop the car and let me out,” she wailed.

“Kenzie, cool it,” I yelled. Didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did, like I was lashing out, but she was freaking the fuck out, yanking at the door handle like she was going to bolt.

“Let me out!” she screamed.

Maybe it was the screech of her voice that let me know I’d shattered our thinly set mold. Broken this good thing we could have had.

Crack.

Crack.

Crack.

At least my fucked-up mind thought it was her, physically rending our bond, my stupid mistakes cutting us in two. Until the blacked-out car sped around us on the left, Adrian leaning out and firing from the passenger-side window.

The windshield shattered.

I sucked in a shocked breath, yanking the wheel all the way to the right as I slammed on the brakes.

Sebastian was totally wrong.

Adrian wasn’t a pussy.

He was crazy.

Out for revenge.

Because of pride and money.

Money.

That’s what’d gotten me here in the first place.

Or maybe it was just my pride.

Base and vile.

Needing one more taste of everything I shouldn’t have.

The car skidded and careened, the wheel jerking as I fought and pulled against it.

A street lamp pole came up fast. Streaks of light glinted in the splintered windshield. Head on, we slammed into it. The car came to a grinding halt.

Only sound was the ringing in my ears.

Stunned, I sat there still gripping the wheel as my mind raced to catch up with what’d just gone down.

Slow realization filtered in. We hadn’t hit all that hard. The airbags hadn’t even deployed.

I breathed out relief, shaking my head to orient myself, to clear the muddled hum deafening my left ear.

I blinked through that high-pitched trill, tried to focus on Kenzie who stared back at me with those wide brown eyes.

Wild and frozen.

Shocked.

Completely shocked.

“Kenz, baby, are you okay?” I finally whispered through the clogging fear. I was fumbling for my seatbelt when everything went completely numb.

Kenzie lifted her hand that been pressed to her side.

She was shaking so badly as she held it up in front of her. Confused. The color was so bright, almost shimmery as it glistened in the street lamp glaring from above.

Her fingers were dripping with blood.

“Kenzie! Baby! Kenz…where are you hurt?”

Frantic, I searched her.

High on her side, a red stain climbed fast across her shirt.

“Oh my God, Kenzie.”

Hands shaking so damned bad, I fumbled with my phone and dialed 911.

What do I do?

What do I do?

“Please, hurry,” I begged when the dispatcher answered.

What do I do?

Silence.

The ticking of the engine as it cooled. The hiss of the radiator.

Silence.

I wrenched open my door and stumbled out. Paced. Gripping my hair. I finally made it around the car.

Sirens blared in the distance.

I pulled open her door.

“Kenzie.” It was a plea.

Lights blinded me from behind and paramedics came stampeding forward. Pushing me out of the way.

Suddenly, a flashlight was glaring against my eyes. It twisted me in knots, the look in the cop’s eyes as he took me in.

Suspecting.

Adding.

Kenzie.

Her name was the only thing I could think.

I batted the flashlight out of my face.

Another officer was ordering Baz to get out of the car. Sebastian resisted, a snide “Fuck off” sliding from his mouth.

Next thing I knew, I was being shoved to the ground. Face down on the pavement.

“Stay down,” a hard voice shouted as he stepped on the back of my neck when I fought to get to my feet, boot cutting into the skin, arms being wrenched behind my back.

My eyes were locked open wide in horror. Lights flashed and flashed and flashed, a dizzying whorl of colors and blips of sirens and pounding feet.

“Kenzie,” I kept screaming as paramedics moved by, voices obscured and lifted and drowned out by the panic still ringing in my ears.

“Kenzie!”

Next to me, Sebastian was face down on the pavement, too. Wrists cuffed behind his back. The cop standing over him pulled the bags out of his pockets, one by one, at the same time another was patting me down.

Discovering my guilt.

Someone was reading me my rights, but the words were garbled together like I was hearing them underwater. Didn’t care if they locked me up forever. Didn’t fucking care. Just needed to know she was okay. That he was okay.

The officer dragged me to my feet.

“Kenzie…please…Kenzie. Please…just tell me she’s okay. Please.”

Please.

Hours passed. Each minute excruciating. Every second complete torture. In a holding cell, I sat on a bench with my back propped against the block wall, knees pulled to my chest, eyes closed in a silent prayer I didn’t have any right to pray.

In it, I bartered my life.

As if it was worth anything at all.

The hands on the round clock sitting high on the far wall told me more than twelve hours had gone by since they’d left me in here without a word. Without any idea of what’d happened to either of them. Left me to my thoughts and self-hatred and fear.

Agony.

Hadn’t slept in close to two days, and that low after my high was begging me to find sleep. To curl up so maybe I could just die.

Fighting the fatigue, I banged my head against the wall and shouted out another unheard plea.

“Kenzie.”

Startled, I jumped when the lock buzzed and the heavy door gave.

I scrambled to my feet.

“Got a visitor, West. Let’s go.”

They shackled my wrists in the front, leading me down one long hall then another, before they ducked me into a small room, the walls the same dingy white like the cell.

But this one had a table in the middle, a single chair on the side closest to me and two on the other.

Doug Cartwright sat in one of the far two chairs, brown hair sticking up all over the place like he’d run his hands through it a million times, cheap suit wrinkled, tie loose, eyes red.

Dread shook me to the core, and my knees went weak. I stumbled. The guard huffed and grabbed me by an elbow, forcing me up and shoving me forward where I slumped into the chair facing Doug. I closed my eyes, throat so fucking thick and dry I was pretty sure it was going to strangle me.

“Tell me they’re okay.”

I begged it against the blackness of my lids, unable to look at Kenzie’s father if he told me anything different.

There was a charged silence before he finally spoke, his voice rough, reticent. “They both made it.”

There was nothing I could do. My entire body collapsed forward, bones dislodged in relief. A sob erupted from a place so deep, so intense, I felt it ripping from me, fracturing as I expelled the pent-up, festered agony. It echoed off the walls, torment and relief as my forehead rocked against the cold table.

Didn’t care I probably sounded like a sniveling bitch.

That I knew Doug was watching me crumble into a million splintered pieces.

Disintegrating.

Viewing it with disgust.

I forced myself to find a breath, to sit up, to look at this man who’d done everything in his power to keep me away from his daughter.

How could I have ever blamed him?

He cleared his throat, though everything coming from him was still craggy and pitted with grief. “They took Brendon by C-section. He was born at 6:12 this morning. He had no issues other than mild fetal distress, probably brought on by Kenzie’s trauma. They delivered him and transitioned her straight into surgery to repair her abdominal wall.”

His bottom lip trembled. “Inch lower, and they’d both be dead.”

My eyes dropped closed again. Thinking if I closed them long enough, it might set time in rewind. Take me back to where it all started. To that one decision I’d made.

One mistake.

All it took was one mistake for the world to fall down around you.

One mistake to set you on a collision course with yourself.

Knew it all along.

Kenz didn’t belong in my world, hard as I’d tried to keep her there.

Doug leaned forward. Anger eclipsed the sorrow and exhaustion that’d sagged his shoulders just a minute before. He rammed his index finger into the table. “One inch, Lyrik…one inch and you would’ve killed my baby and yours.”

I couldn’t even respond, because what was I going to say?

Knew I was to blame.

Guilt swallowed me like a ship going down in the middle of an icy ocean.

A shiver slicked down my spine.

He flipped open the folder sitting on the table.

I tried to breathe.

To sit still and accept my punishment when I somehow realized the executioner had come to collect.

I blinked long, focus blurry yet somehow excruciatingly clear.

On the top was a sheet where my charges were listed, and he pushed it across the table toward me.

Possession of cocaine and heroin with intent to distribute. Two counts of reckless endangerment.

I gave him a slight nod of understanding.

He pulled out a short stack of papers clipped together at the top, hand shaking when he slid it my way.

It was a plea bargain.

What the fuck?

My attention jerked up to meet the weariness lining his face.

“What, you’re my attorney now?” Didn’t mean it to sound so bitter.

“Just want the best for all parties involved.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He hefted a shoulder. “Read it.”

I lifted my shackled wrists to the table, metal clanging as I pulled the papers closer so I could see the details.

The bitter fucking details.

I got a free pass.

No doubt, there were all kinds of strings being pulled, and it was Doug who held them like a puppeteer.

I could walk as long as I signed away my parental rights.

As long as I agreed to never see Kenzie again.

Didn’t even know if this shit was legal.

I shook my head. Blinking. Unseeing.

“You want me to walk away from them.” It wasn’t a question.

He kept his voice even. “I just want the best for them.”

On a heavy exhale, he shifted, dug into the inside pocket of his jacket, and pulled out an envelope. “Can’t have this on record, but sign and it’s yours. It’s all the money I have to give. You walk away and I promise I’ll take care of them. I’ll make sure they have the kind of life you could never give them. Or you can sit and rot in jail for the next five to ten years and you won’t have her anyway. Your choice.”

Your choice? There was no fucking choice. Either way, I’d lost my family.

Ruined it all.

He set the thin envelope next to the agreement.

Overwhelming grief formed in every cell of my being. But I pushed it down, and instead let each inch of me harden to the point of pain. Brittle and broken and harsh. I welcomed it. Could feel the grit of my teeth. “And Baz?”

“Your friend’s going to jail one way or the other. Got him down to a couple of years, and he’ll probably be out in less than a year if he keeps his nose clean on the inside.”

I ran my finger under the open edge of the envelope, lifting it enough so I could peek inside. Not that I gave a shit what the number read.

One hundred thousand dollars.

No doubt, this was their entire life savings.

“Need to talk to Baz…” I swallowed over the razors in my throat. “And I want to tell Kenzie myself.”

He hesitated, and I shook my head. “Won’t do it any other way.”

It seemed in reluctance, but finally he nodded. Quickly, I scanned through the agreement then scribbled my name on the line, not giving two fucks if I was unknowingly signing away my life. I’d just paid for the one thing I wanted.

One minute with Kenzie.

One minute with my son.

I picked up the envelope and shot Doug a grin.

He dropped his gaze.

Like he couldn’t stand to look at me.

Seemed about right, because I couldn’t stand myself.

“You expect somethin’ different?” I asked, that bitterness baring its teeth.

He looked up and met my stare straight on. “Yeah…guess maybe I did.”

“Last thing I meant was to sell you out, leave you in this hole by yourself when I belong here, too, but this is the one thing I need.”

My voice was desperate, my demeanor the same. “The one thing I’m asking of you. I need to see them once. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

I just needed to see them once.

Baz gripped me, his hug a stranglehold, his voice a harsh whisper in my ear. “Don’t, man. This is my fault. Everything. Dragging my whole crew down and into this bullshit lifestyle. You know it’s on me.” Pulling back, he studied my face. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Of course it wasn’t.

I’d taken the good I was given. Trampled it like it was nothing. Thrown it away in one reckless night.

But I was going to do one thing good.

I was going to let the good go.

“Yeah.”

Baz stepped back and gripped me by both shoulders. “Take whatever time they’ll give you. Then go…step up and take my place while I’m in here. Keep the band together. Make sure all this nonstop partying bullshit ends. Take care of the guys. Watch over my baby brother. Need you, man.”

I jerked through a nod. “Anything. It’s done.”

The door buzzed and I shuffled out into the emerging night.

Freedom.

But I’d never felt more chained.

I’d gone back to our tiny apartment, showered and changed, fighting the loneliness that moaned from within the walls, tentacles burrowing into my skin and hunting for a way to become one with me.

It would.

I knew it.

But I had one task left before I could let it.

I took a cab to the hospital and stepped onto the sidewalk. Night in full bloom, the sky seemed a tired, drooping canvas, grayed with the reflection of city lights. A thick fog stretched across the space and meshed with the clouds encroaching in the distance.

Tumultuous.

Fierce.

Energy held fast, something ominous and dense.

A dark warning I was getting ready to sell my soul.

Welcome to hell.

Sucking in a breath, I found my way inside, anxious as I jabbed at the elevator button. It lifted me to the seventh floor, and I ducked by the nurses, headed down the hall to the room number Doug had supplied.

Outside her room, I had to take a minute to convince myself what I was doing was right. When that didn’t work, I just fed myself a few lies, drew in a breath, and cracked open the door.

Kenzie was propped up in the hospital bed, gown slung down over one shoulder with our son flailing a bit where he was pressed to her breast.

Grief slammed me. Another stake to my blackened soul.

Forcing myself to step forward, I let the door click shut behind me.

Startled, Kenzie’s attention flew my way. Her face transformed into an expression of sheer relief. Her mouth parted, smile tilting at the corner. She heaved out a breath, wiped at her face, and I was just seeing then the tears that had been making a slow path down her face.

I wanted to drink her in. Memorize her sweet, soft face. Because I wouldn’t ever get to see her again.

“You’re here.”

“Yeah.”

I stood over them, and she looked down, away from me, tender as she touched his face. This tiny thing with swollen eyes and pouty lips, this little boy that tore everything I had left inside apart.

Shredded.

Soggy laughter tumbled from her, and she grinned between us, vacillating somewhere between awe and sorrow. “This is so much harder than they make it out to be…the breastfeeding thing…” She started to ramble. “I’ve been trying all afternoon, and he just keeps falling asleep…and I keep trying…and…”

Her voice broke on the last, and she heaved a sob.

Overridden by shame, I moved across the room and sat down on a chair, stared over at her.

“I’m so mad at you,” she finally whispered through her tears.

“I know.”

“Lyrik…you can’t—”

I cut her off by quickly standing again, because I couldn’t take it. Couldn’t take her pleading with me to be someone I obviously couldn’t be.

I inched back over to them, the back of my finger caressing Brendon’s cheek. “Can I?”

She frowned. “Of course you can…he’s your son.”

Only he wasn’t really. Not anymore.

Carefully, I lifted his tiny body that was wrapped in a blanket, a blue and pink cap on his head. The weight of him was next to nothing yet wholly profound.

I rested him on my shoulder, inhaling as deeply as I could when I breathed him in.

Memorizing everything I’d lost. Pouring anything I had left back into him.

Loved him with everything I had.

Silent promises began to rush out.

My heart. It belongs to you. Won’t ever give it to anyone again. You’re the last. I won’t ever fall in love again. Not after you.

My son.

He made this gurgling, sweet sound. With my hand, I guarded his head when I pulled him away so my eyes could trace his face. So I could commit it to memory.

His tiny mouth opened in an exaggerated yawn as he leaned back into my hold, tongue poking out, then he was trying to shove his fist in his mouth.

Warm laughter spilled from my chest.

“He’s perfect, Kenz.”

“Yeah.” A soft smile pulled at her tired face.

“You’re gonna be okay,” I told her, hugging Brendon a little closer.

“I know,” she said like she didn’t get what I was trying to say. And I knew she didn’t. This innocent, sweet girl had no clue she was getting ready to be crushed.

Fuck, I’d do anything to go back. Erase it. Change everything I’d done.

But Doug was right.

I wasn’t ever gonna be good enough.

I held my son as close as I could.

Rocking him slowly, because God, I didn’t want to let him go.

The back of my throat burned like a bitch, and I fought the moisture welling behind my eyes. Quickly, before I lost my nerve, I moved back to that hypnotizing girl, settled our son back across her chest, and kissed through the hair matted to her forehead. I didn’t move away, just let my words penetrate there.

“I’m leaving, Kenz. Leaving you and Brendon because you both deserve so much better than anything I could ever give.”

She jerked. “No.”

“Yes.”

I could feel the rush of panic swell around her. “No…Lyrik…no don’t. We can—”

“No, we can’t. Your dad got me off, Kenz. Paid me off too, and I’m taking that money. Band and the boys need it. You’ll be just fine without me.”

Trembles of revulsion and denial rolled through her body. “No. You’re lying. You’re lying.”

Yeah. I was. But she wasn’t ever going to know.

It was better this way.

Hate me, Kenz. Hate me.

And as fucking hard as I tried to keep it in, to hold it back, to just leave because I knew it’d be easier on her that way, I got selfish and pressed one last kiss to her wet lips. I closed my eyes as I gave her the complete and utter truth. “You sing my soul.”

Took everything I had to rip myself away.

She was screaming my name when I tore open the door and flew out.

“Lyrik!”

A shrill, startled cry from that tiny, innocent boy vibrated the walls, like he was a partner to his mom’s torment—to mine—like something vital had been cut away from his soul.

“Lyrik…please…no…don’t leave me.”

I didn’t slow down or acknowledge her father where he sat like a broken guardian outside her door, head bowed between his shoulders and elbows on his knees.

I just fled.

Bright lights blinded from above and gleamed against the stark white floor. I hurtled down the narrow hall, desperate for escape.

With every pounding step, I felt the separation grow. A chasm rending and ripping until I felt myself splitting in two.

Don’t leave us.

Impossible, but I could still hear her even when it wasn’t real. When she was too far and I couldn’t touch.

Lyrik…please.

Knew my battered, blackened soul would always hear her.

Gasping for breath, I stumbled out of the building and into the vacancy of the deep, deep night. Wind gusted, tumbling along the surface of the ground, a stir of agitation at my feet.

Above, the storm raged. Clouds dark and heavy and ominous.

Beside me, lightning struck. A crackle of energy shocked through the air. Wrapping me in coils of white-hot agony.

For a moment, I gave into it and let myself feel. I lifted my face to the tormented sky, hands gripping my hair as I screamed.

Screamed in anguish.

Screamed in regret.

Screamed loud enough I would never forget.

A crack of thunder opened the sky.

Rain poured.

I took the check from my pocket, heart heaving as I tore it to shreds, flying pieces impaled by fat drops of rain as I chucked them into the disordered air.

Hands fisted at my sides, I buried the memory of the way he’d felt in my arms, the memory of his face, in the deepest part of me, sealed it off and cemented my heart.

My spirit grasped and wove with the promise I had made him.

I will never fall in love again.

Not ever again.

Not after tonight.