There are times in your life you know without a doubt you’re doing everything wrong.

When you know you’re nothing but a liar and a bastard and a cheat.

Hands down, this was one of them.

It was like watching everything go down in slow motion while your mind’s still set to real time.

Taking everything in while there’s not a fucking thing in the world you can do to stop it.

Especially when you were the piece of shit who’d set it all into motion in the first place.

I could see it coming, and I braced myself for the bitter bite of her hand.

Welcomed it, really.

Hate me, Blue. Hate me.

It was the only option we had left. Not after I’d fucked it all up.

The crack echoed off the walls.

Vibrating with the magnitude of the wound I’d just inflicted.

Hate me, Blue. Hate me.

I knew those words would cut her deep. But they were the only ones that could maybe undo the words that had left me without permission upstairs. The only ones that’d maybe keep this gorgeous girl from looking at me as if I were her savior and her light and her life.

Because God knew that’s the way I’d come to look at her.

My cheek stung like a bitch when she drew her trembling hand away. Holding her wrist, she cradled her hand against her chest, her expression altogether horrified and hurt and maybe a little bit shocked that she’d actually hit me.

I deserved it.

I fucking deserved every repercussion that would come my way for letting loose those words from my mouth.

Both the ones that left me without permission upstairs and the ones spurred by this blinding panic still beating at my heart.

Who didn’t deserve it was Blue.

Brave, beautiful Blue.

I wanted to shout a thousand apologies. To drop to my knees like a goddamned beggar and pray for forgiveness. But like she’d told me before, it was a good thing my apologies were rare because they didn’t mean all that much anyway. And me opening my mouth now would only hurt her more.

Should have turned around and walked away the first time she made me feel different. The first time she filled me with regret and remorse. The first time she made me feel those flickers of joy.

Knew where they would lead.

And like a bastard, I’d chased her all the same. Again and again. Unable to let her go.

Selfish.

That’s what I did. I took those bits of good I’d been given and crushed them.

And right now? There was no question that’s exactly what I’d done.

Crushed up an innocent girl because I was too fucking weak to stay away.

My red-headed siren who was trying with all her might to stand tall, to pretend I hadn’t just slayed her straight.

But it was those warm wells of blue that told no lies.

I felt it in my gut and it trembled around my blackened heart. That feeling I couldn’t afford to feel.

You sing my soul.

God, this girl made me want more.

I looked away, to the ground.

Loyalty.

That was the one good thing I had, and it didn’t matter how much this was killing me. How badly I was hurting her. This had to end. I had to stop this madness before it was too late. Before I obliterated the lines that I kept pushing and pushing further out. A fool to pretend like I wouldn’t eventually cross them.

Slowly, Tamar stepped back, her head shaking as if she were trying to orient herself to the disaster that’d just gone down.

We’d been a bomb waitin’ to go off.

That bundle of fireworks just waiting for a match.

And I just loved playing with fire.

“Fuck you,” she finally said, her mouth trembling, soaked with the same tears that hadn’t stopped falling since that kid had recognized her back at the club.

Yeah.

Fuck me.

Because all I wanted to do was reach out. Hold her. Beg her to stay when without a doubt it was past time for her to go. I’d already let this drag on for far too long.

When I didn’t respond, she spun around and ran up the stairs. I could hear her banging around up there, and I was all of a sudden aware of the heat of Ash’s glare burning like daggers into my back and the unease radiating off Zee where they stood in the niche of the kitchen entryway.

Just what I needed.

A damned audience while I cut down another life.

She came hurtling back down, suitcase bouncing on each step as she dragged it behind her. She blew by me like a tiny ball of fiery energy, yet so fucking big and profound.

This girl larger than life. All sex and sin. Pure and soft and sweet.

An enigma.

Temptation.

I raked a hand through my hair, feeling like my insides were getting ripped to shreds.

She headed for the door, not even glancing my way.

Panic flapped all around me like frantic wings and before I could stop myself I was calling her name. “Tamar.”

She froze.

Shit.

Was that the first time I ever called her that? But I knew anything else would amount to nothin’ but a snub. Another insult thrown her way.

Slowly she turned, and my gut clenched, because this girl was so damned beautiful it knocked the breath from my lungs. So damned pretty. And she was looking at me like she was begging me to beg her to stay.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I dug my wallet from my back pocket and pulled out all the cash I had.

Six neatly pressed hundred dollar bills.

She was just standing there, dazed, lines of confusion darting all over her forehead. I urged them into her hand and closed her fingers around them.

Hopefully that’d be enough to at least get her home. To get her away from this place. Away from me. Where I couldn’t hurt her like that bastard Cameron had done.

And I wondered just how different we were, me and him, destroying something so utterly good.

Finally, she looked up at me. Her eyes narrowed. A flash of Red. “What the fuck is this?”

I swallowed hard. “Money…to get you home.”

Her face twisted. Offended. Words bitter and incredulous. “What? You think I’m your whore now? You think I want your money?” She balled it up, fisted it in front of her, before she threw it in my face. “You can go to hell, Lyrik West.”

Not a problem.

I was already there.

She rushed for the double doors, yanked the right side open. It crashed against the interior wall.

She was halfway out it when she flew back around, like she’d changed her mind. “Do you know what?”

As she stared across at me with her chin lifted high, those bits of Red that’d tried to make a resurgence were gone.

And it was just my girl.

Blue.

Brave, beautiful Blue.

She pointed at the ground beside her, like she was staking a claim. “No.”

No.

My chest tightened.

In all the times I’d begged her to tell me no, this was when she was going to use it on me? When I couldn’t do anything about it? When I couldn’t respect her in the way I knew I should?

Hate me, Blue.

“You don’t get to do this,” she said, taking a step forward as I took one back. “I’ve spent years hiding and I know what hiding looks like.”

She touched her chest. “And I know you. What you said upstairs…”

I fisted my hands at my sides. Trying not to lose my cool.

“I don’t know exactly what it means but I heard what you meant.”

I rubbed my hands down my face, and she just kept on talking, like she didn’t get she was completely tearing me apart.

“You asked me for two months. Two months, Lyrik. And in those two months you changed everything. You forced your way into my life, shook up everything I thought was right when the way I’d been living was so very wrong. You breathed the life I didn’t know was missing back into me. I thought we had a time stamp. An ending. And it turned out you were just the beginning.”

I squeezed my eyes closed, like maybe it could block her words from impaling.

Piercing.

Crucifying.

Except I was no saint.

Hope made its way into the sadness on her face. “I’m going home, Lyrik. Home to Arizona. To the place I’ve been running from for years. I’m going because you reminded me what it’s like to be brave. You showed me it’s okay to be scared and vulnerable. That sometimes that’s the best place to be. And no, I’m not healed. I have a lot of scars to work through…”

She swiped at the tears still streaking like shimmery rivers down her face and sucked in a steeling breath. “And yeah, it’s going to fucking terrify me to sit on that stand and testify against Cameron. But I’m going to do it because it’s the right thing to do. Because I can no longer run from who I am. Because you made me stop and look at her.”

She took a step back. With a shake of her head, she cast her attention to her feet, her grip firm as she held onto the handle of her suitcase.

Contemplating.

Finally, she looked back up at me.

So brave and bold. Vibrant colors. The darkest dark and the most blinding light.

“I love you, Lyrik West. And when I walk out that door, I promise you, it’s going to hurt.”

She stared me down. “But you are worth all the pain.”

Grabbing the door handle, she turned to leave.

I gnashed my teeth so damned hard I was sure they’d be ground to nothing but powder, fucking forcing myself not to respond. Not to give in when that was the only thing in the world I wanted.

Because all I wanted was her.

But I couldn’t have her.

Told her before, my heart wasn’t mine to give.

But fuck, if it didn’t feel like she was taking all of it with her tonight.

Pausing, she slanted one last glance over her shoulder. “And for the record, I think we were the best idea you ever had.”

Then she softly clicked the door shut behind her.

And I let her go.

Like Ash said.

Most of us just broke our own damn hearts.

I stood there staring at the blank space where she’d been.

Hating myself.

Hating my choices.

Wishing I could go back and erase it all.

Somehow make it right.

“So that’s it…you’re really gonna stand there like a straight-up pussy and let her walk out that door?”

My eyes shot to the right where Ash and Zee were standing.

Shit.

I’d all but forgotten they were standing there, bearing witness to the shit-storm that continued to dominate my life.

“Nothing’s changed, Ash. Told you that before.”

Zee stepped forward, disappointment in the shake of his head. “Fuck you, Lyrik. I’ll go make sure your girl is safe at one-fucking-o’clock in the morning.”

He stormed out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

I winced with the loud clash of wood. At the truth of his words. At my actions. But I had no fuckin’ idea how to make this right.

Ash scoffed low, voice even quieter. “You think everyone around here doesn’t know why you always take two, man? Why it’s too dangerous for you to have one girl, because you might just get close? Seems to me something has changed.”

He edged forward. There was something hostile about his approach. A ripple of anger and a rush of disgust.

Or maybe they were just reflections of my own.

Cocking his head to the side, he pinned me with a glare. “You really think Kenzie—”

He might as well have struck me in the face. Kicked me in the gut. My entire body reeled with the impact of her name.

My chest squeezed, heart slamming in its confines.

Ash caught it. His face pinched in slow disbelief, and he huffed out a breath. “You can’t even say her fucking name, can you? All this fucking time, and you can’t even say her name.”

“Stop,” I warned. Fighting. Fighting the anger. Just didn’t know who I was most angry with.

He kept right on, coming close, digging it in like a razor-sharp prod staked into my spirit. “You really think Kenzie is somewhere across town, jabbing needles in a black-haired Voodoo doll? Cursing your name? Hoping you’re rotting in hell?”

My laughter was brittle. Breaking like everything else inside me. “After what I did? You really think she’s not?”

He scoffed. “The only hell you’re in, man? It’s the one you created. You sentenced yourself, Lyrik, and that’s exactly where you’re gonna rot if you don’t wake the fuck up and look at what’s right in front of you. Look at what you’ve been given…”

He flung his arm out to the side. “Because you just let the best damned thing that’s ever happened to you walk out the front door.”

Fucking Ash and the way he saw shit.

I shook my head, voice cold like a slow chill. “You know I can’t keep her.”

He sobered. “When are you gonna stop blaming yourself?”

I swallowed around the lump sitting like a rock in my throat.

He took another step forward, a move that seemed both pleading and predatory. “What about me, man? You still blamin’ me? You think it doesn’t kill me to know I had a part in it? Kill me to remember I was the one who’d convinced you to go that night?”

Emphatic and hard, his words were strained where he spat them close to my face. “Kenzie was a nice girl. And yeah, you fucked up. You fucked up bad. We were all so messed up then, doing everything wrong, making mistake after mistake. And I know it cost you the most. But I’m so fucking done with this. So done with you thinking you don’t deserve to live. You lost, too, man. She wasn’t the only one who got hurt by that whole mess.”

I turned my head to the side, tone like grit. “I promised.”

He took a step back. “Yeah? Tell me what difference that promise has made? Who’s it benefited? Not her and sure as hell not you.”

“I promised. Not gonna go back on it now.”

Not ever.

He laughed, though there was nothing amused about it. “You and your fucked up sense of loyalty. You think I didn’t see that bastard Eric at the after show tonight? And you know what, Lyrik? I’m glad you turn your back. That you won’t let him fill it with all his bullshit. But you do it for the wrong damned reasons. You do it out of obligation. You might as well sign with them…because we don’t need that kind of loyalty. Only thing you’re really loyal to is your misery.”

I pushed him out of my way, swiping the back of my hand across my mouth like it could wipe away some of the bitterness, forcing down the hatred boiling out. Needing air, I headed for the huge sliding doors that led to the pool.

Yanking the sliding door open wide, I didn’t slow, not even when Ash’s voice pelted me from behind, “Tell me, Lyrik! What fucking good is that promise? Who’s it helping? You here with us because you care about us? About the band? Or are you doin’ it because you think you owe us?”

As soon as I was outside, I gripped my head while the sounds of the night shouted around me, the rustle of the cool breeze rolling with the remnants of a party happening below, the dull hum of bugs held fast to the trees. All of it hit me like an echo of the loneliness I felt crawling over me like a disease. That gaping hole just getting larger and larger.

In the distance, thunder rolled.

My chest felt so damned tight. So tight I was sure I couldn’t breathe.

I could almost see their faces, flickers of memories sent to test and taunt.

I could almost hear her name on my tongue.

But when I screamed, the name on my tongue was Blue.