What does it take to define a person?

How many moments?

How many choices?

How many mistakes?

Maybe it’s the first time you step out on your own when you realize you’re getting there. No longer in need of that comforting guidance of your parents.

Maybe it’s the day you’re struck with what you want to be. When that spec of ambition blossoms within you and you know you’ll do whatever it takes to achieve what you want most.

Maybe it’s the first time you fall in love.

Maybe it’s the last.

Maybe it’s the sum of them.

What I did know was walking out on Kenzie and Brendon had become my definition.

Didn’t know if my doing so was the result of years of bad choices or one fatal mistake.

Because losing them? It’d felt like a death penalty.

My soul cursed to a living hell.

I’d left that hospital bitter and hard. Sentenced to a life of regret and self-hatred. It didn’t take all that long for it to shape me. Reshape me. Shallow and selfish and lashing out. Only good things I had were my family, the guys, and my loyalty to the band.

My songs my single true joy.

Along the way, I’d allowed myself two vices. An endless string of women and bottomless bottles of booze. Of course, both those things only served to leave me a little more hollowed out than before.

That hollow space? That’s where I shored up all that hate and hostility. Where I festered with memories of what I had done.

Figured that definition would be forever unchanged.

That was until Tamar had come on like a hurricane. A rising storm gathering in the distance. Stronger than anticipated. Fierce and savage in the most beautiful way.

Blowing over me with the force of a gale wind.

Reshaping and rewriting and redefining.

Eclipsing all that dark with so many hues—reds and blues—and that brilliant, blinding white.

Until I no longer recognized who I was. Because somewhere along the way, without my permission, I had become hers.

A gentle breeze rustled through the trees, just shy of being cool. Brimming with an innuendo of the approaching winter and dimming the heat of the warm California sky.

I’d lost them then.

Just at the cusp of winter.

That’s when all things had gone cold.

Five years later, it was when I lost Blue, too.

I scrubbed a weary hand down my face.

Fuck.

I no longer knew how to live through the loss.

So here I waited like some kind of twisted stalker.

Waiting.

Watching.

Wondering if this was the right or wrong thing to do.

But I’d done so many damned wrongs in my life, I needed to make something right.

And I’d be willing to lay down bets this moment would be defining, too.

Chills spread like a crippling freeze when I saw the silver Toyota Highlander approaching then slow.

Innocuous.

Yet something about it felt absolute.

It pulled into the drive directly across from where I sat in the small neighborhood park. Red brake lights flashed as the SUV eased into the garage before the engine shut off.

My pulse spiked and sped.

God. What was I doing? But I couldn’t stop what I’d already set into motion. What my heart had already proclaimed. So I stood, drawn across the road when the driver’s side door opened and Kenzie climbed out.

Knew it’d only be her.

Just like it’d been the last three days when I’d sat in this same spot studying her routine. Because as damned much as I needed to see my son, knew I had to get her approval first. Knew I couldn’t come forcing my way back into his life if there was no chance I fit in it. And sure as hell not if it hurt Kenzie any more than I already had.

Completely unaware, she leaned back in through the car door and gathered her things, slung a laptop case over her shoulder, did the same with her purse, the girl all dressed up in work clothes and heels.

A lump knotted at the base of my throat. Heavy. Just as heavy as the boulder that sat in my stomach.

She stepped back and slammed the door. Took a single step toward the interior garage door leading into the house.

“Kenzie.” It was ragged.

Broken.

Bristling with blame.

With her back to me, she froze, her shoulders stuttering up and down. Like she was trying to find the breath I’d knocked from her. Trying to find the ground I’d yanked from beneath her feet.

Kinda sucked when just your presence held the power to cause that effect.

Slowly she turned, the straps of her bags sliding down her arm. They dropped with a thud to the floor.

Face ashen.

Eyes wide.

Soul shocked.

“Kenzie,” I chanced again, taking a step forward, hoping it was soft enough she’d get I wasn’t there to cause her more pain.

Even though I wasn’t fool enough to think this encounter wasn’t going to hurt.

She took one step back, blinked like she were trying to focus, before she started shaking her head. “No.”

“Kenzie…please…not here to cause you trouble.”

A sob tore from her and she fisted her hand at her mouth. Like she was trying to hold it in. Her eyes pinched so deeply at the corners I got the feeling she was doing her best to shut me out but didn’t trust me enough to look away.

Couldn’t blame her.

That was all on me.

“Then what are you doing here?” she finally demanded, voice a rasp of accusation and tears.

I cleared my throat. “I’m here because five years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life. Five years ago I signed away my son.”

Desperation had me taking another step forward. “And I know I don’t have the right to be here, Kenzie. That all those mistakes I made cost me that right. But I need to know he’s okay. Need to know that you’re both okay.”

Nerves pricked my flesh. I raked a hand through my hair, doing my best to contain it. To, for once, stand up and really be a man. I met the fear in her gaze. “I need to see him, Kenz. If you’ll let me, I need to see my son.”

The last was a breath, and with the claim she flinched like I’d struck her.

“Why now?” she asked, mouth trembling. “Why now, after all this time?”

Glancing to the ground off to the side, I rubbed a hand over my face to clear the tension that stretched taut between us.

Anger.

Hostility.

And old, old pain I wasn’t sure would ever go away.

“Because someone showed me recently what it’s like to be brave.”

Brave.

Brown eyes moved over me. Like maybe she was just then realizing how different I looked since the last time she saw me, the ink now covering almost every exposed inch of skin.

The torment I’d written there.

Hers.

Mine.

She winced when she locked on Brendon’s name that was woven through his song.

She finally tore her attention up to my eyes that probably told more than the ink ever could.

Because I was sorry.

So fucking sorry.

But I didn’t know if that made a damned difference in the grand scheme of things.

If it was worth the upheaval of their lives. Because no question, the house behind her was a home. A place she lived with our son and the guy she’d married two years ago, something I’d discovered when I got on-line to track her down.

They were a family and I wasn’t sure how I was ever gonna fit because I sure as hell wasn’t there to break it up.

Wasn’t lying when I told her I didn’t come to bring her trouble. But that rarely mattered much since trouble seemed to be tacked to my name.

She chewed at her bottom lip, the way she always used to do when she didn’t know what to do with herself. “I always knew you would come.”

Uneasily, I shifted on my feet and shoved my hands a little deeper in my pockets. “Yeah? Because I never thought I would.”

I watched the heavy bob of her throat. “Because you didn’t want to?”

I gave her a jerk of my head. “No, Kenzie. Because it was the only thing in the world I wanted to do.”

She nodded like she got it, looked me square. “Okay.”

Okay.

I puffed out the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.

Okay.

She lifted her chin toward the neighborhood park where I’d been waiting. “I’ll bring him out…wait for us at the park.”

She turned around, then paused. Wavered. Warily, she looked at me from over her shoulder. “Lyrik…he doesn’t…”

She trailed off like she couldn’t bring herself to say it aloud.

Not needing clarification, my head rocked with acceptance.

Of course he didn’t.

Didn’t expect him to know who I was.

I lifted my shoulders in a hapless shrug. “Introduce me however you need to, Kenz. Whatever makes sense. I don’t care. I just want to see him.”

A mournful smile lifted just the corner of her mouth, and she swiped at the moisture clouding her eyes. “I’ll be out in a minute. Brad needs to know.”

Something like jealousy grabbed me.

Yeah.

I’d seen Brad returning with Brendon every day, too, even though I’d never gotten a real look at my son. Just the vague awareness he was in the backseat of the truck that pulled into the garage an hour earlier than Kenzie got home.

I wandered back to the park, took a seat on the bench with my elbows propped on my knees. Same way as I’d done the last three days. Though this time…this time my insides shook and my heart thundered. Throbbed with regret same as it raced with hope.

With the hope of something different.

The hope of something good.

That something good came when the door opened about ten minutes later. Over the cars in the garage, I could only see the top of Kenzie’s head and the guy emerging behind her. They edged down the space between the car and the garage wall before they stepped into the waning light as the day got sucked away.

Same as the air in my lungs.

My breath and my heart and my spirit caught.

Everything timeless yet speeding ahead.

A small hand was clutched tight in Kenzie’s.

Brendon.

My entire being pulsed.

Emotion after emotion.

Pain.

Loss.

Regret.

Love. Love. Love.

They stood frozen across the space, because maybe time needed to catch up to them too. His free arm was tucked full of toys, the kid wearing a button-up collared shirt and jeans cuffed at the ankles, looking like a little badass with the checkered Vans on his feet.

I felt the grin pulling all over my face while my spirit flailed in every direction.

The breeze whipped through his hair.

Black.

Just like mine.

I stood.

Drawn.

Emotion gathered thick as Kenzie began to lead him across the street. Her husband hung back with his arms crossed over his chest. Stare wary and hard and full of warning.

Didn’t blame him a bit.

If I were him, I’d want to kick my ass too.

Didn’t matter anyway. Because this kid…this kid was all I could see. The way his mouth twisted up in welcome, eyes so dark they were almost black, sparking with mischief I knew all too well. It was like looking at all those pictures my mom kept plastered on her walls.

This boy was mine.

They stopped just a couple feet away from where I stood under a shade tree near the bench. He kept peering up at me with this unending smile that twisted through me like chains and ropes and indestructible ties.

An unbreakable bond.

Curiosity played in his dark, dark eyes, and his mom dropped to her knees in front of him, something shaky and frantic about her as she brushed the too-long bangs from his forehead. “Baby, I want you to meet someone really important, okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed, grinning toward me.

“This is Lyrik.” She said it like a secret, and I was dropping to my knees, too, completely laid bare when he turned the full force of his attention on me.

His grin showcased a straight row of baby teeth. One missing on the bottom.

And I wanted to weep when I looked at him.

When I looked at all the years gone, and the wonder in his gaze and at what came spilling out of his arms when he suddenly dumped his stash of toys to the ground. He rummaged through his pile, snatching it upside down by a leg.

That fucking bear that was supposed to be good luck.

Binding a family together.

The thing was a complete disaster and probably should have been tossed years ago, tattered and torn and frayed.

He held it up like a prize. “You made this!”

For a second, every part of me seized.

My eyes pinched at the sides, dents cutting into my forehead as I fought against the unbearable pain. I shifted my gaze to Kenzie for help because I didn’t quite know how to make sense of this.

Tears just kept sliding down her face. She remained silent. Like she trusted me to handle this right. For me to get the situation was fragile and I could either foster it or shatter it into a million unrecognizable pieces.

“Yeah, buddy, I did.”

He turned back to his pile and dug out a blue car. “Hey, do you like cars? This one’s my favorite.”

A low chuckle rumbled in my chest. “I like them a lot.”

His grin grew. “Me, too. My dad says this kind goes so fast.”

Did my damned best not to flinch, but I couldn’t help it, that slam of jealousy I knew I’d feel. But I’d accepted that was probably something I was gonna feel when I’d made another choice. When I’d switched paths and headed a different direction.

When I came here.

I forced some lightness into the gravel grinding up the words. “Your dad’s totally right. It is super-fast. Any faster and it’d be a race car.”

His eyes went wide. “Whoa, that’s way fast. Do you know what green means?”

A little bewildered, I lifted my shoulders. “Go?”

“Yep!”

He made a revving noise and pushed the car along the ground, totally unaware he was completely crumbling my world.

“Go!” he shouted, then asked, “How about yellow?”

“Um…slow down?”

He glanced at me with a smile. “Right again, ’cuz that’s what my teacher tells me when I have to flip my card from green to yellow. Slow down,” he acted out with a grin, those eyes glinting with mischief again. “Because when you get on red? That means stop and you don’t get to play at recess. No way is that gonna happen!”

Kenzie choked out a laugh below her breath.

Yeah.

I was right.

He was a total badass.

So fucking cute.

I was betting he was a little handful and unruly and a whole lot perfect.

He started driving that car up my arm and over his song. A song I’d never sang for anyone. It was one reserved for the loneliest hours of the night. One I’d played what felt like a thousand times. One I played like some kind of fucked-up tribute. When I’d pray more of those prayers I didn’t have the right to pray.

Begging for his joy.

“Hey, that’s my name,” he suddenly said, running the wheels back and forth over his name forever etched on my arm.

Affection gripped my throat.

“Yeah, it is, little man, it is.”

He grinned again, and it took about all I had not to scoop him up and steal him away.

Instead I sat there while he talked, showing me all his favorite toys that he obviously took with him everywhere, his chatter nonstop, animated, and unbridled. He talked to me like he’d known me forever.

Like I was his best friend.

My gaze drifted to Kenzie who had taken a seat on the small bench, elbows on her knees as she watched us. Her expression was soft and sad and knowing.

Silently I told her what an amazing job she’d done with this kid. Just like I’d known she would.

And I couldn’t stop myself from wondering what it would have been like if I’d been there, if I’d gotten to witness it all, if I’d somehow been a partner to it.

The hardships and joys and accomplishments.

The little things.

Everything I’d given away for one night of revelry.

I watched as Brendon got lost in his own play, pushing his car through the blades of grass, then plopped it in his pocket as he stood and raced for the slide.

Silence swirled around me and Kenzie as she gave me time. But honestly, no amount of time was ever gonna be enough.

“Thank you,” I finally said. Because I’d had no clue how her reception was going to be. Not when she didn’t owe me anything at all. Especially when I’d given her no warning at all of my intrusion into her life. Wrapping my arms around my knees, I rocked, working my way through the discomfort, gauging what to say.

“So…he does know…about me?”

A slow breath leaked from between her pursed lips. “I was being honest when I said I knew one day you’d come. And yes, it was definitely a shock turning around and finding you there, but once the shock wore off, I can’t say I was really surprised.”

She tipped her head toward her husband who still stood guard across the street. I wondered just how damned difficult this had to be for him, because it sure as shit was hell for me.

“We’ve been preparing him for this day, Lyrik. For the day when you’d come back into our lives. And even if you never did, we still knew one day he’d figure out Brad isn’t his biological father. We weren’t going to lie to him about that.”

I rubbed the tension from the back of my neck, trying to brace myself for the impression Brendon might have already made about me. “What does he know, Kenz?”

She looked down at me through bleary eyes. “Lyrik…he knows that he has your eyes and your hair and that you made him that bear.” She choked over the admission. “He knows you put him in my tummy. He just hasn’t figured out what that means yet.”

Everything throbbed and ached.

And I wasn’t sure I could breathe.

Not through the remorse and sorrow and gratitude.

A wistful smile tugged at her mouth as she looked at Brendon. “Even after I fell out of love with you, that didn’t mean I didn’t still love you, Lyrik. That I didn’t have faith in you. That after all the horrible mistakes you made, that one day you wouldn’t make the right one. So I told him stories about you…the good ones…about the guy I knew before I didn’t know you at all.”

That smile tipped down, and more tears fell down her face. “But I guess I did know you, after all, didn’t I?”

Unsure, I turned my full attention on her.

“I know you didn’t cash that check. My dad finally admitted it to me…the night before I married Brad. He wanted to be sure I was sure. That I was marrying for my heart rather than marrying because I thought some guy would be good for me and my son.”

Her voice lowered to a whisper. “He wanted to give me the chance to go back to you.”

“And you chose him,” I supplied through a nod with a subtle gesture in Brad’s direction.

For two weeks I’d wondered how I’d feel when I got here. About Kenzie. About this girl I’d thought would forever hold my heart.

Guess that was my answer.

The fact her choosing the other guy when she knew I’d been lying when I left her and Brendon didn’t hurt. Instead it filled me with this strange sense of comfort.

A simple joy found in the fact she was happy.

That’s all I wanted for her.

I guess just like her, even though there would always be a part of me that loved her…cared for her…I wasn’t in love with her anymore.

Guess that’s what my stupid heart had been telling me for the last two months. Why those words had come spilling free.

Blue.

You sing my soul.

A warm ache filled my chest.

No longer was there a question of who owned me anymore.

That girl.

My brave, beautiful Blue.

Self-conscious laughter trickled from her, and she blushed. “I think what we had was real, Lyrik. But I think it was just preparing me for what I was going to feel when I met the man I was supposed to live my life with.”

Tenderly, she looked at the man across the street.

I chuckled. “Why does that sound like something my mother would say?”

She laughed. “Because your mom is amazing.”

And God, it was weird. Sitting comfortably with Kenzie this way.

She sobered, eyes roaming my face. “Are you happy, Lyrik?”

Exhaling, I pushed back the hair blowing in my face. “No, Kenz. I’m not happy. I haven’t let myself be since the night I walked out on you and Brendon.”

The words locked somewhere deep, before they came rushing out in a quiet confession. “But I’m…almost there.”

Yeah.

That was weird, too.

Realizing that.

“I watched you,” she admitted, “watched you as Sunder made it. I saw the tabloids…the success and the parties and the women. You should have been happier than anyone. But I knew, Lyrik. I knew. I saw it on your face.”

She met her husband’s gaze. “I want you to know it’s okay. It’s okay to let it go. The guilt I saw in every picture.” She looked at me. Expression wistful. “I let you go a long time ago.”

My world spun on fast forward. In slow motion. Everything becoming clear.

So fucking clear.

You sing my soul.

“You’d better go,” she finally said with a tender smile. “Brad’s the best guy you’ll ever meet, but even he has his limits.”

Nodding through the daze, I stood and brushed off the grass and leaves from my pants.

Brendon came hurtling back over. His arms were lifted over his head and there was nothing I could do but swoop him up.

I squeezed him and breathed him in like I’d done that night, and he giggled as he edged back and pulled at a strand of my hair, like he was remembering what his mom had told him, this strange connection filling up our air.

Energy and light and life.

This tugging pull. Tying me to him. Leading me to her.

“I’ll miss you, little man,” I murmured in his ear.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said as if he held a clue. As if he were telling me not to worry. That maybe that gaping distance between us had just become narrow.

Close enough to cross.

“Yeah…I sure hope so.”

Carefully, I set him down, shoved my hands in my pockets. Brendon went running to his dad who was already crossing the street, going straight for Brendon with love and protection in his eyes.

Whole and absolute.

Slowly, I began to back away, taking in the last couple seconds of my son I could get.

Kenzie’s and my eyes met. “He’s going to ask questions after you’re gone. And I’m going to tell him, Lyrik. I really hope you do the right thing with it.”

The words were subdued and filled with the promise as I continued to walk backward. “Whenever he’s ready to find me, whenever he knows what all that means, please don’t stop him. I’ll be waiting.”

She nodded, and I gave her the gentlest of smiles. I spun around and started climbing the small hill.

“Hey, Lyrik,” Kenzie called. She was grinning wide when I slanted my attention to her over my shoulder. “Whoever she is…she’s a lucky girl.”

I returned her grin, shaking my head.

I increased my pace, breaking out in a sprint as I ran for my truck.

Because Blue wasn’t the lucky one.

But if I managed to win her back? I’d be one lucky guy.