Pregnant.
I gasped and checked it again as tears pricked my eyes. My hands began to shake, and my ever-present nausea churned quicker in my stomach like the final spin of a washing cycle – almost as if it could unleash itself now the truth was out.
‘Oh my God!’ Megan paused before diving at me, wrapping me in a hug and squeezing me tightly. She obviously knew my emotions were darting around like fireflies.
‘Bloody hell. How do you feel about it?’ Sam asked.
Through sobs, I could just about answer. ‘I’m . . . ecstatic, it’s all I’ve ever wanted but . . . I’m devastated too. I’m happy and sad at the exact same time – should the planets not collide or something on such an occasion?’ I tried to make a joke through the tears, but nobody laughed in the thick of my tangible turmoil.
‘It could be just what you and James need to get yourselves back on track,’ Megan said eventually. Hopefully.
‘Yes.’ I nodded for effect. ‘I shouldn’t be worried. This is what we’ve always wanted. It’s what we’ve needed the entire time. A family.’ I forced a smile. ‘I suppose I’d better go and break the good news to the daddy-to-be.’
***
When I pulled into the driveway, James’s Porsche was already sitting there, all shiny and polished like new. I wondered if a shine and polish of our relationship would be enough to make that like new too, or at least restored enough to turn into a family. I’d never been without answers before, without control or a plan, and there I was, rudderless in the wind, sailing towards unfamiliarity, and it was scary. I checked the time. It was almost six. So James managed to get home from work on time when he wasn’t banging the barrister. The thought made my throat feel thick.
The house was quiet when I went inside, and I looked from room to room until I found James sat in the study working on his computer. I felt a little guilty; of course he worked most of the time. I was ashamed of the thoughts that ran through my head lately: the insecure, accusing, untrusting thoughts that just weren’t me. He said it was a mistake and I had to try and believe him now more than ever.
I perched on the arm of the grey two-seater sofa that sat under the window of the study and watched him as he turned to greet me.
‘Hi,’ he said, lacking his usual air of confidence.
‘We need to talk.’ I wanted to get straight to the point. Under different circumstances I’d have planned some elaborate reveal, like placing clues around the house, if he hadn’t been there when I took the test. It seemed pointless. I just wanted him to know.
‘Okay.’ He drew the word out, and I was thankful he didn’t ask me to come back later as he normally would when he was working.
My chest was light and I could feel the quickened beat of my heart. ‘I’m pregnant.’ After the words spilled out, I paused, awaiting his reaction.
His body stiffened slightly before relaxing again and a slow, warm smile broke on his face. ‘Charlotte,’ he said, his smile turning into a beam. ‘That’s wonderful news.’
Strangely, seeing him so happy did nothing for me other than make me want to wipe the smile off his face. I should have been thrilled he was so happy but the moment was tarnished by the memory of what he’d done. I had to make a go of us now more than ever – it would just take time.
Before I knew what was happening, he’d pulled me into a hug and the side of my face became oddly moist. Then I realised he was crying. ‘We will make this work,’ he whispered. ‘I’ll do whatever I have to do to make this right again.’ His words should have thawed my heart, but they didn’t. The ice in my chest was thick and heavy. He was going to need a bigger pickaxe to break through.
James slept in our bed that night. It was the first time since it had happened, and it was odd, like a stranger was lying next to me. There were moments where I thought I could move past his affair, like I could lock it up in a box and toss it out to sea, but the image of them together always escaped and crawled back to me.
As I lay there, watching the rise and fall of his chest I tried to force myself to feel love again and I did feel the swell of love in my chest but I couldn’t attach it to James, it was for the baby inside me.
The next morning, I was awoken by severe discomfiture and went downstairs, leaving James asleep. Needing something to take my mind off him, I logged into the Me & You website. There was a red prompt, reminding me to check my Me & You inbox. With everything that had happened, I’d completely forgotten to reply to his last message – the one where he’d opened up to me – to Megan – and I felt terrible. Megan was right when she’d said I treated people like puppets. I was a puppeteer with too many puppets.
I clicked open.
Hi Megan,
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lay it on heavy so soon. I just thought I should explain myself a little. I didn’t want sympathy or anything like that – I just wanted you to know I’m not single because I’m an oddball with a dark side or anything like that. Anyway, I won’t contact you again unless I hear from you first because I don’t want to come across stalkerish.
It’s over to you.
Andrew x
My chest panged. I was making a pig’s ear of everything, and my victims were amassing at an alarming rate. I had to put it right.
Andrew,
I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. Believe me when I say that your awful news wasn’t the reason I didn’t reply. My life has been somewhat chaotic recently and I’ve had some personal matters to deal with. I just didn’t get a chance to log in.
The truth is, I’m not Megan. I’m Megan’s friend, Charlotte, and I set up this dating page for her after her fiancé cheated on her. I wanted her to find someone who cared.
No, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t come clean.
The lies I’d carved were too deep for everything to be okay. Instead, I’d make a new plan.
I’d come clean to Megan and hope that she’d forgive me, like the look of Andrew, arrange a date, and keep my secret. Admittedly, it was a tall order but the barrel of choice wasn’t exactly brimming. I placed my fingers back on the keyboard, deleted the last three lines and started typing again.
It must be so hard for you. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been going through. My fiancé had an affair (hence my single status) and that was painful enough but he’s still here at least.
I’m here if you need to talk.
I love visiting Italy too, and France. Lake Garda is one of my favourite places to stay in Italy, but I do love Venice and Rome. The French Riviera, Normandy, Brittany and, (of course), Paris are my French favourites.
Do you have any children?
Megan x
I wasn’t sure why I asked that. I think given my own predicament I was particularly interested.
The reply was almost instant, which made me feel worse.
I’m glad you haven’t been put off. Thanks for the offer of talking, but I’ve done plenty of that over the years. My mother insisted on counselling, and mine and Beth’s friends wouldn’t leave me alone until I convinced them I was okay. Beth was my wife, by the way. Like I said, I’m okay now – time is a great healer and now I’m grateful for my many happy memories.
Those are some great places. We did a Year 6 trip to Paris one year but I doubt Disneyland was what you had in mind.
We never had children of our own but worrying about the progress of my class full of seven- and eight-year-olds often keeps me awake at night if that counts. How about you?
Andrew x
I started to type straight away, smiling at the thought of that robust man I’d seen at the gym being given the run-around by a class full of children.
Not yet. I’m pregnant, though.
I caught myself and hit delete straight away, sitting back in the chair to take a breath. For a brief moment, I’d forgotten my reasons for talking to Andrew and felt compelled to share my news with him. I put it down to a bad week and a sprinkling of extra hormones.
I don’t have any children but I hope to have one day. I’ve not met a primary school teacher before – not since I was eleven at least.
I knew the part about wanting children was true as Megan had said several times in the past that she wanted two.
I’m glad you’re focusing on the happy times.
FYI, I’m not averse to Disneyland – there’s a big kid in all of us!
I was terrible at advice. I could fix a problem for someone, but I couldn’t talk them into feeling better. I needed to talk to Megan and hand Andrew over before things got any weirder. I hit send and just as I was closing my laptop lid, it pinged again. I knew I should slow things down – Megan wasn’t near ready yet – but unable to resist peeking, I opened my laptop back up to the Me & You inbox.
Would it be okay to have your number? Normally I discourage my students from handing their numbers to strangers, especially ones they’ve met online, but now we’ve spoken a little, I feel one hundred per cent certain that you’re not an axe-wielding maniac. x
My stomach flipped and I found myself smiling at the screen before panic set in. How could he speak to Megan? The right thing to do would have been to say I wanted to take things slowly or come clean but instead I typed:
Of course x
What the hell was I doing?