The decree nisi would be on the twenty-eighth of August. There had been no disputes filed, which gave me a sense of relief – it was the second decent thing James had done in a while, and to be honest, I’d half expected Frances to forbid him from divorcing me and for it all to get quite messy. I sipped my decaf coffee and read over the documents again, just to check I’d read them right the previous evening. It was really happening, and like so many other women in our circle, I was getting a divorce.
Sadness should have engulfed me, but it didn’t. James wasn’t the man I thought he was, and that had shocked me. I didn’t even wonder how he could hurt me like that or why he would do it because the man I’d thought he was wouldn’t. It was as simple as that: my version of James was made up, and I didn’t have time to think about the how and why. I had my baby to focus on – someone so precious that actually deserved my love.
I heard the door slam. ‘Only me,’ Megan shouted from the hallway. ‘I have a few hours before my next appointment so thought I’d see how you were doing.’ She gestured to the paperwork before me as she entered the room.
‘I’m okay.’ My reply was genuine, and Megan nodded like she believed me.
‘Good! Well if you fancy a giggle, you should check out my new car,’ she said.
I followed her to the front door. Sitting proudly on the driveway was Mike’s unicorn-emblazoned Merc. ‘It’s yours?’ I said, confused.
‘He’s taken my Mini since his mates had ribbed him so much about it he thought even if it was resprayed it would forever be known as Mike’s unicorn car. Better start making the repayments again before they come and tow it.’ She winked. ‘I thought about having it resprayed myself but then again, I actually quite like it! Maybe I’ll even get my business name and number put on and Mike’s name covered up since it attracts so many double-takes.’
I smiled at her glass-half-full approach. ‘Well, I think that’s a great idea.’
***
The next day, I received a text from Andrew.
Sorry for the delay in texting – parents’ evening was manic and I’ve started my end-of-year reports. Anyway, I won’t bore you with the details but wanted to say a huge thanks for coming in on Monday. I’ve got a much more sympathetic class who have suddenly developed an overwhelming sense of compassion – so thank you. Skye hasn’t stopped asking when you’ll be in again – the class loved you! Andrew x
The tension in my cheeks became noticeable, and I relaxed my grin to relieve the ache. He’s put a kiss on the end. My only wish was that I had an excuse to go back, but I didn’t.
Any time! I really enjoyed it and I’m really glad the kids liked me. Perhaps I won’t be awful at this single-mummy lark after all. X
My phone beeped a second later.
Awful? Definitely not! You’ll be great. x
I had no excuse to text back and felt slightly deflated about that fact. I couldn’t read Andrew since we became ‘friends’. At least on the dating site his intentions were clear, and flirting was expected. My mind niggled with the fact there could have been something between us if we’d met under different circumstances. As much as his friendship was all I needed, I couldn’t deny the attraction I had to him.
I analysed his last message again. Was he being kind, really meaningful, or was it a brush-off? You really couldn’t tell. Text communication is rubbish at times.
The days turned to weeks, and there was no word from Andrew. On several occasions, my controlling nature had reared its head and I’d picked up my phone to text him, but put it down again. I had to figure out the boundaries. The calendar entry for that particular day already had something huge on it, anyway. It was the day of my twenty-week scan. Kate had offered to come with me since Megan and Sam were off for a spa weekend. After sunning themselves in the Maldives, they’d returned inseparable. I’d refused Kate’s offer. It felt like something I should do alone. It was a special, private moment between me and my baby.
As I sat with a full bladder outside the sonographer’s office, I stared at the orange-and-grey-checked flooring, going back and forth over whether or not I should find out the baby’s sex. It didn’t matter, really. I just wanted a healthy baby, but I needed to get the nursery ready and buy all the clothes and accessories before the baby arrived, as I knew there would be no time after.
A pair of black polished shoes appeared on the orange vinyl square before my own. I glanced up to see who was invading my personal space, and the shock of the face before me was almost too much for my near-bursting bladder.
‘James?’ I swallowed back my surprise.
He pursed his lips and sat on the seat next to me. ‘I thought I should be here.’
‘I suppose now you don’t work, your secondary priorities can take a lead and I doubt you’re quite the office catch now that you’re on the yellow brick road to bankruptcy.’
‘Charlotte, there’s no need for this. I’m here, and I came to see my baby. Isn’t that what you wanted?’ He sat back in the chair, obviously not going anywhere.
‘I wanted you to realise what’s important in life. How did you even know about the scan anyway?’
‘You’re appointment was written on the back of the twelve-week scan card.’
‘Well, it’s a start.’ I folded my arms and we sat like that in silence until the sonographer’s voice cut through the thick atmosphere.
‘Ms Emsworth?’
When we both stood up she looked a little surprised, but she motioned us into the small, dark room anyway. There was a chair next to the bed that James sat on while I lay down, wriggling down the elasticated waist of my jeans to expose my rounded bump. James’s eyes bulged a little in surprise, and I realised he’d never seen me without an ironing-board stomach before. It was odd to feel like a stranger to him, but I settled into the feeling.
‘Now before we start, would you like to know the sex of the baby?’ the sonographer asked.
‘Yes,’ I said, at the same as James said, ‘No!’
We looked at each other. ‘I’m finding out!’ I said.
‘You can’t – it’s not the way my family does things,’ he said like it mattered.
I let out a dry, humourless snigger. ‘I am not your family any more!’ I turned to the sonographer, who looked a little spooked. ‘Yes please.’
‘But, Charlotte—’
‘Get out of the room if you don’t want to know,’ I said through gritted teeth.
He stayed rooted to the chair and nodded as the lady squirted cold gel all over my tummy. It wasn’t long before we could make out the shape of a mini human – when it stayed still, that was. Two arms, two legs and a strong heartbeat – it was perfect. My hand became warm, and I realised James had taken it. I snatched it back before I had time to consider how nice it felt.
‘Okay, so I know the gender. Would you like to know?’ she said. I nodded, and James stayed quiet.
‘It’s a girl.’ As soon as she said it, my eyes teared up and my heart swelled with love. I couldn’t look at James. I didn’t want to see his reaction; his respect for women wasn’t good enough for us yet. I wiped my tummy and thanked the sonographer before we both left the office and took a seat in silence whilst we waited for our photographs.
‘My mother would really like a say in the name,’ James said eventually.
‘I’m sure she would, but she’ll be lucky enough to have her surname on the birth certificate,’ I said, and he looked up with a shocked expression. ‘Relax, I’m winding you up. Despite everything you came today and you’re still her father.’
‘What will the divorce mean for me and the baby?’ he asked eventually.
‘Whatever you want it to mean. I’m happy for you to come round whenever you want, take her out, take her to see Granny Frances.’ I smirked at ‘Granny Frances’ – his mother would hate that term.
‘Will you have full custody?’
‘I don’t know how it works, but she’ll need to be with me unless you can breastfeed.’
James sighed and nodded. ‘I’m happy with what you’ve suggested. I’ve got to rebuild my life, and at the moment, I can’t support a baby financially, but I do want to be there for her.’
‘Good. You’re making progress.’ I sighed; maybe he was turning a corner.
He shuffled a little. ‘The house is on the market.’
I suppressed a gasp. I suppose I knew he’d to have to sell the house, but it was the only piece of my old life that was still intact, not that it mattered any more.
Before I could reply, a nurse approached us with the scan pictures. I thanked her and handed one to James before pausing. ‘Here’s another one. For your mother.’ It pained me, but I had ordered four copies as I thought I’d keep one to send to my parents if they ever got in touch and stayed in one place long enough.
‘Thank you,’ he said, taking it. ‘I appreciate it.’
‘And thank you for not disputing the divorce.’
His jaw tightened. ‘After everything, there was no disputing what I did. I got caught up and it escalated before I thought about my actions. It would have been granted anyway, and I saw no point in holding up the process. It wouldn’t be fair to you.’
‘I appreciate that,’ I said. ‘Goodbye, James.’
As he walked away, my resolve started to unravel. I dashed to my car and bundled myself in quickly before I fell to pieces completely. The scan photo was still in my hand. Glancing down at it, I could just about make out the tiny little form of my daughter. The sonographer had said she looked healthy. Two legs, two arms, two eyes, and a strong heart. A strong heart. She was going to need it in this world. Her own father was a heartbreaker for God’s sake.
The twenty-week scan made everything more real – finding out the gender made it all more real. I was going to have a baby girl and I had no idea what I was doing. I’d no experience with babies. Panic set in and emotions bubbled and boiled throughout my body before I heaved out some big ugly sobs. What if I wasn’t enough for her? She was supposed to have a life without worry, live in a big house, go to private school, and have nice holidays; she wasn’t supposed to grow up scrimping. Had I denied her that right? ‘Oh God, I’ve failed her,’ I said aloud. My phone rang so I wiped my face on my sleeve before answering.
‘Hello.’ I sniffed.
‘How did it go?’ Megan was chipper and excitable and it was only serving to make me feel worse.
‘She’s fine. Everything’s fine.’ I couldn’t force any cheer into my tone.
‘Well, that’s great isn’t it?’ She trailed off, picking up on my melancholy.
‘I just don’t know if I can raise a child, Megan.’ I started to cry again.
‘Oh, Charlotte, of course you can.’
‘What if I can’t breastfeed her or put a nappy on right? What if she’s upset and I can’t comfort her?’
‘Oh, Charlotte! It’s natural to panic. So what if you put a nappy on wrong? She’ll get a bit of wee on herself, or you, and you’ll clean it up and move on!’
I chuckled. I could cope with that.
‘And so what if you can’t breastfeed – bottle feed, it’s not a big deal! If anyone can do this, you can.’
‘Thank you, Megan.’ I sighed. ‘Do you think it was selfish of me to bankrupt us just to teach James a lesson? I’ve basically stripped my daughter of everything she should have had.’ I didn’t care if I was having a boy or a girl but knowing the gender humanised the little thing in my tummy and my motherly instinct had intensified within the hour.
‘No.’ It was a firm no. ‘You were right – material stuff doesn’t matter and realising that will make James a better person, and father hopefully. She’ll inherit your kindness, your generosity, and that’s more important than superficial stuff.’
‘I know that, but still, I don’t want to let her down.’
‘But nothing – you won’t let her down. She doesn’t need that stuff, she needs love! Look how long it took you to turn into a nice person.’ It was tongue-in-cheek but she was right. ‘You’ll always have us: your friends. We’ll be there every step of the way. Promise.’
I smiled through the facial sogginess. ‘Thank you. I’m going to need you guys.’
***
‘Mrs Emsworth – some good news for you. I have a completion date for your property,’ the cheerful legal secretary announced on the phone the following week.
My heart bounced with excitement. ‘When?’
‘Friday the twenty-fourth,’ she replied.
I almost squealed. ‘That’s next Friday!’ I had so much to do.
‘It is. Now, we’ll try and arrange it so you can pick the keys up at noon.’
I barely registered anything she said after that. I couldn’t believe my life was slowly coming back together after being ripped down the middle.
After an afternoon of packing up whatever belongings I had left that I wouldn’t need over the next week or so, I slumped into Megan’s squishy sofa and closed my eyes. Thoughts of Moses baskets and cribs filled my mind before everything turned black.
My phone buzzed, waking me from my dreamless sleep. I sat upright and grabbed my glowing phone off the table, almost falling off the sofa when I saw who had messaged me.
Thought I’d see how you are. I’ve been in Italy for a few weeks over the summer holidays. Thought I’d try out travelling again. A x
It had been a while since I’d last heard from him and I was worried our friendship had fizzled out. My fingers keyed frantically at the screen, my brain barely able to keep up.
That sounds wonderful. How was it? x
I stared at the screen eagerly, hoping for a reply.
Beautiful! I tried somewhere new, as I didn’t want to taint the memories Beth and I had made. This trip was about making new memories . . . I sound like a right morbid sod, don’t I?
I smiled.
Of course not. You lost your wife, you get a ‘morbid sod’ pass. X
My chest ached for him. I’d been so fortunate in life and taken it all for granted.
Phew! How about ‘sad old loner, travels Italy on his own?’ X
My chest panged again.
There’s no pass for that. x
I giggled and hoped he knew I was joking but sent another message straight after to make sure.
It’s okay. I’m only not alone because there’s a human inside me . . . Otherwise, I too would be in your sad old loner club.
His reply came instantly.
I don’t think that’s going to work for me ;)
I smiled, glad he’d picked up on my humorous tone.
It’s really quite a shame. There are so many perks, no one judges you for taking a nap in the afternoon, you can eat a second slice of cake without any “are you sure” glances and your hair gets all thick and glossy. X
I fidgeted anxiously while I waited for a reply.
It sounds like I’m really missing out – I’ve always wanted thick and glossy hair ;) How would you and your cake-eating self like to meet up for a coffee? I’d really love to bore you with my holiday snaps. xx
I smiled to myself as I keyed the reply:
I’m busy that day . . .
The reply came within seconds.
:o(
I laughed.
Oh go on then. x
***
The following Wednesday, we met in a coffee chain on the high street. The strong smell of Italian coffee hit me as I walked in, and I had to pause and take a deep breath to make sure it wouldn’t revive my mostly departed morning sickness. I was okay.
‘Andrew!’ I shouted across three tables when I spotted him and had to squeeze myself through some impossibly tight spaces in between the packed-in chairs to traverse the very cramped coffee shop.
‘I don’t even realise how big my tummy is any more – I still feel like a much slimmer person. I’m sure it changes each day,’ I puffed as I sat down.
‘Well, I’m honoured you fought your way through the chairs to see me.’
He gestured to several cups on the table. ‘I wasn’t sure what you’d want so I’ve got you a decaf coffee, a decaf tea, a berry tea and a water, just in case.’
‘Oh, I fancied a frappe . . .’ I pulled a face of mock disappointment, and he looked crestfallen. ‘Relax, I’m joking! Sorry! That’s so very thoughtful.’ And it was – James could just about remember I couldn’t drink alcohol while pregnant and that was only because he’d realised the benefit of having a designated driver. I took a sip of the berry tea and he relaxed visibly.
‘So, how about these holiday snaps then?’ I said.
He moved his chair around so he was sitting close to me and his arm brushed against mine. I could feel the heat radiating from his body and despite it, I got a chill. ‘I’m not really going to bore you, but there’s a few I’d like to show you because I think you’ll appreciate them.’
He pulled out his phone. ‘This is me on the Amalfi Coast – the colour of the water was something else.’ He was sat on a wall, high up on a cliff overlooking the stunning turquoise waters of the Mediterranean. ‘Embarrassingly, I had to ask an Italian teen to take this picture for me. It took me a while to get my phrases right and after about five minutes, he finally understood what I was saying, at which point, I felt like an utter idiot and wished I hadn’t bothered. Then I had to stand on the other side of the road so he could take it with the view in the background, and I was just praying he didn’t run off with my phone, so I hope you appreciate it!’
I giggled. ‘It sounds like a lot of effort, but you soldiered on! Perhaps buy a selfie stick next time?’
‘A selfie stick?’ He looked visibly pained. ‘Perhaps I’d better just brush up on my Italian. I’m a bit too cool for a selfie stick, don’t you think?’
I shook my head, smiling.
‘Ouch!’ He put a hand on his chest. ‘And I thought my class gave me a rough time!’ He smiled, and his eyes crinkled a little in the corners.
We talked a bit more about his trip and he asked about my pregnancy, looking genuinely interested as I told him about my more frequent loo breaks and odd cravings for salt and vinegar crisps at all hours. I felt so relaxed in his easy company, and I noticed that when he laughed, his eyes sparkled.
‘So, do you have any more plans to travel?’ I asked when there was a comfortable pause in the conversation.
He shrugged. ‘I’m not sure. I loved Italy, but travelling alone isn’t really my thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I did it because I have to push myself back into the life I had and loved. It would be nice to travel with someone again, though.’
‘What about any of your friends?’ I asked.
‘They’re all married with children. I’ve been invited along on some of their family holidays – out of politeness or pity, though, I’m sure.’
I gave a sympathetic smile. ‘I know where you’re coming from. It’s going to take me some getting used to. I won’t actually be alone, but travelling with just me and a baby will take some getting used to.’
An absurd idea flashed through my head, and for a moment I had to clench my jaw to stop it coming out of my mouth. Maybe he’d suggest it first if I just hung on. I wanted him to suggest it.
He didn’t.