Alone and pregnant was not where I’d imagined I’d find myself at thirty-six. I’d had it all apart from that one missing puzzle piece, and then suddenly I had the puzzle piece without the jigsaw and I wouldn’t have changed that for the world. James was gone and Andrew was gone but for some reason, losing Andrew was all I could focus on, and I wondered if that made me odd. The man I’d given nineteen years of my life to, eleven years of that as his wife, was gone, and all I could feel was the hole that Andrew had left. Was it because I’d hurt him? The knot in my stomach could have been guilt, I supposed.
I’d been at Megan’s for three days. James had been round, but she’d kept him at bay, and I’d ignored his persistent calls and messages.
I’d told Kate to go and see James. I wanted him to know he could still be a father to our child; I just couldn’t face him myself. She told me he looked grey when she’d turned up, like a shadow of his esteemed former self. He was relieved about the baby. What did he expect? I wasn’t a monster. I wouldn’t use the baby against him, for the baby’s sake. Kate told him she’d have castrated him if he had been her husband, and that he didn’t deserve my kindness. Apparently, he’d stood and nodded pathetically like a scolded boy.
‘Thanks, Kate.’ She gave me a sympathetic rub on the back. It was odd, but I wished for fiery Kate. I was so angry with James, furious that he’d thrown away our family. He’d always needed the house, the cars, the women . . . Why couldn’t he care about what really should have mattered? It was niggling at me, gnawing away, the little seed of thought that had started to sprout. Would he even care about the baby? It horrified me to think that way. I’d thought it was what we’d both wanted, but that seed was planted and it was growing.
‘We should change the subject,’ I said.
‘I have some news,’ Megan piped up. Our heads all turned to her, desperate for the distraction. Her eyes flitted about between us and she chewed her lip.
‘I’ve had a letter from Mike’s solicitor.’ She paused. ‘He wants the house.’
It hadn’t occurred to me that she was still living in the house they had bought together, and I felt awful for not asking about it sooner.
‘What, all of it?’ Kate said.
‘Yes, all of it. He said he’s put more money into than I have. He’s right in a way – my wage isn’t exactly much . . .’
‘But you must have contributed to the house – perhaps not the mortgage but bills, food, and so on but something surely?’ I asked, glad of the new topic.
She nodded. ‘Well, yes. It’s just going to get all messy now. I either have to back down or fight, and that will be expensive and I can’t afford to buy him out anyway. All so he can move her in.’
‘They’re still together?’ Kate asked.
‘Apparently so. He moved in with her, so I’ve heard through a friend. So after all the begging he did, he was shacked up with her all along. I’m past caring.’ She looked at Sam, who gave her a reassuring squeeze.
‘You can’t let him get away with this!’ Kate said.
Megan shrugged. ‘What am I supposed to do about it?’
‘I don’t know, but you can’t give up before we’ve even thought about it.’
‘James should pay too,’ I said suddenly. ‘Why should they get away with what they’ve done to us?’ That earned me three surprised expressions. ‘Well, I forgave him once, but I’m not a complete doormat.’
Kate disappeared out of the room. ‘Where do you keep your pens and paper?’ she shouted from somewhere else in the house. Megan disappeared after her.
‘How are you coping, Sam?’ I asked when we were alone.
He shrugged. ‘I was devastated, but being around Megan has helped. She’s so honest and dependable. I’m getting there.’ His expression darkened. ‘I think Samantha always treated me as inferior, and I let her because I was in awe of her. In a way I feel like a huge chunk of my life has been wasted.’
I gave him a small, sympathetic smile.
‘I hate what she did to you and James too,’ he said, taking me by surprise.
‘I’m sure he needed little persuasion, from what I saw in the emails, at least.’ The thought of them still made me sick. ‘I think we were both taken for fools.’
‘After everything he did, James had a second chance. He had the chance to build a happy family. I can’t believe he threw it away!’ Sam shook his head. ‘I can’t believe she turned up at his office naked, and you had to see it. She’s a completely different woman to the one I thought I knew.’ He was still shaking his head as Megan and Kate returned with pens and paper.
Sam was right, of course – James had had a second chance with his pregnant wife, and he should have been grovelling, not swivelling other people’s naked wives around on his office chair. I never knew he could stoop so low.
‘Okay, so Mike, Samantha, James . . . what does each of them value the most?’ Kate said, perching on the edge of the sofa, pen poised.
***
I excused myself from plotting to go and lie down on the bed in Megan’s guest room. The pretty pastel room had become a triage for scorned spouses. Sam had been assessed and treated before being transferred to his own apartment, but I wasn’t sure what they’d do with me. I supposed at some point I’d be discharged but they wouldn’t be able to cure me based on their incorrect diagnosis. It wasn’t a James deficiency I had . . . it was vitamin A. A for Andrew.
I considered sending him a text message but had a better idea at the last minute. Grabbing my laptop, I sat back down, logging straight into the Me & You website as it booted up. Setting up my own profile, would show the real me and be the perfect way to win back Andrew’s trust. I checked off the ‘interests’ as I’d done for Megan after uploading a picture of myself.
Interests:
✓ Keeping fit
✓ Socialising
✓ Cooking
✓ Walking
✓ Films
✓ Dining out
The next section asked about personal preferences. I ticked everything that applied to Andrew.
✓ Dark hair
✓ 6'0" or above
✓ Medium build
✓ Similar interests
Next, I had to fill in a paragraph about ‘myself’. That part was easy.
Utter idiot who despite her best intentions, managed to break a bond with someone she’d come to value a lot. Would appreciate the chance of forgiveness but at the very least, would settle for ‘detached person’ to know she’s very sorry.
Then I wrote him a message.
Andrew,
I know I’ve hurt you incredibly, and I wish I could take that back, I really do. The truth is, I’m a busybody, and I like to do what I think is best for people, even if my choices are sometimes poor, or in this case, devastating. I’m learning, I really am.
When writing those messages, I wasn’t pretending to be Megan, writing what I thought she would write, I just wrote as myself. You do know me as well as you thought you did.
I’ve been having a bit of a time of it recently too. My own husband had been having an office affair (how original, I know) and I also found out I was pregnant. So while it’s no excuse for being dishonest and continuing the pretence, coming clean was something I knew I needed to do, but I just couldn’t bring myself to at the time.
But that wasn’t fair to you.
I understand you probably won’t reply and really, why would you? I just hate to think I’ve hurt you and I wanted you to know – I think you’re a wonderful man and you’ll meet someone who can make you happy. Don’t let me put you off using this website. You’re the only decent man on here so you’ll have the pick of the bunch. I’m going to deactivate this account soon because it’s only you I’m interested in but I’ll leave it long enough that you get a chance to read this message.
A very cross with herself Charlotte
X
I stared at the picture I’d attached. I’d taken it there and then in Megan’s bedroom, and you could see the little bump of my tummy. It was as honest as I could be. Charlotte laid bare. At the very least, the bump would (hopefully) act as a letch-deterrent for the duration my account was active. I missed talking to him. I couldn’t imagine wanting anything more than that despite the fact he was gorgeous, funny, and caring. I knew I’d lost him but I had to put it right. Through the emptiness I felt with the whole James situation, guilt was prevalent too. The message wasn’t doing much to alleviate it; sending it was akin to taking half a paracetamol to soothe a migraine.
‘Charlotte!’ Megan’s voice bellowed from downstairs. ‘We’ve got ice cream.’
I trudged downstairs and found them all sitting in the lounge, each tucking into a tub of Ben & Jerry’s. Megan handed me a spoon. ‘We have a list! Now, what to do about it?’ she said, stuffing a spoonful into her mouth. I eyed the list.
Mike – Mercedes, house, waitress
James – Work, house, car, watch, aftershave, clothes, everything else expensive that he owns, probably Samantha
‘Well, we can’t do much about these things unless we want to be in trouble for criminal damage or GBH,’ I said.
‘Well, Mike’s Merc is in my name,’ Megan piped up. ‘I didn’t make mortgage payments, so when I started earning a bit more, doing personal training on top of my Pilates classes, I agreed to pay for the car. It’s registered in my name too. He had so many points on his licence that the insurance would have been sky-high so he’s just a named driver. Technically, my little Mini is his.’
‘Ahh, well this gives us options.’ Kate smiled a wicked smile. ‘We could report it as stolen.’
‘I’d get done for wasting police time once they discover it with my ex-fiancé.’ Megan’s eyes glinted. ‘It’s his pride and joy, though. I think because it’s so blokey in the tile shop, owning it is some kind of male bravado thing. Boys and their toys and whatnot. The deputy manager got some kind of sporty Ford Focus and Mike just had to get that Merc.’ Megan sighed.
‘I suppose anything that I bought James could be auctioned off for the Springwell charity,’ I said. ‘Since he’s so materialistic, it will probably hurt him.’
‘Perhaps a tiny bit, like a little pinprick in his side. We know where to hurt him, we just need to think bigger,’ Kate said.
The sound of chatter faded as my thoughts turned to Andrew. I thought back to his piercing blue eyes, as intense in real life as his picture suggested, and the dark hair falling across them as his head tilted slightly to the side. That same hurt expression I’d seen at the tearoom would cross his face when he read my email, and I couldn’t bear it. The connection we’d had was strangely strong, and the thought of the plug being ripped out was harrowing. My eyes fixed on a piece of lint on the carpet but moisture gathered around the rims. As I blinked, a tear splashed onto my cheek.
‘Charlotte? Are you okay?’ Megan sat down, putting an arm around my shoulders.
I rubbed at my eye with my sweater, feeling a little embarrassed. ‘I’m fine, I was just thinking about —’
‘You don’t have to say his name.’
‘It wasn’t James I was thinking about.’ I decided I might as well tell them all. Kate knew anyway, and I was being honest, after all.
She jumped in and kindly filled everyone in on my behalf. ‘She was thinking about the teacher.’
Megan shot me a look. ‘The website guy?’ I nodded. ‘But what, why? How?’
‘Well, I told you I’d been chatting to him. We had a lot in common and just seemed to gel. I was already attracted to him from his picture but when I met him—’
Megan blanched. ‘You met him?’
‘I had to. I had to come clean about what I’d done. I thought if I was honest he might be able to forgive me. I thought if I explained myself I . . .’ My voice caught on the lump in my throat.
‘Bloody hell!’ Megan said. ‘He must think you’re not all there.’
‘I know. Needless to say, it didn’t go well. He was hurt, angry, humiliated, and who could blame him?’
‘Sorry, Charlotte, I’d be pretty cross in his shoes too,’ Sam chimed in.
‘Well, I’ve sent an email apology too and tried to explain a little bit more.’
‘You should probably just forget about him now,’ Kate said. ‘Plenty more fish and all that.’
‘I don’t want a fish, Kate, I’ve got a baby to focus on. I’m serious – I don’t need a man, I just feel horrible for leading him on, and want to somehow put it right. There’s a part of me that isn’t ready to lose him as a friend just yet. I don’t know why – I just like talking to him.’
***
‘I got the keys!’ Megan practically skipped into the coffee shop where we’d arranged to meet ridiculously early a few days later. ‘Had to search everywhere for the VIN number and all the documents and pay a fortune for the replacement set, but I got there in the end.’
‘Excellent!’ Kate clapped excitedly. ‘We now just have the small matter of collecting the car and executing our plan. The body shop is all ready to go – benefit of Carl being the landlord of their premises.’
‘We’re not breaking any laws here, are we?’ Megan asked anxiously.
‘He has no legal right to that car – it’s yours,’ Kate said with authority. ‘I’m here to reassure you and make sure everything goes to plan, so stop worrying.’
‘And I am literally just here because I’m homeless, single, and pregnant.’ I sighed.
‘Charlotte!’ Kate scolded me.
‘Okay, I’m here because Mike is a cheating rat and deserves everything he gets.’ I sipped my coffee. ‘Oh, and I really do want to see the outcome of this whole shenanigan. Kate, you really must get a job after this. Idle hands and all that.’
‘How about godmother?’ she said.
‘Not bloody likely, Cruella de Vil!’ I said playfully.
‘That’s enough smart-arsery from you!’
We’d finished our drinks and I drove us to the retail park where Mike worked. His car sat at the far end of the car park, alone like it was goading us. It was just after nine o’clock and Megan had assured us Mike would be working until half-past six. We just had to hope he wasn’t planning on going for a spin any time soon.
‘Now to see if the bloody thing works!’ Megan said, climbing out of my car and swinging the new key fob. ‘It’d better do, since they deactivated the old one!’ She smirked.
‘Ooh, nasty twist! I like it,’ Kate said.
Megan pointed the fob at the car and pressed the button; the car beeped and the lights flashed, indicating it worked. ‘Right, I’ll follow you two,’ she said, sliding in.
Twenty minutes later, we were pulling up outside a small garage on some dodgy back street in Stockport. I sidestepped broken glass on the road as I got out of the car, praying I hadn’t punctured any tyres.
Megan drew a deep breath. ‘Okay, let’s do this!’
We followed her inside and Kate barged to the front as a worker came out. ‘I’m Carl’s wife, Kate. I was told someone could help me with a small paint job today. I think we’ve booked the entire garage . . . Billy’ She glanced at his name badge and smiled in a way I imagined Kim Jong-un might to a relative right before having them assassinated.
The poor bloke nodded quickly. ‘Yes, yes that’s right.’
Megan and I glanced at each other.
‘We have some templates made up from other jobs, so if you want something finishing today, you’d have to choose one of those,’ he said, unable to meet Kate’s eye. Kate turned to us.
‘That’s fine,’ Megan said.
Billy beckoned Megan through and Kate and I sat on some torn chairs of questionable hygienic integrity in the so-called waiting area.
Megan bounced back in about fifteen minutes later. ‘All done.’
Since Sam was working and I was Megan’s only client for the day, we decided to spend the afternoon shopping until a horrified Kate discovered no amount of high-end fashion would look good on me with my expanding frontage.
‘And you can’t drink either! You’ve lost all your attractive qualities as a friend,’ she cried, mock-sulking as we sloped out of a little boutique in Wilmslow.
‘There is another type of shopping we could do.’ I bit my bottom lip, feeling unsure – not about whether Kate would approve – but that feeling happy and looking to the future was something I could willingly grant myself.
I was finding it hard to picture a future without James but picturing a life with a person I already knew I loved more than him, even though I hadn’t met them – a tiny little human who would demand every ounce of my energy was starting to feel real. I caught myself smiling before I realised Kate and Megan were both staring at me with a ‘What?’ expression on their faces.
‘Baby clothes of course!’ I beamed.
Kate groaned and Megan squealed.
‘Oh come on, Kate,’ I said. ‘There’s a gorgeous baby boutique just up the road and I’ve bought nothing at all yet. Please, wear a smile for me – baby clothes are so tiny and cute.’ I pulled the biggest smile I could.
‘Oh, fine! Though I doubt the outfits could be any smaller than the ones those girls were wearing on our last night out and they weren’t at all cute.’ She sighed.
‘Let’s do it!’ Megan squealed.
Minutes later, we were bundling over the threshold of the baby boutique: Footprints.
I gasped. ‘Look at how small this is!’ I held up a teeny white BabyGro with little pastel-coloured stalks on. A swell of love swept through my torso, and my eyes teared up a little.
‘See, there’s more cloth there than on those twenty-somethings.’
‘Kate!’ I gave her a look. ‘Admit it’s cute.’
She regarded it like some strange foreign object, pursed her lips a little and raised a brow. ‘Okay, I suppose it is a bit cute.’
‘Your warmth is melting me.’ I laughed, relishing in the fact I’d made progress.
We left that shop with several large, stiff carrier bags, each with pastel baby feet printed all over, and I hugged them as we walked the high street because they were the closest thing to my child I could hug. Then I stopped in my tracks as the warmth and love drained from my veins.
‘I have nowhere to live,’ I said. The bags suddenly felt huge as I realised they wouldn’t be going in my walk-in wardrobe.
‘Is this some extreme case of “nesting”? I’ve heard about this,’ Kate said.
‘No, it’s not nesting, Kate. I’m sleeping in Megan’s spare room – thank you, Megan. But since I’m not going back to James, I need to find a place.’ I was suddenly unable to think of anything else.
‘We can look,’ Megan said. ‘I don’t know where your finances lie but figure it out and we’ll look together.’ She smiled warmly, and I nodded gratefully in return.
‘Okay, thank you.’ I took a breath, pushing aside the niggly stressed feeling that had swamped me.
Kate glanced at her watch. ‘Ladies, it’s time to go back to the garage.’
When we returned, Billy was sporting a particularly large grin on his face. ‘I did exactly what you asked, miss,’ he said, the corner of his mouth twitching. ‘Are you ready?’
We all nodded. Kate and I had no idea what Megan had chosen. Billy beckoned us through and we followed into the workshop where the car sat, covered by a huge silky cover.
‘We do these big reveals after a job.’ He shrugged. ‘Ever since that Pimp My Ride show was popular we’ve always done one, you know – the show with Xzibit?’
Looking at the other two, I was glad to find I wasn’t the only one sporting a blank expression.
‘We’re ready to see it!’ Megan said.
Billy whipped off the sheet and we all gasped before bursting into fits of giggles.
‘A bloody unicorn!’ Kate said, taking in the pink, purple, and white image spread across the bonnet.
‘And his name!’ Megan smirked, pointing out the word ‘Mike’ underneath, ‘You know how much he loved people to know he had a Mercedes.’ Her voice trembled with mirth.
I took in the glittery border and the rainbow above the creature and turned to Billy. ‘You’re really quite talented.’
‘Thanks, love. I don’t usually get requests like this one – most people want flames and things down the sides of old American classics, or more commonly just a whole panel respray.’ He rubbed at his chin. ‘We do a lot of work vans and things. Can’t say we’ve ever done a new Merc before! That particular stencil was for a nursery minibus, but they went bust years ago. Haven’t had much use for it since.’
‘It’s perfect.’ Megan beamed.
‘And colour coordinated too,’ Kate piped up.
All that was left now was the delightful task of returning it to the same spot in the car park at the tile warehouse.