‘Well go on then,’ I said, arms folded. It was the morning after I’d been to see Megan. I’d driven around until the early hours and slipped back into the still house. James had been sleeping on the sofa with the TV still switched on so I’d crept past him and spent the rest of the night tossing and turning in the guest room until the sun came up, blinding me through the window. Then I’d braved a trip to the kitchen, where James was stood making presumptuous coffee for two. It was a Monday morning and he wasn’t at work – I was privileged.
He shook his head. ‘Charlotte, there’s so much to say.’ Darn right there was. ‘Sit down, please.’ He gestured to the dining table. I obliged. ‘Samantha and I have been working together.’ Hearing her name sent a sharp pain through my chest, but I didn’t show it. ‘Obviously, because we know one another it’s made things easier . . .’ I furrowed my brow, unsure of how this was supposed to make me feel any better. For the first time ever, he seemed to pick up on it. ‘Anyway, the case has been quite involved and heavy. We were both under a lot of pressure and, well . . . we understand, understood, each other. We could share our burden.’
‘I think you shared more than your burden James,’ I said bitterly as acid rose up my oesophagus. ‘Unless lugging around your giant overfilled balls of sperm really is a struggle.’
‘You know what I mean.’ He sighed, which was restrained for him as he hated it when I used crude language. ‘She understood what I was going through and I her. I couldn’t burden you with my work woes.’ What a good Samaritan. ‘And she couldn’t talk to Sam about it. You both have . . .’ he paused again and drew a breath ‘. . . simpler lives.’ Simpler lives?
I was about to protest as my life felt far from simple but I supposed in the eyes of others, it could be perceived that way. ‘But it wasn’t just talking, James, was it? Unless you run a nudist’s law firm!’
He dropped his head. ‘No, it escalated.’
‘Escalated?’ I shook my head. ‘Do you love her?’ The question popped out before I’d even decided on whether or not I wanted an answer.
His eyes widened. ‘No, the relationship has been purely physical.’
Relationship? My chest felt heavy and I drew a breath to try and lighten it. ‘So, where does this leave us? Are you leaving me for her?’
‘What? No!’ He looked shocked. ‘I want your forgiveness, Charlotte; I want to make this right between us.’ I wasn’t sure what was happening or what I was supposed to do. Should I leave him?
‘I’m going to need some time to process this, James.’
‘Of course, take all the time you need.’ His forehead relaxed a little. ‘Charlotte, I am sorry – I never meant for this to happen and I do love you.’
I stood for a moment, staring at him, just anesthetised by the whole situation. Numb to pain, love, and heartache as though I was a spectator looking on. How was he mine when he’d touched someone else in ways that should have been reserved for me? He felt tainted. We were trying for a baby. I’d dressed up. Thoughts whirled around my head and thinking about it brought on that same churning sadness I’d felt when I caught them. My cheeks started to burn with the humiliation of being rejected because he’d already had his fill elsewhere. A fire in my chest scorched the numbness until it filled my entire body, causing my fingers to tremble.
‘I’ll call the locksmith.’ I said curtly. Grabbing my handbag, I forced myself to go back upstairs before I erupted without thinking things through and once again locked myself away before I could react. I’d wanted to lash out and throw something but that wasn’t who I was.
As I lay on the guest bed taking deep, soothing breaths, my mind drifts to the white envelope in my bag. I rummage inside, pulling it out. It was the surprise I’d taken to James’s office when life was normal, happy, simpler. Simpler. The word hung around in my head. It had never felt simpler – constantly trying to keep up with the likes of Lauren and plan successful events or win the approval of Frances. It wasn’t simple to keep the house perfect and make sure James’s needs were met and it wasn’t simple to help out people in need. I could have had a simpler life if I’d wanted but I didn’t. I slid my nail along the seal and pulled the document out to read the header.
7 Nights All Inclusive in the 5* Lagoona Resort, Maldives
I ran the page through my fingers, trying to imagine a week on a desert island with James. What had been my dream the day before, had quickly become my nightmare. There was time for reconciliation before the trip but, at that moment, even telling James about it was unimaginable. He’d feel hope for our marriage that I just couldn’t give. I stuffed it back in the envelope and put that back in my bag.
***
‘I go away for three nights and all hell breaks loose – why didn’t you tell me?’ Kate was as sympathetic as ever when I filled her in the following Monday over breakfast. She’d popped round after James had left for work and knew something was wrong immediately by the fact my ‘hair looked like shit’.
‘We didn’t want to spoil your trip, and besides, we were all too shocked, hurt, or whatever.’
‘You should have told me when I got back.’
‘I know, but I’ve been in a cloud of smog all week and you’ve been gushing over your trip. I wanted you to have your moment of happiness.’
‘Well thank you, but I can be happy for myself and sad for you at the same time. I knew it wasn’t the underwear,’ she added. Oddly, her lack of overbearing sympathy was somewhat comforting.
‘Right as always,’ I said.
‘I can’t believe it. Megan, then you and Sam . . . I hope infidelity isn’t catching or Carl will be an unwilling volunteer in my new castration scheme.’ She sipped her tea.
‘I know. They say things come in threes,’ I said, glad Kate didn’t stand for maudlin.
‘So, what now? Are you going to leave him? Is he leaving you?’
‘He said he’s sorry and he still loves me and doesn’t want to leave me.’ I shrugged. ‘I’ve told him I need time to think; but to be honest, I don’t know how to react. I didn’t see this coming.’ There was a part of me that didn’t quite believe it.
We’d spent the week sleeping apart, exchanging polite but necessary conversation but not really working on the problem. How do you work on a problem like that? I didn’t want to leave James, but I couldn’t be close to him either; I still felt as though it was happening to someone else.
‘Well, what was your initial reaction? Did you hit either of them? Or both of them? Did you burst into tears? Stamp on his Breitling?’
‘I sat in the car and had a controlled panic attack in front of a stranger and came home to make dinner.’
‘That is the most Stepford-Wife-style reaction to infidelity imaginable. You weren’t filled with rage and fury then?’
‘Of course I was, but I was shocked, then I panicked about what people would think, and then I felt humiliated because I’d tried to seduce a fully satiated man.’ I paused because of a pain in my chest. ‘He turned me down in my sexy underwear because he’d already slept with her. I was rejected by a man who supposedly wanted to have a baby with me, Kate. What lower ebb could I sink to?’
‘Exactly – so you should have punched him in the face or stamped on his Breitling. Though you do have delicate hands, so I’d have gone for the latter,’ she said, missing the point completely.
‘I don’t want revenge. I just want to feel normal again. Anyway, when did you become so violent?’
She sighed. ‘I suppose I’m angry with James too and I’m fiery – it’s my Italian blood.’
I smiled; it was about as close to compassion as Kate got. ‘Perhaps I’m partly to blame. I was so preoccupied with the charity, catching Mike and so on, that I’ve neglected James a little.’
‘Don’t even think about blaming yourself. He was “working late” way before you started interfering in Megan’s life.’
I shrugged. She was probably right. ‘I just don’t know where this leaves us. When Mike cheated on Megan I just assumed she’d throw him out like she did. I didn’t see an alternative. But this feels different. Splitting up just seems so . . . messy. Especially if there’s a chance we could work through it.’
‘Personally, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sleep with a man who’d cheated on me.’
I thought about what she was saying. Could I sleep with James again without thinking about Samantha? Maybe in time I could. But it would take time. ‘The alternative is to destroy everything we’ve built up and forever walk around with people throwing sympathetic glances my way. What would happen to our house, our social circles, our plans?’
Kate shook her head. ‘I don’t know, but it sounds like you have some thinking to do.’
As Kate prepared to leave she hugged me. Kate wasn’t a hugger and at first, holding her bony frame felt odd and uncomfortable until I warmed into it. I sensed she felt the same. ‘Thanks,’ I said knowingly, breaking away.
‘We’ll get through it,’ she said and winked before leaving.
I sat and thought about it. I took in my beautiful home, the sofa we’d chosen together, the elegant vase we’d picked up in Venice, and the photo on the mantelpiece taken on our wedding day. The big, beaming smiles plastered on our faces stemmed from a deep, genuine happiness. We’d made a commitment to each other in front of one hundred and forty guests. We could work through it.
After spending the day setting up a charity auction for some designer handbags I didn’t need, cleaning frantically, and preparing hearty spaghetti bolognaise, I sat nervously at the dining table, awaiting James’s return. He walked in just after six and came straight into the kitchen, tentatively approaching the chair opposite before sitting down.
‘Hi,’ he said eventually.
‘I’m willing to try and make this work,’ I blurted out before he had the chance to say anything more.
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Oh. Okay.’
‘Oh?’ It wasn’t the reaction I’d hoped for.
‘I’m just shocked.’ His face broke into a smile. ‘I’m happy – I didn’t expect you to be able to forgive me, that’s all.’ He reached across the table and took my own clutched hands in his. I stared at it like it wasn’t my own because his touch didn’t invoke any feeling. Kate was right; I did have small hands.
‘It’s not going to be smooth,’ I warned him. ‘In fact, it’s going to challenge us both, and you’re going to have a lot of making up to do.’
‘Anything. Charlotte, I made a mistake. I love you and the thought of losing you is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever faced.’
I studied his face. The slight furrow in his brow, the watery glaze across his eyes, and the twist to his mouth suggested he was genuine. I wanted to throw myself into a hug and for everything to be normal, but a hook in my brain tethered me to the chair. Hugging James wouldn’t be the same for a while.