WhatsApp was going crazy. I was seriously thinking about my business and what I needed to do but the messages kept coming. Nonsense mostly but I couldn’t ignore them.
Kate: I have my first client – small florist’s wants some leaflets designing.
Sam: Going to put tits on those too :=)
Megan: Sam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kate: There were no visible tits on the flyer I sent Frances – anyway, aren’t you two sat right next to each other???
Sam: OUCH!!! She elbowed me!
Kate: Sam, you have a point – sex sells. Maybe some boobs on the flyer would attract attention!
Megan: I hoped you had more class, Kate!
Sam: What’s this florist called again? ;)
Sam: OUCH!!! MEGAN . . . I’M A GARDENER! IT’S MY JOB TO KNOW!
Megan: Don’t shout!
Kate: Get a room!
Me: I have something to announce . . .
Sam: It’s twins?
Kate: She’s big enough . . .
Megan: ???
Me: I’m going to start up a wedding planning business . . .
Kate: typing
Sam: typing
Megan: typing
There was a pause in the incessant messaging. I wasn’t sure what exactly that meant but it wasn’t going to stop me. I continued planning, making a ‘things to do’ list. I was going to need social media, a website, flyers, and other bits and bobs but once I had a client, the hard part would be done. My phone buzzed again, and I picked it up thinking they’d finally replied. My heart thumped.
A friend of mine is getting rid of some nearly new baby stuff. They’ve said it’s going to charity if nobody wants it so I thought I’d see if you were interested? A x
I only had eight weeks left and had intended to go shopping for things that weekend but this was better – it would save me some money and I’d get to see Andrew.
That would be great – thanks. C x
My phone shrilled again. It was WhatsApp.
Megan: That’s great – glad you listened. You’ll be great. xx
Sam: Are weddings a good idea? Do you really want to encourage marriage???
Megan: Are you anti weddings, Sam???
Sam: STOP ELBOWING ME!!!
Kate: I can sort your marketing out. x
Me: Megan and Sam – you’re sat next to each other! Kate, thank you xx
Me: Megan, forgot to say. Antenatal class is Friday night if you can still make it?
Kate: Friday nights have taken a turn . . .
Megan: Definitely xxxxx
Me: Thank you xxx
My phone buzzed again. ‘Jesus!’ I reached down for it, all set to mute WhatsApp but it was a text:
Great, when can I bring it round? Friday straight from school would be good . . . A x
A flicker flashed across my chest. I’d still make the class.
Yes, that works. C x
Perfect – see you then. A x
And then I turned my phone off.
***
Friday came and I was a bag of butterflies. I changed my outfit twice – God knows why. Maternity wear was hardly flattering at its best. Not on me at least. The women in the pictures advertising the clothes were a picture of health and beauty with neat little bumps. I’d grown everywhere and had dry, blotchy skin on my face. Hardly glowing, still, my daughter was in there and as long as she was okay, I’d cope with the temporary side effects. There was a knock at the door and my heart started pounding. Checking myself in the mirror on the way past, I straightened my dress before pausing at the door to take a breath.
‘Hello, Andrew.’
My breath caught when I saw him. His piercing eyes hit me first but it wasn’t just those that took my breath away. Under one arm he had a baby bath filled with baby paraphernalia: baby grows, nappies, and a few toys. Under the other was a gorgeous, soft, white rabbit cuddly toy with big floppy ears. Something about this rugged man carrying such pure items made my heart melt.
As I was about to beckon him in, a lady who I recognised as my next-door-but-one neighbour waved from the bottom of my driveway.
‘I’m Annie. You must be the new neighbours,’ she said, giving a smile.
‘Hi, Annie, lovely to meet you. I’m Charlotte.’ Andrew was smiling at Annie too. ‘And this is Andrew,’ I added. It seemed odd to leave him out of the introductions when he was stood right there.
‘Lovely to meet you too. Welcome to the street and congratulations both of you!’ She pointed to Andrew’s swag and continued on her way. Heat flushed my cheeks.
‘Gosh, I didn’t mean to give her the wrong impression,’ I said. Andrew wore a look of amusement. ‘Come in anyway.’
‘I don’t mind.’ He smirked as he crossed the threshold. ‘This is nice – it feels homely,’ he said, taking in the small space.
‘I like it.’ I smiled. ‘Can I get you a drink?’
He placed the bath and rabbit down on the kitchen counter. ‘I’d love a coffee please.’
‘No problem. So what is it you’ve brought?’ I’d already started rifling through the bath – there were half packs of wipes and nappies and things, some brand-new BabyGros and muslins and a few toys.
‘It’s all stuff my friends didn’t use with their newborn. He was big and didn’t fit in the tiny stuff for long and it’s all neutral, as they didn’t know what they were having. Will it come in handy?’
‘Definitely, it’s great, thank you.’ I filled the kettle and put it on to boil. ‘I haven’t got anything like this yet, but I’m going to order a Moses basket and cot this week.’
‘I got you this too.’ He reached inside one of the nappy boxes and pulled out a DVD. I took it from him and smiled.
‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting.’
‘I’ve, er, no idea if it’s any good,’ he said. I gave him a raised-eyebrow response. ‘Okay, okay, yes. I did see this one. No explosions or car chases though so it’s a bit boring really. Sorry, I’ll take it back.’ He put a hand on the DVD and tried to take it back, joking. I let go and folded my arms. ‘Fine, it’s hilarious!’
I laughed. ‘I already know you’re a sucker for a romcom. Don’t worry, I won’t tell your friends.’ I winked. ‘Thank you though, I’m spending next week sorting out the nursery so I’ll probably need something fun to collapse on the sofa to.’
‘Well if there’s anything I can do, just give me a shout. I can help paint the nursery or assemble the cot, probably, if there are instructions.’
I smiled and handed him his coffee. My hand brushed his as I did.
‘I’ll take you up on that.’ My phone buzzed. ‘Sorry, just a sec.’ I left him sat at the breakfast bar and grabbed my phone off the coffee table.
Charlotte, I’m so sorry. My client has just dropped a 10kg kettlebell on her foot!!! Driving her to A and E as we speak. I’m not going to make the antenatal class. I’m so sorry – can we reschedule? Xxx
I groaned. No, I couldn’t bloody reschedule. I’d pre-paid for the session.
‘What’s up? Not another holy water and sage situation is it?’ Andrew asked.
‘No, not this time. Megan, my birthing partner is supposed to be going to antenatal classes with me tonight but she’s had to cancel. I’m sure people go on their own all the time.’ I tried to shrug it off, even though the thought horrified me so much I contemplated taking Frances up on her offer of help and asking if she’d go with me.
‘I’ll come with you.’
My eyes shot up, meeting his. ‘No. No way, that’s too much to ask of you. You’ve done so much already.’ I gestured to the baby bath.
‘It’s fine – I’ve no plans. I’m happy to help.’
I chewed down on my lip. Extra time with Andrew was a bonus, but extra time with Andrew whilst pretending to squeeze out a baby wasn’t so appealing. Neither was going alone. ‘Are you sure?’ I looked up at him from beneath my eyelashes. ‘It won’t be pretty.’
We’d chatted for so long, it was six-forty before I’d checked the time and I’d had to run upstairs and change into a T-shirt and my loose-fitting pregnancy pants that were a bit like yoga pants with ‘growing room’.
‘I can’t believe we’re going to be late after just sitting there,’ I said as we were leaving.
‘Don’t worry, in between watching romcoms, I’m partial to the odd Fast and Furious film. We’ll make it.’
We made it, just, and he didn’t speed. I was impressed. As we walked inside, the room was already filled with couples sat on mats. The instructor smiled as we hovered in the doorway. ‘Please, come in and take a mat. There’s a space over there.’ Fortunately, the space she’d pointed out was near the back. Andrew picked up a mat and we weaved between the couples to reach our spot.
There was lots of practical information about planning ahead, what to pack for the hospital and so on, and then we were on to labour. I shuffled uncomfortably, feeling terrible for Andrew. It must have been so dull for him. I glanced at him every now and then but he was listening so intently that he didn’t seem to notice. Maybe he was okay after all.
‘So, ladies, if you’d like to sit in front of your partner, we’re going to practise breathing techniques.’
I looked awkwardly at Andrew, who’d already spun around and was sat with his arms open. I smiled shyly and shuffled towards him. The instructor started teaching us a technique and whilst I sat there wondering how on earth deep breaths would help, Andrew pressed his mouth to my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. ‘If you can’t breathe without lessons, should you really be having a baby?’ I snorted and a few people turned to look at me.
Then we were on to massage, and as Andrew massaged my shoulders I whispered ‘sorry’. It should have been Megan learning to do that. It was almost as if I’d wasted my money because she’d learned nothing but, guiltily, I enjoyed every minute.
By the end of the session, I did feel a little bit more confident. Megan would just have to watch the NHS antenatal videos on YouTube. As I sat in Andrew’s car, I could still feel the warmth of his hands in all the places he’d touched: my tummy, my arms, and my shoulders. ‘Thank you for coming – it would have been unbearable on my own,’ I said as he turned the ignition.
‘My pleasure,’ he said cheerfully.
‘It must have been so boring for you though. I’ll have to take you for a coffee sometime to thank you.’ I said it breezily but noticed a slight clench in his jaw when I spoke. Maybe he was fed up of my company.
‘I never got to do that with Beth,’ he said, jolting me.
‘Oh, of course not. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,’ I said softly and my stomach almost cramped with pain. The orange glow from the streetlights reflected off his watery eyes as he stared straight down the road ahead.
‘No, don’t be sorry. I didn’t mean it in a bad way, I just meant that it was probably something we would have done if cancer didn’t steal our future away.’
My eyes burnt and an involuntary sniff escaped. We both sat in silence awhile, me with nothing soothing to say, and him probably thinking of what should have been. I wondered if while I’d been enjoying the feel of his touch, he was resenting the fact I wasn’t Beth.
‘I’m glad I came,’ he said eventually. ‘It was nice to share that with someone and I don’t know if I’d have had the chance otherwise.’
I didn’t reply but my chest tightened and I hated myself for not having anything comforting to say. ‘What was she like? Beth?’ I said eventually. I was relieved to see his mouth lift up at the corner.
‘She was fun, never took life too seriously. She was a firm believer in the “you only live once” mantra and in some ways, after she’d gone, I wondered if she’d always known she would die young.’
‘She sounds perfect.’
‘She was.’
His hand was resting on the gear stick and I placed mine on top, just for a moment. He turned his attention from the road for a moment to smile.
When we pulled up outside my house, the road was quiet and still. ‘Thank you again for coming,’ I said and reached for the handle.
His lips parted like he was about to say something but his phone buzzed in the cup holder and cast a bright unpleasant light across us both. I didn’t mean to but I glanced at the screen, out of habit. It was from ‘Luce mobile’. There was a thud in my chest.
Where the hell are you? Xxx
He glanced at it too before turning to me. ‘Er, it was nothing. I’m glad I could help,’ he said, and I climbed out. Deflated. I could’ve sworn he was about to say something else.
***
Megan had been at my house since four o’clock, badgering about going out for a meal.
‘Plenty of divorcees let their friends throw them a “just divorced” party once their divorces are final. You can buy a “just divorced” sash and a black veil and everything.’ She’d been on at me for well over an hour.
‘That’s great, Megan, but I don’t want that. I’d barely acknowledged the divorce other than checking the letter to make sure my marriage was definitely over. ‘I wish I hadn’t put it on the WhatsApp group,’ I huffed, just as there was a knock on the door. I glared at Megan, knowing full well who it was.
‘Come in.’ I sighed at Kate and Sam when I’d opened the door.
‘Happy divorce day!’ they sang in unison.
‘Here,’ Kate said handing me a black ‘just divorced’ badge. ‘Put this on. We’re taking you out for dinner. It’s booked and we’ll drag you there if we have to.’
Despite their enthusiasm, I was feeling tired. I don’t know if it was because I was in the later stages of my pregnancy or because I was emotionally drained after the ups and downs with Andrew. I’d managed to convince myself any spark I’d felt was all in my head. That I’d built up a fantasy because he was so wonderful, kind, and handsome. You couldn’t blame me really. The things I felt when he touched me, I’d thought he felt too but that was silly. Of course he hadn’t. I’d mutated his kindness in my head. It was one-sided and I blamed hormones. The rational part of my brain, fortunately, came back to save me and whoever ‘Luce’ was, probably deserved him more than I did.
I eventually managed to get ready with all the excitement of a vegan in McDonald’s.
‘You look . . . nice,’ Megan said as I sloped down the stairs in maternity jeans and a blouse resembling a blue whale. My un-styled hair hung around my shoulders shapelessly and my face was all potato-like. At least Kate stayed silent.
Eight months ago, I’d never have gone out like that. I’d have been so worried about what people would think. Did I look fat? Could you see my roots? Why am I wearing something that looks like a tent? But those things didn’t seem important.
I’d come to realise that I couldn’t control everything. That much was obvious, looking at how my life had changed. But strangely, it didn’t seem to matter.
As my tummy grew, so did my love for the little body inside of my own. It felt enough, and I knew that once the baby arrived, I’d love her unconditionally in a bubble so thick, no other love could penetrate it anyway. I would be okay. We would be enough.
I felt my daughter kick as if she were telling me that we would be okay too. I placed my hand on my belly. It’s going to be me and you, kid.
‘I’m ready. Let’s go.’
The dinner was pleasant enough but my mind wasn’t in it until Kate perked up, clanging her spoon on her Prosecco flute.
‘I’ve got an announcement to make.’ She waited for silence before continuing. ‘As you know, I’ve been a bit hard on poor Carl recently because quite frankly I’ve had nothing better to focus on. Now I’m in the throes of working on my own business, I realise just how busy Carl must be. I was a cow basically. So, the other night, I asked Carl if we could start again, and renew our vows.’ She smiled and turned to me. ‘Charlotte, will you plan our ceremony?’
There were coos of congratulations and I realised my hand was clasped over my mouth.
‘Kate, I’d love to,’ I said, tearing up. ‘My first client.’ I smiled, standing up to hug her.
***
Over the course of the following week, Andrew texted me twice but I hadn’t replied. It would be better to just let him and ‘Luce’ get on with life. I’d busied myself with the house, the nursery, and I’d even started planning Kate’s ceremony. The baby bath still sat on the kitchen worktop so I carried it upstairs to the nursery where I unpacked the items and put them away neatly. I had a cute little pink, cotton hanging shelf for nappies and emptied them out of the packaging.
As I folded the empty cardboard box, something fell out onto the floor. It looked like a credit card or something. Bending down wasn’t easy. I’d resorted to slip-on shoes even – it was ridiculous. I put my legs in a wide squat position and lowered, taking deep breaths and trying to avoid panting. I scrambled around on the floor, my fingertips managing to brush against it but not pick it up. I widened my legs further and went down again. Pressure was everywhere in my body but I managed to pick up the card.
Straightening up, I was out of breath and burst out laughing. It was funny – all those personal training sessions, feeling so smug about my toned physique. Pregnancy isn’t pretty. Why the hell did I bother with all that bullshit? I was still laughing until tears rolled down my face when I looked at the card. It wiped the smile off my face immediately. It was Andrew’s gym card.
I grabbed a packet of salt and vinegar crisps and paced the ground floor from the front door, past the kitchen and sofa, to the patio doors and back. I could just bin it. I paced again. I should be nice and give it back – he’s done nothing wrong. I paced again. I could post it to his school. I was still pacing. Crisps did not have the same effect as wine but they were bloody delicious. I couldn’t post it to his school – that would be odd. I had to remind myself that, in Andrew’s eyes, I was still his friend. A friend would text their friend to let them know they’d left something behind. They definitely would. I grabbed my phone before I had time to change my mind.
Just putting baby things away and found your gym card in the nappy box.
I pressed send and it was done. I opened another packet of crisps and stared at my phone until two empty packets sat on the coffee table. He hadn’t texted back.
I woke the following morning early and freezing cold on the sofa. Heaving myself up I stretched my arms, remembering not to stretch my tummy muscles out even though they desperately needed it.
I’d made a decaf coffee and some toast before I glanced at my phone. Some kind of feeling dashed about my stomach when I saw who it was from, but I refused to let it be excitement.
I wondered where that went. Can I pick it up? A x
That meant I’d see him. Unless I left it under a plant pot outside like my mum used to do with our door key. I contemplated the pot idea. Surely one more feast for the eyes wouldn’t hurt? I was so persuasive. And it was worrying that many of my conversations of late were in my own head. I made a mental note to organise something for the charity, where I could speak to actual people.
Of course. I’ll keep it safe. C x
Thx, you’re a star. Does weekend work? Got a busy week. A x
I took a deep breath. He’d probably be with Luce in the week, perhaps she’d moved in and had his dinner ready each night like I had for James, and since Andrew wasn’t the type to shag the secretary, or whoever else, he’d dash off home as early as he could each night to his caring partner.
No problem. I’ll be in all weekend. C x
***
I’d not thought about him all week. It was a conscious decision. A forced decision. A decision that would have perhaps required drugs to control in some people. But I focused on work and I pushed Andrew out of my mind. I started seeking venues for Kate’s vow renewal and looked into colour schemes and bands.
It was Saturday morning before I allowed myself to think about Andrew. By the time the doorbell went, I’d convinced myself that ‘Luce’ would be with him.
‘Hello.’ I swung the door open and beamed.
‘Er, parcel, love.’ It was just the postman and I felt so foolish I practically snatched it from him.
The postmark was Peru. Intrigued, I opened it. It was a strange-looking soft doll. I eyed it for a moment before digging into the package to see if there was a note.
Our dearest Charlotte,
We’re sorry it’s been so long since we were last in touch. We did send a postcard from Hawaii last month – hope you received it. We know you’ll be busy and not thinking much about us but wanted to let you know, we got your email and are thrilled you and James are going to have a baby – it just made us up!
We’ll be back in England next year (flights pending) and can’t wait to see you all. The doll is for the baby. It’s an Andean doll from Peru.
Hope James is taking good care of you, darling.
We love you.
Mum and Dad
xxx
I sunk into the sofa. When I’d emailed the scan picture, I didn’t mention anything about me and James but somehow it seemed peculiar for them to assume we were still together. I made a mental note to email them and let them know later. There was no rush since it takes them months to check their email. I took the doll upstairs to the nursery and there was another knock at the door as I was on my way down.
I opened it without remembering who’d be standing there. My parents’ parcel had thrown me off.
‘Andrew, hi, come in.’
He smiled and stepped inside. Walking straight to the breakfast bar, he sat down. I wasn’t expecting him to stay; I wasn’t even expecting him to be alone actually. I wanted to ask him, where’s Luce? Luce not with you? Don’t you need to get back home to Luce? But I froze.
‘Any chance of a coffee?’ He grinned, flashing his electric eyes at me. There wasn’t any harm in coffee was there? I’d make Sam or Carl a coffee if they popped in.
‘Sure.’ I smiled and proceeded to make coffee.
‘I’m so glad you found my gym card. I must have shoved it in the nappy box with that DVD. Five quid they are to replace! I told them I’d have another look first.’ He let out a small laugh. I carried on making coffee. ‘So, did the antenatal class leave you feeling confident?’ he asked as the kettle boiled.
‘Yes.’ I smiled politely, pouring hot water into two mugs.
‘Good. I thought so, but then again, I’ve no idea how you feel so it’s irrelevant what I think.’
I put down his coffee.
‘Is everything okay?’ he asked.
‘Yes, why wouldn’t it be?’ I sounded snappy when I didn’t intend to. He’d done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t care anyway.
He glanced down at his cup. ‘I don’t know, you just seem . . . different.’
I shrugged. ‘Nope, just the same old Charlotte.’
He eyed me suspiciously and looked like he was about to say something but didn’t. The whole Luce thing was eating me up. I had to mention it. If I told him I was happy for him, that would be okay, wouldn’t it?
‘The other week, when you dropped me off I accidentally glanced at your phone screen. I saw “Luce” was worried about you. I hope you didn’t get in trouble.’
My chest tensed in apprehension.
He looked puzzled for a moment. ‘Luce? No, she was fine.’ He batted a hand in the air. ‘Great coffee by the way.’
Luce must be secure in the knowledge that Andrew was hers and would always come back to her.
‘So, do you live together, you and Luce?’ I dared to ask.
He furrowed his brow. ‘God no, no way.’
It was a silly question. He probably never wanted to live with a different woman to Beth – too many memories I imagined.
‘It would be hard to live with another woman I suppose,’ I said sympathetically.
‘Living with a woman would be okay; it would, however, be hard to live with my mate Chris’s wife!’ He laughed.
His friend’s wife! Suddenly, my chest cracked, freeing the butterflies I’d frozen in tension. It took all my resolve not to giggle.
‘Wait, did you think Luce was my girlfriend?’ he asked.
‘I, er, no, I . . .’ He placed a hand on mine and looked me straight in the eye. Feelings of electricity zipped and zapped about my body.
‘There is just one person I’d even want to go on a date with, never mind live with.’ He smiled and my heart leapt.
‘Oh?’
‘Yes. Someone beautiful, who I can’t help but find excuses to see.’ He held my gaze for a moment. ‘Charlotte?’
I swallowed hard. ‘Yes.’
‘Can I take you out on a date?’
The butterflies were on acid.
‘Yes.’
***
I walked across the park, my stomach filled with cartwheeling butterflies. The early December sun was still warm and the air fresh; it was the perfect day for an indoor picnic. I entered the park’s orangery and could see Andrew sitting on a blanket on the other side of the long room, and I wanted to turn back and check my appearance one last time, though it was safe to say my bump did look big in that. I forced each foot forward until he spotted me and waved, and by that point, there was no turning back.
‘Hello, you,’ he said, smiling once I was close enough. He looked as gorgeous as ever; his dark hair had been trimmed and the strand that used to fall into his eye now skimmed his eyebrow, allowing me to see more of his face. He was wearing a grey round-neck T-shirt and slim-fit black jeans, which I loved. James had only ever sported a suit when working and chinos when he wasn’t. That was the extent of variety he’d displayed.
‘Hello,’ I said, smiling back nervously, taking in the gorgeous spread laid out neatly on the tartan picnic blanket and cushions scattered around. There were little triangular sandwiches, crudités and hummus, and a selection of cakes to satisfy the sweetest tooth.
He reached up and offered a glass of something yellow and fizzy, and I glanced down at him, frowning.
‘It’s Shloer.’ The sun glinted through the glass and reflected off his bright blue eyes and he raised a hand to shade them.
‘In that case, let’s rock and roll!’ I took the glass from him.
‘Is the lady going to sit?’ he asked. I handed my glass back to him and plonked my handbag down on the mat before squatting down and trying to reach the ground with my hand. It was no good; I was stuck. Heat rose up through my cheeks as I tried again with the other hand. Noticing my struggle, Andrew jumped up and came to my aid, wrapping two strong arms around me just above my bump and easing me down onto my bottom.
‘Thanks,’ I said, when I was safely down.
‘God, I didn’t think the seating arrangements through – I’m so sorry, Charlotte, I’m an idiot.’
‘Being hoisted like a wale was not how I imagined the first time being wrapped in your arms would be like.’ I smiled to let him know I was teasing him and he looked down sheepishly before laughing.
‘Are you sure it wasn’t just an excuse? You could’ve just asked for a cuddle, you know. I might’ve even said yes.’
‘I bet you never envisaged yourself on a first date with a ready-to-pop pregnant lady,’ I said, crossing my legs for balance.
‘To be honest, no. But it’s not something I’m bothered about. It’s odd. I’ve known you now such a long time – since before you were pregnant if you count the Me & You website.’
‘I know, it’s just . . . well, most men I’m sure would have run a mile.’
‘I’m not like most men,’ he said. ‘Besides that, I value life. If losing Beth taught me anything it’s that all life is precious, especially new life, and if my date is growing a human, then that makes her pretty fantastic, don’t you think?’
My stomach tightened so much it was almost painful and I came over all shy, unable to make eye contact for a second, which was so unlike me.
‘Anyway, I think this date was long overdue.’ He held up his flute.
‘That, I can agree with,’ I said, clinking my glass against his. ‘I can’t believe I’ve only got two weeks left! It will certainly be a shock to the system, but at least I’ll be doing what I do best.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Taking over, making the decisions, being in complete control – all in a helpful way, of course.’ I laughed.
‘Ahh, yes – and you’ll have the perfect victim, I mean beneficiary.’
‘She’s going to move out by the time she’s five, isn’t she?’
‘If she’s strong, like you, she might last that long.’
I nudged him playfully in the ribs.
‘I’m joking, she’s lucky to have a mother like you.’
I smiled. I wasn’t sure he was right, but it was a nice thing to say. ‘I’m planning on giving it my best shot.’
‘God help her.’ He laughed, proffering a sandwich, which I took gratefully. Being pregnant was odd in the sense I never actually felt all that hungry, because my stomach was squished up, but I knew I needed to eat.
‘This is delicious. Did you make them?’ I asked, tucking into a delicious lamb and chutney sandwich.
‘As a matter of fact, I did. Cooking took my mind off things after Beth died. I never wanted to go out for a meal or anything, and I had a constant stream of visitors filing through the door. Cooking was something I forced myself to do at first, by ordering a food shopping delivery each week, then I discovered I enjoyed it. I think it’s the structure – there’s no time for moping when you’re cooking: there’s prep, oven heating, and then putting it all together, cooking it, cleaning up, and so on. By the time it was ready to eat my mind was so clear, I actually had an appetite.’
‘So it was therapy?’ I said. I got it.
‘I suppose so. It took its toll though. There are only so many en croute dishes you can eat before your jeans don’t fasten.’ He grinned.
‘Well, I can’t exactly say anything about rotund bellies, can I?’ I giggled.
‘No, yours is definitely bigger than mine ever was!’ he said, raising both eyebrows animatedly.
‘So that’s where the gym came in.’
‘Yes, I still eat well, but I burn it off at the gym and on my walks.’
‘That sounds perfect.’ I started to feel uncomfortable, and my tummy cramped. ‘I think I need to stand up. I feel like everything is squashed up,’ I said.
‘God, I’m sorry, making a pregnant lady sit on the floor was a really crappy idea.’ He jumped to his feet and held both hands out. ‘Ready?’
I took them and put my feet out in front of me, pressing my heels into the ground as he pulled me up. ‘Thank you,’ I said, once I was on my feet. ‘My tummy can ache a little sometimes. I think it’s because my skin is stretched to breaking point.’ I smiled.
‘I’ll get this packed away and we can either have a walk or I could take you home?’
‘A walk would be lovely, but you’re on your own for packing up, I’m afraid. I can’t bend down.’ I winced as my tummy tightened again.
As he crouched down to pack everything back into the picnic basket, an almighty gush flooded from between my legs. For a moment, I was confused and embarrassed. Had I wet myself? My body wasn’t my own. Then an almighty wave of pain consumed me like a rabid wolf was trying to claw its way out of my stomach and I realised what was happening. Andrew was staring at me, mouth slightly agape.
All sense of propriety abandoned me. ‘Take me to the hospital. Now!’ I yelled.
‘Oh Jesus,’ Andrew said, swiping up the basket and linking his arm under me for support. My car is just there by the gate.’
I managed to hobble to the car before another wave of pain hit me. ‘These are coming quick and fast – I thought it was supposed to build up!’ I said between gasps.
He helped me in and shot around to the driver’s side, screeching away from the kerb seconds later.
***
By the time we reached the hospital, my urge to push was so strong, I couldn’t speak. A ripping pain tore through my stomach what seemed like every thirty seconds. I vaguely remember someone rushing towards me with a wheelchair and racing me into a delivery room.
‘You’re ten centimetres!’ the midwife had said. Apparently, there was no time for any pain relief, just gas and air. My birth plan went flying out of the window.
‘Push,’ the midwife instructed.
Andrew was there, face as white as a sheet. He definitely wasn’t in my birth plan. As far as first dates went, this had to be the strangest. Giving birth was a lot for men to deal with at the best of times. He was holding my hand, but I didn’t want to squeeze it so I clenched the bedding with my other hand instead.
‘Push!’ the midwife repeated. I was scared. I didn’t know how to push – I’d never pushed anything from there before. I was supposed to be having a water birth. Surely they had my plan. I didn’t have my plan; I didn’t even have my hospital bag. I started to feel panicky. Come on, Charlotte. I tried to pull myself together. I pushed. With everything I had.
‘And again.’
Then the door burst open. ‘Oh, thank God, I’m not too late!’ It was James.
‘I sent him a message from your phone,’ Andrew said. ‘I hope you don’t mind.’
Pain surged through me. At that moment in time, I didn’t care.
‘Push!’
Andrew’s hand was replaced by James’s and he slipped out of the room. I didn’t want him to leave. He was technically my birthing partner but through the pain and the gas and air, I never managed to communicate my thoughts.
‘I’m so glad I made it,’ James said, stroking my hair. I wanted to yell at him to get off, but I didn’t. I was too focused on getting the baby out.
‘Okay, I see the head, nearly there,’ the midwife said. ‘Push.’
I batted James’s hand away and pushed. ‘Aggh’ and almighty pain tore through my lady parts. I was panting, completely worn out.
‘Not long now, sweetheart,’ James said.
‘You squeeze the bloody thing out,’ I screamed.
‘Just relax, take some air,’ the midwife soothed and it took all of my resolve not to bite her head off too. ‘Are you ready? It’s the shoulders next. Push.’
I did. The hot tearing sensation wasn’t as bad that time and I could feel myself she was nearly out. One last contraction forced me to push before the midwife spoke.
‘She’s coming, she’s here,’ the midwife said as I panted for breath.
The midwife placed a tiny person on my chest and for a little while, time froze as I stared into her perfect little eyes. She was beautiful. Love at first sight does exist.
‘Alert little thing,’ the midwife said, acknowledging her open eyes. She was; she took in everything but most of all, me. I was in love.
Not long after the midwife took her and wiped her down. She was handed back to me in a nappy, BabyGro and pink woolly hat.
‘She’s perfect.’ James smiled.
For a moment it all felt perfect, like a glimpse into how it should have been. But I’d be going home to my cottage, and James would return to the apartment he’d apparently moved into. I had to remind myself that just because he was an awful husband, it didn’t mean he would be a bad father.
‘Am I too late?’ Frances’s voice pierced my eardrums as she burst through the door. ‘Oh, what a little beauty!’ she said making a beeline towards us. ‘And does she have a name yet? I still have lots of ideas.’
‘I’ve been thinking about names,’ I continued. ‘And I really like Penelope Rose.’
Frances didn’t say anything; instead, she actually smiled.
James nodded in agreement. ‘I like it.’
‘Would you like to hold her?’ I offered, realising I’d hogged her all to myself. As he took her from me I instantly regretted offering; I just wanted my warm little precious bundle back.
‘Oh, she has your features, Charlotte,’ Frances said, stooping over my daughter. ‘She looks just like you.’ She stopped short of getting too close to James. I had no idea whether they’d been in contact or what had been said but it was the first time Frances had been anything but doting over her precious son.
They left about an hour later and I lay back down, staring at my precious Penelope Rose. I kept saying her name over and over in my head until I knew it was perfect for her.
There was a knock at the door, and Andrew popped his head round. ‘Am I allowed a look?’ he said, smiling.
‘I can’t believe you’re still here.’
‘Are you kidding? We’re on a date!’ There was a mischievous glint in his eye. ‘Besides, you’d have to call security if you want me removed.’ He hovered over for a look, and our faces were impossibly close. ‘She’s beautiful,’ he whispered, his eyes locking on to mine for a moment too long. I wondered if he’d kiss me, or perhaps he thought it inappropriate. He kissed my forehead instead. ‘Well done, you were amazing.’ My heart swelled with love – not just for Penelope, but for my life.
‘Well this looks cosy.’ Kate burst in, Megan and Sam following behind her. ‘Congratulations!’ they all cheered in unison.
A wide grin spread across my face. I couldn’t wait for them to see her.
‘Ahh, she’s beautiful,’ Megan said, giving me a hug. Andrew sloped back and sat on the chair in the corner of the room to let them have a look.
‘And if she doesn’t grow into that nose by the time she’s eighteen, we can have it fixed. I know a great surgeon,’ Kate said. I frowned at her in response, but even Kate’s comments couldn’t penetrate my happy bubble.
‘Well, I think she’s perfect,’ Megan said.
‘She’s a little cute thing,’ Sam added.
‘Nice long legs,’ Kate said. I think that was her attempt at warmth.
I reluctantly passed Penelope around for them each to have a cuddle. Though Kate held her with the same love and affection as Baby in Dirty Dancing when she was carrying a watermelon, I did notice a soft, gushy expression wash over her as she glanced down at Penelope.
***
The weeks after Penelope joined the world were a blur. No sleep, minimal adult interaction, and pure bliss. There had been a stream of visitors to our tiny little cottage but most of the time, I enjoyed it best when it was just the two of us. Andrew had visited a fair few times; he had a knack of turning up when I needed him the most, such as after a stressful morning of unfathomable crying or after four consecutive poonamis. On one occasion, he turned up at three p.m. to find me un-showered and still in my pyjamas.
‘Let me hold her,’ he’d said. It was a relief to hand her over for a moment and to be able to use my arms for my own gain for a minute or two.
‘Thank you.’ I sighed. ‘She’s been crying non-stop. She’s been fed, winded, her nappy is clean, and I just can’t figure out what the matter is. She just wants to be held and jiggled.’
‘Well I’m happy to hold and jiggle if you want to have some you time,’ he said.
I didn’t think twice. ‘Thank you.’ I almost teared up. ‘I’ll be upstairs having a soak.’
The bath felt amazing. I was fortunate to have escaped with minimal damage below the belt, but I’d been doing my pelvic floor exercises at Kate’s insistence, religiously. I don’t know why I’d thought about that so much. Maybe I was hoping something might happen with Andrew once day, though I wasn’t sure I could even bear to even think about that for a very long time.
When I went downstairs half an hour later, Penelope was fast asleep, curled up in a little ball on Andrew’s chest, and he was holding her in one of his strong arms watching The Deadliest Catch.
‘You have the magic touch!’ I said quietly, so as not to wake her.
‘I’m the baby whisperer.’ He smiled. ‘She did a big burp, then a huge yawn, and that was it.’
It usually was something simple, but days like that often had me in a tizz to the point where my imagination got the better of me and built up the problem to something huge or life-threatening because nobody healthy should ever need to cry that much.
‘Pass me over the Moses basket,’ he said and placed Penelope in it carefully when I’d placed it down. ‘I’m going to go now she’s asleep and give you chance to have a rest.’ My eyes welled up. It was such a small gesture but exactly what I needed.
My words burst out in an only-just-decipherable sob. ‘Thank you.’ He wrapped me in his arms and I finally got that cuddle. I felt small, protected, and wanted to stay there for ever.
‘Get some rest.’ He kissed me on the head and I thanked him again before he left.
I spent a glorious few hours sleeping on the sofa and was only woken up when my phone shrilled.
‘Hi, Kate,’ I said, yawning after my blissful nap. She was phoning to check in. She and Carl had been in each other’s pockets. Since everything that had happened with James, Mike, and Samantha, I think Kate had realised she’d actually found a keeper in Carl after all he’d done to help with her various plans and schemes.
‘How do you fancy a night out?’ she said.
‘A night in bed sounds better.’
‘Who with?’ she shrieked. Clearly, she had no idea how tired new mothers could be.
‘Alone, just me and a huge super king, made with luxury Egyptian cotton of at least a four-hundred-thread c—’
‘Let me stop you there before you bore me to death with what I can only describe as the crappiest fantasy ever!’ She took a deep breath and I sensed she was nervous, which was very unlike Kate. ‘Anyway, I know most people my age are packing their kids off to senior school, but Carl has suggested trying for a baby . . .’
She paused to allow me time to digest (or squeal, which is actually what I did). ‘That’s amazing!’
‘Well, I’m not convinced, so we thought we’d test-run your baby.’
‘Oh, thanks, when you put it like that, how can I refuse?’ I said to the least enthusiastic babysitter of all time.
‘Oh, come on, I’m really keen to try. You know I’ve not been around babies much. I don’t even know any and so many people have them that I’m sure there’s more to the appeal than nappies and vomit. And I do love spending time with Penelope.’
I thought about it for a moment. It had been nice when Andrew came to give me a break, and I was sure visits wouldn’t always be enough for James and Frances; they’d eventually want to take her away for a night or two so I’d have to get used to being apart from her. ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘On one condition . . .’
‘Don’t give her champagne?’
‘Not funny! The condition is, you have her during the day. You’re not just bathing her and putting her to bed then buggering off before the night feed. You do the daytime, you watch her laugh, soothe her tears, feed her, and change her nappy. Only then you’ll be qualified to make the decision.’
The phone went so quiet I wasn’t sure she was still there until I heard her draw a breath. ‘Okay. It can’t be that hard.’
‘Super, I’ll let you know about dates.’
Once I’d finished on the phone, I noticed a text message from Andrew.
You looked like you needed a break today but when you’re feeling up to it, I’d love a second date if you’d fancy it. Probably something low-key and definitely less dramatic than our first date. A xx
My heart bulged.
I’d love to, but I’m not sure we could top the first one. C xx
***
I walked back in from having a much-needed colour touch-up at the hairdresser’s and Kate was already picking up her coat and bag. ‘Got to dash, Penelope is napping. She’s fine. Bye.’ She kissed me on the cheek as she barged past to the front door. It wasn’t until I turned towards the kitchen, her odd behaviour made sense.
‘Low-key.’ Andrew smiled as he lit a candle, placing it on the kitchen counter.
‘Ahh, this explains Kate’s behaviour. Although, Kate explains Kate’s behaviour.’ I laughed to myself as Andrew walked around the counter and stood facing me. ‘Charlotte?’ he said, intertwining his fingers with mine. I looked up at him and he took a step closer, so his chest was pressed against me. ‘You are incredibly strong, and I admire that in a woman. You’re determined and that’s sexy as hell. You’re beautiful and you’re a fantastic mummy. For all these reasons, I’ve wanted to do this.’
He wrapped a strong arm around my back, pulling me in and rested his forehead on mine. ‘I’ve wanted to do this for a long time,’ he whispered, pressing his hot lips against mine, moving them in rhythm. I responded, grabbing at him, pulling him in closer. I couldn’t get close enough. He smelt deliciously fresh and citrusy and I ran my hands up and down his firm, toned back before he scooped me up and I squealed.
‘There’s been something I’ve been meaning to do for you.’
‘What?’ I giggled.
He carried me to the sofa and sat down, with me on his knee. ‘I know you’ve wanted me to do this for a long time,’ he said. There were a few things I wanted him to do to me but I couldn’t recall ever telling anyone. I felt my cheeks flush. Then he wrapped his arms around me in a big bear hug. ‘I know you’ve been desperate for a cuddle.’ He laughed; I did too.
‘Get off!’ I giggled. ‘You’re messing my new hair up.’
‘I can’t, I’m making dreams come true here.’ He was still laughing and I tickled his sides and he jerked away and I looked him in the eye.
‘I preferred that other thing you were just doing.’
‘Ahh, okay, this,’ he whispered. Drawing me closer he cupped my face and kissed me again. I could have stayed there for ever.