‘After everything that’s gone on, you want to do pregnancy Pilates?’ Megan asked when she arrived the next day.
I shrugged. ‘It’s good for keeping muscle tone, and it will apparently help me get back into shape once the baby is born.’
‘What I meant was, how can you think about muscle tone when you’ve had two huge surprises in such a short space of time?’ She set off towards the gym and I followed.
‘Megan, I have to move forward. It’s no good feeling sorry for myself, and wallowing in self-pity has never made anyone feel better. Ever.’
‘I’m worried about you.’ She placed a hand on my shoulder. ‘I know what it feels like to find out someone you love has betrayed you, and it’s not pleasant. I’m still not over Mike yet, not properly! Every time I think I’m doing okay, I crumble.’
‘It wasn’t really an affair,’ I said quickly. ‘It was work stress.’
She raised her eyebrows in a look that said she wasn’t buying a word of what I had to say.
‘Fine,’ I continued. ‘Of course, I don’t condone what he did, but we’re having a baby and that’s a massive life change. Much bigger than one bad decision.’
‘But it still hurts, Charlotte,’ she said, more softly this time. ‘How have things been?’
I sighed. ‘Fine, really. He’s thrilled about the baby and thinks this could be the fresh start we need to get back on track.’
‘But you’re not sure? You’re just talking about James being happy.’
‘We slept in the same bed last night for the first time since . . . you know. It just didn’t feel the same. I didn’t feel the love and warmth that I usually do. It could have been just anyone lying there.’
‘It’s still raw,’ Megan said. ‘You’re trying too hard to move on too soon. You need more time.’
‘It’s not so easy to bide my time when his baby is growing inside of me – I feel like there’s a time limit on making things work.’
‘You have nine months.’
‘Probably eight,’ I replied automatically, like it made a difference.
‘Still, you’ve got enough time to slow things down. Let him sleep in the spare room a bit longer, make him earn your love back. Then you’ll start to feel it again.’
She was right, of course. I just don’t do beating around the bush; I’d rather get things done and draw a line under them and since I’d already planned to stay with James, there was little point in making him stew. There was something else I had to draw a line under. ‘Megan, there’s something I have to tell you.’
She was kneeling down, rolling out a mat, and looked up at me like a worried puppy. ‘What?’
My mouth suddenly felt dry and my words jammed a little in my throat as I paused, trying to think of a way to get out of the whole mess, looking somewhat better than awful. I could just delete the Me & You account and forget it existed. But that wouldn’t be fair to Andrew, and that aside, he could bump into her somewhere. I cursed myself for setting the radius so local.
‘I was wondering if you’ve thought about dating anyone?’ I went for a gentle lead-up, giving myself time to come up with a good reason for what I’d done.
To my surprise, Megan’s face broke into a grin; she was still on all fours on the mat looking up at me like a happy puppy. ‘As a matter of fact, I have,’ she said. A flicker of hope filled my chest. Perhaps she’d see the good in my intentions. She let out a small laugh but then looked a bit sad again. ‘It’s silly,’ she said.
‘Go on,’ I prompted.
‘I’ve really enjoyed having Sam around the place. I think we’ve got . . . I think there’s a connection.’ Her cheeks flushed.
My body became leaden. ‘Oh?’ No, no, no, not Sam. It was all so wrong. Andrew was broken and patched up, but Sam wasn’t fixed; he wasn’t even sure if he’d forgive Samantha the last time I spoke to him. My face must have said enough as she continued without awaiting a reply.
‘I know, I know. It’s too soon, neither of us can possibly be ready for a relationship, especially not with each other, blah, blah, blah. But it feels like there’s something there. I don’t know. He’s easy company and pretty easy on the eye too. Without Sam around, I’d still be pining for Mike.’
I gulped. ‘And you think Sam feels this . . . connection too?’ I hadn’t seen that coming. In fact, I hadn’t imagined either of them had done much more than mope since Sam started staying there.
‘I don’t know. I hope so.’
I decided I had to go ahead and tell her about Andrew – to try and convince her to meet him, mostly to appease my conscience, and also, to distract her away from Sam.
‘Don’t get mad.’ Her eyes darted towards me. ‘I thought you might want to start dating people at some point, so I set up a profile for you on a dating website – Me & You.’
I held my breath, awaiting her response. Slowly, she rose from the floor to face me square on, her arms folded. ‘What? Why?’ Her eyes narrowed as my chest tightened. I panicked, worried I’d lose her. Part of me thought I should have just kept my mouth shut. But if I’d learnt one lesson in the past few months, it was that deceiving my real friends was not a good idea.
‘It was when you were upset. I thought if I had some interested parties, and you felt ready or low or whatever, I could show you that people were interested. I used a nice picture and kept everything clean and honest and . . .’ I was babbling.
Megan raised a hand to her brow. ‘I can’t imagine why you would do that. Especially after what you did with Mike and the hotel.’ Her face turned red. ‘But I guess you’re the same meddling busybody you’ve always been, treating people like your pawns rather than friends or family. I wonder if that’s what James got fed up with? Perhaps he fancied sampling a normal woman who didn’t try to control him.’
We both gasped, and for a moment we just stood there, staring at one another. Megan was panting. Her words stung partly because they came from sweet Megan’s mouth and partly because they might have been true.
‘I didn’t mean that,’ Megan said eventually, softening her tone. ‘But sometimes you just steam ahead without a thought for other people’s feelings.’
‘But everything I do is to help others or save other people’s feelings,’ I said, becoming aware of a tremor in my voice. It was true – I meant no malice ever. Apart from that one time with Lauren and even that I regretted.
She shook her head and slumped against the wall into a silence that lasted too long. ‘I suppose there’s no harm done if it’s just a profile, not really.’ She sighed, and I really wished that were the case. I hadn’t got to that part. ‘So, did I get any interest?’ she sighed.
‘There were a few sleazy men wanting nothing more than a night between the sheets.’ I paused. ‘One called himself Mr Luvva, spelt phonetically.’
She winced. ‘It seems a good thing I’ve got my eye on Sam.’
I forced myself to carry on. ‘There is one seemingly decent man who got in touch,’ I added tentatively.
‘Oh?’ She raised her eyebrows in anticipation.
‘A primary school teacher. Very handsome.’ Would that do? I wondered. I couldn’t oversell him for fear of sounding too interested myself.
‘Well, I’m not interested. I want to be around for Sam – he needs me.’ She shrugged. ‘Anyway, all this chatter is doing nothing for your muscle tone, and I’m on the clock! Stand on the mat, feet hip-distance apart.’
And just like that, we were onto a new subject. At least everything was out in the open, though I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to now do with Andrew. He was all lined up, ready for a date, and Sam had come along and stolen Megan’s affections. I rolled my head around as instructed, and then my shoulders, but the tension still filled my chest. The deep breaths and stretches were doing nothing.
‘Don’t you at least want to see the teacher’s profile? You might want to go on a date to see if you get on?’ I said a little later.
‘I’m happy seeing where things go with Sam,’ Megan said again, glaring at me. ‘If Sam thinks I’m interested in other men, he’ll think I’m not interested in him.’
‘But Sam might not be ready for a relationship. He might not even be interested. If I were you I’d—’
‘Stop right there.’ Megan took me by surprise and I did as I was told. ‘You need to stop interfering in other people’s lives, Charlotte. I think the world of you and I know you’re a good person but you have to let people deal with their own crap.’
‘But—’
‘No buts. I’m dealing with my situation and anyway, if you’re desperate for a project, you have the small matter of a certain dating profile to decommission.’
I bit my lip. It was excruciating but she was right. She was making a huge mistake and I couldn’t stop her.
‘So you’re not curious about Andrew?’ I couldn’t stop it from popping out.
She boggled at me. ‘Andrew?’
‘The primary teacher.’
She looked at me pointedly. ‘No.’
Things were, once again, not going to plan.
Once Megan left, I did everything I could to avoid checking for messages from Andrew. I cleared out my walk-in wardrobe and the clothes I didn’t or couldn’t any longer wear, I took to the charity shop owned by the hospice out of guilt for not pulling my weight recently. I pulled out my last big purchase, the Missoni dress from Harvey Nicks, and looked at it. It was a nice dress but in light of everything it seemed so pointless – a thoughtless splurge that meant nothing but cost a month’s salary for most people. Yes, it was a nice dress but I hadn’t needed it – I stuffed it into the bag. I started to realise that it’s people that really mattered.
I went to the farm shop on the way out to Wilmslow and then came home and prepared dinner. James came in and placed his newspaper down on the table before kissing my forehead, a gesture that made my blood run cold rather than hot. It was just after six again.
‘How are you feeling?’ he asked.
‘Still a little nauseous.’
‘Will that go away?’
‘Maybe, maybe not. We should tell your mother.’
‘Yes, I was planning on inviting her over for dinner.’
I shot him a sideways look.
‘Perhaps we could take her out for dinner instead,’ he said hastily. ‘I’ll call her.’
I glanced over to the pans on the stove, tortellini bubbling away and a homemade sauce alongside it. ‘Fine,’ I said. He could have that for lunch the following day. Normally leaving a meal I’d just prepared would rankle me, but I didn’t care any more.
James called his mother and we both changed for dinner before taking my car to pick her up. Safe in the knowledge he had a designated driver, James didn’t need to start the age-old marital debate about who would drive home. However, if either of us needed a drink, that person would be me.
I’d sat in the back on the way there to allow Frances the shotgun seat next to her prized possession. I zoned out as she wittered on about how James was so successful and how he deserved so much pampering for working so hard. Fortunately, the blood pumping around my ears had a brilliant muffling effect. He wasn’t going to tell her of his little indiscretion, was he?
As we pulled up outside the Thai restaurant, Frances stormed straight in to request a table ‘near a window and away from the clatter of the kitchen’, while James came and opened the door for me.
‘I’m surprised you needed your headlights what with all that sunshine beaming from your arse,’ I snapped.
‘Charlotte, now come on,’ he said. ‘She’s just proud of her only son, as are all mothers.’
‘Will you be filling her in with regards to your pro-boner work?’ I smirked at my own pun.
‘What the hell has got into you?’ he hissed. ‘This language is not you, Charlotte.’
‘Answer the question, James. Will you be telling her about Samantha?’
He sighed heavily. ‘I wasn’t going to.’ I knew it. ‘She’s alone, Charlotte, and I’m all she’s got. She doesn’t need a worry like that.’
I didn’t argue about it. If he couldn’t see she wasn’t just a fragile old widow, there was simply no point.
Resigned to the fact we’d at least get a squeeze of positive zest from Frances, I sloped inside towards the glow of the restaurant.
She was already sitting at a table – by the window and away from the kitchen – perusing the menu. I sat down silently and James sat too, instinctively picking up the wine menu. ‘What do you fancy, Mother? Fizz? A nice Malbec? Chablis?’ His eyes flicked from top to bottom of the list.
‘I don’t mind, dear. What would you like, Charlotte?’ She smiled without displacing so much as a talon on her crow’s feet.
‘Actually, Mother,’ James said, ‘Charlotte isn’t drinking tonight.’ He took my hand in his, and once again, I failed to register any kind of penetrating warmth in his touch. ‘We’re pregnant.’
We’re? I suppose he did put in more practise than I had into the making part, I thought bitterly.
‘Oh, James, that’s wonderful!’ She stood up to lean over him and cupped his face in her hands before planting a kiss on his cheek. She then turned to me and nodded. ‘Congratulations to you too, Charlotte. This is wonderful news. I suppose this requires something bubbly.’ She sat back down and placed her napkin back on her lap.
‘Thank you, Frances,’ I replied politely, and James proceeded to order a bottle of champagne.
‘Well, we have a long history of powerful names on both mine and your late father’s side, James,’ she said. ‘Great Grandpa Milford, Uncle Aldwyn.’ I let out a sigh of boredom, which she caught but misinterpreted. ‘Of course, there were plenty of strong women in the family too, Aunt Athelia, Dahlia, my great grandmother and . . .’
‘It’s perhaps too soon,’ I said politely. ‘I’d like to at least have my twelve-week scan before allowing myself to think about names.’
Her face softened. ‘Of course. I’m just excited about my first grandchild. We can talk about this at a later date.’
The rest of the evening followed a similar pattern: James and his mother sipped champagne; James’s mother swaddled him in praise; James’s mother addressed me politely when necessary to do so and James failed to mention his affair. It irritated me because James knew his mother was cold towards me and even though he relished in her praise he must have known that telling her might have at least pushed her to warm to me. Coward.
‘I’ll have a small glass of that,’ I said as James topped up the flutes. He looked at me with an eyebrow raised. ‘It’s fine to have a little sip. Just half a flute won’t do the baby any harm – he or she is a tough Emsworth, after all.’ I smiled sweetly at Frances.
***
The following morning, I had my pregnancy confirmed by the doctor who booked me a dating scan since I had no idea of when my last period was. James had taken the morning off work to come with me despite me telling him it wasn’t necessary. The moment the doctor actually confirmed my pregnancy was bitter-sweet. It was what I’d wanted for so long, and I was excited about it, of course I was, but my dream of a picture-perfect family life would be forever tainted by what James had done. If I’d have found out a few months ago, he would’ve picked me up and swung me around in joy. The feeling of love would’ve bonded us. The three of us, but whilst my baby was attached to me via umbilical cord, James’s connection had been severed.
The doctor bombarded me with leaflets and information about pregnancy before a midwife appointment was made. It was all very straightforward, which was good, as the next job on the list that day was to tell Kate.
We’d arranged to meet in a tearoom near a local country park. I arrived first and picked a table in sight of the door, and Kate spotted me easily when she arrived five minutes late.
‘You’re looking well,’ she said, kissing my cheek and wafting Baccarat Rouge 540 my way. ‘Are you hungry? I fancy a salad.’ She shoved her sunglasses up onto her head and peered at the healthy offerings in the salad bar.
‘I might have a piece of that cake,’ I said, pointing at a homemade carrot cake that looked at least seven inches tall.
Kate frowned. ‘Since when do you dare eat cake?’
‘Since getting fat became inevitable. I’m pregnant.’
Kate’s eyes bulged. ‘Pregnant? To who? James?’
‘Well of course to James,’ I snapped. ‘Who else?’
‘I don’t know. Relationships are breaking down left, right, and centre. I can’t keep track. But congratulations,’ she added finally, before picking up a menu and glancing at it. ‘I’m going to order. Are you sure you want the cake?’
I nodded. ‘And a decaf Americano, please. I’ll grab a table.’
She joined me a short while later and sat back down. ‘So, pregnant? That’s great news.’ She forced cheer into her voice but I knew what was coming. ‘How are things with James? What does he think of it?’
‘He’s happy, I think. Things are awkward and tense between us at the moment but it’s bound to take time. We’ve told Frances.’
‘About the affair?’ She goggled at me.
‘No, James wasn’t keen on the idea, unsurprisingly. We’ve told her about the baby.’
‘I imagine she was thrilled her little prince could, in fact, produce little Emsworth swimmers?’
‘Pretty much.’ The waitress approached us and placed our drinks on the table. ‘Megan has a crush on Sam,’ I said, steering the conversation away from myself.
She gawped at me open-mouthed. ‘Really?’
‘Yes. Megan’s very keen.’
‘Wow,’ Kate said, sipping her coffee. ‘So are we going to try a bit of matchmaking?’
‘No way!’ I’d learnt my lesson. ‘As tempted as I am, no. Megan needs to do this herself.’ I sipped my Americano, becoming accustomed to the decaf taste.
‘A few months ago, who’d have thought I’d be the only one with the same partner trying to make things work?’
I smiled. ‘Nowt stranger than folk, my dad would’ve said. So how are things with Carl?’ I asked, remembering her outburst in the bar.
‘They’re good. I don’t know what came over me. Megan was right – the excitement of a new relationship wears off, and in Paris, we found excitement in it not being new, if that makes sense? Knowing one another and being confident together makes us more intense, I just hadn’t given us a chance because I was too busy worrying about losing the buzz.’
I nodded. I knew full well what she meant – it’s what comes after ‘the buzz’ that counts and it was one of the reasons bolstering my forgiveness for James. ‘It’s the not knowing that hurts in the end.’
She patted my hand. ‘I don’t know how you can forgive him.’
‘It isn’t just about me any more.’