Chapter Nineteen – Roxy

I wipe down the table the twins just left with a smile on my face. The smile that’s been there since yesterday.

“Where’ve you been hiding?” Iz asks as she leads Selena into the empty café.

I grin and walk back to the counter. “Everywhere and nowhere.”

Selena narrows her eyes. “Where did you disappear to on Saturday night? And why did Kyle disappear at the same time?”

Iz looks at her. “The same time?”

They both turn to me. “Oooooooh.”

“Seriously?” I put a hand on my hip. “We were talking.”

“The language of luh-urve.” Selena slides onto the stool in front of the counter as Iz giggles.

“How old are you two?” I raise my eyebrows.

“Come on,” she whines. “Spill it!”

“Ew. Brother.” Iz winces. “Not too much spilling.”

“Says the one I caught making out with my cousin.”

I almost drop the glass I’m holding and gape at Iz. “You what?”

“I might have kissed Si a little.”

Oh, now she looks out the window.

“A little?”

“Okay, okay! A lot. For a long time. Whatever.” She waves her hands. “This isn’t the point. The point is how successful was your “talk” with Kyle?”

I smile and look down. “I’m going to be vague and go with very.”

“’Kay. No more.” Iz puts her fingers in her ears. Selena grins, and I shrug.

No one needs to know any more than that. Saturday night belongs to me and Kyle. It’s so much more than just one night.

“But I’m kinda pissed, because it looks like I missed something pretty damn interesting.”

“Me kissing Si is not interesting in the least.”

Selena looks at me. “Kissing is an understatement. They were as close to sexytimes as someone can be with clothes on.”

“Hey, you can have sex with clothes on, y’know,” Iz interjects.

I raise my eyebrows. “And you’ve done this?”

Her lips curve. “The guy didn’t look the prettiest under the shirt, okay? But he could kiss like hell so I thought I’d give him a chance.”

“And?” I lean forward.

Iz whistles. “It was so fucking worth that chance.”

“Right. And Si?”

She holds a hand up. “Drunk.”

“Off three drinks?” Selena questions.

“Three very strong drinks,” she protests. “Give me a break, girls. I’m allowed to kiss a guy.”

“Iz, the way you were kissing him very nearly became indecent exposure.”

I raise my eyebrows.

“Well, wouldn’t that have given the oldies a shock?” Iz laughs and turns to me. “Where did you go, anyway?”

“Somewhere exposure wouldn’t be indecent.” I wipe the counter. “In fact, it was positively decent.”

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

~

I sit on my hands. This is near impossible.

Verity Point is so out of the way there’s no other towns for miles – just the odd farm – so there’s plenty of places to hold outside parties and bonfires and shit.

Tonight it’s a bonfire.

Tonight I’m surrounded by alcohol and I can’t touch a drop.

It’s harder than I thought. This is another thing that doesn’t feel right without Cam. Nothing feels right without him.

I can’t keep using him as an excuse.

No. It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. Drinking makes me forget he’s not here. Sitting away from everyone drinking makes it hurt a little less – as if I can simply pretend he’s somewhere with the guys. As if I can pretend he wasn’t never here. Wishful thinking will be the death of me one day.

A body sits behind me and legs stretch to either side of me. I turn my face into Kyle’s and grip my thighs tighter. He runs his hands down my arms and finds my hands. His fingers link through mine and pry them from my legs, settling them around my waist. I squeeze his hands and curl into him as much as our position will allow.

“Everyone’s looking at us,” he whispers in my ear. Amusement laces his tone.

“What? Have they never seen two people in a relationship before?” I reply loudly.

“Course we have,” Olly shouts from somewhere. “We’re just not used to the girl being a slut.”

Fucker. “Big words from the boy who never got lucky with his little dick.”

Everyone laughs around us, but it’s Kyle I’m focused on. His whole body is tight, his grip on me about to break my fingers.

“You know I’m about to go and break his arm, don’t you?”

I shake my head. “Can’t hit him for being right,” I say sadly.

“Rox…”

“No. He’s right. I was. I’m not afraid to admit that. Olly’s just pissed off because I never let him get any.”

“Then how do you know about the size of his dick?”

My lips curve into a smile. “He has small hands.”

Kyle lifts our hands and opens his. His fingers stretch out and his hand is twice the size of mine. He nods. “Hm.”

I laugh silently. He drops my hand and turns me in his arms so I’m facing him. His free hand slides through my hair, and brown eyes find mine in the faint light of the fire.

“All the same, the next guy that talks to you that way is gonna find himself in a hell of a lot of pain.”

I run my thumb across his jaw. “I can handle these assholes, you know.”

“I know,” he murmurs, moving his face closer to mine. “But I’m afraid they can’t handle you.”

“Can you? Handle me?”

“I can handle you and then some, Roxanne. Do you need a reminder?”

“You’ll need to do some handling if you call me Roxanne again.”

He kisses me and grins against my mouth. “You know I’ll remember that, right?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” I roll my eyes.

Kyle laughs, and it shakes my whole body. I smile and snuggle in closer to him, and his arm snakes round my body even tighter. For a moment, I forget Cam isn’t here. I forget it hurts. I forget everything except Kyle.

Sitting here with him now feels crazy. Being with him is like a dream and I’m afraid he’ll slip through my fingers if I don’t hold on tight enough. I’m afraid one day I’ll pinch myself and wake up and realize this whole thing has been another girly swoon in my own mind.

“How do you feel?”

His words pull me back to reality.

“In other words, do I want a drink?” I mumble into his chest.

He hesitates.

“Yes. I do.”

“Why?”

“Is this an episode of Dr. Phil?”

“Hey.” He pokes my side. “Don’t shut me out. If you feel like shit I wanna know.”

I take a deep breath. “I’m waiting for Cam to appear and rip it out of you, or for the two of you to play some prank on one of the dicks over there.” I nod to the corner. “I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.”

He whispers something under his breath and holds me tighter. I squeeze my eyes closed. My heart hurts – like really hurts. It clenches with every beat, and my stomach tightens as a sliver of pain travels through my body, taking all of me over. My eyes burn and my bottom lip quivers. Shit.

Is this grieving? Proper grieving? It must be. This must be what I’ve hidden for so long. What I’ve been running from. What I’ve refused to accept.

Grief is waking up every morning with a spark of hope only for that spark to be put out and replaced with a heavy heart. It’s holding onto memories and wishing for new ones. Grief is watching the door and watching for that person to walk through again, its listening for their voice in a silence you know will never be broken, and its waiting for them to come running round a corner they’ll never turn.

And grief is the slow breaking of your heart every time you realize they’re never coming back.

“Don’t forget, Roxy.” Kyle kisses my head and whispers in my ear, “Remember with me.”

“I can’t.” My eyes fill with those tears.

“You can.” His fingers stroke my hair. “Let’s go.”

“Where to?”

“Where no one can find us.” He stands and pulls me up with him.

“The gorge?”

“Exactly.”

His strong arm goes around my body and twists me into him. I slide my arms around his waist, trying to ignore the eyes I can feel burning into our backs. The urge to turn and say something is so strong. But that’s something the new Roxy would do. I’m the old Roxy. I think.

It hits me like a punch to the stomach.

I don’t know who I am.

I don’t know who I should be or who I think I should be. I’ll never be the person I was, but I don’t know who I will be, either.

I really am lost.

“I’m gonna take three guesses where they’re going!” Olly hollers across the field.

Before I can open my mouth, Kyle yells back, “You’re gonna need more than that. You gotta know what to do with a girl before you can guess right, Olly!”

I snort and bury my face into Kyle’s side. Again, everyone laughs, and I feel like turning and showing him the smug grin spreading across my face.

“I had two choices.” Kyle shrugs and we head up the path leading to the gorge. “I either punched him or made him look like an absolute dick in front of the girl he’s been trying to impress all night.”

I bite my bottom lip. “The latter was definitely funnier.”

“Glad you think so.” He squeezes me.

We’re silent for the rest of the walk to the spot he found with Cam. I’m certain this is my new favorite place. The seclusion combined with nature’s sounds makes it somewhere that shouldn’t exist.

It reminds me there’s perfection amidst heartbreak and despair.

I step away from Kyle and walk to the edge of the small stream rushing through. The orangey light from the almost-set sun creeps through the trunks of the trees on the other side, and dusk hangs over us. I know if I look up I’ll see the stars faintly twinkling and the moon hanging in the sky, bathing the area around it in a bright white light.

“The first time me and Cam found this place we walked the length of this stream. It stems from the mountains – further up than we went the first time I brought you here. There’s a tiny fall and water pools at the bottom of it. I was busy thinking how nice it was, but not Cam. No, he decided that pool would be the perfect place to throw you in.”

I glance over my shoulder. “What did you say?”

Kyle stuffs his hands in his pockets and shrugs a shoulder. “I told him to wait because there was probably a bigger pool of water we hadn’t found yet.”

“Bastards,” I mutter fondly. “You two have always been out to get me.”

“It was kind of his prerogative as your big brother.”

“Yeah? What was your excuse?”

“I think I wanted you to like me.” He grins.

A small laugh leaves me. “Obviously it worked.” I run my hand down the trunk of the tree next to me, feeling the rough bark against my fingers. “He used to steal my diary every now and then. He thinks I didn’t know but I did.”

“I didn’t know that.”

Thank God.

“How else do you think he knew exactly when and where to find me when I started dating?” I turn to face him. “He found out from my diary until I started a second one to throw him off the trail.”

Kyle laughs. “He thought he’d scared everyone off.”

“Nah, Cam wasn’t that scary.” Wasn’t. Wasn’t. “I hate saying that.”

“Saying that?”

“Wasn’t. Talking about him like he’s not here. I know he’s not, but it doesn’t seem normal.” I look down and Kyle walks up to me.

“You really haven’t talked about him to anyone except me, have you?”

I shake my head. “Would you? Would you talk about Iz if it was her?”

He stops and thinks, like it’s the first time this has occurred to him. “No,” he says slowly. “I don’t think I could.”

“It hurts to think about him as if he’s not here. He hasn’t really gone anywhere, you know? He’s still here in Verity Point. He’s in every corner we turn and in every doorway we walk through. His idiocy lives in our minds and the tricks you guys played are all over town. But him… He’s still in our hearts. He’ll never go. He’s not here, but he is. That makes no sense, I know, but only his body is dead. Everything else about him is still alive. I have to keep him alive somehow. I can’t face being without him.”