Chapter Nine – Roxy

“He’s driving too fast.” I’d looked at Selena, worry snaking its way through my body. I knew Stu had drunk more than the legal limit – that’s why I’d tried getting Cam in with us.

“Call Cam. Get him to tell Stu to slow down,” she replied, pressing down on the accelerator to keep Stu’s Honda in sight.

The repetitive ring buzzed in my ear as I called my brother. My teeth dug into my lip, peeling the top layer of skin away.

“What?”

“He’s going too fast, Cam. He’s too drunk to be driving like that. Get him to slow down.” I tried to keep my apprehension and nerves tucked away, but there was no fooling him. There never was.

“Rox.” Cam laughed. “Don’t worry. Stu isn’t that drunk. He’s in total control. Chill out, yeah?”

“Cam, I…”

The glare of the headlights coming toward us cut through the night sharply. Stu’s car swerved on the tight country road as he tried to avoid the oncoming car, but the line went dead at the same time a scream left my body and Selena slammed on her breaks. The blue Honda’s tires screeched against the uneven surface, skidding and spinning as Stu did his best to regain control of his car. The other car with his too-bright headlights went sideways into the bushes, the engine cutting.

I watched in horror as Stu’s car slid head on into a tree. The front of the car crushed against the broad, sturdy trunk, and steam billowed out from under the hood on impact.

“Cam! Caaaaaaaam!” My scream broke the momentary silence. I fell out of Selena’s car in my rush to get to him, to my brother, to make sure he was safe. Fuck the car. I just needed to know he was okay.

I yanked open the passenger side door. Cam was leaning forward, blood pouring from a cut on his head. His airbag hadn’t expelled, and he had grazes and cuts all over his face. One of his hands was pressed tightly against his stomach with his fingers curled into his shirt.

“Cam? Oh, God. Cam, Cam. Can you hear me?” I touched his face frantically, slapping his cheeks and pinching his nose as tears streamed down my face. “Wake up, Cam. Tell me to shut up. For God sake, wake up!”

He didn’t. He sat silently, his chest twitching erratically in place of a rhythmic rise and fall. Nothing else mattered in that moment. I just needed to know he was okay, that he was alive. That Stu’s stupid, drunk driving hadn’t seriously hurt the most important person in my life.

It felt like an age before I heard the wail of sirens and the pulsing blue lights. But still I refused to move. My hands were wrapped tightly around Cam’s, talking gibberish I knew would annoy him. I just needed him to tell me to shut the hell up. That was all I cared about.

“Miss, please come with me,” a voice said from behind me.

I shrugged hands off my shoulders. “No. I can’t leave my brother. I need to make sure he’s okay. I have to.”

“The paramedics can’t get to him with you sitting here. We’ll just go a few meters away. You’ll still be able to see the car,” the same voice said softly. I allowed them to pull me back from Cam, my eyes never leaving his still form. “Are you hurt?”

I shook my head. “No. I was in my friend’s car.” I move my eyes to the woman police officer guiding me toward her car. “He’ll be okay? My brother?”

“I don’t know anything until the paramedics have examined him. I’m sorry.” She sits me in the back seat. “Why don’t you tell me your details, and we can have your parents meet us at the hospital?”

“Hospital?” My eyes widened, flitting frantically from her to Stu’s car. Paramedics were swarming around Cam with medical equipment, and I needed to be there. More than anything I needed to be my brother’s side, holding him, telling him it was okay.

The officer held me back before I realized I was moving.

“It’s okay. Let them do their job, sweetheart. He’s in the best hands.”

“No. No. I need to be there. Be with him. Please.” I didn’t recognize the voice crying out. It was raw, it was pained. It sounded nothing like me. Nothing at all.

“You can be. At the hospital,” she says softly. “There’s nothing you can do for him right now.”

~

I broke. Shattered. Gave in.

For one glorious hour, I collapsed under the weight of the pain wrapped around my heart and let it consume me whole-heartedly. I let myself feel the burn of losing Cam more clearly than I have since the day he died.

And now I hate myself for it.

I hate it because the pain is stronger. It’s more noticeable. It’s heavier. It’s frightening and it’s panic-inducing. I hurt more than I ever thought I could and I miss him more feverishly than I ever knew.

So I need to forget. I need to put all the bullshit aside, bury the pain and hide the heartbreak, and get on with life. Right after I’ve stepped through the imposing gate towering above me in the waning light and stared at his headstone for a while.

I’ve never hesitated this way before. I’ve never been so scared to go in there and see his name carved perfectly into the marble or sit next to the grass that covers the space where he’s laid to rest.

I don’t know how I do it. I just know I do. Somehow my feet move, one in front of the other, and take me to his grave.

A few tiny leaves have fallen from the trees lining the section of the cemetery he lies in and sit on top of his headstone. I rub my hand across the top and brush them away, watching as they flutter to the grass, and lower myself next to his grave. I hug my knees to my chest and rest my head on top of them, turned so my eyes trace the letters of his name the way they do every time I come here.

His name. His date of birth. His date of death. The one line that sums his death up perfectly.

The sky has gained the brightest star it will ever have.

My words. They were all I could say when we ordered the stone, but nothing else would have fit him. He was the bright star in everyone’s life, so it’s only right that’s where he ends up. High in the sky, shining over everyone and lighting our way. There was no need to say he’d be missed; we all know he is and he probably knows it too.

“Light my way home tonight, yeah, bro?” I whisper, kissing my fingers and pressing them to the stone. “Miss you.”

I hold back the tears as I push up from the grass and walk away from him. Selena’s house is only minutes away from the cemetery, but I’ve hidden my emotions for so long they’re not noticeable by the time she says goodbye to her parents and we turn toward Leanne’s house for her birthday party.

“Is Kyle going tonight?” Selena asks.

I shrug. “I don’t know. Why would I?”

“No reason, I guess. Just that he ran off like his ass was on fire when he realized you’d gone to Layla’s the other day.”

“Only because he wanted to empty it over the floor,” I mutter dryly.

So I don’t actually care about what he did… That much. A part of me is pissed at him, but another part of me is still lolling about in a glowing bubble from him holding me for so long, and both parts know it wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t empty the vodka all over the floor.

“Good on him,” she replies brashly. “Personally I would have shoved it up your butt, but whatever floats his boat.”

I roll my eyes and push through the open door at Leanne’s. “Whatever. I need a drink.”

“Here we go,” she mumbles.

I ignore her and make my way into the kitchen. Olly’s standing by the fridge with his eyes following my every move. His lips curve upward as I approach, and he holds up a bottle of vodka.

“Can I get you a drink, Roxy?”

Like hell you can.

“Thanks, but I think I can pour my own drink.” I take the bottle from him. “I’m not quite helpless.” I grab a cup and pour it in, mixing it with some coke.

The drink, not the drug.

Olly leans in toward me and puts his mouth by my ear, his hand settling on my hip. “I can make you helpless.”

I rest the urge to roll my eyes and turn, gripping his collar. “Try it, Oliver, and we’ll see who’s really helpless by the end of the night.”

“That sounds like a promise.”

“Oh, it is, but you won’t like being helpless.” I glance at his pants. “In fact, I think nature already did the job for me.” I raise my glass in his direction, a small smile playing at the corners of my mouth. “Cheers.”

I leave him standing glaring after me, and move through into the front room. A glance around tells me Kyle isn’t here yet – if at all, and I relax a little. Both from the freedom him not being around gives me and because I haven’t seen him since I oh-so-elegantly smeared my mascara across his white shirt.

My drink goes down smoothly – too smoothly – and the others follow. One after another, no thinking, no counting, no anything except the liquid in my cup and the sweet oblivion creeping up onto me. Nothing except the music pounding off the walls and flowing through my body. Nothing except—

“You really don’t need anymore,” Selena says through a sigh as I pour another drink.

“Whatever,” I reply, my choice word for the evening. “Lighten up, Leney. I can still talk, I can still walk, and I can still remember my name.” I turn to her, smiling, the now full cup in my hand. “When I can’t do any of that, then I’ve had enough.”

I down the drink, feeling it join the already warm puddle in my belly. I don’t care what number drink that was. I just care about the swimming in my head…

And the blue-grey eyes looking into mine. Well, hello there.

“I don’t think we’ve met,” the owner of the eyes says.

“I think I’d remember you if we did.” I look over him. Light brown hair, strong jaw, fairly firm arms… “Yep. I’d definitely remember you.”

He smirks. “Then we should introduce ourselves.”

My lips move into a smile that mirrors his but holds more confidence. “Feel free to introduce yourself, but I don’t do names.” I take his hand and pull him into a dancing group of people.

He cups my hips with his hands and draws my body close to him. I slide my hands up his body to his neck as he lowers his head, turning his face into my hair, and he coaxes my body to move. I go with it and let him take control because this is the only control he’s gonna have.

The second we leave the control is all mine.

His hands wander, slipping to my back and down to my bum, his fingers probing through the material of my tight skirt. His breathes flutters my hair, his lips ghosting my ear, and I move my face toward his.

“Fucking hell,” Kyle’s voice says behind me.

I groan. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“What?” the guy in front of me asks.

My arms fall from his neck and Kyle’s hand clamps on one of them.

“You’re leaving,” Kyle orders.

I snatch my arm and glare at him. “Again? Really? Are you my fucking keeper?”

His eyes are hard and his jaw tight. “The way I see it you have two options. You leave by my side or slung over my goddamn shoulder. Either way, you’re leaving.”

“Who is this dick?” No-Name guy asks. “Your brother or something?”

“Not her brother,” Kyle responds. “And you’re one lucky jackass he isn’t here.” He turns back to me. “Choose. Now.”

Fine. You wanna play this game.

I grin sassily. “As tempting as your shoulder is, Kyle, I can still walk. But feel free to hold me up if you want to.”

He drops his head back as I walk past him, putting extra swing in my hips.

“Wait.” I stop walking in the hallway.

“What now, Roxanne?” he groans from behind me.

I turn to him. “If you throw me over your shoulder, would you slap my ass? If you would, I might have to reconsider my answer.”

His eyes flash with something between annoyance and heat, and tingles run through my body with the knowledge I’m affecting him.

Men.

This is what I can control.

And not even Kyle is immune to it.

“Get your ass outside,” he warns. “Don’t fuck me around, Rox.”

“Spoil sport.” I pout, walking outside. His car is parked in the drive, the only one there. “Let me guess; you want my ass in your car so you can haul me home?”

“And it’s a gold star for you,” he replies dryly, unlocking it and holding open my door.

“I’m getting good at this.” I flash him another grin as I climb in and he shakes his head.

This is fun.

He pulls out of the driveway. “I have no idea what to do with you, girl. I really don’t.”

My smile widens, and I shift in my seat so my body is facing him.

“Don’t say it,” he says gruffly. “Don’t say what you were about to.”

“What?” I blink innocently.

His eyes shoot a warning glance in my direction. “You know exactly what I mean. You’re just making a complete idiot of yourself.”

“So why do you keep turning up here and saving me like I’m a damsel in distress? I gotta say, your armor isn’t up to much, Sir Knight.”

“Because if I turn up and take you away, no one else has the pain of listening to awkward, drunken sentences like that.”

“Or…” I open the door when he pulls up outside my house. “You don’t want anyone to have me even though you don’t want me yourself.”

I slam the door behind me and fuck. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. At all. Uh-uh. Damn. Why did I say it out loud?

Oh yeah. Because it’s the truth. Isn’t it?

“And what the fuck does that mean?” he yells, following me into my back yard.

Well, might as well carry on and blame it on my “awkward drunken sentences” in the morning.

I spin, my hair flying around my shoulders, and put my hands on my hips. My eyes are dead on his in the darkness.

“What I mean is you’ve turned up to these parties twice now. Both times you’ve got pissed off when I’ve been dancing with a guy even when it’s my right to. I’m single, I have no commitments or promises to any guy and I can do what the hell I like.”

“I’m just doing--”

“Bullshit!” I punch the air, stamp my foot, and jab my finger in his direction. “Bull. Shit! You’re not doing this for Cam. I don’t believe that for one fucking second, Kyle. You get too angry and protective for it to be for him.”

“I’ve known you our whole lives. Of course I’m gonna protect you from the jackasses you insist on hanging with. I care about you, for fuck sake!” He runs his hands through his hair and turns, looking away from me.

“Of course,” my voice quietens, a sad tinge almost creeping in. “I forgot. You’ve known me forever. I’m Cam’s baby sister. How stupid of me to forget.”

“It’s not that.” He sighs.

“Then what it is? I am Cam’s baby sister. That’s all I’ve ever been to you.”

“Before? Yeah, that’s all you ever were. Now? No, Roxy. You’re not just my dead best friend’s little sister.”

My heart stops and whatever words I had ready to respond with lodge in my throat, leaving my mouth open as I stare at the back of his head.

“What?” I whisper.

“You’re not just his sister, okay? Fuck. I wish you were but you’re not. You’re so much fucking more than just Cam’s baby sister.”

“Kiss me.”

The words leave without my permission. They burst from my lips, not a plea but a demand. I’m not asking him to kiss me.

I’m telling him.

Kyle stops, his head turning to the side. His profile is illuminated by the moonlight, and I hate that he’s not facing me. I hate that all I can see is the back of him.

“What?”

“If I’m not just Cam’s kid sister, then kiss me. Now. Turn your ass around and walk up to me and kiss me like you damn well mean it, Kyle Daniels.”

“Rox…” He turns. “You’re drunk. You have no idea what you’re saying.”

“I’m not…” I pause as he faces me, his eyebrow raised. My arms shoot into the air in surrender. “Okay, I’m drunk. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m saying. I know exactly what I’m saying. I know what I want and I want you to kiss me.”

He takes slow steps toward me, almost stalking me, and my heart finds its beat again, thumping against my chest. I walk backward and my back hits the side of the shed, and I swallow as he moves toward me in the darkness, never taking my eyes from his.

“You really want me to kiss you? Right here?”

“Right here.”

“Right now?”

“Right now.”

Kyle stops in front of me and flattens his hand against the shed wall. I can see the heat in his eyes even in the darkness, and I can feel that same heat emanating from his body into mine. There isn’t a single part of our bodies that are touching but it doesn’t matter.

I can’t breathe. My stomach is clenching in excitement and my heart is pounding against my ribs. Blood and adrenaline rush around my body, and I’m hyper-aware of everything.

Of me. Of him. Of our bodies. Of our breathing.

“Against the shed wall?” he clarifies in a hot whisper.

“I’m already against it.” When did my voice get so breathless?

“I know.” He dips his head lower. “I’m just trying to figure out exactly what you’re asking me. “Kiss me” is kinda vague.”

“And also kinda clear.”

“Depends who you ask.” His fingers brush against my hip, sending shivers and tingles across my skin through my clothes. “And you’re asking me to pin you against your shed wall and kiss you. Right?”

Yes.

“Right?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking, Roxy. You really don’t.” He shakes his head, moving back from me.

My hands shoot out and grab his shirt, stopping him from turning away from me. “I know what I’m asking, Kyle. Don’t treat me like I’m stupid. You said I’m not just Cam’s kid sister, now prove it.” I look him right in the eyes, both showing him I’m serious and challenging him. “Or just tell me you don’t want to kiss me and go.”

Before I can say another word, his body flattens against mine and pushes me firmly into the wall. His lips crash onto mine, his fingers curl around my waist, and his other hand cups the back of my neck. I slide my hands up his chest and around his neck, my fingers sinking into the hair at the back of his head.

Soft. Hot. Hard. Probing.

All these words flit through my mind but none come close to the way I feel as he sweeps his mouth across mine, kissing me in a way I’ve never been kissed before. His tongue flicks across my closed lips, slipping between them when they part and moves across mine, exploring every part of my mouth, feeling me, touching me, possessing me. It’s primal yet loving, tightening every muscle in my body and turning my legs to jelly at the same time.

Intense.

The way this feels, the way we cling to each other, the way our lips caress and our tongues battle, it’s intense. It’s intense and consuming and it’s owning me, taking me over. It’s making me and ruining me, because I know nothing will ever top this.

No kiss will ever feel the way this one does.

“Like that?” he whispers, his lips brushing mine with his words.

I nod. “Like that.”

“Good.” He pulls me even closer and puts his knee between my legs, closing every inch of space between our bodies. His hand presses flat against the arch of my back and curves my body into his, and his thumb brushes across my cheek.

I open my eyes, looking straight into his, and hold my breath. I can’t calm the frantic pace of my heart or the speed of my breathing and I sure as shit can’t stop the goose pimples erupting over every inch of my skin.

“Rox,” Kyle whispers, tilting my head back slightly. I don’t speak; I look at him with my lips slightly parted, my eyes wide and my cheeks flushed, waiting for whatever he’s going to say next.

He doesn’t say a thing.

He kisses me again.

And I’m lost.