Sixteen
Carter
I covered with it anger, but deep down I was heartbroken. After all of the time Natasha had spent with my family and all of the moments we had shared together, she was heading back to Africa. Leaving us behind and throwing it all away for some place that left her with nothing but nightmares and pain. I didn’t know what she was getting out of it, other than a second chance to do some good. But she was doing good here as well. My kids were flourishing more than they’d ever have. Clara loved school now and Nathaniel was no longer failing mathematics. Joshua was finding a love for science because of all the experiments Natasha would do with him on their days off from school.
Why couldn’t she see that?
I could pay her more than a place like that would ever be able to. I could give her medical benefits an organization like that would never be able to afford. She could have a better life here. A better place to live. A safer place to work. Less children to look after. Was control what she wanted? Because I was willing to let her reorganize my entire fucking life if it meant bettering my kids.
We had all grown to love her.
I had grown to love her.
I was beginning to convince myself that she could’ve been the one. That Natasha could’ve been the woman after my wife that successfully opened me back up to the idea of having a woman in my life. But she was leaving. Like it was the easiest thing in the world for her. She was running back off to Africa with no regard as to how my children would’ve felt about it.
No regard as to how I felt about it.
The new nanny shocked my children, but cutting it off in one fell swoop was better than prolonging the agony. They were upset for a few days and kept asking about Natasha, but as time went on they stopped asking. We sank back into a normal routine of me having to wrangle them in the mornings while the new nanny got the lay of the land. Clara went back into a full-time schooling setting because it was convenient for the new nanny’s schedule and the boys became combative over their homework again.
But the weekends were nice.
Though Nathaniel kept asking if Natasha was still going to come to his soccer games.
I wished there was something I could do. I wished there was a way I could stop Natasha from going to Africa. But if she couldn’t see after all these months the beauty she had dropped into our world, there was nothing I would be able to do to stop her. I sipped on my scotch as I reclined on the couch while the kids played in the playroom upstairs. I could hear them tumbling about and Clara ordering around her brothers. Nathaniel was kicking a ball against the wall and Joshua was sliding down our indoor slide. Moments like this used to calm me. The alone time away from work and away from the chaos of my children used to bring me peace.
But Natasha had also begun to fill those moments. And now I simply felt lonely.
She had ruined that for me, too.
A knock came at the front door and I groaned. I didn’t know who the hell it was at my house, but they needed to leave. I closed my eyes and sank into the cushions, hoping whoever it was would leave us alone.
But the knock came again and I knew if the kids heard they’d come rushing downstairs.
I threw back the rest of my drink and set it on the coffee table. I got up and started padding towards the front door as another knock came. I heard the kids cease their movements as I reached for the doorknob, and I braced myself for the running of the bulls. They’d come stumbling down the steps to see who was at the door and poke their nose in business that didn’t concern them.
I could already hear them running down the hallway towards the stairs.
I opened the door, expecting to see a Jehovah’s Witness or a Girl Scout. I was ready to tell whoever the hell it was to fuck off. I wasn’t in the mood to be preached at and I didn’t want any fucking cookies. Unless it was Natasha coming to say she had changed her mind, I didn’t want to see anyone.
So when I opened the door and saw Natasha standing there, hope filled my chest.
Until she opened that beautiful mouth of hers to speak.
“I’d like to say goodbye to the kids, please.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said.
“No offense, but I’m the one with the Early Childhood Development degree. And cutting someone important out of their life on a dime like you did isn’t good for them,” Natasha said.
“Funny, coming from the woman that left.”
“They deserve closure.”
“They deserve the best. And you gave them that until you made an alternate career decision,” I said. “Now, they deserve to be protected. And seeing you is only going to hurt them.”
“See who, Daddy?”
I looked down as Clara shoved her way past my legs. Her eyes lit up when she saw Natasha and I knew what was coming. She launched herself at the woman as the boys barreled past, their arms wrapping around her waist as they held her closely.
“We’re so glad you’re back!” Joshua said.
“You missed my soccer game, but I can tell you all about it over lunch,” Nathaniel said.
“When you come back from vacation?” Clara asked.
My eyes locked with Natasha’s as her face slowly fell. She hugged Clara close before setting her down onto her feet. She hugged my boys individually for a very long time, and I could see tears already lining my daughter’s eyes.
“You come back, right?” she asked.
“Remember all those children I talked to you about in Africa?” Natasha asked.
“Yeah?” Nathaniel asked.
“Well, they need me,” Natasha said.
“We need you, too,” Joshua said as a tear dropped down his cheek.
“You guys are going to do so well. I know it. I’ve armed you with all the tools you need in order to succeed,” Natasha said.
“Please come back,” Nathaniel said. “Please don’t leave us.”
“But… who’s gonna tuck me in at night?” Clara asked.
“Your father, sweetie. Just like he’s always done,” Natasha said.
“Then who’s gonna get me all those books?” Clara asked.
“I’m sure your new nanny will get them for you,” Natasha said.
“We don’t like her, Miss Nattie. We like you,” Nathaniel said. “Don’t you like us?”
“Of course I do,” Natasha said.
She looked up to me for help, but I wasn’t going to give her any. I knew my kids. This was why I had done what I’d done. I didn’t hire a new nanny the next day out of spite like she probably thought. I did because it was the easiest transition for my children. They already went through this with their own damn mother, and now they were going through it again with Natasha because she was too damn selfish to know any fucking better.
And when she left, I would be the one picking up the pieces of my family again.
“Please don’t go,” Joshua said breathlessly. “We’ll be good.”
“This has nothing to do with you guys being good or bad,” Natasha said. “But I have an opportunity to help lots of kids. Kids who don’t have a daddy like you do or the money that you do or the opportunities you guys already have.”
“Then we’ll come with you,” Nathaniel said.
“You guys can’t come with me,” Natasha said.
“Will you come visit?” Clara asked.
Watching my daughter cry broke my heart. Natasha enveloped my children and pulled them as close as she could get them. I turned my head away, trying to choke down my own emotions as I shook my head.
Hopefully she learned a fucking lesson from this.
The rational mind of me knew they were resilient. This would hurt them now, but as the days went on they would heal. Children were wonderful that way. Always healing and forgetting better than adults ever could. But watching them cry into a woman I wanted to stay. A woman I wanted to keep waking up to and enjoying life with.
It was a little too much for me to handle as well.
“That’s enough,” I said as Natasha looked up at me.
Her watery eyes flickered up to mine before she released my children.
“When are you leaving?” Nathaniel asked.
“My plane leaves for Africa in three days,” Natasha said.
“Will you come back and play with us one more time?” Joshua said.
“I’m not sure if that’s smart,” Natasha said. “I don’t want to step on the other nanny’s toes.”
“Please?” Clara asked.
I watched her cup my daughter’s cheek as her thumb caught Clara’s tears.
“No,” Natasha said. “I can’t come play.”
My heart shattered. My daughter turned into me and wrapped her body around my leg. The boys took a step back, like they’d been slapped across the face.
I had no idea how I was going to pick up these pieces.
I watched Natasha stand as a tear fell down her cheek. I thought about offering to take her to the airport, but I knew it would be too hard to say goodbye. If the kids found out I had seen her and they hadn’t gotten the chance to, it would kill them. It would make them sadder and angrier than they already were at the situation.
And it wasn’t a guarantee I’d be able to let Natasha go if I went with her.
“I’m sorry,” Natasha said breathlessly.
I shook my head as a haphazard smile crossed my cheeks.
“Good luck,” I said. “And I mean that.”
“Do you?” Natasha asked. “Do you really?”
My eyes connected with hers and my heart sank to my toes. She had captivated me in every single way my wife had. Intellectually. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. She was everything I could’ve asked for the second time around.
Hell, she was everything I could’ve asked for the first time around.
I took a step forward as my children released me. I watched Natasha take a step back before her body stopped. I leaned forward into her cheek and puckered my lips, then kissed the tear trail on her face. I wiped it away with my lips before our noses nuzzled together, then our foreheads connected.
I breathed her in one last time before I stepped back to be with my kids.
“Have a safe flight,” I said.
Then I ushered everyone into the house and left her on the porch.
I sat the kids at the dinner table and got them all a snack. Some grapes, some cheese, and some apple juice. They were all emotionally drained. We all were, really. I could see the anguish in their eyes and the defeated stance of their shoulders. They mindlessly ate as I leaned against the kitchen counter, my mind reeling from what had happened.
Should I go after her?
Should I beg her not to go?
I grabbed an apple from the fruit holder and walked into the living room. I peered out the window and saw Natasha’s car still sitting there. I furrowed my brow as the car rocked on its chassis, swaying side to side.
Then the movements stilled and the car started up.
I watched her car until it disappeared out of sight. Down the hill of the driveway and onto the main road. She was gone. The woman I had allowed to come in and strengthen our lives was gone. And on one hand, I could’ve told her ‘no’. That she couldn’t have taken the job because she was working with me. But I was her employer, and unless I had a good enough business reason to keep her with me, I couldn’t deny her want to quit.
But part of me wished I had.
Part of me wished I had found a reason to keep her around. Part of me wished I had told her my plans for her. Maybe then she would’ve stayed. Had she known I was going to increase her salary and move her in, maybe she would’ve elected to stay with us. But part of me wanted her to stay because she wanted to. Part of me wanted her to stay because she felt connected to us in the way we had felt connected to her.
And it was obvious she wasn’t.
“Daddy?”
I turned around at the sound of Nathaniel’s voice.
“What is it, buddy?” I asked.
“Could we go visit Miss Nattie in Africa?”
“I don’t think so, buddy. She’s going to a really dangerous part of the country,” I said.
“But Mom always wanted to go to Africa.”
“How do you know that?” I asked.
“I remember her asking about it all the time,” he said.
I held my arm out for my son and he cradled himself against me. I bit into my apple as I gazed out onto the empty pavement. That place had been filled with Natasha’s car for the past ten months. Like it had been cemented and laid specifically for her to fill. I heard Nathaniel sniffle and it caused me to tighten my grip around him. Hoping that if I held him closely enough, I could suck the sadness out of him and transfer it to me.
“Why did she leave?” Nathaniel asked.
And it killed me that I didn’t have an answer for him.
“I don’t know, buddy,” I said with a sigh. “I really don’t.”