Eighteen
Carter
I stood at the stove cooking dinner for the kids. The new nanny had just left for the evening and I was stuck trying to figure out what to make everyone for dinner. It hadn’t been something I’d had to worry about in months, and now the concept seemed foreign to me.
It felt foreign to not have Natasha with us.
“Daddy?”
“Yes, Clara?”
“I miss Miss Nattie.”
“I miss her too, sweetheart.”
“Why won’t she come back?” Nathaniel asked.
“Because she’s following her dreams, buddy,” I said.
“Can’t she follow them here?” Joshua asked.
“She can’t. She had to be in Africa to do what she wants to do.”
“That’s stupid,” Nathaniel said.
“You watch your language,” I said.
I stirred the macaroni and cheese as the kids sat silently at the table. The new nanny wasn’t terrible. She was in by seven in the morning to get the kids fed and off to school. Then she picked them all up, brought them home, and helped them with their homework. I kept an eye on a few of the things Natasha had taught me to look out for. The boys’ moods when they got home from school and Clara’s exhaustion levels by the end of the day. Clara seemed to be handling full days at school better, but the boys were exhibiting signs of being too tired from their school days.
I made a mental note to tell the nanny to let them nap after school.
“What’s for dinner?” Joshua asked.
“Macaroni and cheese, apple slices with peanut butter, and milk,” I said.
“What kind of macaroni and cheese?” Nathaniel asked.
“The kind from the blue box,” I said.
“Oh,” Joshua said.
“You guys don’t want mac and cheese?” I asked.
“That’s fine,” Nathaniel said.
“What is it, guys? You can have whatever you want,” I said.
“When you said ‘macaroni’, we thought you meant Miss Nattie’s,” Joshua said.
“Does she make it differently?” I asked.
“Miss Nattie boiled noodles and made it herself,” Clara said.
Of course, she did.
“Well guys, I don’t know how to make mac and cheese from scratch,” I said.
“Could we call Miss Nattie and get the recipe?” Nathaniel asked.
“Oh! We could say hi! See how she’s doing!” Joshua said.
“We call Miss Nattie?” Clara asked.
I sighed at the stove as I continued to stir the noodles.
“You guys, Natasha’s not coming back,” I said. “And we have to be okay with that. She has a dream she’s following and we need to respect that.”
“But don’t you miss her?” Joshua asked.
“I do, buddy.”
“Then why don’t you tell her that?” Nathaniel asked.
I closed my eyes as my mind wafted back to that night. The night before she left where I had gone to her apartment and pleaded with everything I had. Her body had felt so warm and comforting. We moved like two dolphins weaving in and out against the sea. I had taken her over and over. Held her in my arms and made her cum until she begged for mercy.
But even after I reminded her of our chemistry and even after I had taken her out for one last dinner that night, she still said no.
She still left the next morning to go to Africa.
“Nathaniel, you remember that dream you told me about?” I asked.
“What dream?” he asked.
“The dream about you making your first soccer goal?”
“Yeah. I remember.”
“What if someone was asking you to give up soccer before you made that first goal?” I asked. “How would you feel?”
“I’d tell them to let me make my goal first, then I’d do what they wanted me to do.”
“But you wouldn’t give up your dream, right? You wouldn’t quit before you made that goal?”
“No,” he said with a sigh.
“Then why are you asking the same of Miss Nattie?” I asked.
“I don’t like it when you’re right,” Joshua said.
A grin crossed my cheeks as I chuckled.
“In this particular circumstance, I don’t like it either,” I said. “But Natasha has a plan for her life and we can’t expect her to give that plan up because we want her.”
“Need her,” Clara said.
I turned around and looked at my daughter as her eyes connected with mine.
“We need her,” Clara said.
“I know we do,” I said. “And sometimes, loving someone and needing someone means you give up what you want so they can have what they want.”
“Do you love her?” Joshua said.
I stopped stirring the macaroni and cheese so I could dump all of the contents into it.
“Because I love her,” Joshua said.
“Me too,” Nathaniel said.
“Me four,” Clara said.
“You mean three,” Joshua said.
“No… Daddy’s ‘me three’,” Clara said.
Tears lined the rims of my eyes as I stirred the milk, butter, and cheese powder into the pot.
“She’s right,” I said. “I am ‘me three’.”
“Did you tell her that?” Nathaniel asked.
“Tell her what?” I asked.
“That you loved her,” Nathaniel said.
“I didn’t.”
“Why not?” Joshua said.
“Because I didn’t want to make things harder on her than they already are. This decision for her wasn’t easy, and we have to respect it. If you guys want, we could try sending her a letter. We could draw her pictures and sign it with personal notes, and I’ll make sure it gets sent to the part of Africa she’s in,” I said.
“So we can’t call?” Clara asked.
“No, princess. We can’t call,” I said.
I finished making dinner for the kids, but it was pretty silent. The hurt was evident on their faces and I had no idea how to take it away. I had no clue how to make this easier or better for them. I was heartbroken for my kids and heartbroken for myself, but I knew Natasha was following her dreams.
And I couldn’t ever be upset with her for that.
She was an incredible woman who would have a lot to give this world. Her selfless nature and her caring heart would take her lots of places, especially in the career she chose. I saw her doing great things. Big things. Massive things to help improve the area of Bria. She would change lives and impact children in ways they would’ve never been able to dream of, and part of me was proud of her.
But part of me still hurt. Part of me was still angry that she left.
The kids and I ate dinner in silence before I cleaned up their plates. I had them go upstairs and strip down so we could do bath time while I loaded the dishwasher. I looked out at our backyard as the dishwasher started up, the chugging water filling the kitchen with noise as I stood.
If Natasha was still here, we would be enjoying a glass of wine.
I dragged myself upstairs and helped my kids to get ready for bed. Our nighttime routine had doubled in length because it was three against one again. I got them all washed, dried, and in clean pajamas, then we all piled onto my bed, so I could read them a bedtime story.
And when Clara handed me the book she wanted to read, I had to hold back a sigh. Because when I opened the first page, there was a written inscription from Natasha.
To the kids who have it all,
Never stop reading. It’ll take you on adventures even your father can’t buy.
Love,
Natasha
“If she loved us, she wouldn’t have left,” Nathaniel said.
“Stop. I won’t have you talking anymore about it,” I said. “I know you miss her. But Natasha is a wonderful woman who is following her dreams. I know you’re too young to understand that, but one day you will. And when you do, you’ll respect her for her decision instead of being angry at her for it.”
“I’m not angry,” Nathaniel said. “I’m lonely.”
“You’ve got me,” I said. “What am I? Chopped liver?”
“Miss Nattie understood me,” Nathaniel said. “No offense, Dad. But she got me.”
“I know how you feel,” I said. “She got me, too.”
“Do we have to read?” Clara asked.
“Don’t you want to do what Natasha asked?”
“Tell us a story about her,” Joshua said.
“Yeah, a story about Miss Nattie,” Nathaniel said.
“Please?” Clara asked.
I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break any more until that moment.
“Okay kids,” I said as I set the book aside. “I’ll tell you a story about Miss Nattie.”