THIS IS THE last day I'll be at the rec center for a while. I won't be around while they are doing the interior work. My boss decided, once again, it wouldn't be all that interesting. People want to see the building go up and the finished product, not literally watch the paint dry.
Jack did inform me that they will be publishing the bachelor edition of the magazine before the completion of the youth center to keep people interested in the project since Jeremy will be gracing the cover along with the winner and the third runner-up. And I hate that. I officially hate the first magazine cover I took photos for. Why? I have a sinking feeling that Jeremy is going to find someone after they read it, and I’m going to lose my best male friend.
What makes me even sadder is that today is coming to an end. I've grown to get to know these people on this project through the pictures I take. When they laugh, I try to capture that. If they are screaming about the windows and if they are flush, I capture that too. Each of the men here has a personality that makes them who they are. And I'm really going to miss that.
“Fox, watch out,” Theo, one of the workers, screams.
My clumsy self is too caught up in my own thoughts to notice the beam in front of me, and Theo is a little too late warning me because I trip over it. In an effort to save my camera from its ultimate demise, I use my other hand to break my fall. The impact wasn't hard, but enough that I scrape my palm along the concrete floor.
Jeremy runs over to me immediately. “Are you hurt?”
“Just my pride. That was embarrassing.”
“Let me look.” He takes my hand and begins moving my wrist back and forth; I’m guessing to test if I sprained anything. I didn’t.
“It's really okay.”
When he flips my hand over, he inspects the tiny cuts. “Come on; I need to clean this out.”
“It’s nothing. I can just wipe it on my pants, and I’ll be good to go.”
“Then you can sue me when it gets infected. I think not.”
“I wouldn’t.”
“I know. Just let me take care of you, Jade.”
Jeremy doesn’t let me walk, though. No, he picks me up in his arms and carries me to his truck.
“I can walk,” I tell him.
“I don’t want to risk you falling again.”
“I won’t. And people are going to question why you are carrying me.”
“Let them.”
He sets me on the tailgate while he gets something from the back of his truck: a bottle of water and a first-aid kit. After opening the water, he takes my fingers in his hand then starts pouring it over my palm. At the same time, his thumb gently wipes away the dirt and rocks that are there.
He looks me in the eyes and smiles. “This may sting a little.”
He pours some peroxide on the area he just cleaned, then blows. It helps ease the sting some, but it stirs something more, something that shouldn't be stirring, but it does because no man has ever taken care of me like this. He dabs the area with gauze and places a bandage on top of the scrapes, which aren't much. When he lays a kiss on my hand, I realize it.
For months, we've said we were keeping this light. Just sex. But every time we say we won’t, there's been a lot more slipping. It wasn’t until this moment that it hits me—all the rules we've broken. A tiny kiss here, a more than casual touch there. Talking for hours on the phone about nothing and everything.
And my heart skips a beat. Three beats to be exact, I love him it says with each thump.
This is not good.
“All better,” Jeremy says as he clears his throat and stands. Almost as if he heard what I was thinking.
“Yes, thank you.” We stare at each other as if we both are waiting for the other to say something.
When he opens his mouth to talk, his phone rings. He doesn't look at it before answering. “Slade.”
The look on his face changes while he listens. He holds up his finger and walks to the front of the truck. While he finishes his phone call, I take a few minutes to sit and think.
Before I can process what I'm feeling, Jeremy comes back. His eyebrows furrow like he's deep in thought. It's his decision face. The other thing he does when he's weighing his options is rub the back of his neck. I've seen him do that a lot here.
“You arranged that date tonight, right?” he asks me.
“Yes.”
“That's what I thought.”
“But I—” He cuts me off before I can tell him that I decided I’m canceling it, that I'd rather spend time with him and stop this whole online dating nonsense.
“That was Deanna.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.” He starts pacing back and forth.
“Oh.” I seem to be having a hard time getting words out. All I'm thinking is that this is not looking good for me.
“She wants to get together to talk.” He stops and looks at me.
“About?”
“She wouldn't say.”
“Oh.” Words, Jade. Use them.
“Yeah. What should I do?” He looks at me for an answer.
Don’t go. “You should go.”
“I should go?”
“Yes. And see what she wants.” Why am I telling him to go out with his ex? Why should I care? We have an arrangement. No strings. Only my strings are about to be cut loose, and I'm going to fall. Hard.
“I should go. And you should go on your date. Right?”
There's my answer. The feelings from just a moment ago were one-sided. Before the last string snaps, I gather up my camera and hop off the back of his truck.
“I should head out too. I have to shower and make myself look presentable. Thanks for doctoring me up.” What I’m really thinking is I should go before my heart breaks even more. I walk quickly, trying to make it to my car before he sees how much this is hurting me.
“Jade,” Jeremy calls to me. I pause before opening my door.
“Everything is good with us, right? I mean, you think we should stop our ... this?”
I swallow the lump in my throats before answering. “It's time. I'll see you around.”
He says something else, but I can’t stay and listen anymore. I'm five seconds away from tears, and I swore I wouldn't let anyone do this to me again.
It's the first time I allowed myself to step in front of the lens and put myself out there, but I wish I would have stayed hidden because looking at what I didn't have hurts less than not having what I want more than anything.
A SECRET STASH of chocolate and flavored vodka are my date night. I canceled my plans with Kevin, and he didn’t seem upset at all. I, on the other hand, am but not because of the stupid date. Because I’m an idiot and fell for the one person I wasn’t supposed to. Streaks of mascara would be running down my cheeks, but thankfully, I didn't wear any today.
Jeremy: How was your date?
I take a moment to respond, pretending that I am busy.
Me: I'm still on it.
It's not an actual lie. Two guys are here with me. Ben and Jerry. I moved on from chocolate to ice cream, and it tastes fabulous covered in marshmallow vodka. I’m watching every romance movie I can, weeping in my bed with a box of used tissues over my pathetic love life. Now, I’m just tipsy enough to respond. Desperate too.
Jeremy: It's midnight.
Me: I didn't realize it was so late. Did you go out tonight?
Jeremy: Shouldn’t you go back to your date?
Me: He’s in the freezer at the moment.
Jeremy: In the freezer?
Me: You know what I mean.
Jeremy: No, I don’t.
Me: He’s getting ice, for our drinks. How’s Deanna?
Jeremy: She said she wants to get together tomorrow.
That still leaves open whether he's going to meet her. And if he doesn’t tell me, it will drive me nuts all night. I’m now drunk and jealous.
Me: Are you going to meet her?
I'm setting myself up for heartache.
Jeremy: I don't know. Do you want me to?
Me: It’s not what I want; it’s what you want.
Jeremy: You're right, but I still want to know how you feel about it.
I hate it, but I can’t tell him that.
Me: We had an arrangement, and you have a right to walk away whenever you want. Do you want to stop?
Jeremy: The arrangement, yes.
It is what I am expecting to hear, but it still hurt. The last string that is holding me up breaks. Luckily, my bed is here to catch me.
Me: No problem. We said anytime one of us could call it off. I’d better go.
Jeremy: Back to your date.
I don't answer; I can’t answer because it’s over. I promised myself I wouldn’t get upset if he wanted to end this between us, but what I didn’t count on is that it would hurt far worse than my breakup with Nick.
My heart feels like it’s lodged in my throat, and I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
Instead, I grab another container of ice cream that I’ve added more alcohol to than frozen treat and decide to eat my feelings away. Somewhere in there, I call Lexi.
“Jade? It’s like one in the morning.”
“It’s over,” I tell her.
“Shit. Hold on.”
“I can’t hold on. I think I’m breaking, Lexi. I’m seriously hanging by a thread.”
“Jade, I’m grabbing my keys. I’ll be there in a few minutes. Just keep breathing.”
“Okay,” I tell her.
When she opens my bedroom door five minutes later, the phone is still in my hand. Me, I’m curled up in the bed, too sad to cry and too broken to move. My best friend curls up behind me and holds me as the first sob breaks through.
“He’s gone. I lost him. It’s over. I’m an idiot for thinking I could handle that type of relationship,” I tell her.
I lay there for what seems like hours, and my tears run dry.
“It’s going to be all right, Jade. Are you ready to talk?” Lexi asks as she sits across from me.
I hand her the phone that is open to Jeremy’s texts. Her fingers scroll through all them because I had them open to the beginning. Along with the photos between the messages.
“Jade, remember when you told me that Hunter and I are both idiots? Well, I finally get to throw the words in your face. You two are idiots.”
“If I’m an idiot, it’s your fault,” I throw back at her.
“How so?”
“Because it was your suggestion that I do this,” I yell back.
“I didn’t tell you to fall in love with him,” she responds.
“Well, you knew that I would. So I blame you.”
“Good. We hit stage two,” Lexi says.
I have no idea what she’s talking about, and it just pisses me off more. “What the hell, Lexi? You are supposed to be helping me.”
“After crying comes anger. So lay it on me, girlfriend. I got all night.”
She taps her hands to her chest as if she’s saying bring it on, and I can’t help staring at her.
“You’re an ass.”
“Did you just swear?” she asks with wide eyes.
“Fuck you, Lexi.”
“Apparently, Jeremy brought out a whole new side to you. Because damn, girl, you got kinky too,” she says as she holds up a picture from my phone.
Jeremy had grabbed his phone from the dresser next to us. The text before it says, Making fucking memories. My head is thrown back with my tongue licking my lips while Jeremy was behind me. His brow was tight, and his mouth was wide.
“Damn, girl? When did you get so . . . kinky?”
“Give me that. I forgot about that being on there.”
“How about the one after it? Did you forget that too?”
Good God, it was the moment after. Jeremy was kind enough to cover my boobs with his arm. I remember him telling me to say screw drive her. Yes, I thought it was a good idea at the time. And, yes, I even saved the pictures for future use. But what I didn’t intend was for my best friend to see my orgasm face. Maybe it’s the alcohol, but instead of getting embarrassed, I burst out laughing.
“And we hit stage three,” she says.
“What’s that?” I ask curiously.
“Laughing at your idiocy. At least you two look hot. My and Hunter’s pictures always come out grainy. Want to see?” she jokes.
“No. Give me my phone. Seriously, Lexi. What should I do now?”
“What do you want to do?” she asks me.
“Really? I don’t know. Take time. I need a vacation. Away from work, life, and men. I do know that I will never use a dating site again. I really like him, Lexi. But what if he wants Deanna back? I don’t think I can handle that.”
“Take time then. Who says you have to figure it all out tonight? Go away for a week. Clear your head. But if you really want him in your life, I wouldn’t wait too long. And judging by what I just saw, it’s obvious you want it, or those pictures would have been deleted immediately.”
“You’re right.”
“I know I am. What the hell is that by your bed?”
She points at the ice cream container. After I tell her what it is, she picks it up and tastes the melted concoction. Stage four, she informs me, is drinking with your best friend and complaining about men. Only neither of us complained. My heart is still broken. And I still have no clue what I’m going to do.