Chapter Eight
Reno and Sarah fell into a somewhat easier pattern to their existence. Dinners were not quite so uncomfortable, and she could tell Reno was making a real effort at conversation. He still avoided Molly except when it was totally unavoidable, but at least, he was making an effort to make Sarah feel more comfortable. The dreams came in intervals now, giving her some nights completely free of them. But she knew whatever she felt was still there.
She saw it in Reno’s eyes, too, this unspoken sexual desire. But he’d made it plain from the very first night. No sex. She was so careful not to let whatever this was break free, but secretly she suspected it couldn’t go on forever. And she was pretty sure he felt the same way.
Fall arrived and with it the football season. Often on Sundays, the three of them would troop out to the Vanetta ranch to barbecue and watch the games. The visits eased the weekend tension, allowing Reno to be part of the activities and still retain his remoteness from Molly.
The days passed in the routine they’d fallen into. Sometimes when he watched her, Reno had the urge to tell her how much she’d come to mean to him, but he was afraid to open that Pandora’s Box. He had enough trouble dealing with the threads of desire lurking in his subconscious. No Sex. What a stupid rule he’d established. At the time, he’d been so sure no woman would ever tempt him again. Maggie had destroyed his normal sexual desires, perverting them and degrading them, and he wasn’t about to make himself vulnerable again. Even if the situation was different.
Now, of course, he was hung by his own rules.
“I wonder what she was like before her husband was killed,” he mused one day when Tony asked how things were going. “I only know how she’s been since she came to work for us.”
“I would guess a lot like she is now,” Tony told him. “You don’t get to be that self-possessed and composed overnight.” He looked at Reno, searching his face for something. “Still fighting those feelings about your wife, huh?”
Reno shrugged. The last person he wanted to admit anything to was his brother. “Just curious, is all. She’s stepped into this whole thing so naturally.”
How could he tell anyone what was really in his mind? That he didn’t think he could any longer avoid the fact he was falling in love with her? That he wanted to change the rules of this ridiculous marriage?
****
Months passed since Luis Aguilar had escaped from prison. She told Reno maybe he’d gone home to Mexico to the obscenely huge estancia he owned, surrounded by his own private army. He’d probably forgotten all about his thirst for revenge.
“If only,” Reno said. “He’s probably waiting until we drop our guard and he can swoop in. That’s his style when he’s got someone in his sights. I won’t rest until that man is dead.”
In late October, Molly celebrated her one-year birthday. Painfully aware Reno would not want to be reminded of the date, she drove out to the ranch where she, Lindsey, and Jason celebrated the event. Molly didn’t seem to care that there weren’t a lot of people. Mary made her a chocolate birthday cake, and Sarah and Lindsey had a great time shopping for toys.
She realized Reno was aware of the date when he called her to say he’d be out of town with a client for a couple of days. That way he could avoid any reminder of the event. He never paid attention to Molly’s toys, anyway, so when he came home what she played with would be of no interest to him.
It broke Sarah’s heart, but she knew, at least for now, there was nothing she could do about it.
In November, Sarah took a chance and told Reno she’d like to have a big Thanksgiving dinner at the house. Invite her parents, the Vanettas, and Tony.
“I need to do something,” she pleaded when he frowned. “We’ve been to the ranch so many times I’m beginning to feel as if I’m a hospitality hog. I don’t want to impose on my mother by adding extra people, and I’d like to have a good holiday for Tony, too.”
“Fine,” he bit off. “We’ll have Thanksgiving. Just keep the child out of my way.”
Oh, goody, what a swell holiday we’ll have. Maybe, he can hang around and be the Grinch for Christmas, too.
Sarah shopped and cooked for three days, choosing the menu with care and refusing all offers of help. By the time the day arrived, she was in too good a humor even to be annoyed when Reno shut himself in his den for the morning. She knocked on his door when she went to get Molly from her nap.
“Everyone will be here in an hour,” she hollered at him.
“I’ll be ready,” came the muffled answer.
Sarah shrugged and went on upstairs.
She bathed and fed Molly, then dressed herself in a long hostess skirt and silk blouse she’d bought just for the occasion. Molly was adorable in ruffled pink and white. She had grown so much in eight short months. As Sarah came down the stairs, her nose caught the tantalizing scents of the roasting turkey, sweet potatoes, pumpkin and apple pies, and the spicy aroma of her special hot punch—all the Thanksgiving smells filling the house. They always gave her such a good feeling.
She had very high hopes for this holiday. The heat between her and Reno had been increasing in its intensity, no matter how carefully they tiptoed their way around it. Many nights Reno hid in his den while she headed for her bedroom right after dinner, and she knew it was just to avoid their being alone together.
She had finally admitted to herself that the erotic dreams weren’t going to go away, and she had feelings for this man with whom she’d entered into this strange marriage, feelings it might be time to explore—if she could find a way that didn’t bring them a tipping. She’d expected nothing out of this arrangement in the beginning except a child to lavish her love on. Now, it seemed Fate had taken a hand and turned things upside down for her.
Maybe this would be the night to heal whatever was wrong between Reno and Molly. The holiday spirit could open a lot of doors. Tonight, after everyone was gone, she’d find a way to test the waters.
Her parents arrived first, bringing wine and fall flowers, then Tony with more wine.
Lindsey and Nick arrived a few minutes later, both of them wearing an air of barely controlled excitement and bringing a box of their housekeeper’s special cookies. They insisted on seeing Molly and playing with her for a few minutes. Reno excused himself, announcing that he needed to carve the turkey and taking the sting out of what was turning into an awkward moment. When the little girl’s eyes began to droop, Sarah carried her upstairs, followed by Lindsey and Ellen. They all talked nonsense to Molly while Sarah put on her sleeper and settled her in her crib.
When everyone was seated at the dining room table, Nick lifted his wine glass. “I want to make a toast. Here’s to the newest Vanetta, who will be joining us sometime in June.” His eyes sparkled, and he reached for his wife’s hand.
“Do you mean what I think you do?” Sarah gasped.
“Yup. Lindsey’s pregnant. We saw the doctor yesterday afternoon.”
Sarah watched Reno, and his reaction to Nick’s announcement stunned her. His eyes were filled with such despair and longing she didn’t know what to do. She quickly jumped up from the table and hugged Nick and Lindsey in turn.
“I am so glad for you,” she told them. “That’s such great news. Does the doctor say everything’s okay?”
“Yes,” Lindsey told her. “I have to take it very easy again, and this is my last glass of wine for a while. But the doctor said he doesn’t foresee any more problems than before. This one might even be a little easier.”
“How wonderful for you. Isn’t that great, Reno?” She turned to her husband, who was trying hard to rearrange the expression on his face.
“Yes, it is. That’s terrific.” He managed a stiff smile. “Congratulations to both of you.” He shook Nick’s hand and kissed Lindsey on the cheek. “It will be nice for Jason to have a little brother or sister.”
The turkey was roasted to perfection, the sweet potato casserole fluffy and light, the yeast rolls hot and crusty. Compliments flew across the table. Everyone seemed immersed in the holiday spirit, and Sarah’s sense of expectation rose.
She kept an eye on Reno, and as the meal progressed, he visibly relaxed, although the amount of wine he consumed might have had a lot to do with it. She didn’t remember ever seeing him drink more than a glass or two except for the night of his strange proposal. She tried not to stare at him, wondering what he was thinking. But the flex of the muscles in his throat as he swallowed, the movement of his strong jaw as he talked, the deft way his long, lean fingers handled the wine goblet fascinated her.
Lindsey and Nick were the first to leave.
“Gotta get Mama home.” Nick winked, ushering his wife out the door.
Tony and the Madisons were the next to go. Sarah stood in the doorway, waving and smiling until the last car had pulled away, then she turned back to Reno. “Well, I thought everything went well, didn’t you?”
“Yes. You did a great job. Everyone enjoyed themselves.” He cleared his throat. “It was a wonderful evening.”
“Molly was good as gold when we had her downstairs,” Sarah pointed out. “Don’t you just want to give her the warmest hug?”
As soon as she looked at Reno’s face, she knew she’d made a mistake.
“Don’t presume beyond your job description.” His voice was harsh, his tone cutting.
Sarah’s heart shifted painfully, but she reached out and touched his arm, not willing to give up. If anything were to happen between the two of them, Molly would have to be a part of it.
“Just try holding her.” She made her voice soft rather than demanding. “Just once. Please. You’ll see. You’ll fall right in love with her. I just know it.”
Reno froze, then slammed the front door so hard the walls echoed with it. He nearly knocked both of them down in his haste to move away.
“You run this house,” he shouted, “you run the child, you run the basic structure of my existence, all with frightening efficiency, which I completely appreciate. That’s what you’re paid to do.” His eyes blazed with fury. “Leave it at that. Do not attempt to run this one tiny corner of my life. Can you not learn to mind your own business?”
She turned away with more grace than he had any right to expect. “I think I’ll go upstairs now. Good night.”
Sarah made it to the rocking chair in the nursery before she collapsed, forcing back the tears that threatened. All she could do for a long time was sit in the chair, shaking like a leaf, staring at Molly sleeping so peacefully.
Well, now what?
All day, her growing feelings for Reno had kept bubbling to the surface. Every time she sensed his eyes on her and raised her own, there was no mistaking the heat that flashed between them. Little shivers of anticipation had chased themselves along her spine as she’d thought of what tonight might bring. Would her erotic dreams finally come true?
The confrontation had destroyed all of that and wiped it away as if it had never happened. The harsh words lay there like unexploded bombs. She was as angry as Reno but wounded that he could say the things he did. Why had she forced the situation? She knew better. Clearly, after all these months, his head was still in the same place. He was a long way from dealing with whatever pain he carried. Trying to ease him into interacting with Molly hadn’t been a raging success. Even today, he’d found a way to leave the room when the little girl was downstairs.
She had been so sure, with everyone wrapped in the holiday spirit, that this was the time to try moving forward. Instead, she feared she’d only made things worse. What dreadful thing had happened to turn him against his adorable daughter? What tragedy in his life had closed him off from a child who was so easy to love? The hidden hope that their feelings for each other might be something real was swallowed up by the bitterness of the words he’d flung at her like so many sharp knives.
I knew better. That was a stupid thing for me to do. Now he’ll hate both of us, and any hope for the future is down the drain.
Whatever drove him might just end up destroying them all.
She kept listening for his car to start, wondering if she should go out there and make sure he was all right to drive. But she couldn’t face him at the moment. Her pain was too intense, too sharp. She was barely holding herself together as it was.
What was he waiting for out there? Was he planning to come back inside?
Then she realized, knowing Reno, he was waiting until he was sure it was safe for him to drive.
After a long time, she finally heard the growl of the engine turning over and the squeal of tires as he backed out of the garage. She managed to rouse herself and, assured that Molly was still sound asleep, went into her own room and took off her clothes. Throwing them on the chair, she pulled on the first nightgown she found in the drawer.
Tired to the bone, she crawled into bed, resisting the urge to pull the covers over her head. She closed her eyes, willing herself to sleep, praying that tonight the erotic dreams wouldn’t plague her. But her restless subconscious sought the pleasures she was denied when she was awake.
****
Cursing himself for his stupidity, Reno had slammed out of the house, not even bothering with a jacket. He’d gone to the garage and stood for a moment, breathing in the unseasonably cold evening, letting it shock the effects of the wine from his system. Bracing himself against the car, he’d waited a moment to make sure he was competent to drive. The last thing he needed was to be arrested for drunk driving. Secretly, he’d hoped Sarah would come looking for him, but after a long time, it was painfully obvious that wasn’t going to happen.
Finally, when his head had cleared and his hands were steady, he’d started the car and backed out into the street.
Reno felt sick to his stomach. Well, he’d done it now. What the hell was the matter with him? How could he say something like that to Sarah who deserved so much better?
As soon as the words had left his mouth, he’d wanted to take them back. Sarah looked as if he’d slapped her. Her face had gone paper-white, and her hands trembled. When he turned to say he was sorry, that he didn’t mean it, she was already gone. An intense pain had captured his heart, worse than the night he’d found out about Molly’s parentage. A pain that still stabbed at him.
Nice going, jerk.
That was the price he paid for drinking too much wine. Or anything. His mouth got ahead of his brain. Hadn’t he learned his lesson yet?
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Oh, God, how I want you. I didn’t even have the chance to tell you. I need you to let me put my arms around you, apologize, try to tell you how I feel. For a man who’s such a raging success in business, I certainly manage to keep screwing up my private life big time.
Reno banged his fist against the steering wheel.
You finally figure out you’re in love with the woman, so you show it by insulting her. Big time. Way to go, jerk-off.
He’d give anything if he could take back the words he’d flung at her. What Sarah had done was the most natural thing in the world, connecting father and child on a holiday. Her intentions came from the heart. Unfortunately, she had no idea why he felt the way he did.
It was all that damn wine he’d drunk, way past his two-glass limit. Still, a drink seemed the only logical choice to blunt his pain. And he knew right where he could get one. Nick’s office, where he kept liquor for celebratory drinks.
For everyone but me and rightfully so.
They had keys to each other’s offices, so access there wasn’t a problem, but the cabinet with the liquor was also locked.
Shit. Paranoid son of a bitch.
In his own office, he dug through a junk drawer, looking for anything to help, finally coming up with a screwdriver. Nick would kill him for sure, he thought, as he worked to pry open the lock, but this was an emergency. At last, the cabinet was open, the door hanging lopsided. Pulling out a bottle of bourbon, he poured a shot straight and raised the glass.
“To the world’s greatest screw-up,” he toasted himself and gulped down the liquid. Then he refilled the glass, took it and the bottle back to his office, and sprawled on the couch.
But one drink followed another and soon all he could think of was Sarah. He still remembered that clumsy scene in her bedroom the night of the wedding ceremony, felt the softness of her mouth when he’d touched it, the silkiness of her skin against his palms. The heady scent of her perfume still lingered in his nostrils. He knew he couldn’t run from the truth any longer. All those nights he’d lain awake in his bedroom craving her, all those erotic dreams when he’d fucked her every way possible. His body had been sending him messages. So had his heart, but he was too bitter to recognize it
Desire had grown within him all day today. He’d been impatient for everyone to leave so they could be alone, and he could try to tell her how he felt. He was filled with an almost overpowering need to make love to her and tell her how she’d made a place for herself in his heart. Then in seconds, with a few thoughtless words, he’d killed that chance.
So Maggie had made a fool of him, played a cruel joke on him. He was the one who’d gotten into the mess to begin with, and he was the one who refused to deal with its aftermath. Everyone was right. He’d turned into a self-pitying wreck that no one even wanted to be around anymore, including himself.
He wanted what Nick and Lindsey had—a loving marriage, children—and he wanted it all with Sarah. He was gripped with a fierce desire to hold her naked in his arms, her breasts warmly covered by his hands, her body arched against him. He couldn’t stand the thought he might lose her and he might not ever have that opportunity. Right then, he wanted her more than he’d ever thought it possible to want a woman. But what could he do about it now?
He had no idea how long he sat there, drinking steadily. The more he drank, the more depressed he became. What if she leaves me?
Panic coursed through him, chilling his blood. He didn’t think he could stand it without her. He could not lose her. Somehow, he had to make her understand, let her know how he felt.
He’d blamed what happened on the alcohol. It was easier than blaming himself. If he hadn’t gotten drunk, none of it would have happened. In his right mind, he’d have slept it off and waited for the sober light of day to plead his case. But the liquor had wiped away all sense of sanity, urging him to yet greater folly. He swallowed the last of the bourbon and headed for his car.
His alcohol-fogged brain had lost all ability to reason. He had no idea how he managed to get home without running the car off the road or into a tree. He hoped Sarah had not come back downstairs and set the alarm because he didn’t think he could remember the code tonight.