Chapter Nine
Sarah stirred restlessly in her sleep, twisting her body. The dream had engulfed her again.
A naked Reno stood beside her bed, holding his pulsating erection in his hand, staring down at her…
“I can’t wait.” His voice was thick with desire.
He didn’t bother stripping off her nightgown, just pulled it up to expose her body. He pressed her back against the pillows and pushed the gown up to her neck. She felt his heavy, naked presence as he lay down in her bed, caressing her, murmuring to her. Her hands, reaching up, touched hot, naked flesh covered with the now-familiar mat of chest hair.
She woke with a start, suddenly aware of the naked male body in bed next to her.
“Sarah,” he moaned. “Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. I’ve wanted to do this every day.”
Reno! Oh, god. She should push him away, out of her bed, but her body was primed for him, an erotic fog clouding her mind.
“Let me touch you like this.” His voice was low and husky. “Let me taste you, feel you. I want you so badly.”
At last. Oh, at last.
His big hands caressed her breasts, tugging at the sensitive nipples, laving them with a hot, wet tongue the way she had dreamed about. Nipping with little bites then soothing with the warm moisture of his mouth.
Bite them. She wanted to scream the words. Instead, she pressed against his body, sliding back and forth against the hair on his chest until her skin felt stretched to bursting.
He moved his lips to her mouth, and that’s when it hit her. The smell of alcohol.
Oh, god! He’s drunk! Does he even know what he’s doing?
“Reno.” She had to force the words out, his lips were pressed so hard to hers. She shoved at his shoulders and tried to squirm away from him. “Reno. Wake up.”
“Sarah, Sarah, don’t leave me. I need you, Sarah.” His mouth slanted over hers again, his tongue probing insistently, giving her a taste of herself. “I want you, Sarah. Please. We’ll be so good together.”
I want you, too, Reno.
“I’m so sorry,” he mumbled. “I never meant to hurt you. Don’t leave me. Please. I need you.”
Damn it! Her stomach knotted, and a dull ache began at the base of her skull. She wanted him to make love to her, but not like this. Never like this. All this would bring was disaster. She wanted to push him away, but he lay pressed heavily against her, making it impossible to move.
“Reno,” she shouted the word in his ear and dug her fingernails into his skin. She gritted her teeth and pushed harder. She didn’t want to raise her voice too loud and wake Molly. That’s all this god-awful nightmare needed. Somehow something finally got through to him, because he lifted his head, his eyes glazed from the effects of the alcohol.
“Wha—” He blinked. “Sarah?”
“Get off me. Now, Reno. This minute.”
He looked down at her, bewilderment etched on his face.
She knew the moment awareness struck him. His body recoiled as if struck by ice water. Just like that, the effects of the alcohol were banished as the truth struck him. Shaking, he climbed off the bed.
Shock replaced bewilderment on his face as his eyes raked over her, lying in a rumpled bed, nightgown pushed up, clutching the sheet like a shield. He took in his own nakedness, and all the color drained from his face. For a minute, he looked as if he would be ill.
“Oh, god. What have I done? Please tell me I’m imagining this. I didn’t mean…” He sat up and shoved his fingers through his hair. “Sarah, I’m so sorry. So very sorry. Oh, god. I just wanted…” His voice cracked. His throat muscles worked with his effort to swallow. “This isn’t the way I wanted it. Not the way at all. I don’t even…”
Even what? Want me?
He turned and stumbled out of her room without finishing his sentence, head down. After a moment, the sound of the front door slamming reverberated through the house. Slightly hysterical, she hoped he’d remembered to put his clothes back on.
She fell back against the pillows, trying to gather the tattered remnants of her scattered mind. She struggled to find a shred of self-respect and a reason for the way she’d almost given in to him.
Nice, Sarah. Where’s your self-respect?
Finally, the tears she’d been forcing back all night flooded her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks. She made no effort to wipe them away, just let them keep flowing. They were tears of rage as much as disappointment, in both herself and Reno. She wanted to scream, to beat the walls at the stupidity of what had just happened.
At last, she pulled herself out of bed and went to the shower, standing under it for a long time, as if she could wash away the searing memory of the night. She dried herself off, pulled a fresh nightgown from the drawer, and crawled back into her bed. She had no idea how she would face the next day.
There was no sign of Reno in the morning and no note, but Sarah wasn’t expecting any. In fact, his absence was a relief. She felt as if she’d been in a prolonged battle, her senses and pride battered and bruised. She had no idea how they were going to get past all this.
The memory of last night was burned into her mind—the brief but terrible argument, the deep, exhausted sleep she’d fallen into, and the dream that wasn’t a dream after all. She could still feel the imprint of his body on hers, the slide of their skin together, and his touch that had drawn her up the spiral into explosive ecstasy. As much time as they’d spent dancing around it, last night should have been wonderful, not the unbelievable disaster it really was.
On the one hand, she wanted to lock herself in a closet until she could forget what happened. On the other, she wanted to flay him alive, to let out every bit of her anger at the way he treated her, and not just last night. She was getting sick of his self-serving control and his refusal to deal with the past. It wasn’t just about the two of them. In the end, if he didn’t face whatever truth he was hiding from, innocent Molly would be the one to suffer. And that made her angry all over again.
The worst part of it was she’d gone and fallen in love with him. What kind of idiocy was that?
“Oh, Reno,” she whispered. “Why can’t you tell me the awful secret that keeps that haunted look in your eyes? Why can’t we love each other the way I know we both want?”
Well, it was all blown to hell now. Any chance they might have had was certainly wrecked by what had happened. If not for Molly needing her, she would have gone back to bed and hoped she didn’t wake up until next year.
“Oh, sweetie,” she whispered to Molly as she dressed her, “I think your mama has finally run into a problem she can’t solve. Whatever’s got your daddy hurting so bad is more than I can handle.” She pressed her lips to Molly’s baby-soft skin. “If it weren’t for you, I’d be gone in a flash. But don’t you worry. Mama will never, ever leave you. I just wish you were old enough to give me some answers.”
Molly cooed and reached up a chubby little hand, patting Sarah’s cheeks.
Tears pricked Sarah’s eyelids. No, there was no way she’d leave this child. But how could she and Reno get past this nightmare? Could they even talk to each other? What would she say to him, for God’s sake?
She made a pot of coffee, then burned her lip drinking it while it was too hot. But the strong, black liquid seemed to shock her brain into motion and allowed her to perform her necessary tasks. She had a child to care for. A self-indulgent collapse would have to wait.
The phone rang several times while she fed Molly breakfast. She ignored it, letting the machine pick up. There was no way she could talk to Reno right now, or anyone else, so she just listened numbly as the messages played.
“Sarah?” Her mother’s voice. “Darling, are you there? Can you pick up? I just want to tell you what a great time we had yesterday. Well, all right. Call me when you get back from wherever you are.”
I’m in hell, Mother. I don’t know if I’ll ever be back.
Four or five hang-up calls. Reno? What could he possibly say to her? Or she to him?
Then Nick. “Sarah? Can you please answer? I just want to talk to you for a minute.”
Not on your life.
“Please? Sarah?”
Two more calls from Nick, the message the same. Then a call from the ranch.
“Sarah? It’s Lindsey. I guess you must be busy with Molly. Please give me a call.”
Lindsey was the one person she even thought about talking to, but what would she say?
My husband hurt me last night with words that still sting. Then he got drunk, climbed into my bed, and I welcomed him with open arms. Until I realized he was stinking drunk.
The only thing she was grateful for was the fact she had realized his drunken state in time and pushed him away.
Wouldn’t that just make for great conversation?
She turned the volume down on the answering machine, but the ringing still drove her nuts, so she unplugged the phones. For a long time, she sat in the nursery with Molly, rocking in the chair while the little girl lay in her playpen and played with her toys. She wondered if her heart could possibly ache more than it did. Finally, needing the closeness, she picked Molly up and snuggled her in her lap, laying her cheek against the warm skin.
“Mama’s having a bad day, sweetheart. Maybe a bad year.”
Maybe a bad life.
****
Reno sat on the couch in his office, his head in his hands, sure he’d have to die to get better. What the fuck had he been thinking, breaking into Nick’s liquor cabinet and downing all that bourbon.
Don’t you remember what happened the last time you went on a bender, asshole?
This time he’d really outdone himself. Every time he thought of the scene with Sarah, he wanted to hide in a dark hole.
He was trying to decide if he was functional enough to make some coffee when he heard the outer door to the office open. Who the hell would that be? They’d given everyone the day after Thanksgiving off.
“Well, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into, Ollie.”
Reno looked up to see Nick standing in the entrance. “Go away,” he growled. “Leave me the hell alone.”
“Jesus Christ. Look at you. Your clothes are a wreck, your hair looks like it hasn’t been combed in a year, and it’s obvious you didn’t shave.” He sniffed the air. “Fuck. Is that bourbon I smell?”
Reno looked up at him and shook his head, then thought better of it as the hammers took up a rhythm in his head again. He just hoped to hell Nick didn’t notice he’d been crying.
“Jesus, Reno.” Nick crouched down in front of him. “What the hell happened? You didn’t look this bad during the Maggie crisis. Why aren’t you home with your wife and child?”
“It isn’t my child.” He spat the words. “And if my wife has any sense, she should pack up and leave me.”
Nick rose and shoved his hands into his pockets. “You want to tell me what’s going on?”
“Not really.” Reno scrubbed at his face. “I’m a miserable bastard. That’s what’s going on.”
“I’ll agree to that if you want, but I still want to know what the hell put you in this shape. You haven’t had anything but a glass or two of wine in two years.” He took a step back. “Did you do something stupid again?”
“Stupid. Yeah, that’s a good word.” Reno leaned against the couch, his eyes closed. “First, I blew up at Sarah, insulted her, said things she’ll never forgive. Then I got drunk, went home, and climbed into bed with her, naked. How’s that for a happy holiday?”
Nick was silent for so long Reno forced his eyes open and grimaced at the look of shock on his partner’s face.
“Is that why you broke into my cabinet and stole my liquor like some teenager? I’m sure there’s a saner explanation than that.”
“I wish I hadn’t had so much bourbon. How’s that for sane? I could probably use another drink to blot everything out. Maybe I wouldn’t hate myself so much.”
“Yeah, right. That’s a wonderful remedy.”
“The worst part?” He shook his head. “She realized I was drunk, finally got my attention, and pushed me away.”
“It’s a good thing one of you is smart. All right, enough with the self-pity. Go wash your face and pull yourself together while I make coffee.”
Reno flipped on the light in the bathroom, took a look at himself in the mirror…and nearly threw up in disgust. His eyes were bloodshot with circles beneath them. His skin had the slightly ruddy cast of someone who’d had way too much to drink. His clothes were wrinkled, and a motherfucker of a headache was building behind his eyes.
What the hell was the matter with him? Alcohol didn’t solve anything, especially for someone who didn’t metabolize it properly.
He turned on the cold water, splashed handfuls of it on his face, and finally ducking his head beneath the faucet to see if he could shock his brain into functioning. What a mess he’d made out of things, as if they weren’t already bad enough. How in the hell was he ever going to get past this?
He dried his face, raked his fingers through his damp hair, and returned to the office, feeling only marginally better.
Nick hung up from a call on his cell phone, slid it into his pocket, and handed him a fresh mug of coffee. “Don’t spill it, please.”
Reno wrapped his hands wrapped around the mug. “Thanks. But you better go home to your wife and child. It’s a holiday, remember? What are you doing here, anyway?”
“I came in for a file I wanted to review. It’s a damn good thing, or you might not have been found until Monday. I’m not leaving here until you tell me how this happened. Or do you want me to call Sarah?”
“God, no.” Reno took another sip of coffee. “That’s the last thing I want.”
“Then start talking.”
And so he did, laying out every sordid detail, from the day he approached Sarah about the deal, including the times he’d been miserable to her. He threw all his conflicted feelings on the table, figuring things couldn’t be any worse. Maybe it was time to finally bring it all out into the open. He didn’t know how long he talked, but he managed to get it all out. When he was finished, he was afraid to look at his friend. Afraid of what he’d see on his face. But the only thing there was compassion, and that made him feel even worse. If anyone deserved compassion it was Sarah.
The Reno Sullivan the world saw was missing this morning, replaced by a human being whose mistakes had all come back to haunt him in one big explosion. He’d finally managed to fall into the hole he’d been digging for himself.
“Jesus, Reno,” Nick said at last. “What the hell got into you? And to get drunk the way you did? What did you think that would accomplish? Remember what happened the last time you got into the booze. You’re supposed to be an adult. It’s time to start acting like one again.”
“I know, I know.” Reno rubbed his face.
“Well, you can’t stay here,” Nick told him. “You need to go home, throw yourself on the ground in front of your wife, and beg her forgiveness.”
“Go back to that house? That’s part of the problem, all the ghosts I live with. Sarah—”
“Is going to the ranch with Lindsey for the weekend. She needs to be away for the weekend to get some perspective on this. Ah, here are reinforcements.”
Reno looked up as Tony walked in. “Did you broadcast it to the world?”
“I can’t believe this is the same man who kicked my ass growing up and taught me self-control and respect for other people.” Tony’s voice held a mixture of both anger and disappointment. “This Molly and Maggie thing has left a festering sore on his soul. It needs to be lanced and drained before it becomes terminal.”
“Well, if we can’t help him patch this up with Sarah, it may not make a difference.” Nick paused. “He needs space to get some perspective here. He and Sarah both need to be out of that house until they can face each other and move forward. Can I dump him on your doorstep for the weekend?”
Tony snorted. “Do I have a choice?”
“Not much.” Nick laughed grimly. “Lindsey’s taking Sarah and Molly out to the ranch, and I damn sure don’t want to leave him to his own devices. And I do not want him alone in that house until he deals with the mess that screwed up his life. It’s hiding there, waiting for him in every corner.”
“Sure, I’ll babysit him. When you get done beating on him, I can take my turn.”
Reno looked from one man to the other. “What the hell got into me?”
“Be nice to know the answer to that.” Nick shook his head. “I think you were looking for one more way to punish yourself and took Sarah along for the ride.”
“You want to know something else?”
Nick narrowed his eyes. “You mean there’s more?”
“Oh, yeah.” Reno ran his fingers through his hair again. “I was jealous of you and Lindsey and the new baby coming. How’s that for being a good friend? I wanted a baby of my own, a child with Sarah. But I didn’t know how to change the rules.”
Nick sighed. “Well, you sure picked the wrong way to do it.”
“Do you think she’ll ever talk to me again?”
“Let’s hope so. But you’ve got to give her—and yourself—some time.”
“I wanted her, Nick, but I sure hadn’t meant for it to happen this way.”
Nick scowled at him. “And we’re done with the pity party.”
“Let’s go,” Tony urged. “We’ll swing by the house so you can pack a bag. I’ll come in with you and supervise.”
“And get him the hell out of there ASAP. He needs to shape up over the weekend so the staff doesn’t get a sniff of this on Monday. I’ll clean up the mess here in the office.”
“Done and done.”
Nick looked at Reno again. “Answer one question for me, and you damn well better tell me the truth. Are you honest to god in love with her? No bullshit. Say it out loud so we both hear it.”
“I’m not sure I even know what love is.” Reno rubbed his bristly jaw. “I just know whatever I feel is killing me. I couldn’t… I didn’t know how—”
“All right, all right,” Nick cut him off. “Will you do whatever we tell you to get her back?”
“Anything. I’ll do whatever it takes. I can’t lose her, Nick.” His voice was raw with need and hunger, the pain in his heart coloring his words.
“Okay. Then let’s get this show on the road.”
Following his brother from the office, Reno wondering how he, a man who had built a successful security business with nothing but grit and determination, had made such a fucked up mess of his life. And if, indeed, he could do what it took to salvage it.