“Mama.”

I laid my hand on her shoulder as I spoke. I’d deliberately walked into the kitchen with hard steps, making sure my footsteps struck the floor to alert her to my presence. She’d known I was there and had already been half-turning to meet me. She had a smile on her face, but it faded when she saw my face.

She cupped my face. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

Instead of saying anything, I leaned in and put my head on her shoulder, needing the comfort. She wrapped her arms around me and for a few minutes, I just let her hold me, hoping it would do something to ease the ache inside me. I’d finally fallen asleep at Tao’s last night, had even slept in late, but once I woke up, it'd all come rushing back to me.

You act like you want to break things off, and then the second I look your way, you come running back to fuck with my head again. It’s one hell of a play, Allie. I'll give you that.

A play.

He thought I was playing with him. Fucking with his head.

That was the kind of woman he thought I was.

A sob caught in my throat. Mom brushed her hand down my hair and made soothing noises.

I didn’t feel soothed though. If anything, the sounds made me cry harder.

She didn't stop. Didn't even speak for several minutes, but when she finally did, she kept it simple. “What's wrong, sweetheart?”

When she pulled back, I didn’t have any choice but to meet her direct look. It was a mother’s look, and I knew she would get the truth out of me one way or another. I needed to tell her.

“I’m such a fool, Mama.”

Her eyes went to my mouth since I hadn’t signed, and I'd kept my voice low. I didn't really feel the need to shout something that was so humiliating.

After a moment, she smiled and patted my cheek. “Come on, baby. Let’s sit down, and you can tell me about it.”

I let her guide me to the table and sat, trying to figure out where to start.

But she made it easy on me.

“Who is he?”

I looked up, met her eyes.

“Oh, honey.” She shook her head. Then, she signed. “You’re my daughter. Do you think I don’t know when you’re in love?”

“I’m not.” I signed back as well, but I needed to say the words. I wanted to say them, hoped I’d find the truth in them, but they sounded as false as they felt. Maybe I wasn’t in love yet – I sincerely hoped I wasn't – but I was damn close, and I hated it.

“If you’re not in love, then why are you hurting so much? Love is the only thing that will do that.”

I hadn’t quite cried myself dry yet, and a few more tears spilled free. Burying my face in my hands, I told myself again that I should have just walked away from anything and everything connected to Jal Lindstrom. Not that it mattered now. What was done was done. Lifting my head, I met Mom’s eyes.

“This guy…” I took a deep breath, and then signed alone because I didn't trust my voice not to crack. “I met him at the salon. He’s engaged, Mama.”

She closed her eyes. When she looked back at me, she shook her head. “Baby, that’s bad news.”

I wanted to laugh but knew if I did, I'd never stop. I could feel myself on the edge and forced myself to keep on track. “That’s only the beginning of it. Mama, he’s rich. Like–”

I couldn't say it.

I surged upright and paced over to the window, staring outside. Clutching the edge of the counter, I stared at the thick, leaden clouds that had piled up over the course of the afternoon. It was brutally cold and ugly, making the thought of spring seem far away.

I had to get it all out, tell her everything. The whole, ugly story.

Turning back to face my mother, I began to sign.

I told her about how Jal came to the salon. How he left his coat and the ring. I told her about how he called the salon and told Alistair he’d pay me a thousand dollars if I’d get him the coat that next day.

Her features grew harder and harder to read as the story progressed, and more than once, she started to say something, only to stop and indicate that she wanted me to continue.

I told her about the first event he’d invited me to, the dress that had been the one Paisley had wanted, and for once, I was the one who was picked first.

She stopped me then. “Honey…you were always first with me.”

“I know that.” Or, rather, I knew that she thought that. I gave her a sad smile. Of all people, she should've understood how I felt. Then again, she'd eventually found Tyson. Had TJ.

I had Tao, but I knew that, someday, he'd find the person who'd make him happy – okay, maybe more than one knowing Tao – and I'd become second in his life. I wanted Tao to be happy, so I was okay with that, but it still hurt knowing that the one person with whom I still came first, I would eventually lose.

Mom clapped her hands, startling me.

“Please tell me that you don't want this man because he’s with your sister!”

The accusation stung. Glaring at her, I said, “I didn’t even know who he was engaged to until we’d already started spending time together. How could you think I'd be so petty?”

I tried to hide how much her words bothered me, but I knew she saw it. Her face softened, and she moved toward me.

I backed up. I was struggling to keep the anger and pain back, but a touch from her would undo me.

Her shoulders slumped, and she stopped. “Allie, honey…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. But you can’t live your life comparing yourself to Kendrick’s other daughters. Your life isn’t theirs. I can’t give you the things Diamond and Kendrick can give Paisley and Mallory.”

“It’s not about things.” Pressing my fingers to my eyes, I tried to find a way to explain, but I didn’t know how. “You don’t get it, Mama. You just don’t.”

I started signing before I looked up at her, the words coming sharp and fast.

“You fit. I don’t. I never have. Kendrick loved you more than me. He gave me money and taught me things, but as soon as Diamond or his real daughters showed up, he was done with me. I didn't belong there. Tyson's a great step-father, and I love TJ, but I've never been a part of the same world as the rest of you. I don’t fit. Not anywhere. But for a few minutes, with Jal...I almost did.”

My heart lurched, twisted. Shaking my head, I skipped to the rest of it.

“It doesn't matter now. It’s over. Diamond was at the party last night. So was Paisley. They saw me dancing with Jal. You can imagine how well that went over. Diamond demanded to know what was going on, and when he asked her why she wanted to know, she told him to ask me. And he did.”

My anger shifted to Jal.

“And guess what…I’m the one who was manipulating him. I’m gaming him, playing him the fool. There's a surprise, right? That it's my fault? Apparently, he’d told Paisley he needed time, and it’s my fault. I’ve been using him, somehow setting this whole thing up. Because that's the sort of woman he thinks I am.”

Mom started to sign something, but I shook my head and turned away. I didn’t want to talk anymore. I didn't want to cry. I wanted to hit something, hurt something. I was tired of being the odd one out, never fitting in, never belonging.

I had been played. Played my whole fucking life, and Jal was no different. Maybe he hadn’t done it intentionally, but it happened anyway.

“Honey.”

A lifetime of respect had me turning to face her.

She brushed my hair away from my face, her milk chocolate eyes full of concern and love. “I can see that you care about him. But if he’d think you would do that sort of thing, then he’s definitely not good for you. Never mind the fact that he’s engaged. Forget your sister, even. We won’t even discuss the fact that the sort of men the Paisley Hedges of the world go after don’t marry girls like you.”

I managed not to flinch, no matter how much her words hurt. She was only saying them because they were true, but that didn't make them any softer, any kinder.

She continued, “He doesn't deserve you, Allie.”

That may have been true, but it didn't stop me from wanting him, even now.