Amber
I walked to the bed, sitting down on it, wondering what to do. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. Or rather, I should have known. People like Finn and his parents were all the same. They existed in another world, of which I could never be a part of. Anna’s words about how I was flighty just like the rest of ‘the help’ infuriated me. She knew nothing about me, and I hated being generalised about.
Sure, I didn’t have any wealth. But I had been brought up in a decent, loving home. I had been accepted into an Ivy League school, for Christ’s sake! But I would still never be good enough, in their eyes. And then there was the fact that I had just slept with Finn, letting him take my virginity.
My face burnt as I thought about it. I couldn’t believe that I had acted so wantonly. But it was like I was possessed by lust. I just hadn’t cared, at that point. I could still remember how wonderful it had been, feeling him inside me, after the pain had lessened. My eyes closed as I recalled the orgasms, and how mind blowing they had been.
I wanted to sleep with him, every night. I wanted to wake up to him, and have him do those things to me, again and again.
But what did he want? I thought of Lilah, so upset about her mother. That for a moment, she had thought that I was her, lying in bed with her father. She was a hurt little girl, and Finn didn’t seem to know how to deal with it.
Would he knock on the door, and come to me? But there was nothing. No knock. He was out there, in the living room, I knew. I had heard the front door open and close. I knew his mother had left. So why didn’t he come in, and reassure me? Take my hand, and tell me that the things his mother had said were wrong, and that he didn’t believe any of it? I knew that he wasn’t with Lilah; I had left her sleeping in her bedroom, having cried herself to sleep after I had finished the story.
No, he was by himself. And he was choosing not to come to me.
It was probably all too much for him. The fact that he had taken my virginity, and his mother’s words. Lilah’s meltdown. Too much. He would retreat, and run away, the way he always handled personal problems. The way that he had handled Erin’s death.
It was okay. I was a big girl. I would see through this contract, which would give me a healthy injection into my bank account, and then I would return to the States. To my real life. My heart ached at the thought. Leaving Finn, and Lilah. It would be as if I was leaving my heart behind.
I closed my eyes, resting my head on the pillow. I was in love with him. I really didn’t know how I hadn’t realised, up until now.
***
It was a silent trip back to the mansion in Toorak. I looked out the car window, watching the sun slowly sink over the sea. Lilah was asleep in the car seat. Finn was driving, but he didn’t glance at me. Not once.
It was okay. I could handle it. I tried not to notice that I was biting my nails, again. It was dark by the time we got to the house. Finn carried the still sleeping Lilah up to her bedroom, and I carried my bags to my room. Hopefully, I would just be able to crawl into bed and let the events of the day slowly dissipate from my mind.
No such luck. I was just about to get my nightie on, when there was a soft knock at the door.
“Come in,” I said, trying hard to keep my voice neutral.
Finn entered. He looked as tired and drawn out as I felt. “Amber,” he said, softly. “I think that we need to talk about a few things.”
I nodded, indicating that he could sit down. He looked at me, slowly. “Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?’
I laughed, but it wasn’t a humorous sound. “And how would I have done that, Finn? Just sat you down one day, and blurted it out? If you recall, we said that we shouldn’t get involved on a personal level. That this was strictly a business arrangement. Don’t you remember?”
“I know,” he said, sighing deeply. “It seemed the best thing. Things just got…a little out of control.”
I looked at him. “Are you saying you regret it?”
He sighed again. “I don’t know, Amber,” he said, eventually. “I sure didn’t regret it at the time. It was everything I hoped for, and more. But now…”
I felt my heart hit the floor. So, it was true. He was trying to back out of whatever was happening between us. “It’s got something to do with what your mother said about me, hasn’t it?”
His eyes widened. “No, Amber! Not at all. My mother thinks she is doing the right thing, protecting me and Lilah. Yes, she can come across as a snob. All that talk of ‘the help’. I can see why you’re upset.” He looked at me. “But I don’t think that way about you.”
“How do you think about me?” I wished I hadn’t said the words. They just marched out of my mouth.
“I think you are an unbelievably sexy, totally gorgeous woman.” His eyes darkened as he spoke. “But I just don’t know if I can carry on a personal relationship right now. That thing with Lilah today. It made me think, deeply. I don’t think I am completely over Erin.”
There. The words were out. At least he had admitted it, at long last. I stood up. “I’d like you to leave, now.”
“Amber…”
“No.” I walked to the door. “I will still be your fake fiancée, don’t worry. But nothing else.”
I held the door open. “Good night, Finn.”
He looked at me, as if he wanted to say something else. But then he sighed, and walked out.
I shut the door, climbing into bed with my clothes still on. The tears when they came were scalding. What an idiot. I had given my heart and my virginity to a man who was incapable of anything. What had I expected? That he would suddenly realise that he was crazy in love with me, and we would ride off into the sunset?
Stupid, I chastised myself. Get wise.
But my heart ached so badly I could hardly keep myself from sobbing aloud.