The drive home is quiet, the only disruption of silence being the occasional whimper that I can’t seem to prevent. When we finally arrive home, the club’s driver gives me a sympathetic smile from the rear-view mirror as I thank him before stepping out.
After washing my face, I pad through the house to the kitchen where I grab myself some herbal tea. I need something to calm my nerves, or I’m never going to sleep tonight.
How did we get here? I ask myself as I sit on the lounge in my bedroom. I should stay in Charlie’s room tonight. I’m sure Heath won’t notice that I’m not in bed. He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t tell me what’s going on in his life, and he doesn’t acknowledge me in something that was so monumental in his career. We’re supposed to be partners, a team, and yet I feel like we’re strangers living under one roof. I’m tired of sharing a bed with a man I feel like I no longer know.
Another tear breaks free, rolling down my cheek as I think back to our life. We’ve had so many firsts shared together, and now I feel like we’re experiencing only lasts. My back straightens and I instinctively pull my robe closed when I hear Trevor and Jenna’s voices carry through the house and down the hall. Preparing for Heath to walk into the room, I take a deep breath, only to be startled when a knock sounds at the door.
“Mom.” It’s Jenna. “Are you up?” Glancing at the clock, I see that I’ve been home for an hour already.
“Yeah, baby, come in.” I wipe my eyes before twisting in my seat when she enters the room. I give her a smile, and she gives me one in return, but unfortunately, it doesn’t reach her eyes. Her smile is just as sad as mine.
“You okay?” She sits next to me and places her hand on my shoulder, pulling me into a hug. This is something that I typically do to her, but I welcome the comfort. “What happened tonight?”
“I’m just sad.”
“Why. Did we do something wrong?”
“No, baby,” I tell her as I smooth down her hair.
“Mom.” I hear Trevor call from the doorway before walking in. He’s already out of his dress clothes and back in his basketball shorts and tank. “You okay?” Trevor’s brows are creased, worry written all over his face. It breaks my heart that my kids are consoling me like this.
“Yeah, I’m all right.” When I feel my nose begin to sting, I take a deep breath, trying to control my emotions. “Where’s your father?”
“He stayed,” Jenna tells me. “Ruby and Steve brought us home. He said he’d see us later.”
“He told me he’d be right behind us,” Trevor adds.
“All right. Well, go wash up for bed, and I’ll see you in the morning. We’ve got school.” They both roll their eyes and groan as they leave my room, shutting the door behind them.
The warm water relaxes my frayed nerves as it hits my face. I reach for the hand towel, patting my skin dry. After I place the towel on the granite counter, I grab my brush and run it through my chestnut hair. My hair is still shiny, although I can tell that it isn’t as thick as it used to me. Leaning closer to the mirror I really scrutinize my face. My pores are larger than they used to be, but nothing too terrible. I’m assuming it’s normal with age. The lines are more prominent around my eyes. Laugh lines. I run my finger along the skin of my cheekbones. It’s starting to discolor more. Sunspots. Nothing that continued usage of my high-end moisturizer won’t fix. My lips, still full as they were when I was younger.
I pull myself back, running my hands along my neck, checking for tightness. Is my skin starting to sag? I turn to the side to examine the slight rounding of my stomach where I’ve grown our three children. My breasts, now that they’re out of a bra, hang lower than I’d like. I have the body of a forty-year-old mother, and unless I want to spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, it’s not going to change all that much. I take a deep breath, stopping myself from over thinking why my husband overlooks me like he does. Other than a few stretch marks here and there, and a few extra pounds, I’m still the same woman he fell in love with.
I hear the garage door rumble through the stillness of the house. I pad over to our bed, pulling back the covers, getting in. When I glance at the nightstand clock, I see that two hours have passed since the kids came home. I open my Kindle, trying to distract myself, but my heart leaps in my chest when I hear Heath’s footsteps making their way down the hall. My gaze lands on Heath when he opens the door, entering the room and closing the door behind him.
“What happened to you tonight?” he asks without looking at me as he goes into the closet, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes.
“I went home.”
“Yeah…” His voice is slightly muffled from being in the closet. “I saw that, but why?” He comes out wearing only his boxers. “Are you upset about something? Wait… have you been crying?”
“Yes, I’m upset,” I snap, dropping my Kindle into my lap.
“Why the hell are you upset?”
“Why am I upset? Give me a break Heath, can’t you see? Do you not have any clue? First, you didn’t think you needed to tell me that you were up for an award. You remember to invite Steve and Ruby, but you didn’t think to tell your wife that you were nominated.”
“We’ve already been through this. Can’t you just get over it for once?”
I shake my head, unable to form the words for a rebuttal because I’m so angry that he doesn’t see it. “You know… If I had something substantial happen to me in my career, you’d be the first person I’d tell. You’ve always been my first person. Not Ruby, not any of my girlfriends growing up. I didn’t care if Kathy from high school knew that I had earned honor roll, or was nominated for class president. I told you first, and we weren’t even married then. I’ve always thought to tell you. And you used to tell me things. You’d tell me the little things that happened to you, and you’d tell me the big things. But lately, you don’t tell me anything.”
“Jesus, Whitney, I didn’t think it would matter.”
“Well, you thought wrong. It mattered to me because you matter to me. You don’t see how much you do and how these kinds of things hurt me. I feel as though I’m invisible to you, Heath. I’ve been feeling like this for a while now, and tonight was like the nail in the coffin for me. You didn’t even think to thank your family, and I can’t get over that. I understand your men are the ones who do the work, and I know you wouldn’t be where you are if it weren’t for them, but we should be the first people you thank. The kids and I are the ones who don’t see you for days. Sometimes weeks on end because you’re on location or you’re too under the gun to give us the time of day. They’re the ones who don’t get to see their father on the sidelines or in the stands cheering them on at sporting events. You almost missed Charlie’s basic training graduation–”
“But I didn’t,” he bites back.
“Heath, all I’m saying is that we’ve been the ones standing next to you from the beginning. We’ve sacrificed during your career. We’re part of the reason for your success, and it kills me that you don’t see that. That you don’t see me anymore. I feel as though I’m invisible to you.”
“That’s bullshit, Whitney. I’ve only seen you since I was a kid. I’ve only ever been able to see you.”
“Oh yeah, then what color dress did I wear tonight? How was my hair styled? What necklace was I wearing?”
He opens his mouth to respond, but then closes it, causing his lips to go tight. His nostrils flare as his eyes bore into me. He doesn’t answer me, because he can’t. “Whit–”
“I’m tired, Heath,” I cut him off. “I’m going to bed.” I roll over, turning off the nightstand lamp.
He couldn’t answer any of the questions I just asked him.
He doesn’t see me.