Typically, I spend the lunch hour in the break room, chatting with my colleagues, but not today. I spent the first fifteen minutes listening to Bev talk to me about everything but Jenna and her friends. According to her, she hasn’t heard a peep, and I shouldn’t worry.
Glancing at the clock, I see that I have another twenty minutes before my class fills back up with kids. I open up the internet and type in ‘condos for rent’ in my local area. I wasn’t lying to the kids about where we would live. I have no clue, but I don’t have an issue with Heath staying in the house while we figure this stuff out. Heath built that house for us, and I feel, besides the kids, that it is his greatest achievement. I’d never ask him to leave.
It’s times like these when I’m thankful to have not one, but two careers. Financially, I can do this type of thing and not take much of a hit. I know not many women can say the same thing, and that’s probably more than half the reason why they stay in unhappy marriages. Luckily, I make plenty as a teacher, and the royalties that I get from my book sales help with the kids’ college funds, so I know that their future won’t suffer when or if Heath and I take a break. My stomach drops at the thought.
“Hey.” A voice comes from the door of my classroom.
I look up. “Hey, Tony. Come in.”
Tony is a longtime friend of mine, who helped me land this job. Teaching on military bases is highly sought after, he gave the board a good word on my behalf and because of that, I’m now where I’m at. But Tony isn’t just any work buddy. He’s also married to my brother and has been for years. Even before it was legal, Tony and my brother Will considered themselves to be married. They’ve always said that whatever a piece of paper says will never outweigh what their heart feels. I’m beginning to agree with them.
“We missed you in the break room. What are you doing? Do you have another deadline you’re trying to meet?” He also knows about my extracurricular activity, and there aren’t a lot of people that I work with who know that I write romance novels. I try to keep the fiction part of my life separate from my real-life side. I don’t want parents to think that some deprived, sex addict is teaching their children. That’s why I write under a pen name.
“No deadline. Just some research,” I say as I lean back in my chair before grabbing my sandwich and taking a bite.
“What kind?” He takes a few strides over to me, leaning over my shoulder. “You better not be doing research-research, Whitney. You can’t be looking up how a threesome works, or looking at the latest dick pics on school computers. You know they monitor the usage on these things. Tumblr better not be in your search history, either. I don’t know how you can explain yourself out of that one.” His voice is low.
Smacking him on the shoulder, I laugh. “Geez, buddy, have some faith in me. Besides, I wasn’t born yesterday. That’s why I bring my iPad with me.” I give him a wink as I pat the case to my iPad. “I’m looking at places to rent.”
He stands up, running his hand over his mouth before bringing his gaze to mine. He drops his hand from his face and tucks both of them into his pocket. “So, you’ve decided then?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. “I think so…” I clear my throat, trying to rid myself of the emotions that I don’t want to get in the way of my decision making. “Yeah.” I feel the tears sting the back of my eyes. Jesus, this is hard. I shrug, trying to play this entire situation off like it’s no big deal. “I’m forty, you know.”
“Forty-one, but who’s counting.” He smirks.
I roll my eyes. “I’m not forty-one yet.” I swat at the air. “My life is halfway over, right? We need a change, Tony. I can’t keep banging my head against the wall, hoping that’s he’ll open his eyes. I’ve spent so many years trying to get a different outcome when I’ve been doing the exact same thing over and over, and nothing changes.”
“Does Heath know this? Know what you’ve been thinking?”
“He has to know, Tony. He lives with me. He sees how our relationship has changed.” I swallow, taking a deep breath. “I’m not sure he wants the relationship anymore.”
He leans against the counter that runs along the window. “Are you saying that Heath doesn’t love you anymore? I really don’t believe that, Whitney. I think you might be a little off track.”
I take a moment to think about this. “To be honest, I’m not sure what he thinks or feels anymore. We’ve changed, Tony. Lord knows I hate to admit that, but it’s true. I never thought we would be here, but we are, or at least I am. I have to do something. I don’t want to be eighty and think back on how different my life could have been. I’m tired of just existing and being.” I take a deep breath, wiping the tears that have started to fall from my eyes.
“There was a time when I could feel the love Heath had for me, and I’m not just talking about early on in our marriage when things were still new. I’m talking about years later. The first day of kindergarten for Jenna, Heath stood right next to me with his arms wrapped around me while my baby walked into her classroom for the first time without looking back. He whispered his love for me, telling me how proud he was to call me his wife and for our kids to have me as their mother. Now, I can’t even get him to attend one of the kids’ games.” I reach from the tissues on my desk, taking one from the box to blot my eyes.
“Honey, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I hate that you’re going through this because you deserve to be happy, and I always thought Heath was the one who did that for you. Life is hard, kids are even tougher, and both you and Heath have demanding careers. We know marriages change, some for the better, some for the worse. The question is are you willing to walk away from everything you’ve built?”
And he’s right. I know that. Life changes us. Kids and responsibilities change us from who we used to be to who we are now. Not everyone grows together, no matter how long they’ve been together. Life isn’t that black and white. From the moment I knew that I loved Heath, I never thought I would be facing a life where he wasn’t a major part of it. But here I am.
“Heath is all I’ve ever known. I can’t see my life without him. I can’t see myself not married to him. But I feel like if I don’t make a change, do something then nothing’s going to change, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to see myself years down the road feeling like I do right now. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to the kids, either. We’re supposed to be examples to them, and right now I wouldn’t want them to follow by our example.”
“Maybe you read too many romance books. No one has the perfect marriage. No woman has a husband who devotes every minute of their day worshiping the ground she walks on. It’s impossible, unrealistic. You can’t expect that from Heath.”
I roll my eyes again at his comparison. “Jesus, Tony. That’s not at all what I’m saying. Whose side are you on?”
He crosses his arms over his chest. “I’m on yours, sweetie. You know this. I want you to make the best choice for you and the kids.”
“I’ve told the kids.”
His eyes grow wide. “Really? Before speaking to Heath? Do you think that’s a wise move?”
I nod. “Yes, because I wanted to hear what their thoughts were on the subject.”
“All right, and what did they say?”
“Charlie said he was sorry. There isn’t much he can say when he’s on the other side of the world. Trevor was concerned, and Jenna didn’t really have any reaction, but neither of them said bye as I dropped them off. Usually, that means that they’re pissed at me, but this morning, I think it’s more because they’re hurting.”
He rubs the back of his neck, looking towards the ground. “I’m sure they were, Whitney. They can’t not feel hurt, not when their family is on the verge of imploding, but kids are resilient. They’ll get through this just fine. Probably better than you will.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, sugar pie.”
“I’m not looking for another lawn to stick my feet in, Tony. I’m trying to find a way to get my own grass to grow a little more.”
He stares at me without saying a word, then he stands up and approaches me. He wraps his hand around the back of my neck and places a kiss on the top part of my head. “Remember we’re here for you,” he says into my hair. “If you need us to take the kids when you decide to tell Heath, we’ll be happy to. Let us know.” Tony doesn’t say anything else to me as he walks out of my classroom.
I sit back down at my desk. Am I strong enough to take this next step?