It’s been ten days since I’ve seen Whitney.
Ten days since she told me that we needed a change and I walked out of our bedroom in a fit of anger and hurt. Ten days since I drank myself into a pool of self-pity. That wasn’t my finest moment. Neither was the moment when I woke up in a pile of my own vomit on the porch of Steve and Ruby’s house. I guess they took my keys, forbidding me to drive. I thought I’d show them who’s boss by refusing to stay inside their house. Never again will I spend the night on a wooden porch, drunk or not.
After I left Ruby and Steve’s, I spent the next few nights on the couch in my office. I’m not sure what was worse: their porch or my couch. I don’t know how many times I wanted to drive my truck back home to ask Whitney what she was thinking. To tell her that I loved her and our family, but I couldn’t do it. She hurt me. I might have been the one who walked out, but she was the one that held my heart in her grip, squeezing the life out of when she told me she wanted a change.
The kids. The look on their faces when I came home the first night after I knew Whitney was gone was torture. Their mother was no longer living in their home. They gave me half smiles, hugged me and told me they loved me, but I knew they were hiding their pain. The uncertainty of not knowing how their lives are going to be from now on. I couldn’t deal, shocking, so I threw myself into working on my truck. If I wasn’t at a job site then I was under the chassis, making sure it was running right for my scheduled guys trip. I needed to get away more than ever, but even the distance, the fresh air, and the time spent with my buddies didn’t ease the unsettling feeling I had the entire time I was there. I’m ready to take the next step and figure out where my wife’s head is at. This morning as I call Whitney, my heart dances in my chest. It’s the same feeling I had the moment I first touched my lips to hers. Whitney has been in my life for as long as I can remember, and as soon I was old enough to determine girls didn’t have cooties, I wanted her by my side. In school, I took a lot of crap from my friends because there were many times when I’d rather spend my Friday and Saturday nights with her on my family’s property rather than running the streets, picking up tail. I’m not saying I was a saint. I’d like to say that Whitney has been the only woman that I’ve taken to bed, but I’d be lying. I was young and horny. It took me some time to scrape up the courage to lay my heart on the line to her. When I finally did, she didn’t let me down. Not the entire time of our marriage.
And now I’m sitting here, waiting for her, wanting to lay my eyes on her, to hear her voice. I realize now that I’m the one who has been letting down this marriage, and I need to make an effort. Jesus, this isn’t how I pictured my life at my age. I never thought I’d be sitting at a diner, with clammy hands, waiting to speak with my wife about the fate of our marriage.
My head twists towards the windows as kids yell while they pass. They’re decked out in wind breakers, and beanies. The leaves that were once on the trees that line the street dance along the cement as they run by. This town is perfect, really. Not far from the beauty of the mountains or the crisp air of the coast. It was never a question for either of us to move back to our hometown once we graduated college. Little did we know that both sets of parents had plans to move to warmer weather once they retired, leaving Whit and me to navigate early parenthood on our own.
Checking my watch, I notice that Whitney’s fifteen minutes late. Being late is a norm for Whitney, but still, her tardiness isn’t sitting well with me. When I hear the familiar clicking of heels, I glance over to see her rushing towards the table. Her hips sway as she makes her way to me, and the quickness of her stride makes her tits bounce. I don’t hide the fact that I’m admiring every inch of her.
I stand before she gets a chance to take a seat at the table. I grab her by the waist, making her jolt in surprise. Pulling her to me, I inhale her scent. I love her scent. “You look great,” I murmur in her ear. My compliment catches her off guard making her breath hitch in her chest.
“Thank you,” she tells me as she pulls her body from mine, taking the seat across from me. She has a thin-lipped smile on her face which tells me that she’s nervous.
“Why are you nervous?” I ask.
“I’m not,” she shoots back, but I don’t believe her. The waitress approaches us and takes Whitney’s drink order. It’s just after four, so I know she’ll more than likely order a hot tea. “Hot tea please, with a side of lemon.” She gives the waitress a genuine smile while I chuckle. “What?”
“Nothing, babe.” I sit back and look at my wife. She looks great. She was right the other night. My mind has been in so many places over the past few years that I’m not sure when I last paid real attention to her. I drum my fingers as my eyes skim over her face. I feel a smile stretch at my lips as I watch her squirm.
“What are you smiling at? What am I doing here?” She crosses her arms over her chest. I wish she’d rest her hand on the table so I can reach out and touch her.
I pull my chair closer to the table, leaning into her. “I love you, Whitney.”
There’s a flash of vulnerability in her eyes when those three words leave my mouth. She opens her mouth, but I raise my hand, stopping her.
“I have to confess, Whit. You,” I take a breath, “you knocked me for a loop. I never thought we’d be here. The idea of you and me not living together has never in all these years entered my mind.” I shake my head. “But I get it. I do. My focus has been on my career, on making my business thrive, and I need you to know that I only did it the way I did because I thought you were confident enough in us. I know now that’s not the case, and I also know that’s mostly my fault.”
“Heath.” She sits up and places her hand on my arm. Just the smallest of contact puts my frantic heart at ease. “I know you did everything the way you thought you should–”
“That doesn’t matter,” I stop her, “because I was wrong. You were right. We need to make a change. We were both so comfortable with our life that if neither one of us took the big step, we wouldn’t change, and I don’t ever want to make you think that you are anything less than my everything.” I give her a small smile. “I don’t want to lose you, Whit. I’m scared shitless that I won’t be able to fix this.”
Her eyes begin to shine with unshed tears. She quickly closes them, wiping the dampness from her cheeks. “I’m scared too.”
“We’re going to get through this, babe. Please don’t think otherwise. Please don’t think this is the beginning of the end. I’m going to fix this–I’m going to fix us.”
She gives me a glassy-eyed stare, biting her bottom lip as her chin slightly trembles. She sniffs, drawing her shoulders up before she drops them. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I should’ve handled that night differently–”
“Don’t do that.” I shake my head. “Don’t feel guilty. You did and said what you thought you needed to. I’ve spent the past ten days thinking about things, about our life and I see where you’re coming from. I’ll figure out a way to balance everything in my life, Whit. I promise you that. You’re the most important thing in my life besides the kids, and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you never forget that.”
I can’t help but lift her hand from my arm. Her eyes flash with surprise but soften as I bring it to my lips. “You’ll see, Whit,” I say against her hand before placing a kiss on her skin. I put her hand back on the table, then push back from the table, standing.
“If you know one thing about me, babe, it’s that I’m determined. Just wait and see.”