Death is something I have lived with most of my life. But it isn’t until this very moment that I have ever truly contemplated it.

Or maybe it’s life that I am really thinking about.

I guess, in reality, life and death are one in the same. You can’t have one without the other.

You can’t experience happiness without knowing sadness.

You can’t love without having hated.

Sadness comes at a time of loss, weakness comes at a time of doubt. Drifter was the one who taught me that having both doubt and loss means you are living.

Having loss means you have something to lose and having doubt means you are pushing your boundaries.

I have loved and lost so much in my life and I have also doubted and overcame.

I have been to the point I never thought I would see another day and opened my eyes anyway.

One thing that I have learned through it all is that no matter how painful the loss is, no matter how bitter the hate is, and no matter how heartbreaking the sadness is…

Without any of it you have not lived.

Drifter taught me that.

Sitting in the front row of the service I look at the hundreds of men that surround us. Some in cuts of variations, others in military uniform, and some in suits. All with the same look on their face, all here for one reason.

Searching the crowd, I look for the one person who should be here more than anyone and my heart grows even heavier when I can’t find him.

“He will be here, baby,” Kodah whispers, holding me close.

I hope he’s right.

Next to us, Bailey sits with JB on the other side of her. Tears run down her beautiful face and I reach over and grab her hand.

An hour goes by as people close to Drifter, people I never knew, take the podium and talk about the man who gave me more than just a second chance at life. After the last speech, the priest faces me and I know it’s my turn. “Emmalyn, would you like to say a few words?”

Tears clog my throat as I nod. Standing up first, Kodah helps me up and walks me to the front. My body still beaten and sore makes moving just an inch a lot of work. Standing just a few steps back he doesn’t leave my side, he sends me his strength.

Clearing my throat, I meet everyone’s eyes. Still searching the room, I grow heavier when I still don’t find the ones I am looking for.

“I have never been to a funeral before,” I start, trying my hardest to keep it together, “and I have witnessed a lot of death.” People whisper. “Not a lot of people know this but Drifter is my adopted father. He gave me his last name when I couldn’t remember mine. He gave me a roof over my head when I had nowhere to go.” Choking up, I continue, “He gave me back a life that I thought had been lost to me forever.” Shaking my head, tears start falling and I keep going. “It’s because of him that I am even standing here today, and it’s because of me that he isn’t.” Feeling Kodah close the distance, he wraps his arm around my waist. “There isn’t enough gold or treasure in this world that would ever be enough to pay him back for all he has done for me. If he is watching me now, I just want him to know that I will not waste what he did for me. I will live my life to the fullest and I will make him proud. I want him to know that I love him so much.” Crying harder, I push out the last sentence. “I want him to know that even though he wasn’t my real dad, he would have made an amazing grandfather, and I am going to do my best to show my child the same strengths and courage that he showed me every day.”

Not able to keep going, I turn into Kodah and let him guide me back to my seat. Feeling Kodah hand me over, I look up and meet my dad’s sad eyes.

Pulling me in, he kisses me on the forehead. He gives me exactly what I need…the comfort of my dad, the support of my family. It’s because of Drifter that I am where I am supposed to be.

“Is there anyone else who would like to say a few words?” the Priest asks, drawing me away from my father.

“I do.” A voice booms from the back of the church.

All the hairs on my body stand at the sound of his voice.

Walking right past me, it takes everything to not jump out and stop him. To demand an answer to where he has been, to tell me why he hasn’t been here, to ask why he just left... to tell him I don’t blame him.

Looking over to Kodah, I see the same questions running through his mind.

Turning back to the front, I watch as Buck stands there. His eyes strong and steady look out to the crowd, but they never land on me… he looks right past me.

Clearing his throat, he begins, “I wasn’t going to do this. Honestly, I wasn’t even planning on being here at all.” Standing tall he continues, “Drifter was the realest man I have ever known. He didn’t deserve what happened to him and if I could, I would take his place in a heartbeat. But that’s the thing about Drifter, he wouldn’t fucking let me even if I could.” Bringing my hand to my necklace, I try to hold it together at the anguish in his words.

“I met Drifter nine years ago in a bar outside of Texas.” Everything suddenly disappears as his eyes finally land on me. “He was there because of the little girl he couldn’t find and I was there because of the little girl I couldn’t save. We didn’t know each other and were brought up in two completely different worlds. Yet both of those worlds brought us together that night, and a couple years later we found out that the little girl we cared so much about, the little girl who changed our world around was one in the same.” Pulling away from my stare he looks back out around the room. “That night at the bar I made my first and only friend. He showed me a life outside of what I knew. Drifter was the kind of man to have your back at a second’s notice. He didn’t care what it was about or what needed to be done, he was there. He was the hardest motherfucker I knew, but I had never seen another man care so much before. He was a true hero. He died doing what he knew was right and he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.” Taking a moment, his eyes land back on mine and all the air leaves my lungs. “That pain that you feel means you are alive, it means that you are living. Use that pain because it is a part of you, use it to honor him, use it to honor you and what you have been through. Don’t let his death sadden you. Let it encourage you to find your meaning in life, even if that means saying goodbye.”

His words may have been spoken about Drifter but his meaning… his meaning was meant only for me and I read the message loud and clear.

He’s leaving.

* * *

Pushing my way through the crowd I rush after the retreating form. Hearing my footsteps beat against the ground, he stops but doesn’t turn. Rain falls around us, like even mother nature can’t take the heartbreak.

“Where are you going, Buck?”

Turning to face me, the look on his face says it all. I automatically know that no matter what I say, no matter what I do, I’m not just losing one person today. “I can’t be here anymore.”

Feeling my throat clog, my chest starts heaving and desperation consumes me. “Don’t leave me, please… I can’t lose you, too,” I beg through trembling lips.

Unable to meet my eyes, he answers, “Emmalyn, you aren’t losing me-”

“Yes, I am!” I cry. “Don’t do this… What happened to Drifter isn’t your fault. Don’t punish yourself like it is,” I beg.

That earns me a reaction. “Girl, you don’t want to see the list of punishments I deserve. It should have been me with a bullet to my chest, it should be me being put 6ft under, not him! The things I have done, Emmalyn, have Satan himself shaking his fucking head. Kids died by my bare hands. I sat back and watched them get sold as slaves. I arranged it! I was head guard! I don’t deserve to be alive right now… yet here I am while he is being put to rest...”

“But you were forced to, Buck, you didn’t have a choice.” Shaking my head I grasp for straws, even though I know it’s pointless. He has made up his mind. I am losing him too.

“We all have a choice, Emmalyn.”

“You thought you were doing the right thing.”

Taking a step toward him he holds out a hand halting my movements. “It doesn’t matter…”

“Yes it does! I was there, I saw it all! I will never blame you for what happened there, Buck…I will only ever thank you.”

“Then you’re a fool.”

And just like that my grief turns to anger. “Fuck you!” Marching forward I throw my hands out shoving him as hard as I can, but he doesn’t move. “I’m not a fool, you are! If I could go back in time and rewrite my past, I wouldn’t. I would do it all over again. Because if losing Drifter has taught me anything, it’s taught me how precious every moment is. Every single second of life has a meaning… I never want to forget again because when I look back on my life, it all makes sense.”

Gripping my wrists from his chest, his eyes bore down into mine. An emotion I have never seen before crosses his face and all the anger seeps out of me.

“That’s where you and I are different, Emmy. When I look back on my life all I see is blood and death. You have always been the brightest star in my life. My biggest regret is not getting you out sooner, letting you live there as long as you did.”

“You kept me safe...” I counter, begging him to understand.

“I kept you a prisoner.” Letting me go he backs away.

“Buck-”

“Don’t Emmy. I have to go…for me.”

Tears start streaming down my face as I watch a man I have known most of my life, a man I love, walk right out of it. “Will you be back?”

“I don’t know.”

A gravitational pull moves me toward him, not able to give up. “I’ll miss you.”

More emotions flash across his face as he reaches out and runs his thumb across my cheek. “Yea, sunshine.”

Letting go, he turns and heads for his bike… Drifter’s bike.

Watching him walk away has me gasping for breath but something else has me reaching for hope. Maybe it’s my belief in second chances… or maybe it’s because I want to believe everyone has a happy ever after, but whatever it is, I hold onto it like a lifeline because now more than ever I need it to stay afloat.

“Buck!” I shout, causing him to pause. Turning around, he waits.

“What is going to happen to them? To Marx and Mo?”

Gritting his teeth, he looks away. “It’s over, Emmalyn.”

His meaning should scare me but all it does is cause my shoulders to sag. Going to turn around I stop him again.

Reaching behind my neck, I unclasp my necklace. Looking down at the small heart I can’t help but remember its meaning, what it has done for me.

This tiny little heart kept me pure, it kept me going, it reminded me that even in a world full of evil, only I had control of my light.

Walking up to Buck I grab his hand that lays stiff at his side and place the necklace in his palm and close his fingers around it. “I hope you find your reason… the reason that makes you look back and realize why it all happened the way it did.”

A few beats pass with both of us just standing there, his hand in mine.

“Me too...”

Freeing his hand, he turns and hops on his bike. Giving me one last look he leaves.

I don’t know how long I stand there in the rain staring after him, but the sound of footsteps coming up behind me brings me back.

Turning around I look to my father.

With his guard down, he looks to me with sadness and helplessness. My dad didn’t know Drifter and Buck like I did, but he respected them and he owed them my life.

Opening his arms, I run to him and sob into his chest.

So much loss and so much gain…

With his cheek rested on top of my head he holds me tight. “I’m so sorry, baby girl,” he whispers and I cry harder. “I love you so much, Emmalyn.”

Letting out a choked sob, I squeeze him harder. “I love you too, daddy.”