Moving on Is Not Letting Go

I WOKE ON the couch with my phone on my lap and a loud banging outside. It was almost midnight and I had another text from Baylor. Grumbling through the soreness radiating all over my body, I got off the couch and went to turn off the lights to head to bed, but the pounding started again. This time I heard a guy’s voice in the hallway. When I opened the door, I found Lucas sitting with his back to Casen’s door, knocking over his shoulder.

“Hey, man,” he slurred.

“What are you doing?”

“She won’t let me in,” he whined.

“Do you blame her? You slept with another girl.”

He banged his head on her door. “I’m such an idiot. She’s a good girl, man. I mean, the best, but damn if she doesn’t drive me crazy.”

“I get that, but you cheated, so I think it’s over, man.”

He dropped his head to his chest. “I know. I just wanted to tell her I was sorry.” He lifted his head and yelled, “I’m sorry, Case.”

I was surprised no one else was out here berating the drunk. “Dude, you need to go back to the dorms.”

“You’re right.” He pushed himself up, stumbling.

“Do you need my help?”

“No, I’m good. I’m not drunk. Just happily buzzed.” He smiled widely.

“All right, see you at practice.”

“Yep.” He slapped my back on his way down the hall.

I wondered if I looked that pathetic when I was drunk. Probably. I shook my head and was about to go back into my apartment when Casen’s door cracked open.

“Is he gone?” she whispered.

“Yeah, you’re safe.”

She opened the door a little wider and slipped out. “Thanks.” She pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

“Yeah, no problem.” I turned to go back inside, but she stopped me.

“Wait.”

I closed my eyes and focused on being normal. It was okay to have friends. It wouldn’t kill me. I spun around. “What’s up?”

“I heard about your girlfriend. I’m sorry.”

I clenched my jaw and squeezed my fists closed.

“I get it, if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then why did you bring it up?” I said in a low growl.

Her eyes squinted like they did when she was trying to figure me out. “I lost my brother a few years ago.” She blew out a cloud of smoke. “Car accident.”

I knew what she was doing. She was trying to find common ground, to relate, so I would talk to her about Tessa, but death wasn’t common ground. It was depressing.

“I didn’t know him all that well because he was ten years older than me. He moved across the country when he was eighteen, but he was a good brother. He called a lot and sent me presents. It sucked when he died.”

She took another long drag of her cigarette. I wanted to care about what she said, but really, I just wanted to go inside. I didn’t want to talk about Tessa or the accident.

“You don’t say much.”

I gave up. She wasn’t going to let me leave, so I leaned on the railing next to her. “I don’t have a lot to say.”

“Or you don’t have a lot you want to say,” she corrected me.

“Fair assessment.”

“Think Lucas will leave me alone now?” She bent down and scraped her cigarette across the ground and left it by her feet.

“Yeah. I think you made your point.”

“Coward. I guess if he really wanted me he would have tried harder.”

I looked over at her profile as she leaned over the railing. She was naturally beautiful, and while her words had a tough edge, her features were soft and her eyes were gentle. And she was clearly upset that chivalry died centuries ago. “You really liked him then?”

Her head dropped and she sucked in her bottom lip and she lightly knocked her toes on the foot railing. “Yeah, I did. We’ve been dating since freshman year. Two years is a long time to throw it away on a one-night stand.”

“You sure it was just once?”

Her eyes darted over, and if looks could kill.

“Why would you say that? That was a dick thing to say.”

I put my hands up defensively. “I’m sorry. It’s just I’m a guy, so I know how guys think.”

“Did you cheat on your girlfriend?” Her words were like glass cutting through my chest cavity.

“I would never,” I said softly.

“So then all guys aren’t the same.”

“I’m just going to dig myself further if I say anything else,” I surrendered.

We both looked quietly out into the garden now. It was peaceful standing next to her, given the circumstances.

“What was she like?” Casen asked carefully.

“Beautiful, fun, and feisty.” I looked her way and smiled, insinuating the obvious. “She smoked, too.”

She turned her whole body to me now. “Oh, really? Pot, kettle, black.” She moved her hands up and down like a scale weighing the hypocrisy.

I laughed for a brief moment remembering how Tessa would call me out on things, too. “She smoked weed, not cigarettes. She said it helped with her anxiety.”

“I don’t really smoke. That was my first pack. I actually hate it, but I didn’t want to waste money by tossing them. I figured I’d finish the pack.”

I shook my head dismissively. “That’s probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” I held out my hand, wanting the pack of cigarettes.

“Seriously?” She stood, shocked.

I jiggled my hand and nodded.

Her annoyed shrug filled the hallway as she went inside and came out with the pack. She slammed them in my hand. “Satisfied?”

I crushed the box immediately in my hand and smiled. “Yep. You’ll thank me one day.”

She studied me again as if she was trying to break some secret code. Break me. I wanted to save her the trouble and tell her not to bother, but I didn’t hate her company and she was my neighbor. Better to have a friend next door than a mortal enemy. Especially one with her fire.

“I’m going to head back to bed.” I held up the crushed box. “And I’ll get rid of these for you.”

She smiled. “Night.” She leaned back over the railing.

Before I went inside, I stood in the doorway and rolled my eyes over her body. Her foot bounced anxiously, and she fumbled with her fingers as she stared out somewhere beyond the apartment complex. And just for a second it was Tessa standing there, and then she looked back and smiled and I closed the door.

I stared at the box of cigarettes for several seconds, feeling a hurricane of emotions flood through me along with flashes of my life with Tessa. Her smile when I would pick her up for a night out. Her laugh when I tickled her on my couch. The passion in every kiss like it could be the last. It was like living a nightmare without her. Chills replaced the warmth that ran through my bones and my heart was left empty. She was the strong one. She was the one who made this all worth it. But she was gone and I was here crushing a box of cigarettes like it could possibly bring back what I lost. Like Casen could bring me back to life. But just for a second there was something. Small, but significant.

I looked at the cigarettes again and then to the front door. What if I could just give myself this one night? Just this one moment? What if I could find Tessa buried somewhere inside me? Feel her again? I stopped thinking, tossed the cigarettes onto the floor, pulled my door open, and pounded on Casen’s door.

And then there was only Tessa standing in front of me. Her blue eyes only for me. The smile that swept me away like the waves of the ocean. I crashed my lips on hers and they were Tessa’s, soft and passionate. Her fingers dug into my hair, clawing at me as desperately as my heart cried for her. I pushed her into the apartment, closing the door with my foot, afraid if I let go, Tessa would disappear.

Her breath was warm on my neck as I feverishly kissed my way down her jaw, and then pulling off her shirt, taking every part of her tanned skin in my mouth. Making her mine again. Claiming her as my own again. When I made my way back to her lips, she stopped me, her blue eyes silently asking if I was okay. If I would make it past this point. I didn’t know what would happen when Tessa was gone, and I didn’t care because somehow Casen had made me feel her again. I pulled her lips to mine again, taking all of her. Tessa was mine, and right now so was Casen.

Closing my eyes was easier tonight lying in Casen’s bed, my arm around her as she breathed deeply on my chest. Casen had found a way to brush away the cobwebs around my heart, and I wasn’t sure what tomorrow would bring, but when I closed my eyes and felt Tessa, I knew she had given me one more night with her. And tomorrow … tomorrow I would let go. Tomorrow I would move on, because tonight it finally sank in that Tessa would want that for me. She would want me to find a way to live without her. She would want me to move on. And tonight, Casen gave me a reason to try.

When the sun rose and Casen’s body moved against mine, I didn’t feel the need to flee. I didn’t want to rush out from another mistake. And when she rolled over and her eyes met mine with a big smile, I smiled back.

“So, that was something.” She giggled as she sat up, covering her naked body with the sheets.

“You okay with that?” I propped myself up against the headboard and took in her messy dark hair, glowing skin, and those blue eyes that reminded me so much of Tessa.

“Ummm, yeah, but it was kind of unexpected.” She fumbled with the sheets. “I’m just going to brush my teeth.” She rolled off the bed, slipping on a robe, but before disappearing into the bathroom, she looked back and asked, “Will you still be here?”

Any other day, any other girl I would have said no. “Only if I can use your toothbrush.”

She laughed and tossed me one still in the package. I held it up questioningly.

“I always have extras.”

“Makes complete sense.” I joined her in the bathroom, watching her in the reflection as we stood side by side brushing our teeth. Her confidence was radiant, and before she could sneak behind me, I reached out my hand blocking her way. She looked up shyly, standing on her tiptoes, wrapping her fingers slowly around the base of my neck and then, again, asking silently if this was okay. I wrapped my arm around her waist, lifting her up and pushing her lips on mine, devouring every piece of her. The passion between us continued in the shower and then back to the bedroom.

I held her for a while, combing through her hair, wondering what she was thinking.

“This doesn’t have to mean anything,” she said thoughtfully.

“I know,” I replied.

“I’m going to make coffee,” she said as she slipped out of bed.

I didn’t have a class today, so I wasn’t in a big rush. I liked being around Casen. There were no expectations. I put on my pants and walked out to the kitchen. Casen was humming while she scooped the coffee grounds.

“Do you know what time it is?” I interrupted.

“Just after ten. Do you have a class?”

“No, I’m good until practice.”

I made myself comfortable on the couch. Her sketchbooks were still strewn about. “Anything new since last night?”

“No,” she huffed as she handed me a mug.

“Thanks.”

She sat down and watched me as she sipped her coffee.

“Why are you staring?” I asked, amused.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but last night and today was about her, wasn’t it?”

I put the coffee down and rubbed the back of my neck anxiously.

“It’s okay if it was. I get it. And I meant it when I said this didn’t have to be a thing.”

“It started out that way, but I really like being around you. You’re easy.”

Her eyes widened with shock, followed by a loud short laugh. Then it dawned on me how that sounded.

“I didn’t mean you are easy. I just meant it’s easy being around you.” I shook off the embarrassment.

“It’s cool. I was just messing with you. I knew what you meant. So, what has you so uptight if it’s not her?”

“Her sister.”

“Ahhh.” She took another sip of coffee.

“She’s also my brother’s wife.”

“Whoa, maybe I slept with you too soon. You’re sounding worse than Lucas.”

“It’s not—It’s complicated. Really complicated. She was there for me when Tessa died and I just used it as a way to get by, but now I can’t talk to her. She keeps calling to check on me and be a good friend, but I don’t know how to be just her friend.”

“Well, she’s family, so you’re going to have to find a way.”

I dropped my head in my hand trying to rub the frustration away. If it could only be so easy.

“Want my advice?” She leaned over and placed her hand on my knee.

I rolled my head to face her and nodded.

“Tell her the truth. Tell her everything. Then apologize and move on.”

It had played out in my head so many times what I would tell her. That I loved her and didn’t know how to be her friend right now. That I needed space to get over Tessa and the idea of her. I practically had it memorized like a speech, but every time I tried, my mind went blank and I would say nothing. But maybe that was the answer. I had said goodbye to Tessa, and last night had pushed me through another obstacle, so maybe I was ready to tell Baylor the truth and then let it go. Move on.

“Thanks.” I stood up and went to grab my shirt.

When I came back out, Casen was sketching. She looked up and smiled.

“I think last night helped me, too.” She held up a sketch of a broken heart, but the outline in the space between the two halves made a ballet slipper.

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah, it is.” She put the book down on the table and stood in front of me. “Look, last night was intense and a lot of fun, but Lucas and I just broke up and you’re just figuring out yourself, so let’s just take things slow and see where it goes, cool?”

“Cool.” I stifled a laugh and bent down, kissing her on the forehead and then left.

I was pretty sure Casen just one-night stood me, but I wasn’t mad, because last night had shifted something in me and I felt like maybe, after all, coming to school was a good idea. I went straight for my phone when I got back to the apartment and dialed Baylor. It was time to face the past and plan for the future, because now I could clearly see one.