Finding Peace

"BAY?"

I cracked my eyes open to Brandt smiling sweetly.

"Will you go on a walk with me?" His entire face pleaded.

It had been almost two months since we lost the baby, and I hadn't improved much, but I was talking, just very limited. Mostly one-word responses and I rarely engaged them in conversation. A walk was his way of getting me out of bed, but I knew what today was, and it made it that much harder.

"Please?"

"Sure," I mumbled as I peeled away the sheets. I glanced at the vintage wall clock and noticed it was already two in the afternoon. Recently, I had managed to start getting out of bed at lunch, but today was harder. Today I had planned on staying in bed until tomorrow and skipping it altogether. It would have been smart if Brandt had let me do that, but he was hurting especially bad today, too, so he needed me.

"Do you want anything for the walk? A snack or water?"

"Water, thanks."

I dug out a pair of black sweats and slid them on. They barely stayed on my hips anymore. All my clothes were too big now. I had lost a ton of weight with the depression, to the point where I looked unhealthy. I wanted to eat, but my body didn't. I would take a few bites of something and then lose my appetite.

I pulled the drawstring tight and threw on a shirt that swallowed me, too. Then it really hit me, like a sucker punch to the gut. I bawled over in agony and my lungs refused oxygen. Today was June fourth. Today I should have been holding baby Tessa.

Instead of moving forward, I was holding Brandt back from healing, and I was a burden on Grady. I couldn't do this to them anymore, and I couldn’t bear feeling like this another day.

You could call me weak.

You could call me a coward.

You could call me whatever the hell you wanted, but I had reached my capacity for pain. And when I was gone, one thing you couldn’t call me anymore was pathetic. Today I would do my best to leave the boys with a memory of the girl they used to know, not the girl they labored over now.

I walked into the kitchen where Grady was concentrating fiercely on his laptop screen.

"Hey, Freckles." His smile was too big to be real. He knew what today was, too.

Grady started calling me that nickname a few weeks ago. He was probably hoping it would restore our past banter, but it hadn’t worked.

"Hey,” I replied simply.

Brandt grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge. "Ready?"

"Yep." I pulled on my shoes at the front door.

Grady exclaimed after us, "Hey, I gotta work at the restaurant tonight. One of the managers got sick, so I'll see you guys in the morning."

"Cool," Brandt responded. He held his elbow out for me, so I interlaced my arm in his and let him lead. "We should start running together again."

I made a barely audible sound that could have been a response either way.

"You missed your appointment today."

I still saw Dr. Caldwell a few times a week. "Oh."

"It's fine. I rescheduled you for tomorrow, if that's all right?"

"Sure." I wondered if he was sick of my short responses. Maybe I would try to give him more than that today.

It was a typical June gloom day by the beach. The sun was making every effort to peek out, but it was failing miserably.

"I thought we could go visit the graves this week."

"Okay."

The street we lived on was serene. All the bungalows had cute white picket fences around them. I stopped at a house with vines of blooming forget-me-not flowers. On several occasions I had seen an older woman gardening out front, but she was absent today.

"I know today is hard, but maybe we can finally say goodbye and—”

I stopped and dropped his arm. "And what? Forget?"

"No, no, Bay. Not forget. Just…move on. None of them are coming back, but we are still here. We can try for another baby."

And there it was. The only words I had been dreading for him to utter. "I can't, Brandt," I said softly as I hung my head and watched a grouping of ants fight over a crumb of food.

"I didn't mean now, but one day. When we're both ready." He caressed my shoulder gently.

I should have told him I didn't want to try again. That I couldn't go through that again, but it didn't matter. It wouldn't matter after tonight, and I was trying to give him a different Baylor today, so I didn't say anything.

"I love you, Bay. No matter what. I'm never leaving you." He raised my chin and kissed me on the lips carefully, and this time I not only let him, but I also gave some back. He smiled and took my arm again. I had given him a false glimmer of hope, but he deserved it. Today he deserved more because tomorrow…tomorrow would be hard.

He plucked a bundle of the flowers and handed them to me. "Let's take some home."

I took them and stared deeply into the yellow centers that shone brightly like the sun. The center of these flowers signified brightness within the deep sea of blue that surrounded it. I wondered why someone named them forget-me-not. Did they have a secret power of hidden memories? Or was it simply because they were so eye-catching you couldn't forget them? Probably the latter.

"You okay?" Brandt caressed my arm with his thumb.

"Yeah." My typical diversion to reality had swept me up again.

We headed back to the house. Grady was already gone, and it was close to dinnertime. I sat down on the couch as Brandt put the flowers into a vase and searched the fridge for food. I watched the gentle sway of his hips as he shifted back and forth. I swooned over those hips once upon a time. Maybe one more time.

"There isn't much to eat. I haven't been to the store in a few days. We could go out? Or just get takeout?"

Without a word, I stood up and walked over to him, shutting the fridge door and tracing the smooth curve of his jawline. The swirling combination of hazel and green of his eyes had faded over the past year, losing the luster that had me in awe the first time I met him. He grabbed my wrist.

"Bay, we don't have to…"

I covered his lips with mine. I knew if he spoke I wouldn't follow through with this, and I owed him at least this. His lips were hot on mine, and as soon as he relinquished to the moment, he grabbed the back of my neck and pushed back on my mouth hungrily, his fingers tangled in my hair. He backed me against the fridge and lifted me so I could wrap my legs around his waist. I wanted to feel the passion he was feeling. I wanted my skin to tingle and my pulse to quicken. I would have given anything to feel that again, but I didn't. Not because I didn't love him. Not because I wasn't attracted to him anymore. It was the opposite. I loved him so much I had built an iron wall around my heart to keep it protected from any more loss, but the price was high, and the sacrifice resulted in detachment.

He carried me to the couch, lying on top of me. He brushed a few loose strands of hair off my face.

"We're going to be okay," he said softly.

I managed a small smile. He kissed my lips again and then trailed the kisses down my jaw to my neck. I turned my head to redirect a tear that trickled down my cheek and found refuge in the couch cushion. One tear. That was all I would allow tonight.

One tear.

He took care with me, being tender and slow. I was frail mentally, but physically I was worse, and he knew it. After we made love, we shared the couch, wrapped in each other's limbs.

"So, back to dinner." He laughed.

"Takeout is fine. Would you mind if I stayed here and showered?"

He hesitated, but then kissed my head and sat up. "Sure. Will you be all right for a little bit?"

I felt guilty for giving him the “I'm an adult” glare, but I needed to be alone and that was a rarity these days.

"I'll just get something from the restaurant really quick."

"Sounds good." I hadn't moved. I watched as he dressed, memorizing every inch of him. He bent over, kissing me on the forehead.

"I'll be right back." He grabbed the keys off the counter. "Oh, and Bay, I have a surprise for you tomorrow."

The pang of guilt stabbed my gut. "I like surprises," I lied, and he knew it, but he didn't question me as he left.

I didn't bother getting dressed. I walked back to the bedroom and straight to our bathroom. There was no hesitation in my actions. I had thought about this every day since I lost the baby. I reached for the bottle of pain meds I had from the hospital, filled a glass of water, and started taking the pills in small handfuls. When the bottle was gone, I walked to the bathtub and turned on the water. I didn't bother waiting for it to fill. I stepped in and slipped on the wet surface, hitting the back of my head on the tub. "Dammit." I rubbed the back of my head, already feeling the knot rise.

I watched the tub fill, letting the sound of cascading water lull my nerves and soothe the throbbing in my head from the fall. Or maybe that was the pills kicking in already. It didn't matter. As soon as the tub was full, I turned off the water, lay back, and closed my eyes.

I thought about making love to Brandt after so much time had passed. I thought about Grady and his magnetic personality and surfer good looks. The train wreck crossed my mind, along with the faces of my parents and sister. The last image was of the little baby I had imagined every day. Brandt told me recently it was a girl. In my mind, she had my eyes and Brandt's full lips.

As I slid down in the tub, the water covered my ears and peace enveloped me. Was I already dead? My body felt light, like it was floating, but then I heard a voice. It was muffled, but I heard it, and my body was shaking. I managed to get my eyes open wide enough to see Brandt yelling above me, but he was too late. My eyelids fell closed, and my body went limp.

I thought death would bring me peace, but instead, I lived in an endless loop of haunting memories. Some good, but the bad overshadowed them. There were times I lived amongst a dream that included Brandt and me with our daughter. It was a beautiful dream. I tried to hold on to it when I felt the darkness move in, but it was too powerful and then I would be running hard on the pavement, fearing the worst and stumbling across body parts and debris from the train wreck. I saw my parents lying next to each other covered in blood, holding hands, their eyes blank as they stared up at me. I searched frantically for Tessa, but no matter how many times the loop came back to this nightmare, I couldn't find her. She was lost.

I was being punished for killing myself. I had gone against the natural order of things and now was reliving the nightmares of my life, and there was nothing I could do about it because I was dead.