Paper Wings

 

 

IT WAS NEARLY impossible to open my eyes the next morning. The sun was excruciatingly cheerful and managed to find the one spot on the bed where I was lying. My head was killing me, and I was beyond parched.

Water.

I needed water.

I sat up without the least bit of grace, tumbling right out of bed, my body tangled in the sheets. An amused laugh from the doorway caught me off guard. It was Brandt. I pulled the sheets tightly to my half-naked body. "Seriously? You're going to stand there and take pleasure in my pain?" I clawed my way up the side of the bed, peeking over to him sheepishly.

"I wanted to apologize for last night and I brought a peace offering." His laugh tapered off as he held out a cup of coffee.

"Thanks," I replied uneasily. He had ditched me last night, and I remembered it being slightly awkward. I grabbed the coffee and half-orgasmed with the first sip. "It never gets old.”

"I could get used to seeing that every morning then."

His smile penetrated the aftertaste of last night. He was too melt-worthy for me to stay mad.

"Did you just ask me to marry you?" I raised an eyebrow as I took another sip. When he started turning white, I immediately regretted saying it. "I'm sorry. I was kidding. That was a bad joke. A stupid joke. Word vomit again. I mean, I guess it's better than real vomit, or maybe not by the look on your face." I shoved the cup to my lips and gulped hard, not caring that the coffee was scalding my throat.

"I should let you get dressed," he said easily, walking down the hall and out of sight.

I heard the back door open and close. I sighed deeply at my stupidity. Why couldn't I just be normal around him? I shuffled my way to the bathroom, dragging half of the bed with me. I placed the coffee onto the counter and was terrified when I caught my reflection. My hair was a knotted mess, and I swear I had crusted vomit on my chin. I dropped the sheets and turned on the shower immediately. I was going to need more than a little face washing. I brushed my teeth several times and hopped in.

As the hot water washed down my neck, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have Brandt in here with me. There was this yearning inside me that just wanted to devour every piece of him, and if I read him right last night, he wanted me, too, but when he kissed me, I was seized by that memory and it was permanently etched in my head now. I was kissing someone. Someone I cherished. Someone I loved. It was enough to give me pause with Brandt. Someone out there loved me. I was taken, and being with someone else just didn't seem right. It felt like I was cheating.

I dried off and dressed quickly, running a brush through my hair, and then when I caught my reflection in the mirror once again, my body froze.

I couldn't move.

I couldn't talk.

I couldn't breathe.

My heart ached, and tears streamed down my face.

Brandt appeared in the doorway, and I glanced at him through cloudy eyes.

"You're broken," he said as he pulled me into his arms and wiped the tears from my cheeks.

"Isn't everyone?" I searched his eyes for reassurance. For the answers to everything.

He hugged me tightly, and I knew when I looked at him that he was just as broken as I was.

"I think everyone is broken in some way, but we all bleed differently, and some heal while others scar."

"The hardest thing for me is not knowing why I'm so scarred.”

He lifted my head. I should have told him about my memory, but I was too scared. Grady and Brandt were all I had, and I didn't want to lose them.

"You need some fun, Freckles." He grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the house. “Let’s get out of here,” He tipped his head for me to get into the car as he opened the passenger side door.

“Okay.” I chewed on my lip and slid in. When he slipped into the driver's seat, I asked, "So, what did you have in mind, Mr. Brandt?"

"You'll see." His smile held nothing but comfort.

"I love surprises. Or at least I think I do." I laughed at myself.

"Everyone loves surprises," he said as he revved the engine and took off down the hill.

It was still early, the sun not quite all the way up. I rolled down my window, enjoying the crisp air on my cheeks, erasing the rough night and bumpy morning. Brandt turned on the radio, and a haunting male voice filled the car. It was perfect and I closed my eyes, soaking in a moment of peace.

Brandt reached over and interlaced his hand with mine, not taking his eyes off the road, as if this was the most natural thing to do with us. Our friendship was fast, our connection intense, and it was the most comforting feeling in the world. I didn't know what my memories held for me, but for now, all I wanted to do was be here. Right here with Brandt, in this car. I closed my eyes again and listened to the words projecting from the speakers.

Life aligns like stars. There's gaps of empty spaces. Hidden are the scars…

History repeats. But so does change. Does fear retreat or is it delayed?

Now are we chasing time…

I fell today to my darkest place and all that saved me were these paper wings.

"This song…"

He looked over at me. "It speaks to you."

"Yes, it does," I said, half in this world and half in another.

A few minutes later, we pulled into a zoo parking lot. "A zoo?" I snickered.

"Yes. A zoo. Is that okay?"

"It's perfect." I gleamed.

He grabbed my hand as we walked up to purchase tickets. "Are you feeling adventurous today?" He pointed to the zip lining advertisement.

"Sure, I'm game." I was nervous since I had recently rediscovered my fear of heights.

"Are you sure? We can do something else."

"No, I want to do this. This is my second chance. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be someone else or, at least, a better version of my old self."

"You're amazing. You know that?"

I wasn’t so sure about that, but I liked hearing it. He not only bought tickets for zip lining but also for the rope climb and a caravan around the park. "I guess we'll be closing the park down.” I chuckled.

"Yep." He threw his arm around my shoulders and led me to our first safari.

"Oh, wait. I have a doctor's appointment at four today."

"We have plenty of time."

The day had been exactly what I needed. I conquered the zip line and the rope climb with only a little trepidation. We had lunch before the ride around the park, which ended up being a private tour because the park was so quiet today. Brandt kept me close to his side the entire time. I liked how he protected me. I liked how he felt and smelled and looked. I liked everything about this man, so then why couldn't I just let go and give myself a pass? If I really loved this other man in the gaps of memories in my mind, then wouldn't I know?

"Are you okay?"

I twirled my hair, deep in thought, as we walked around the zoo. "I'm nervous what the doctor is going to tell me. What if there are other things wrong with me? What if my brain is broken?"

He started laughing. "Sorry. I know this isn't funny, but I can assure you, your brain is fine. It just needs time to heal. You need time. And more doses of me." He winked.

I laughed. He had done it again. He made me smile at my worst. "Lots more doses of you." I gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "There aren't enough thank yous in the world."

He pulled me in closer and squeezed me tightly. "No, thank you, Freckles. You were just what the doctor ordered."

We had to rush out of the park after the tour to make my appointment on time. As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot of the zoo, my stomach tightened again. The drive to my appointment was not going to be nearly as peaceful as it was going to the zoo. My foot tapped nervously, and at the rate of twirling I was doing, my hair would be completely curled by the time we got to the doctor’s office.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"That obvious, huh?"

"I think it was the supersonic speed of your foot that gave it away."

"I'm not afraid to know what happened to me."

"No?"

I shook my head. "I'm terrified to find out who I might have lost." There, I said it. I didn't want to admit it, but I was more fearful to discover the man from my split-second memory. Brandt took my hand again.

"I'll be right by your side. No matter what we find out, I won’t leave you.”

And he would be. We had just met, but I trusted him and his brother more than I trusted myself.

My panic attack nearly overwhelmed me when we parked in the medical lot. Brandt kneeled outside the door as I hid my face in my knees, only half out of the car at this point. He patted my back and coached me in breathing, counting from ten and back. He had become my guardian angel.

My attack made us a good ten minutes late, but the doctor was patient and understanding. Brandt and I sat in the chairs across from Dr. Surai, one of several doctors that treated me during my five-week stay at the hospital.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Fine. I mean, I feel fine."

"Have you recalled anything? Your name? Family? The accident?"

I hesitated.

Brandt watched me curiously.

"You remembered something?" she pressed.

"I did, but it was small."

"Small is good. Once things start, the brain has a funny way of rolling with it."

I liked her. She didn't try to impress me with fancy words. Maybe her youthfulness attributed to it.

"What did you remember?" Brandt inquired.

"I, uh…" I was fidgeting with my hands, trying to avoid my obvious hair twirl.

"It's not important," the doctor interrupted. "What's important is that you're remembering." She gave me a knowing wink.

I hated keeping secrets. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"Yes, but first let's go over your brain scan." She stood up and walked over to the wall with the X-ray viewer and switched it on.

My heart was starting to slowly pound against my chest as the anticipation rose within me. "Is that my…?"

"Yes."

Brandt squeezed my hand in support.

"Nothing shows any brain damage. Everything looks great," she said.

I waited for the sigh of relief to wash over me, but it didn't. I kept expecting the worst.

"Doctor, if she's fine, then what's wrong? Why can't she remember?"

She flipped off the switch that had lit up my brain scan and sighed deeply. She went to her desk, and instead of sitting back down, she leaned against it just in front of us and looked straight at me. "You have Dissociative Amnesia. It's caused from trauma. We see it associated with all sorts of traumatic events, from the death of a loved one to a car accident and everything in between."

I bit at the inside of my cheek. Trauma. I had experienced something traumatic. My heart was pounding harder still, and I could feel I was on the brink of another attack.

"I think it's important that you know what happened to you, but I think it's more important that we get the help you need to ensure it doesn't happen again."

I looked up at her, confused. What did she mean 'happen again'? "I don't understand."

She looked at Brandt as if his approval was needed. Approval from someone I had just met.

His eyes met mine. "No matter what."

The tears were already building in my eyes. "What did I do?" I choked out.

After a long pause, Dr. Surai spoke up, "You were admitted as a suicide attempt."

The air rushed out of me, and all the sounds in the room ceased.

I tried to focus on what she said.

I tried to remember before that morning I woke up in the hospital.

I tried to breathe.

I had done this to myself. I was the reason I couldn't remember. I had tried to kill myself. "Why?" My hands were trembling and my words were shaky. Unsure.

She stared at me blankly, so I turned my attention to Brandt and asked again, "Why?" This time the tears had escaped, and I was sobbing.

He took my head and buried it into his chest. All I could do was cry, and all he could do was comfort me, and all the doctor could do was wait. Wait until I had time to process the unfathomable.

When there was nothing left in me, I slowly peeled myself from Brandt and wiped away the last of my tears. "How? How did I do it?"

"Pills and drowning."

"Oh my…" I shook my head and clutched my stomach for some sense of stability. "Who found me?"

"We don't know. You were thrown into the arms of a technician leaving the night shift."

How could someone just leave me? "I don't understand. Someone just left me?"

"You were barely alive when you came to us. It was a miracle you survived, but we had to induce a coma because of the swelling in your brain. You had a large contusion on the back of your head, probably from a fall resulting from the drugs.”

As she continued talking, her voice became distant and fuzzy, and all I could concentrate on was that I had tried to take my own life and the memory of the man. I had so many questions, but no one had any answers for me.

"Hey." Brandt nudged me.

I looked up and saw the doctor staring at me.

"I know this is hard to process, but I think it's really important you see a psychiatrist," she advised.

"I would never…I could never…" I couldn't finish. I had…I had tried to kill myself, and just because I didn't have my memories, didn't mean I didn't have it in me to try again.

"We'll make sure she sees one right away," Brandt spoke up.

Everything was happening so fast. The only world I knew for the last few days was spinning out of control, and I didn't know how to stop it. "Will my memories ever return?"

"I’m hopeful, but it's on the psychological realm and not something I specialize in. That's why it's really important for you to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. It's a good sign that you already remembered something.”

She stood up, grabbed a piece of paper, and handed it to me. "She's a good doctor. If anyone can help you, she can. I already filled her in on your case, so she's expecting you."

I took the paper. "Thank you."

Brandt helped me up, and I walked out of the office hidden in the protection of his embrace. What did he think of me now? I was a nut case who had tried to kill herself. I gave Grady and him less than twenty-four hours to kick me out of their house…and their lives.

I felt like I was going to be sick. "I need a bathroom."

"There's one right…"

"Brandt?" Dr. Surai headed down the hallway toward us.

"Go. I'll talk to her."

I nodded and raced to the bathroom, holding my mouth. I just barely made it to the sink. I turned on the water to drown out the sound and then cleaned up afterward. When I finally rejoined Brandt in the hallway, you would have thought he was the one who had just been sick. He was as white as a ghost.

"Is everything okay? What did the doctor need?"

"Oh, nothing. She just wanted to make sure we had her card if we had any other questions."

"Are you sure, because you looked a whole lot less ghostly a few minutes ago?"

"Everything's fine. Come on. Let's get you home."