Josh woke up curled next to his alpha in the dark cave they’d found, and it seemed they hadn’t been followed. Still, when he nudged Tristan, he knew in his heart he would have to leave. He didn’t want to live like this. He had a place of his own above the bar, a job he liked, a life to go back to, even if it was a miserable, lonely one. Tristan would never let him stay, anyway. It was too dangerous, this life his alpha had chosen for himself. At times, Josh wished he could just move on. He’d tried many times, but Tristan always came back.

Tristan woke, and looked at him sadly in his wolf form. They didn’t need to say goodbye. They’d said it many times before, and it had never helped ease the pain that Josh felt when they were separated.

With one last look over his shoulder, Josh bounded out of the cave and over the hills, beginning his long run home.

After a good long run through the countryside, Josh found his way up the stairs along the outside of the bar, to his front door. He let himself in, and once he was safely inside, he shifted back into his human form and stumbled into the shower.

The water hissed as it began to pour over his body, washing off dust and dirt and the scent of Tristan. It didn’t seem fair that no matter how many times Josh lathered his body and scrubbed away his alpha’s lasting smell, he couldn’t get him out of his mind. Those bright blue eyes, Tristan’s daring smile, the sadness in the lines of his face. He had done everything he could to convince Tristan to turn himself in, hadn’t he? But Tristan was a stubborn ass. He would never do things the easy way.

Josh climbed out of the shower and dried his body, looking at himself in a small circle of the steamy mirror that he had wiped clear. What was he doing with his life? Was it true that he didn’t believe in love, or was he just unable to get over an impossible relationship, stuck in the past? Tristan wasn’t good for him. He was an outlaw now, an AWOL soldier. But Josh still loved him, and all he wanted to do was help the stupid, stubborn ass.

Josh tugged on clothes and sat, clean and warm and feeling renewed. They would both make their choices, and as Josh always had, he would survive. Move on with his life, take care of his bar, and one day maybe someone would break through his feelings for Tristan and offer him something better. But he wouldn’t wait around for it.

A knock on his door surprised Josh, and he got up to check who it was in his window. Confused when he saw his father, he opened the door.

“Hey, Pa,” he said, giving Senior a hug and letting him into the apartment. Senior had lived up there above the bar for a while after he’d divorced Ma, but he had his own land again now, a ranch where he boarded horses, and Josh mainly took care of the bar, so he had the apartment to himself.

That didn’t stop Senior from making himself at home, grabbing a beer from the fridge before he sat down next to Josh on the couch.

“Where you been, son?”

Josh shrugged.

“Decided to go for a run last night, didn’t come back till just now.”

“I know,” Senior said, “I saw you come in on all fours.” The look in his eyes made Josh certain his father was concerned about him. “Hank came to talk to me.”

Josh suddenly went still, and felt cold. He didn’t want to have to lie to his father, but he would, if Senior pushed him too hard.

“What does that drunk bastard want?” he asked, trying to stay calm.

“He said he saw you and Tristan together. Is Tristan in town? I thought he was still overseas for a while. Hell, I thought you told him you’d shoot him if you saw him again.”

Why did everyone have to keep bringing that up?

“I haven’t seen him,” Josh lied. It didn’t feel good, but he wasn’t going to blow Tristan’s cover. Senior still seemed curious more than anything, and obviously word hadn’t gotten out that Tristan was a wanted man just yet. He might wish that Tristan would turn himself in, but if the man was still on his run, it was the least he could to not to make it easier for the law to catch up with him. Especially with Senior being such good friends with the Sheriff.

Senior frowned. “So what was Hank on about then?”

Josh shrugged and shook his head. “I was alone. Hank came by yelling and waving his gun around. That man is a crazy drunk, Pa, and you shouldn’t even talk to him anymore. Don’t let him on this property.”

Senior seemed to take that seriously.

“Well, I wouldn’t want you to have to pull a gun on him again,” he said with a little smirk. “I’ll tell him to keep his nose out of our business. I was just worried since…” Senior sighed, shaking his head. “I know what Tristan’s done to you over the years. That man toys with you, and if he was back…”

“Tristan’s not coming back, Pa,” Josh assured him. “I haven’t heard word from him in years.”

Senior nodded. “Well, good. Soon enough, maybe you’ll be ready to move on. Find someone else. You deserve it, Josh. You’re not too old to have kids still, you know.”

Josh rolled his eyes. “Now you sound like Ma. Get outta here.”

“You takin’ the late shift at the bar tonight?”

Josh shrugged. “I slept okay,” he admitted. “I can do the whole thing. I’ll see ya there, Pa.”

Senior left, hopefully none the wiser, and Josh fell back against the couch with a sigh. Tristan really did have to be more careful, or he was going to give himself away. Josh wished that he didn’t still love Tristan enough to lie for him. It wasn’t the first time, and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last.

* * *

Josh gasped awake, shaking with the sudden realization that he didn’t know if Tristan was dead or alive. He’d been back on duty for three weeks and Josh had spent them spiralling. It was like the opportunity to really be with Tristan had only made it hurt more when they were separated.

As he tried to imagine having a baby with a man who, at any moment, could be dead, Josh felt hope slipping away. He rubbed at his face and sat up, pouring himself a glass from the almost-empty bottle of whiskey sitting on his bedside table.

Squeezing the glass like a security blanket between his fingers, he stared out his window into the cold night sky, out at the stars. He wondered if Tristan could see the stars where he was, or if it were even night at all. What was his lover doing at that moment? He just prayed that Tristan was still alive.

Josh sipped at his whiskey and felt its hot burn down his throat. He had tried to resist the urge to fight with Tristan while he had been home, and wanted only to use the time they had, while they had it, but now, he was left with the lingering doubts he’d had all along about his endurance for this sort of life.

There was a reason he’d stopped writing Tristan, but now that Tristan was back, and they’d fallen into each other’s lives, the alpha expected more letters, more enthusiasm for a life Josh could feel slipping through his fingertips. He wanted a family. Was that really too much to ask?

Josh poured the rest of the bottle of whiskey into his glass, and drank it down, letting the burn comfort him and the alcohol numb the edges of his worry. Had he lied to Tristan, when he’d told him that he would continue to write to him? That he would be able to wait, and hold on for something that might never even happen? Had Tristan lied, when he said he would come home?

Grabbing a sheet of paper and a pen, he sat down with his glass and tried to figure out what he was trying to say. He had time. He could write Tristan a long letter, and explain everything, and be honest. The dilemma came when he thought about the consequences of his honesty. Was he really prepared to give up on Tristan already? Couldn’t he hold on just a few more years? Tristan was the only one he’d ever wanted. His mate. Maybe it was his duty to find the strength and bravery to sit and wait and hope.

The least he could do was pretend to still have hope, for Tristan’s sake.

Tristan,

I’m writing to let you know that I love you and I miss you. I woke up tonight thinking of you and I hope you’re doing okay. I’m going to keep writing this time, I swear. The letters might not be very interesting, but at least you’ll know that I’ve been thinking of you and that I’m still holding out for when you come back.

I’ll start saving up, and we can get a house, maybe some acreage like I’ve always talked about. You should start a savings account, too. If I have my way, you’ll be a father one day.

Love, Josh