It was such a relief to have Josh there in the hospital room with him. Tristan squeezed his hand, looking into his omega’s beautiful green eyes.

“Josh, that night, you never really let me apologize. We never got to talk.”

Josh smiled and leaned in, kissing Tristan’s cheek.

“Yeah. I know. I shouldn’t have threatened to shoot you.”

“Maybe not, but when that bullet was in me, and I thought I was dying, all I wanted was to get back to you, Josh. To see you again.”

Josh touched his face.

“I was just praying you were alive,” he admitted. “Tristan, I have something to tell you, too.”

Tristan wasn’t used to the tone Josh was using. The man loved him, that was clear in his voice, but he was also nervous. Tristan brought Josh’s hand up to his lips and kissed it gently.

“Tell me,” he said softly.

Josh brought Tristan’s hand to his stomach.

“It finally happened, Saint. I’m pregnant.”

Tristan felt the world slow around him. He could barely breathe.

“It’s mine?” he asked breathlessly.

“Yeah,” Josh admitted with a nod. “I almost went for it with someone else once, but...I couldn’t.”

Tristan shook his head, pulling Josh closer. Josh climbed into the hospital bed with him, which was precarious, because neither of them was small, and cuddled up with his alpha.

“Neither could I,” Tristan admitted. “And I couldn’t stay in the army anymore because… I saw too many terrible things happen,” he tried to explain.

Josh shook his head. “It seems like it’s impossible for a soldier to come back without some sort of trauma.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Tristan found himself trying to tell Josh the whole truth. Holding back, this wall he’d built up between them, there was no place for it anymore. They were going to be a family, and he felt it was important that Josh knew what he was getting into with him. “I saw people, my people, do things that I can barely describe. A squad member was assaulted years ago, and since then… Right before I left, I saw a little girl murdered, Josh. Just for...for being brown, I guess, and in the wrong place. After that, I couldn’t… war is war. The killing, the blood, the death, I knew I had signed up for that. But I thought it would make me stronger. I thought if I learned to be brave, I would grow, and somehow I would become the alpha you need me to be. I thought our side was worth the fight. I tried to protect her, Josh, but I… I couldn’t. I failed her.”

He finally looked down at his omega, who was staring up at him, tears in his eyes.

“Tristan...I’m so sorry,” he whispered, and hugged Tristan tight.

Tristan felt warmth fill him, and comfort, he felt Josh’s love fill him and make him whole.

“I’m sorry, too,” he whispered. “I never should have left you. But I’m ready. I’m ready to be a father.”

Josh nodded.

“I know...But Tristan. You’re going to jail,” he said softly. “The Sheriff… I tried to beg him off, but he’s going to take you in, once the doctors say he can.”

Tristan sighed, his stomach twisting itself into knots. He had come all this way just to be with Josh, to finally realize where he was meant to be, and he was going to be dragged away from it again. He’d had no choice. He couldn’t have stayed in good conscience. He would have happily served his punishment for it, if it weren’t for the child growing inside of Josh at that very moment.

“I’ll fight it,” he said quietly.

Josh nodded. “Do you want me to call a lawyer for you?”

“Sure,” Tristan agreed. He was going to need one. “I want to be there for our baby’s birth.”

Josh smiled. “Just a little over ten weeks to go,” he told him. “You’d better not stay in jail too long. I’ll post bail for you, if we can get it.”

Tristan realized how screwed he was. He’d snuck across the American border, while on the run. He couldn’t see them trusting him to stay put.

“They’ll never give me bail,” he sighed. He was going to be in jail when his baby was born. “I’m sorry, Josh. This is all my fault, I’m so stupid.”

“Finally,” Josh said with a grudging, teasing little smile. “You’re learning.”

It took a full day for the poison to work its way out of Tristan’s body, and then he naturally healed, and there was no excuse to keep him anymore. Josh stayed with him the whole time, resting in his arms, and then settling by his side. They both kept the conversation light. Their time together was limited, and Tristan knew he didn’t want to fight. He just wanted to be with Josh while he could.

The Sheriff gave them a little time together to say goodbye, before Tristan would be arrested, and had brought clothes for Tristan to put on.

Josh watched him dress, quiet, his face very sad.

“I almost wish you healed slower. I just got you back.”

Tristan sighed, and after slipping his shirt over his head, he pulled Josh close, kissing the top of his head.

“I know it doesn’t mean much for me to apologize again, but I can’t think of what else to do,” he admitted.

Josh shook his head. “Just stay safe, and come home to me as soon as you can. We need to prepare for our baby.”

Tristan kissed Josh passionately, feeling his lips hot and soft on his own, and he wanted much more than that, but it would have to wait.

“I swear, I will. For both of you.” He took a deep breath. “Do me one favor?”

“What’s that?” Josh asked with a slight frown.

“Just...wait a few minutes before you come out to the hall. I don’t want you to have to watch me get arrested,” he admitted.

Josh shook his head, and obviously he didn’t fully understand, but he obliged Tristan, and let him keep his pride.

“I won’t watch.”

Tristan gave him one last kiss, and then left the hospital room to face the Sheriff.

“Sheriff,” he said, giving him a nod.

“St. John,” the Sheriff answered. “You coming quietly?”

Tristan smiled a little. “You saved my life, I guess I’m going to have to.”

He turned and offered the Sheriff his hands, and he took a deep breath as the cuffs locked around his wrists, listening to the Sheriff read him his rights. All he’d wanted, his entire life, was to be free, and in his search for it, he had found himself in one form of imprisonment or another. Maybe that pattern had begun its final cycle, as he submitted to the consequences of his actions wholly. He knew that he was finished running, once and for all.

They took him to the local jail and booked him there, and he was given a quiet, basic little cell to sit in. It was no worse than a military cot, he told himself, although there was the definite feeling of being trapped. But he’d known this was a very real possibility from the moment he’d stepped foot off the military base, and he was just grateful that he hadn’t been shipped back there.

He settled back on his cot in the darkness of the night, listening to his own heartbeat, and suddenly, he couldn’t help but smile. Josh was pregnant. He should have been miserable, locked in a tiny jail cell, but he was going to be a father, and nothing had ever made him so happy in his entire life.

* * *

Tristan sat in his mother and father’s kitchen, forcing himself to eat toast, the memories of Josh with a gun, threatening to shoot him if he saw him again, lingering in his mind. The food turned to sand in his mouth when he thought about never seeing Josh again. He couldn’t let that happen. But how could he win Josh back when he had ruined everything so thoroughly? It seemed hopeless.

“Your sister’s coming over today with the new baby. Are you excited to meet her, Tristan?” he mother pestered him.

He sighed. “Yeah, I know Joanne has a baby. I read the letter, I saw the pictures… Beverley is a really cute baby, Mom.”

She frowned, looking at him with concern.

“Well, you don’t seem very excited to be an uncle, Tristan.”

“She’s right, Tristan,” his father said mildly, and Tristan groaned. Couldn’t he just be miserable in peace?

“It’s just a baby, okay? Anyone can breed. It’s nothing special. I don’t get what the big deal is.”

His outburst obviously shocked his mother, but it wasn’t the first time. He growled and stood up from the table.

“Maybe I should go…”

“Beverley may not seem like a ‘big deal’ to you, Tristan, but she is the newest member of our family, and that little baby is going to grow up to be a young woman who is your niece. I hope you’re someone she can look up to by then.”

Tristan stood, shocked, as his mother cut straight to his core. He shook his head.

“I’m not listening to this,” he said, and he left, heading out into the backyard. He found a project, sanding and painting the back deck, and lost himself in it, fuming. How dare his mother say that he wasn’t someone to look up to? He was a soldier, he’d been to war. What had she and Joanne done? What was so impressive about popping out a few kids, anyway?

He hadn’t realized how long he’d been out there until Jo leaned against the ajar sliding glass door and smiled down at him. She was holding Beverley in her arms, the six-month-old happily resting her head against her mother’s chest, eyes curiously wandering everywhere.

Tristan wanted to be upset, when he saw the baby. She only reminded him of what he couldn’t have with Josh, what he would never have because of the life he’d chosen for himself. He stood, wiping his hands on his jeans, which were already covered in white paint. Looking into that sweet little face of his niece, and seeing his big sister reflected back at him, it seemed impossible to be anything but happy, and hopeful. His mother was right that Jo was raising the next generation of St. Johns. After all, it wasn’t like he was having any kids. Not if his mate was ready to shoot him on sight.

“Can I hold her?” he finally brought himself to ask, and Jo nodded.

“Yeah, just go wash your hands,” she allowed. “I don’t want her covered in paint.”

Tristan carefully slipped his boots off on the mat by the door, and then went inside to wash all the pant from himself. He stripped off his shirt so that he wouldn’t get anything on the sweet baby, and then took Beverley into his arms.

The moment he held her, and inhaled her intoxicating scent, he knew what he was missing out on. He smiled down at her, and was amazed when his little niece smiled back, warming his pained heart. She was so beautiful, and innocent, with chubby cheeks and fingers and the same blue eyes that he and his sister had. She grabbed at his nose, and he laughed, letting her play with it.

“She’s amazing, Jo.”

Joanne smiled at him, rolling her eyes a bit.

“I know. I made her, remember?”

Tristan shook his head. “It’s too bad I’m never going to have one of my own,” he sighed. “But I guess I’ll just have to be a really good uncle, right?”

“What, you mean if you live?” Joanne asked, looking at him evenly.

Tristan growled softly, bouncing Beverley in his arms to keep her happy.

“Don’t tell me you’re pissed at me, too. You know, some families are proud of their kids for going into the military, for serving their country…”

Jo shook her head, settling down on the couch as Tristan sat with Beverley, trying to tempt her with one of her baby toys.

“I don’t know how I can be proud of you for trying to die,” she admitted. “And breaking Josh’s heart, too. He never deserved this. He was always looking out for you, when you two were kids, and now you do this? Run off for years on end, into the worst danger you can find? I’m betrayed. I can’t imagine how he feels.”

Tristan shook his head, trying to zone her out as he focused on the sweet baby in his arms, and her giggle when he dangled her colorful toy keys in front of her face. Beverley squealed and grabbed at the keys with her chubby hands, tugging them toward her drooling mouth.

“Tristan?” Jo said, pulling him out of his baby-trance. “Don’t ignore me. You have to own up to this eventually.”

Tristan turned to look at his sister. “I tried to own up to it, and he told me to leave. He wouldn’t even let me explain. There’s no hope, now, and I’m not looking for anyone else. I don’t want to settle down with anyone else.”

She considered that, watching Beverley drool all over her toy and Tristan’s bare chest, her heavy baby head pressed to his chest, almost like she was listening to Tristan’s heart.

“You really want to miss out on this? Just because you can’t have Josh?”

Tristan shrugged. “I just can’t see myself with anyone else. And besides, who else would tolerate me?”

Joanne shook her head, smiling wryly. “You’ve got a point there. And I have to admit, it’s hard to imagine you with anyone but Josh. But seeing you with Bev, I just can’t help but think...you’re meant to be a dad, Tristan. Maybe there’s hope.”

“Maybe,” Tristan admitted, but he wasn’t very hopeful. He offered Beverely his fingers, and let her small baby fingers wrap around his own, and then shake them and tug them toward her mouth. She drooled all over his hand, and he chuckled, staring down into her eyes with a smile on his face. She was so perfect, and he could only imagine what his and Josh’s baby would look like, how whole he would feel to have a son or daughter of his own. “What do you think, Bev? Do you want cousins?”

“Of course she does,” Joanne pointed out. “But before that’s ever going to happen, you have to learn to put other people above yourself.”

Tristan shot his sister a look. “You don’t think that’s what I do every day? I risk my life for your freedom, for everyone’s freedom.”

“Yeah?” Jo asked, tilting her head at him thoughtfully. “Is that really why you’re doing it? To me, it seems pretty fucking selfish. You want the glory, the action, the feeling of being free, some sort of get-out-of-jail-free-card for your conscience, but you don’t want to actually be here, in these trenches, taking care of the people you love, changing diapers and wiping tears and living. You’re too busy trying to die.”

Tristan was getting really tired of people calling him on his shit. It was exhausting.

“You know the nice thing about babies? They don’t talk so much.”

He held Beverley gently on his knee and bounced her, grinning as she giggled at him, oblivious to the argument between he and his sister. Joanne had a lot of good points, and so did his mom, and Josh, and even Josh’s father. Tristan had a lot to think about. He just didn’t feel like thinking then, he would rather enjoy his niece’s bright, sunshine smile and her tinkling giggle.

Joanne didn’t try to lecture him any further, but she did seem unimpressed when he spoke next.

“I’m going back to war, Jo. As long as there’s nothing for me here, I may as well serve.”

It had started as a way to learn to be strong, but now, it had become a crutch—the only life he knew how to live. He’d wanted war to make him brave, but it had made him even more of a coward in his personal life than ever.

She shook her head, utterly silent for a few long moments, and reached for Beverley, taking her back into her arms.

“You do what you need to do, Tristan. God knows, nobody can stop you.”