Chapter Ten

His breath fell over her exposed skin. Monica swallowed her rising moan, tamping down her desire. What she wanted with Oscar was never going to work, she reminded herself. The vision she’d held onto for so long—it was a lie.

Now, Nikolai knelt before her. He laid himself at her feet as if she were a queen, looking up at her with what was perhaps a mirror image of what she felt churning through herself. Her stomach tightened under the gaze of those light, piercing eyes, and she found herself saying something unexpected.

“I could think of another way for you to thank me.” Her voice was a husky whisper. The sound of it surprised her, far more enticing than she’d thought herself to be.

She inched closer to the edge of the seat, widening her knees. Nikolai’s nostrils flared as he took in the exposed scent. The desire that gripped her was evident, moisture gathering between her legs and filling the air between them with musk. Nikolai’s hands slid behind her. His fingers curled into the waistband of her jeans, making her breath catch. The sensation of skin on skin caught her off guard.

When was the last time anyone had touched her? Shifters were almost always pack animals. So few were comfortable living on their own, and Monica wasn’t one of them. Her Pack had turned out for Pilar when asked, but Monica wanted to be strong. She never wanted to ask for help, never wanted to ask for company. She hadn’t wanted them, or Oscar, to see her as anything but perfect.

And yet, Nikolai answered her request with zeal. She could find no hesitation in his actions. Her own fingers fumbled with the buttons of her jeans while he tugged at her waistband. He growled as they fumbled with the too tight jeans, all too eager to please her.

Her legs free of the constraint, she reached for his unbound hair. Her fingers threaded through the pale gold tresses. For a moment, she considered clenching her fist, holding him at her mercy, but she let go. There was no powerplay between them, no need to prove herself capable of fighting back.

Nikolai leaned into her touch, as if it were the gentle caress of a lover and not a fighting instinct. Her stomach flipped. With his toothy grin, he yanked her forward. His hands ran up the curving length of her waist while his head dipped. His nose rubbed over the fabric of her underwear. The barrier was there, and yet she still let out a moan.

Her knees went weak. Pleasure curled around her core, pooling like molten gold. Nikolai pulled back, his hands wrapping around her knees so that his fingertips grazed the soft interior of the joint. Monica wanted to writhe on the couch. She barely kept herself from arching into him.

He was teasing her, toying with her. His fingertips ran from that small, sensitive place and down her calves. Her body felt electric. Each cell was a receptor for Nikolai’s touch, flaring like fireflies in her skin.

Slowly—excruciatingly—Nikolai reached for her panties. He tugged them down her hips and over her legs until there was nothing between them. Before he ducked his head, he took a deep breath of the musky air and grinned up at her. When his tongue flicked her folds, she cried out.

No one had ever touched her like this. She’d had lovers over the course of her life, but they’d always been concerned with their own pleasure. This was a whole new experience. For a moment, she felt ashamed of asking him to do such a thing, but when he growled and groaned into her as if he savored the taste, she immediately craved more.

Nikolai’s grip on her was near bruising, but the pain mingled with the golden pool of pleasure inside her. When his tongue finally delved between her folds, pleasure exploded through her. It spiked in every direction until her fingertips tingled and her toes curled. Monica arched into him. Her knees tightened on his shoulders.

His tongue made lazy circles over the most sensitive part of her before dropping low. He entered her while his nose nudged the top of her folds. At first, Monica tried to hold back her scream. Once she realized they were well and truly alone, she let it out. Her moans filled the room and prompted Nikolai to move faster.

His tongue pushed in and out of her before sliding up the expanse of her folds. One hand snaked around her back to pull her closer while the other slipped between her legs. He was skilled, his fingers working inside her while his tongue teased the most sensitive part of her.

Monica’s pleasure was growing, no longer just spiking through her. It grew into a heavy weight between her legs, one that made her back arch and her breath catch. She knew she would come any minute. She wanted to find the words to tell him to fuck her, but she couldn’t find her voice.

She gripped his hair and screamed his name as she came. His tongue kept working, teasing her orgasm to new heights with each stroke. At first, she wasn’t sure she could handle it. Monica thought her body might burst from the force of it all. The orgasm slammed into her, crashing and consuming everything she’d ever been. In the end, aftershocks tingled to her toes, making them twitch and curl.

Nikolai sat back on his haunches, but never stopped touching her. His hands moved, as if they weren’t finished exploring the dark tones of her skin. She let herself fall back, exhausted and sated. This was not how she expected the night to go, but it was still a very good night.

When she finally managed to find herself, she sat up. “I’m sorry you didn’t…”

Nikolai’s brow shot upward at her unfinished statement. The scent of her orgasm filled the air between them. It was heavy and heady. Monica tried to speak with her hands, waving them with no effect. The words still couldn’t find their way into the space between them.

Finally, Nikolai caught on and laughed. Picking himself up from the floor, he leaned over her until their breath mingled. “I was thanking you properly.” His voice was a deep growl that rumbled through her to her core, stirring up things she’d thought settled. “I was more than happy to serve.”

She found nothing to say. When she thought he might lean in and kiss her, he pulled back. He scratched at the beard growing along his chin and marched away. He didn’t swagger like the fool of a bear from earlier. Nikolai marched with purpose, feet slamming the floor to announce his presence.

“Excuse me,” he said with his back to her. “I’m going to wash my beard really quick. I’ll be back.”

Monica was left alone and pants-less. Slowly, she pulled her knees together and looked at the room. While Nikolai had been there, she’d felt comfortable. His presence pulled at her and she had a hard time fighting against it. Now that he was gone, she felt alone and vulnerable. For so long, she’d held onto the idea that she’d be the mate of the shifter who’d saved her. Now that she’d sacrificed that idea, she found herself questioning what she was doing.

Was this a fling? There was no denying what they felt, but she didn’t know if her heart was in it. Monica wasn’t even sure she knew how to put her heart into anything other than her art.

She didn’t know what to do with herself, what to say when he came back, or what this even meant. Her head spun. Distantly, she heard the rush of water in the bathroom sink and the splash of it as he cleaned his beard of what they’d done.

Confused, she pulled her pants back on and grabbed her shoes. She needed time to sort out her thoughts and figure out what she wanted. What they’d done had felt good, but she didn’t know how to move beyond that.

She went home, back to her sketchbook and bedroom filled with rainbow balls. It seemed, no matter where she went, Nikolai was there with her. It left a smile on her lips. Was this a thing she wanted to continue? Could it be more than dildo jokes and casual orgasms?

No, because it could be nothing as long as they were in two different Packs. Their lives would never allow them to stay together. It was bad enough that Nikolai was part of another pack, but Oscar would frown upon her fraternizing with another Alpha. Yet, the thought of giving Nikolai up made her stomach clench.

Monica set aside her sketchbook and reached for her phone. Staring at the screen, she wondered what her next move would be. It was painfully obvious that she was not good at this, but what happened when she didn’t try?

***

Nikolai came out of the bathroom to find his living room empty. The only evidence that Monica had ever been there at all were the forgotten panties in the middle of his floor. He reached for the forest green satin and wondered what a girl dressed in ripped jeans was doing with satin panties.

No matter what he did, his beard still smelled of her. While he’d hoped to be clean enough to kiss her senseless once he returned, he now welcomed the lingering scent that remained because it was nearly all he had left. The bear roared inside him, demanding that they chase after her and pull her back home.

His stomach clenched. This wasn’t Monica’s home. No matter what the bear thought of her, she was her own creature. Every time their orbits collided, Nikolai needed to prepare himself for them to separate once more.

With a sigh, he set himself down on the couch. In one hand, he gripped his forgotten beer, and in the other he held her forgotten panties. What was he supposed to do? It was clear she’d gotten what she wanted and left. Perhaps that’d been her intent all along. He didn’t blame her for wanting to sate an urge that might have been nagging at her.

Nikolai only wished the urge hadn’t been sated so easily.

He found himself missing her, wishing she’d stayed. He imagined her on the couch, legs still bare and knees pulled beneath her. When his eyes drifted shut, he imagined her looking up at him once he returned. There would be no welcoming smile, but something more like laughter. A life with her would always be filled with laughter.

His hand clenched around the forgotten panties. They were soft under his thumb. He should throw them away, he thought. Forget about Monica as easily as she seemed to have forgotten about him, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He held onto them and wondered what he could do to hold on to everything.

Monica.

His Pack.

There was a future, he thought, where Monica stood beside him and his Pack smiled happily. It certainly wasn’t a future his father would have been proud of, but Nikolai was ready to say screw it to the old man. Nikolai wasn’t a power-hungry asshole. All he wanted was a life that could be considered good.

He wished Monica could be a part of that, but he wasn’t sure how to convince her if what they’d done together wasn’t enough. The idea that he wasn’t good enough crashed through his mind. He wasn’t good enough to love her, or to even keep his Pack together. The vision he craved was distant and nearly unachievable. He wasn’t sure he had it in him to get there.

If his Pack revolted, if Monica kept walking away…

His phone vibrated on the table beside him. The number on the screen surprised him.

“You left,” he growled into the phone.

Silence hummed on the other end. For a moment, he wanted to kick himself. Then, Monica surprised him.

“If I hadn’t I would have stayed.” Her voice was a purr that filled him. It sent blood south and raised things she couldn’t sate over the phone. “I needed to get my shit together before I considered staying the night.”

“What, exactly, did you need to get together? Please say a goody bag of pretty panties like the ones you left. That and some fun toys we could try out.”

Her laugh caught him off guard. It was full of life and tinged with a touch of the lust he felt.

“Is that what this is? A casual game of fuck and run?”

His heart clenched. He couldn’t decipher the tone of her words and fear struck him. What was the answer to her question that would keep her nearby, keep her orbit near his? A long moment passed while he tried to figure out the riddle of her question. “Is that what you want it to be?”

Nikolai kicked himself for the tactless question. He could have done better—so much better. Monica scrambled his brains. There wasn’t enough blood left upstairs.

Monica was silent on the other end. He needed to know what she thought, what she wanted, because he would break the world to give it to her. In every sense of the phrase.

“I want…” His breath caught when she paused. “I want to know my place in life.”

Nikolai, while his blood was still somewhere other than his brain, could think of several places for her—several positions, too. Slowly, her words released the grip of lust on him and he started to come back to himself. This was a conversation they could have had here, he thought. They could have had it while he held her.

Then again, talking probably wouldn’t be what they would do if she’d stayed.

“I don’t even know what I’m doing with my own life,” Nikolai confessed.

“Last I knew, you were trying to preserve graffiti with resin. I should have drawn a giant dick on your truck. Would you have preserved it then?”

He laughed. “I would have proudly displayed it over my king-sized bed as long as it was painted by your hands.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“I’m pretty sure you didn’t suffer earlier.”

He heard her breathing, shallow and short, on the other end. It pulled a smile over his lips. He owed her so much more than what he’d done. She’d stood by him, this woman from an enemy pack, and believed in his claim to power. She didn’t ask him when he was going to man-up, when he was going to conquer the west coast like he was some sort of conquistador.

Words bubbled to the surface, but he shoved them back down. They weren’t right for the moment. Casual flirting was fine, but nothing so deep as what he’d thought.

“That was… Well, I wouldn’t mind doing it again. If you’re lucky, I might even return the favor.”

He groaned this time. “You tease me.”

“Maybe I am only teasing. Maybe I’m making a promise. You can’t tell from all the way over there.”

“Don’t make me come to you.”

“I could make you cum to me instead,” she responded. With each turn of the conversation, she seemed to grow bolder and bolder. There was no longer a hesitation in her voice. She rose to the moment and surprised him each time.

His eyes drifted shut and he gripped her underwear. His beard smelled of her, musky and tempting. Once more, his cock rose like a mast. He imagined her back on his couch, half naked and at his mercy. No, she would never be at his mercy. She was a riotous spirit. Their lovemaking would be anything but tame.

“Try me,” he challenged.

She was quiet on the other end. Of course, he’d screwed up. He was pushing the limits of their relationship, one it seemed she didn’t even want. From the very beginning, it seemed like she’d wanted nothing more than to run away. Nikolai worried that this was very one sided. The hunger he felt for her was all there was. She probably didn’t feel the same about him.

He didn’t blame her.

He didn’t even know who he was. Monica was so perfect, so completely sure of herself. In that toned body was a fighter and an artist. There was a prankster and a soul deprived of love. He had enough to give, but if she didn’t want it from him there was nothing he could do.

“What would you like?” she mused. “Do you want my lips around the head of your cock? Perhaps, all the way to the base? Or, would you like it if I took your cock between my breasts?”

Nikolai groaned, hit with an unexpected rush of lust. Desire twisted his insides, sending nearly all of his blood south until his head swayed at the sudden loss. He had to grit his teeth to fight against the spinning sensation. Slowly, his hand drifted toward the bulge in his pants.

“What I want is you, anyway I can. Tell me what you would do if you had me at your mercy.” He would gladly put himself at her mercy. He would revel in the sound of her purr as she climbed over him, in the feeling of her tongue on his neck.

“Well,” she said. “I think I would start by…pushing you back onto the bed.”

“You can’t think of anywhere more exciting than a bed?”

Her voice dropped into a low, rumbling sound. “A bed has something for me to tie you to. Now, shush and let me finish.”

Nikolai moaned. He was sure she could hear the sounds he was making, but he didn’t know how to stop himself.

“I’d tie you up, one limb to each post of the bed. We wouldn’t bother with a blindfold. That would just be torture. I’d make you watch as I pulled off your pants, as I ripped open your shirt. I’d make you bare before me.”

“Go on,” Nikolai urged, unzipping his pants.

“No, maybe I would put a blindfold on you. I like the sound of that. Then, just when you think I’m about to see how much of your cock I can take into my mouth…” She paused.

The silence stretched on. His hand wrapped around his cock, ready to move at the sound of her voice. It pulsed in his hand. He was hungry for her, but this would have to do.

“Just when you think I’m about to suck you, I’m going to walk out and lock the door behind me.”

He growled this time. “You’re a cruel creature.”

Her laughter was worth it. It burst from her, light and airy. Slowly, he relaxed his hand. A smile spread across his face, and he leaned back into the couch.

“I know, but I owed you for the ball pit. This wasn’t the best prank, but I’m happy with it.”

“You better be careful because I’m going to get you back for this.”

“Oh, I’m waiting for it, baby.”

His heart flipped. He didn’t know if she’d done it on purpose, but she’d called him baby and it did something to him. With one word, he was wrecked. He could feel the tethers of his heart reaching out and tying him to her. He wanted to be hers by any means. It was more than wanting to be beneath her, to be buried inside her.

And, he feared it.

Could he find the person he needed to become for his Pack if he was distracted with Monica? While he knew it might be a bad idea, part of him wanted to find out. He wanted to know what it would be like to have her at his side while he figured out his life. His mind wandered, imagining awful days that she might light with her laughter. He imagined days where they were each smattered with paint, bright colors drowning out the gray shades of the world.

Finally, he let out a sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Her voice had softened for him. Gone was the sound of victory she’d held a moment ago. Now, she seemed concerned for him.

“Nothing. Good night, Monica.”

He hung up the phone before she could say anything to keep him on the line. As much as he might have wanted to love her, it was obvious that she didn’t feel the same. Each time they crashed together, she found a way to run away. Nikolai’s feelings were his and his alone. She would never share in them.

It was a sad thought, knowing how his heart had just tied itself to her. He would live with that ache as long as it meant she was able to live the life that made her happy. For her sake, he hoped she got the date she thought she was getting the other night.