Kesari

 

“You about done?” Roy asked and I glanced over at him, my chest twisting.

“Almost,” I said in detached kind of voice, turning back to analyzing a sample of snow and then slipping it into a test tube. We’d been working outside today and were the last ones left, analyzing and collecting samples from this area. “Now I am.”

He nodded at me and traipsed away, leading the way down a lonely hill to the car. The silence wasn’t strained, but it wasn’t the same. Roy had been perfectly friendly and kind the last two days, yet he was also distant. There was a coolness there and it was breaking my heart.

To make matters worse, my lie was jabbing at me and making me sick to my stomach all the time. I’d barely eaten anything the last two days and was behind on my work.

I didn’t want to go back to Berlin.

I wanted everything Roy was offering.

But I also wanted Roy.

And since I knew he didn’t feel the same way, I knew I couldn’t stick around and keep this up. Plus, I’d really thought for a second he was going to ask something different.

For a date. Or if I could think of him as more than a friend.

Wild, impossible hopes.

Ever since he got back, the tension I’d once sensed in random moments was around all the time. Suffocating me. Demanding release. And the lie seemed to make it all worse.

Clambering up in the SUV, I sat and rested my head in my hand while Roy finished up. In a way, it was a relief to be around other people and now I was dreading to be alone again.

Being alone with him made every beat of my heart a torment.

“Kes?” Roy asked, sounding startled and I jerked my head up. I hadn’t even heard him open the car door and he was eyeing me with concern. “You feeling alright?”

“Yes,” I said gallantly. “Resting my eyes is all.”

Sitting back against the seat as he got in, I stared out the window as we drove along, the snowy evening a blurry mess of gray and silver. Roy swung into a local coffee shop, bringing me back one of my favorite concoctions they had there – an espresso with chocolate and peppermint.

But I could only get down a few mouthfuls before I put it aside and went back to staring out the window. We were driving through the lonely, wooded stretch when suddenly Roy brought the SUV to a slamming stop and I stared over in bewilderment as he then jerked the wheel over to the side of the road and parked us. For a moment, there was dead silence, then Roy spoke.

“Tell me what is wrong,” he said in a low voice, turning and glaring at me.

I was so bewildered, it took me a second to answer. “N-nothing,” I said feebly.

Roy’s face went white. “You are not an adept liar. Please, out with it. You are withdrawn and pale. I have tried to be patient and not pry. But what, is it something at home? Your family?”

“Roy, it’s nothing,” I said.

“You are not drinking coffee,” Roy retorted. “It is something.” An uneasy look passed over his face. “Was it what I asked? I didn’t mean to upset you or anything.”

“No,” I said. “No. You’re worrying for nothing.”

“I am worried about you. That is never nothing for me,” Roy said. “I have given you space, now you’re going to tell me.” He paused. “We’ll sit here until you do, see if I care.”

I gaped at him as he turned off the ignition and pocketed the keys. “You can’t…” I blustered as he raised an eyebrow at me. “I could walk,” I muttered.

“Go ahead and try,” Roy said, with an edge of anger in his voice. “I know it has something to do with me, Kes. You’ve barely spared me a glance the last two days.”

“That isn’t true,” I whispered, glancing down at his hands and seeing them clench.

Roy let out a noise of frustration and I looked up to see him cross his arms, pressing back against the seat and glaring ahead. “Trust me when I tell you my patience will far outlast yours.”

His irritation was contagious and getting under my own skin. I huffed and stared out the window, but all I could sense and think of was Roy.

“This is pointless,” I snapped after ten minutes, glancing over at him.

Roy didn’t reply, but a small, satisfied smile curved up in his cheeks and he closed his eyes.

Determined not to give him the satisfaction again, I managed to hold my tongue for another fifteen minutes before I snapped out, brimming over with anger now, "This is what a mom does to trap her bratty kid. It's foolish, Roy. Let's go home at least and talk like adults.”

“Stop acting like a bratty kid and we will,” Roy replied calmly, not opening his eyes.

I sucked in a breath and then I was kicking open my door, hopping out into the snow and slamming the door closed. It was freezing, nipping hard at my bare skin and the clouds were racing across the sky. Stars could be seen if you caught them quick enough, but I was too busy stomping off.

"Kesari, what are you doing?" Roy yelled and I tried to pick up my pace. But Roy was Roy. He appeared in front of me, fuming and the air crackled between us. "Get back in the car before you freeze. Now. Or I will drag you back there.”

“No,” I snapped. “You’re so stubborn and macho, always thinking you can just swoop in and do whatever you want to get the results. Not going to work with me.”

“So, something is wrong,” Roy said, sounding subdued. “Hey!”

I’d tried to dart around him and he blocked me. “Leave me alone!”

“No,” Roy said, his voice fierce and suddenly I was being thrown over a shoulder and carried through the snow. I tried to hit his back, but I couldn’t reach. He landed me on my feet and pushed me against the car, his arms entrapping me as he fixed me with a blue glare.

Stubbornly, I looked down and crossed my arms.

“Talk to me,” he said, his voice tinged with desperation. “Please.”

My anger was fading as quickly as it had come and the agony bubbled up. “It’s not something you can fix and it will only make you feel bad,” I said before I could stop myself.

“Try me,” Roy said, his voice sharp and worried.

Looking up, I saw the Roy I knew standing there, a stark kind of misery all over his face. Maybe he hadn’t been as composed the last two days as I thought.

“It’s better this way,” I said.

Roy’s face darkened. “It is not. I hate this. You’re a thousand miles away and you’re standing right here.” His hand rose to touch my face and before I could stop myself, I flinched back.

Something crossed his face and I dropped my eyes, suddenly struggling to breathe. “Roy…”

“You are afraid.” He sounded surprised. “That’s what it is. There is fear in your eyes and I couldn’t see it before. I didn’t think… You never struck me as… But, then I was there that night…”

My chest constricted as I went still and my cheeks flamed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not afraid of anything.” The lie seemed to stick in my teeth. “And what night?”

“In Greece,” Roy said and I sucked in a sharp breath. “It’s the same look that was on your face in Greece, Kesari. You can’t lie to me about that.” At that, I had to look up at him. There was a gentle compassion there that made me want to cry. “I know, because it scared me, too. Hell,” he let out a small laugh. “I’m scared now.”

I couldn’t find the words to respond.

“Maybe it’s less scary together,” he murmured. “Less scary when said out loud. The intensity and the falling.” Roy let out a shaky breath and gazed at me. “I’ll go first.”

My heart was rising and falling, each beat like a swell of a wave and I shuddered a little.

“I am scared of losing you.”

I watched Roy, the vulnerability in his blue eyes stark and open. Right there.

Quivering all over and not from the cold, I couldn’t look away.

“I’m terrified of telling you all this, but more so of not telling you, too,” Roy went on, his voice raw in his throat. “I hate the idea of waking up and you not being there. I don’t want to miss anything, not one smile or laugh, or even tears, or you being mad because I’m an idiot. I want it all.”

“Oh,” I said in a tiny, breathless voice.

“Kesari?” he asked, eyes searching my face.

Biting my lip, tears brimming, I swallowed and blurted out, “How can it be me?”

Pulling back, Roy’s expression clouded and then became fierce. “What?”

“You’ve been a Runner for so long maybe this is just because – it could have been…” I trailed off as his eyes sparkled at me. “Been anyone. I’m not…”

"You don't honestly believe that Kes," Roy said in a rough voice. "You're a confident, brilliant and beautiful woman. And you know that. Believe me, I know that, too." When I didn't respond, he went on, "I enjoy living with you. I enjoy it more every day. I want to see you every day – those days in San Francisco were terrible. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, believe me.” He paused. “You make me laugh. You bring joy everywhere you go.

“Remember that story I told you, about falling through the ice?” He paused and I nodded. “I didn’t know that had happened to me in my life until you came along. You woke me up. You brought me into the light. You… Of course, it’s you.” His hands shook. “Kesari.”

“I hated when you were in San Francisco, too. But this feeling,” I whispered and Roy gave me a look that nearly took my breath away. “This burning and longing – it gets worse every day.”

Roy smiled slightly. “I’m there, too. It’s like I can’t breathe without you.”

Eyes widening, I nodded. That was exactly it.

“What happens if you get sick of me or we fight or if you get hurt?” I asked. “What if–?”

“Jumping the gun as usual,” Roy said with a chuckle. “And fear of what might happen – though it won’t if I have anything to say about it – that should stop us now?” He let out a breath. “I’ll walk away if you want me to Kesari, but nothing is going to change how I feel about you. I tried to fight it at first, too. Don’t make that face, you fought it, too. Maybe that’s why we fell so hard.

“But I’m glad I didn’t win that battle. I’m glad I broke all my rules and lost. In losing, I got the best thing ever,” Roy was inches away. “I got you. Even if this is the end, I’ll still have this time to remember. I’ll still have met you. I’ll still have spent these months with you, in your light and laughter.”

“Roy,” I said, reaching up to touch his face as my heart overflowed and seemed to banish away all of my fears, like light scattering shadows. “I’m scared of losing you, too.”

His hands were at my waist pulling me closer until we were flush and the blue of his eyes was glowing with a fevered happiness. “I think I have to kiss you now.”

My heart took off and I stared at him, tongue-tied. Roy smirked.

“You should see your face. It’s adorable.” Tilting his head to the side, he asked, “Any objection?” I couldn’t speak, only shook my head as my other hand fisted in his jacket. “I didn’t think so,” he murmured as he bent his head slowly. Roy was deliberate, taking in every detail and then his breath brushed across my lips.

Looking at him, I had the sense of living a rare moment out of time. One of beauty and eternity. The blue of the twilight sky, stars scintillating above his head, the crisp smell of snow and the hum of a distant wind. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or scream at him to hurry up.

Our lips met, slow and sweet at first.

I was giddy, eyes closing and then Roy gripped me harder. I gasped. Now it was urgent, impatient, and making up for all of those squandered moments we’d missed before.

My hands were around his neck, running up into his hair and he let out a deep sound of satisfaction that had my toes curling. I never wanted to stop kissing Roy, even if meant the world would burn down around us or I would stop breathing.

He was my breath, my world, and my heart.

Suddenly Roy laughed and we broke apart, breathless. I couldn’t help it, I frowned a little and he pushed his hands into my hair, holding my face.

“Why did you stop?” I asked when I could.

“I didn’t mean to,” Roy murmured, still playing with my hair. “I just – when I thought about kissing you, it wasn’t on the side of the road in a snowy field.”

I laughed even as my heart purred. “You thought about kissing me?”

Roy flushed and tried to smirk. “Maybe.”

“What else did you think about?” I teased.

“Too long a list to get into here,” he said. I shivered at that and Roy’s face became concerned.

“Let’s go home,” I said and his eyebrows went up, as a hilarious look of alarm and anticipation crossed his face. “You should see your face. It’s adorable.”

“Lord, Kes,” Roy muttered, his hands falling to my shoulders. “I was never expecting – I mean we can take all the time necessary. I am not going to–" He was stammering now and I laughed.

I shivered again and realized the temperature was dropping fast. “It’s supposed to get below freezing tonight. Way below,” I said innocently. “Maybe I just don’t want to be cold.”

Roy closed his eyes and let out a helpless laugh. “You – what did I do before I met you?”

“Mm, mostly stare moodily at mountains and say the wrong thing,” I teased.

Giving me a look, Roy glanced around and nodded, “Well, we can’t stay here forever.”

I glanced around, too, memorizing every last detail. “This can be our spot. Random snowy field, perfect for kissing.”

When I looked back at Roy, he was giving me a look that took my breath away. Soft and sincere, with his gorgeous smile and warmth in his blue eyes. “Ours,” he said.

At that, I got up on my tiptoes and pulled his face to mine, kissing him until I thought my feet were going to fall off and I didn’t even care.