Kesari

 

“Talori, I’m heading upstairs now,” I called out as I tossed my lab coat on a hook and headed out the door. With my laptop under my arm, I skirted through the hallway expertly, nodding to people and then taking the stairs two at a time. Swinging into the “break-room,” I got myself a cup of coffee and smiled brilliantly over at two agents reviving over their own.

Sipping at the coffee, I headed for the office, wondering about dinner instead of work. Roy had been scrupulous the last few days about getting us out by five or six p.m. – even to stealing my laptop and threatening to carry me.

Each day, a little more, the air between us relaxed. In fact, I didn’t even mind the morning workouts now, although I’d overslept twice and woken up to Roy grumbling at me in Icelandic. Or maybe Russian. This morning I’d rolled back over and he’d swept the blankets off my bed.

A soft laugh escaped me now even though I’d yelled at him ten hours ago.

About to open the door, I heard him speaking to someone and stopped, fingers on the knob. He must have been on the phone, from the way he was speaking, then stopping. But it was the note in his voice that had me pulling my hand back. One of deep and worn out frustration.

“Grandfather, it has been over a month. If I want to go back, I can…” A deep sigh. “I already told you, she didn’t force her hand – the Heads agreed. Mirois told me as much.” Now a bitter laugh. “I am not working for Drax, Grandfather. I draw the line at that.” Pause. “What do you mean selfish?”

There was pain in that word. Whoever was talking to Roy knew how to push his buttons, apply the right amount of pressure and when. My throat burned as I listened to him try to get a word in. Roy wasn’t selfish! All he did was give himself to the SOA. A little too much, if you ask me.

“I have work to do. No, I’m not trying to… What have I done that betrays the family?”

I laid a hand on the door and a sudden upsurge of sadness went through me. I thought of my parents, loveable and lively, discussing anything from Max Ernst to Galileo to Proust to Manet to Grey’s Anatomy. I’d always known I’d had an idyllic childhood, one of love and support.

And I had a feeling, from Talori’s hints and Piper’s eyes, that Roy had not.

“Yes, I’ll think about that. Yes. Goodbye.” Roy let out a frustrated sigh and muttered, “Why is nothing I do ever enough? Why is it always like this?” Followed by something sarcastic in Russian.

I wanted to barge in there and do something. Just like the Weslarks did. But all I could think of was a hug and I knew Roy wouldn’t go for that.

Backing away, I decided to give him some space when the laptop slipped down from under my elbow, the coffee in that same hand wobbling. Bending my knees to catch it, I lost my balance and fell heavily on my ass, the coffee flying, upward and forward and spraying the door and me, while the laptop banged into my thigh as I saved it.

The door snapped open at that moment and Roy looked down at me, glasses askew, coffee dripping down my cheek and the guiltiest expression in the world.

“Probably a sign you are cut off for the day,” he remarked, coming forward and offering me a hand.

Tentatively I took it the bandage rubbing my palm and for a second, it distracted me. Roy’s hands had become as familiar as my own. Large and rough-skinned, but dexterous for all that. His fingers were sturdy, knuckles even and square. The tips of my fingers only came to his mid-knuckle.

"Have you changed your bandage today?" I asked as he pulled me to my feet and inside. The door shutting behind us made me jump and I hugged my laptop, sure I was about to get scolded. "What about the coffee?" I asked as he walked over to the table. "I should clean that."

Picking up his phone, Roy pressed a button and said, “Kesari dumped coffee all over the second floor. Can someone take care of it when they have a second and bring us two?” He gave me a small smile as he leaned against the table and folded his arms. “All set.”

“Roy, I’m sorry,” I burst out, following him and setting down the laptop. I placed my hands flat on the table and stared down at it. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop… I’m the worst.”

“Don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t have answered,” Roy said vaguely.

Turning, I sat on the table next to him and kicked my feet. “You know, you’re doing really great here. I mean, the first few weeks were rough, but now everyone has a rhythm and people are pretty happy. Especially, y’know, for working in the mountains in the middle of winter.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Roy answered shortly.

“Of course, it does!” I exclaimed.

He glanced down at me, startled and then began to prowl around the room. “It is not that, Kesari, it’s that it does not matter how good a job I do here – it is not what they want.”

“Who’s they?” I asked indignantly, scowling and folding my arms. “Let me talk to them and they’ll get the story straight.”

Roy gazed at me as one his rare and spectacular smiles spread across his face. The one that made it hard to breathe and my cheeks flush, all for no reason.

“I bet you would,” he murmured, rubbing a hand along his cheek.

A knock came at that moment and it seemed to wake him up, his smile was gone as he opened the door. A rookie agent, Kole Heriot, with a friendly smile and thick brunette curls, brought in our coffees. I thanked him, staring down at it and setting it aside as he left.

Roy was hurting right now, I realized. I could see it in his gaze. Some old wound was dogging him as he wandered around the room aimlessly.

“My previous job,” he suddenly said and I stared at him. He was talking to me, telling me things and my entire body quivered with anticipation and anxiety. “It’s a job with a high turnover rate. Not many agents want it. It’s not glamorous, it’s lonely and it’s hard. Requires a lot of discretion, a lot of travel and a lot of running around, basically. A Runner. Changed from day to day.”

Roy was quiet for a moment and I worked up the nerve to ask, “Do you miss it?”

“No,” he said, quickly and in a tone of surprise. “I thought I would. But I don’t think I realized how tired I was of that life until… I got used to it.” His eyes met mine briefly. “Now, I don’t know if I can go back.” A wry smile flitted across his face. “Piper, damn her, is always right.”

“Is that so bad?” I asked, wishing I had more insight into the structure of SOA. “Changing jobs?” You seem to like this. You’re good at scientific research. Why wouldn’t you do that?

“Not for anyone else in Shifters of Anubis.” Roy’s gazed darkened. “But for a Zima, I have done the unforgivable. I’ve taken a cushy job with an academic bent and now we’ve lost direct access to the Heads.” His voice was bitter as he stared out the window. “That’s why, even though it wasn’t too brag-worthy, my mother’s side of the family wanted me there. It was strategic. Influence and family name goes a long way in Shifters of Anubis. With me as a Runner, I was placed to ensure both.”

Again, I thought of my family, my heart beating hard now as I curled my hands around the edges of the table. No one ever tried to force my hand or used me to advance some political goal. I couldn’t imagine even my uptight French grandmother saying I betrayed her.

Roy placed his mug on his desk and raked his hands through his hair. "I'm tired. I'm so tired of this. At least the one good thing about being a Runner is that I was appeasing the Zimas and far away enough from them and the Weslarks that no one could bother me.

“Now, I’m here and while I like this work – it is satisfying – it cannot last.”

I’d never heard him sound so defeated. His eyes closed and his shoulders sagged.

That’s why he didn’t see me coming. Flying across the floor, in one second, I’d thrown my arms around him and pressed my cheek into the center of his chest. Roy went very still, but I didn’t let go. If anything, I think I held on tighter.

"It can!" I said fiercely. "It absolutely can. This is why you don't want to talk about your Ph.D., isn't it? They made you give that up." Tears burned in my eyes at the unfairness of it. "I knew it was something like that. I just knew it."

Something like a laugh or a sigh loosened from Roy’s chest and his arms settled around me. And for the first time in weeks, I didn’t feel cold or lukewarm. I was hot, burning hot as his breath stirred my hair and he said nothing. Instead, his cheek pressed against the top of my head and I closed my eyes, a little sigh escaping me.

Don’t let go.

“Kesari?” Roy whispered, my name thrumming with intensity.

At that moment, there was a booming knock that had us leaping apart and Finni walked in. He was absorbed in a report, talking a mile a minute, so he didn’t see me pick up my laptop and flee, red-faced, to an empty room at the end of the hall.

There, I stood against the wall and then slid down to the floor, adrenaline coursing through my body, along with fear. So much fear, I couldn’t breathe.

I was remembering the look in Piper’s eyes that night in Greece. When I’d failed her. Scrambled away as she wept over Balt, as though she’d been pierced through the heart with ragged metal. Begging him not to leave her.

Her anguish was such that it had triggered a long-dormant healing gift and she’d saved him, but only barely. Balt had almost been gone.

The way he’d looked at her in the split second before he’d kissed her… I could still recall that feeling – a mixture of envy, awe, and fear. I couldn't imagine someone looking at me like that.

But at the same time, I didn’t want that.

I wanted safe and comfortable. I didn’t want to give all of myself away. I couldn’t.

It was shameful, but I was too afraid.

Pushing up my glasses, I rubbed my eyes and realized they were wet.

 

After a poor night of sleep, I eventually gave up and started getting ready to train a half-hour before I had to. And winced each step of the way at my reaction from the night before. I’d taken care to avoid Roy and get into bed early. But now I knew I was being silly.

We were friends. It was fine. He’d needed a hug and I’d given him one. Per usual I was making a molehill into a mountain.

After I made myself and Roy green protein smoothies, I left his on the counter, knowing he’d be along any minute to grab it and headed down to the basement. Sipping it and stretching my legs, I let my thoughts drift and once again, my mind flashed back to that hug.

Almost dropping the smoothie, I set it aside and pressed my hands to my burning cheeks. It wasn’t a big deal! Why was I torturing myself about this? Why did I have to recall so perfectly the way Roy’s arms locked around my back or the way he smelled of clean, fresh soap, a hint of sharpness and heat, almost like cinnamon, along with a deeper note of sandalwood.

So, I’d noticed he’d smelled good before, too, I argued with myself. I’m imagining things.

Oh, what things? asked a wicked voice in the back of my head.

Resolutely I put it out of my mind, finishing my smoothie and beginning to warm up. As I walked over to the punching bag, I paused and squinted at it. Had something moved on it? Without my glasses on, my vision was blurry around the edges and I moved closer.

The thing scuttled away and I screamed. Something with too many legs and feelers along an inch-long body moved rapidly down the bag. Backpedaling, I smacked straight into Roy, who caught my shoulders and I looked up to see him frowning around the basement.

“Oh my God!” I yelped at him. “Don’t stand there! Get it! Before it escapes, I’ll never sleep again.” I thought I saw movement and let out another, squeakier scream, before running upstairs.

Roy came up a minute later as I was leaning against the counter, taking gulps of coffee and trying to forget how close I was to that thing. A shudder went through me.

“It was a house centipede,” he said slowly.

“Did you get it? Oh, please tell you got it and do not lie!” I cried out.

“It was a house centipede,” Roy said again. “I thought maybe you had found a dead body from the sounds of it. I think you screamed louder about the bug, which, yes, is gone by the way, then the hybrid attack.”

Roy tossed a wadded-up paper towel in the trash and came over to stand next to me.

“Thank you,” I said stiffly, taking another shot of coffee.

Suddenly Roy began to laugh, deep and unchecked laughter, hugging his stomach and bending over. I glared at him as he did so, watching as he took pleasure in my fear for several minutes, until he finally straightened and put a hand on his face.

“I thought you were…” An arm was slung around my shoulders and Roy let out another laugh. “You make me laugh, Kesari. God, you are too funny.”

His tone, face, and posture were all perfectly friendly. I gave him a tight smile and he laughed, letting me go and heading back downstairs.

I lingered a moment, telling myself I should feel reassured. I had absolutely been imagining things. We were friends.

So, why the sudden and contradictory crack of pain in my chest?