Chapter 26
It’s like losing Daniel all over again.
Only seven the next morning, Lily had been awake since four. Okay, that wasn’t quite true. She’d never fallen asleep, just laid in the darkened room, stared at the ceiling and felt numb. She’d observed the play of light from the street lamp outside her window reflect off her ceiling, change color from slate gray to dove to off-white as the sun rose above the concrete horizon.
It was over. Granted, Gideon hadn’t said anything to that effect; he hadn’t said anything at all. But his gaze had spoken volumes. Those expressive eyes with their innumerable shades of brown—chocolate, amber, hazel, cognac—each color reflected a different mood. Last night, they blackened in anger and shame. Lily had never been afraid of him, had never had any reason to be, but last night, those eyes behind his glasses frightened her. How such a warm color could look so cold, she’d never know. Although Lily had done the only thing with Elaine she could have done, she understood Gideon found her actions unforgivable. In his mind, she’d chosen Elaine over him. She’d left him no escape from Elaine’s humiliation, so he had no choice but to leave her. At least, that was the conclusion she formed on her own. Maybe there was another reason for his behavior, but without his talking to her, it was impossible for her to know.
His refusal to talk to her was killing her. Her muscles were sore, like she’d run a marathon. She understood from the very beginning that he had issues. Her throat ached every time he showed his uncertainty. They’d fought through them, though, and she’d hoped he’d learned to trust in her. Seeing how far he’d come had made her feel like together, they could conquer the world. But no matter how much progress they’d made, he didn’t trust her. She should give up on him. Forget about all of his wonderful qualities. Except she couldn’t. Because despite everything, she’d fallen in love with him.
Now she sat in the kitchen drinking coffee, the rim of her coffee mug hurting her bruised lip, as she waited for Claire to wake up. The strong aroma of French Roast did nothing but turn her stomach. The only reason she drank it was to have something to do. They were supposed to go to Samantha’s today for brunch, but Lily didn’t feel up to it. Her body was like lead and ached everywhere. It was all she could do to drag herself out of bed and make coffee; each joint protested as she forced them to move in their accustomed patterns. She’d felt like this after Daniel died, after she’d grieved. Like life would be endless alone. The worst part about it was, she’d allowed herself to believe in a different future, that love could happen twice.
Not to mention Claire. What in the world was she going to say to her? Lily dropped her head into her arms and cried.
The sound of footsteps made her look up and wipe her face. Claire stood there, watching her.
“What’s wrong, Mom?” She rushed over, an anxious expression on her face.
“Nothing, sweetie. I’m just a little sad this morning.” Lily finished wiping her face and hugged Claire. She relished the feel of her daughter’s body in her arms.
“Well, let’s call Gideon. He always makes me feel better when I’m sad.” She pulled away and rushed to the phone. Lily grabbed it.
“No, honey, I don’t think he can help me. Why don’t you and I go out for a special breakfast today, just the two of us?”
“But isn’t it Sunday? We always eat with Samantha on Sunday, Mom. I’d rather do that.” She skipped toward her room, oblivious to Lily’s pain.
She sighed, dumped the rest of her coffee in the sink, and got dressed.
They arrived at Samantha’s and Tony greeted them. He took one look at Lily’s face, made eye contact with Samantha, and took Claire into the other room.
“Come on, kiddo, let’s play a game.”
Samantha took the bagels from Lily and steered her into the kitchen. Too tired to protest, she let herself be directed into a vinyl-covered chair. Samantha pushed her into the chair, handed her a cup of hot tea, and sat next to her. The beverage did nothing to warm her. If anything, she was colder.
“What happened?”
“I think Gideon and I broke up.” Lily dissolved into tears. Her chest ached and her heart shattered. Samantha sat with her and rubbed her shoulder.
Tony, having left Claire to set up the game, hovered nearby. “Hey, Claire, what do you say we grab some breakfast and go over to the center to play?”
“That’s great, Tony!” Claire cried with glee. “Bye!” she called out. The apartment stilled and it felt like the world stopped spinning on its axis. When Lily calmed enough to speak, she told Samantha everything that happened, starting with running into Elaine and ending up at Gideon’s apartment. Her throat was raw by the end and it was all she could do not to dissolve into tears again.
“But he didn’t say specifically he didn’t want to see you again, did he?” Samantha asked.
Reliving the memories of last night filled her with pain. “Sam, if you had seen his face and heard his tone, you wouldn’t ask that question.”
“Couldn’t it just be a reaction to the shock of seeing Elaine? You know how he handles things—get upset first and apologize later.” Her voice was soothing, but it didn’t help.
Lily shook her head. “No, we’re finished.” She could feel it deep in her bones. No matter how hard she’d tried, she hadn’t been able to get through to him.
“I feel like it’s my fault,” Samantha anguished. “If I hadn’t given you guys the tickets, none of this would have happened.”
She’d shown him numerous times that he could have faith in her, that she saw the man behind the wheels. But it hadn’t mattered. “It’s not your fault, Sam. Deep down, regardless of everything we’ve been through, Gideon just doesn’t trust me. And honestly, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me.” If he didn’t trust her feelings for him, what else wouldn’t he trust? Any relationship built without trust would crumble. Maybe not right away, but eventually. She wouldn’t do that to herself or to Claire, no matter how much it hurt.
“I don’t think it’s you, Lil. He has this block when it comes to Elaine, and unfortunately he can’t get past it. If I had seen her, I would have killed her.”
“Great, I would have lost the man I love and my best friend, all in one day. No thanks!” She wiped the tears away.
The two women hugged. Samantha’s patchouli perfume didn’t calm Lily like it usually did.
“I wish I could do something for you, Lily.”
“Me too. I feel like I did when Daniel died, and I thought I could never feel that bad again.” And she had no idea how she’d survive.
****
Gideon rolled through his apartment. White-hot anger filled his belly and burned his throat. He’d give anything to be able to get out of his chair and run, mile after mile until all of the rage oozed out of his pores with his sweat and he left it in the dust. But instead, he was stuck in this chair, and he slammed his fist against the wheel rim in frustration.
He swiped his arm over his desk and sent a stack of papers flying. They scattered across the floor and he swore. He jabbed his fingers through his hair, no longer stiff with gel. It flopped on his hand. He had to finish this presentation. He’d worked on it all morning, but couldn’t concentrate on it for more than five minutes without images from last night running through his mind.
Of all the people to run into, they’d run into Elaine. You’d think it would be easy to avoid someone in a city the size of New York. It wasn’t like they had the same interests—if he was honest with himself, they’d never had, even when they dated—or associated with the same people, or liked the same food. In three years, he hadn’t run into her once, but last night, the gods rebelled and his world had fallen apart. She’d seen him, humiliated him, and Lily had taken her side. Granted, she claimed to have tried to help him out, but she’d still chosen Elaine over him, heard Elaine’s side of the story.
On his refrigerator hung a picture Claire drew for him. The bright colors matched those that flashed behind his eyes in his fury. What was he supposed to do now? He tore the sheet off the fridge. The Boston magnet skittered on the floor and slid under the stove. He balled the paper in his hand. The waxy, crayon scent floated to his nose and reminded him of the day he’d gone to Claire’s school. His heart constricted and he hunched over. His chest ached, his heart stuttered and his stomach was filled with acid. He never should have gotten involved with Lily, especially when he found out about her kid. It was bad enough breaking up with someone he loved—and he had one, and soon to be more, sleepless nights to prove that—but Claire made it worse. He loved that kid as if she were his own. His arms ached to hug her. In despair, he smoothed out the paper and traced his fingers over the thick crayon lines.
A knock on his door startled him and he left the crumpled drawing on the counter as he went to answer it. He gripped the cold doorknob. What if it is Lily? His breath caught in his throat and he listened for the slightest sound of her. No. She wouldn’t return. He shook his head to clear it and opened the door. Samantha and Tony stood there. They knew. How did they find out? Oh yeah, it’s Sunday. Brunch. She’d told them. He stared at their somber faces and dared them to utter a word.
“Can we come in?” Samantha asked. She blinked, as if she were imprinting his red eyes, messy hair framing a drawn face in her brain. They continued to stare at each other until finally, he reversed without a word and went into the kitchen to make coffee. They followed.
“So how are you doing?” Samantha asked. Tony kept quiet. His sister could learn a lot from him.
“Fine.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t seem fine.”
Gideon spun around. He glared at her, and Samantha flinched, as if she resisted the urge to duck. She stared at him, chin raised. His gaze bounced off her and moved to Tony, who also stared at him. That’s it, I’m telling them to leave. But as much as his brain wanted to do that, his heart wouldn’t let him. There were only so many times he could push the same people away. They loved him. He just couldn’t do it. He wilted, slightly. “What do you want me to say?” Fatigue made him sound hoarse as each word scraped its way out of his mouth.
“Why did you and Lily break up?” Samantha asked. Her crestfallen expression tore at him.
“Because it wasn’t going to work.” His shoulders ached with tension. What does she want me to say? I broke up with Lily because she chose Elaine over me?
“Why not?”
“Sam, we never should have gotten involved in the first place.” His stomach clenched. “Neither of us wanted that kind of relationship and she deserved more than I could give her.” His mouth tightened. “It wasn’t meant to be.” He clenched his fists. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but that’s just the way it goes.” A part of him died inside as he finished speaking.
“Bull. You’re lying to yourself, putting up walls so you won’t be hurt again.” Her eyes flashed. “Fine, go ahead and do that, but you won’t be living—really living—with that wall. And the only one you’ll have to blame is yourself.” Her chest heaved with emotion.
Gideon froze as the fury from last night and this morning threatened to boil over. The stillness magnified the tick of the kitchen clock, the whir of the coffee maker, the hum of the refrigerator. Tony put his hand over Samantha’s. She backed down, and Gideon thawed.
“Gideon, I love you,” Samantha said as her tone softened. “You know that. And I haven’t seen you happier than when you were with Lily. The two of you were perfect together.”
Memories washed over him. Her laughter pealed in his ear, her jasmine scent overshadowed the rich aroma of fresh-made coffee, and her sweet kisses made his lips tremble. He flared his nostrils as he concentrated on breathing; even that task required his complete attention, because every moment of every day she was there, a part of him. And now, without her, he was ripped open.
“I know you have this thing about Elaine, but do you want to let her wreck your happiness again?”
Gideon cleared his throat. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He swallowed. “It’s too late, Sam.”
She leaned over, hugged him hard and walked out the door. Tony paused.
“I don’t agree with your choice, Gideon, but I’ll support you no matter what. You know that, don’t you?”
He blinked. “Yes,” he rasped, grateful for Tony’s friendship. They clasped hands, and Tony followed Samantha out the door. Gideon grabbed a picture frame and threw it across the room. When it shattered, he bowed his head as their footsteps echoed in the hall.