Chapter 17
Gideon held his breath and counted the rings—one…two…three. They jarred his eardrum and sent shards of regret down his spine. He closed his eyes as he cursed himself, pushing the bridge of his glasses against his face so hard, he’d swear they left a mark. A sudden silence made them fly open again and he waited with baited breath until Lily spoke.
“Hello?” The sound of her voice squeezed his heart.
“Tony called me a bastard.” He waited for her to respond, but the quiet dragged and panic rose in his throat. He’d have to work for her forgiveness, and the thought of possibly not being able to get it terrified him. “You apparently agree.” He was used to a lot of different responses from her, but this lack of response wasn’t one of them. She’d never been afraid to yell at him or tell him off when he’d offended her. In point of fact, she was pretty good at it. He’d never much liked it before, but it was preferable to this silent treatment. Gideon started to sweat. He had to get her to open up. He had to apologize, but he didn’t know how to do it without changing their relationship into something he couldn’t handle, yet the relationship they had wasn’t enough for him either. He wanted more. “Talk to me, Lil. Please?”
She sighed. “I have nothing to say.”
Her response was worse. Everything he loved about her voice—its lilt, its life, its music—evaporated. Instead, she spoke in a monotone, as if the effort to form words was wasted on him. She’d given up on him.
His heart dropped to his toes. “That’s a first,” he said in an effort to cheer her. He listened for the short intake of breath, a quick catch in her voice, a low chuckle, anything to get rid of the knot in his stomach.
Instead, she exploded. “I’m so mad, I could spit! I’ve done nothing since meeting you but tiptoe around you and watch out for your feelings,” she said in a rush. “I’m not perfect, I admit it. I understand I embarrassed you tonight, and I’m sorry.” She paused, her breath rasping in his ears. “As the words came out of my mouth, I realized I shouldn’t have said anything, but it was too late. But it doesn’t give you the right to trample all over my feelings.” She paused again, and this time Gideon swore he heard a muffled sob. “You treat me like garbage, and when you should be apologizing, telling me how wrong you were, you’re sarcastic and rude. I keep asking myself why I’m putting myself through this. Why I bother with you?” Her voice trailed off.
Chills rolled down Gideon’s spine. His sweat turned icy cold at her torrent of words. The knot in his stomach expanded and he thought his heart would burst. He’d made her cry. Time slowed. He was aware of every detail around him. The tick of the clock pounded in his ears, the hairs on his arms stood on end, and he swallowed the brackish taste of fear that rose from the pit of his stomach into his throat. What he would give now for her silence, instead of hearing in her voice everything he hated about himself. The apology on his lips evaporated. What could he possibly say to fix this?
“Have you figured it out?” His voice sounded odd, like it came from a distance and he longed to join it, to get away from the situation, from himself.
“I don’t know. I’m tired, Gideon. I’m tired of not knowing where I stand with you and I’m tired of fighting.” She sounded defeated, and it pierced his soul. “You’ve made it clear you want to be alone, and I’m going to listen to you. I’m going to leave you alone, because I just can’t keep doing this anymore. Find another date for the wedding.”
She was going to hang up on him. He could hear it in her tone, practically see her finger moving to the disconnect button. If he let that happen, he’d lose her. And the fear of losing her outweighed everything else. “Wait!” He gripped the phone and cursed himself for not going to her apartment. He wanted to see her face, needed her to see his, to see how sincere he was. Why couldn’t he just say the words?
“I can’t do this anymore, Gideon.” Her voice was filled with sorrow.
“Lily, please. I’m sorry.” He pounded his fist against his thigh. “I should have said I was sorry as soon as you answered the phone. I should have said it at the restaurant as soon as those words came out of my mouth. I did a terrible thing and I’m sorry.” He removed his glasses. “I’m sorry for what I said at the restaurant. I’m sorry for everything I put you through before the restaurant. You deserve better. And I want to be the one who gives it to you. If you’re willing to give me another chance, I promise I’ll change. I can’t promise you I’ll be perfect…”
“Ha,” she snorted.
A small ray of hope penetrated his soul. She was coming back to him. He dared a small smile and continued, “…but I’ll try. If you’re willing.” He waited. When she didn’t answer, he held his breath, certain she’d hang up the phone and it would be over.
“All right,” she whispered.
He released his breath with a whoosh and slumped forward in his chair, a great big pile of ooze now that the fear that held him together disappeared. He rested his hot forehead in his cold hand and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “All right,” he repeated. His breath came in gasps and he felt like he’d run the N.Y. Marathon.
“You owe me big time, you know, especially after tonight.” Her lilt was back, even if it was a little subdued.
Gideon grinned. She’d forgiven him.
“Dinner tomorrow night. Okay?”
“Aren’t you Mr. Confident,” she goaded, sounding once again like her old self. “What makes you sure I’ll agree?”
“Because Amici’s makes the best chocolate soufflé in the city.”
“My pride for chocolate. You’re right, I’ll be there. What time?”
“Six. Meet me at the community center.”
“Okay. Bye.”
She’d forgiven him and he was the luckiest man on earth. All the tension he’d felt suddenly released. “Oh, and Lily?”
“Yeah?”
“I’d like you to come to the wedding. If you still want to.” He waited.
“I’d like that too,” she murmured. He exhaled.
****
Lily paused outside the community center the next evening. It was only five thirty, but for once in her life she wasn’t late. If she’d stayed at her apartment with Tara and Claire, she feared she’d have difficulty leaving. Since the two of them were involved in an activity, she’d slipped away. She’d debated browsing in the bookstore until six o’clock, but it seemed silly to go for a short time. By the time she got there, she’d have to leave again. Hopefully, Gideon wouldn’t mind her arriving early. Gideon. Giving him a second chance was scary. So many times he’d pushed her away, thrown up walls and yelled at her for no reason. But there were chinks in his armor, and through those chinks she’d seen the man he kept hidden. And that man? That man was worth a second chance.
She opened the door and a cacophony of noises assaulted her—children yelling, whistles blowing, music blaring. She drank it all in. Nothing like the exuberance of kids to relieve her daily stress. As she crossed the main lobby, she peeked into the gymnasium. A bunch of boys played basketball, the sounds of rubber against polyurethane muted through the fire doors, but Gideon wasn’t with them. She moved on to the game room, where the pings, squawks and beeps of video games kept kids’ eyes glued to the screen. Still nothing. As she entered the study hall, the sounds of pen scratching greeted her as some kids did homework while others watched TV. Tony sat at a desk monitoring the kids and finishing paperwork.
“Hey Tony, have you seen Gideon? We’re meeting for dinner, but I’m a little early.”
“Last I saw him he was at the pool.” He stared at her. “Things between you are okay now? Last night…”
She nodded. “We had a long talk.”
“I hope you gave him hell,” he said. “I certainly did.”
She circled round the desk and hugged him. “Thank you.”
He patted her back. “You’re welcome. Pool is down the hall to your left—follow the chlorine smell. You can’t miss it.”
Lily huffed and waved before following Tony’s directions. She did indeed smell chlorine as she walked down the hall. Children’s artwork—some of it well done—hung on yellow-painted cement block walls. Three doors down, past the girls’ and boys’ locker rooms, she found the pool entrance. She pushed open the door, stood there and waited to adjust to the change in temperature. It had to be eighty-something degrees, and in her pantsuit and jacket, she started to sweat. Not the best thing to do before a date. She pictured her hair frizzing in the humidity. She removed her jacket and folded it over her arm then scanned the pool area.
Colorful buoys and ropes bobbed in the water and divided the Olympic-sized pool into swim lanes. A board on the wall at one end of the pool listed swim team members and their times. At the other end, a raised area housed a hot tub. Signs posted around the pool reminded swimmers to shower before entering, not to run and not to dive in the shallow end. The bleachers, like much of the pool, were empty. In fact, there was only one swimmer in the pool, using lane three. He wore black swim trunks and goggles and swam freestyle from one end to the other without stopping. She instantly recognized Gideon, and stared at him.
His hair was a deep honey color when wet. His body was long and lean; the upper body strong and powerful. Muscles bulged as he sliced his arms gracefully through the water. In the pool, he moved with a grace and fluidity he couldn’t attain on land and Lily got a glimpse of what he must have been like before his accident. Her heart ached for him, but she was also proud of the man he’d become. He swam several more laps, and although she’d made no noise nor drawn any attention to herself, Gideon looked up before beginning the next lap. He swam over to the edge of the pool, pushed his goggles on his head and folded his arms on the edge.
“Hi. Am I running late?” Water dripped down his face and shoulders and his eyes lit up.
“No, I’m early,” Lily squatted and rested her elbows on her knees. “I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, I just hope you won’t be bored.” He rubbed his face.
She raked her gaze over his muscular, glistening body and smirked. “Oh, I won’t be.” Not at all. It took all her strength not to lick her lips.
He reddened as he said, “Let me finish my laps and shower. I should be ready in about twenty minutes. Is that okay?” There was a softness about him, an ease she hadn’t seen before.
“Don’t worry about me.” Lily rose and approached the bleachers, as she continued to stare at him over her shoulder. She sat and observed as he completed five more laps. He got out of the pool, grabbed a towel, climbed into his chair and wheeled into the locker room.
Seventeen minutes later he emerged showered and dressed and met her in the lobby. She checked her watch. “Wow, you’re punctual.”
“I don’t like to keep ladies waiting.” He held the door for her as they exited the center together. Already, things were improving.
****
As promised, the Amici’s soufflé was amazing, as was the rest of the meal.
Between courses, Lily and Gideon teased each other. She was amazed by the easy repartee and comfort level, and desire and relief washed over her. This was the Gideon she’d hoped for. After a dinner of filet of sole, veal Française, salads, wine and two chocolate soufflés—Lily refused to share—Gideon suggested a stroll toward the park. Hansom cabs trotted by. Well-dressed people entered and exited fancy apartment buildings. She invented stories about what she thought they were doing. Gideon embellished them, and incorporated different tones and accents. After laughing until she got a stomachache, they headed the way they’d come.
“Thanks for dinner.” Lily paused in front of the restaurant. She pointed and flexed her foot and smoothed the front of her clothes.
“You’re welcome. I had fun.” His attitude had an easygoing charm to it, a new-found confidence Lily found appealing.
Lily smiled. “I did too.” Her skin tingled from the surprise.
He took both of her hands in his and stroked them gently. The tips of his fingers glided over her skin and mesmerized her. She shivered. He traced slow circles up and around her wrists. He raised her fingers to his lips and when she could wait no longer, he kissed her. He tasted like chocolate, and she pushed her tongue against his, wanting more.
He stroked her body, making her ache. Her pulse quickened as his kiss deepened and her breasts strained behind the fabric of her blouse. He continued downward. The span of both hands almost reached around her waist, and he rubbed his fingers in a circular motion at the base of her spine as she opened her mouth and their tongues met. He squeezed, pulling her closer to him. Her breathing grew harsh as their kiss deepened and she caressed his shoulders, along his back, up to his neck. She closed her eyes as his lips pressed against hers and she brushed the strands of his hair. He plunged his tongue inside.
She opened her eyes. The glare from a street lamp made her blink and returned her to reality. “Wait,” she said. What had she done? He paused and she pushed away from him.
“Lily, what’s wrong.” His shoulders heaved, his hair was mussed and his eyes behind his frames were dark with desire.
Her pulse pounded and her body was hot from his embrace, but this was the first time they were kissing on a date. The first time she was dating since Daniel. She didn’t know what to do. It was new and different and her chest tightened. Guilt washed over her—guilt about Daniel and Gideon. She stood and straightened her clothes, her thoughts running in a million different directions. “I told Tara I’d be home by ten.” She couldn’t tell him the real reason. He wouldn’t understand.
“Lily, what’s wrong?” He repeated the question, concern oozing from him.
“I…I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now. Thank you for dinner.” She needed a chance to catch her breath.
A cab approached and Gideon opened the door for her. She hated herself for the insecure look he gave her. Inside the cab, Lily let out a breath as tears poured down her cheeks. This man, so different from Daniel, could elicit such strong responses from her body. Was she betraying Daniel’s memory if she let herself enjoy them? If she let herself, she could fall completely for him, could love him with her entire heart. As much as she’d wanted a relationship with Gideon, was she ready for one?
It wasn’t fair to start something until she could answer that question.