Chapter 28
Ten minutes later, the meeting ended.
They said their goodbyes and Lily excused herself to go to the restroom. Gideon packed his papers. She practically ran down the hall. It was the only indication that he’d gotten to her, and it offered him less comfort than he’d expected. He still reeled from his first glimpse of her. Her presence overpowered him—the whiff of her jasmine perfume tickled his nostrils, the burn of her smooth hand in his callused one as they greeted each other, the shimmer of her lips as she smiled at him. Aside from her reaction when he’d first entered, she was completely professional. Thin, he noticed, but confident in herself and her presentation. Cold even, something she never was in the past.
An ice queen. Boy was he wrong about her.
He’d been less successful at hiding his emotions, and the result had been obvious to everyone. As Lily parried his thrusts, his virulent tone surprised even him. Her presence unnerved him, knocked him off his professional pedestal and forced him to claw back any way he could. And the only way he could do that was to attack her. He hated himself for doing it, but he hated her more for forcing this reaction out of him.
“That Lily of yours is one amazing woman.” The sound of Joe’s voice startled Gideon out of his reverie. “Remind me never to get on her bad side.”
“She’s not mine,” he said through gritted teeth, even as he silently agreed. Gideon’s jaw was tight and the tendon in his neck pulsed. “You’re going to have to work with her.”
“I don’t see…”
Joe’s gaze hardened. “You have no choice. You’re the lead on this project and you’d better find a way to deal with her.”
****
“Lily, are you in here?” Anne’s voice penetrated the bright, floral-smelling restroom and Lily exited the stall. “Are you okay?”
Shaking, Lily stumbled to the sink, rinsed her mouth, and braced herself on the counter, head down, shoulders heaving. Anne patted her shoulder. Her ribs expanded as she gulped deep breaths of air. She lifted a tear-stained face to the mirror. “He hates me. I don’t know why, but he hates me. How am I going to work with him?”
Anne shook her head. “Listen, you did beautifully in there. Much better than he did, I might add. We’ll figure something out, okay? Let’s wait to see if we get the account first.”
“Oh we’ll get it, all right. The gods are out to get me and we’ll definitely land this one. Why didn’t you tell me I’d be presenting to him?”
“I only had Joe’s name, and I had no idea Gideon worked for him. I’m sorry.” She hugged her friend. “Do you want to go get a drink?”
“I’m supposed to meet an old friend for dinner tonight. Not that I’ll be able to eat anything,” she said as she clutched her stomach.
Downstairs in the lobby, Lily met Tom. He hugged her hard and she leaned into him, grateful for the support. He held her out in front of him.
“Gosh, Lily, you’re all skin and bones,” he said. “I could knock you over by breathing hard.”
She huffed self-consciously. “Don’t. I’ve had a rough few weeks.”
“Well come on, you can tell me about it over dinner. I’m starved and you look it.” Her shoulder blades dug into him as he put his arm around her and steered her outside. “There’s a great place a few doors down that makes terrific ribs and an awesome cheesesteak. You’ll love it.”
Lily followed along without saying a word. The cold air jarred her from her misery and she thought about when she’d lived here and hung out with Tom and Daniel. She let the shock of the day wear off and enjoyed having someone else take care of her for a change. The street noise filled her brain and provided a buffer from her thoughts.
At the restaurant, the hostess seated them in a booth and served them a basket of bread and glasses of water. In the long and narrow room, red pleather booths and Formica tables lined the sides, with a linoleum-floored aisle down the middle. Not much in the way of ambiance, but the aromas made Lily’s mouth water. After the waitress took their orders, Tom sized her up.
“Now, tell me what happened. You haven’t looked this bad, since, well, in a very long time.”
Lily’s face heated and rage filled all the empty places inside. Tom’s gaze bored into her and made it easy to confide her anger and heartache. She left nothing out, starting with seeing Elaine and ending with earlier today. Her breath hitched as she fought to get everything out and he reached out to soothe her. By the time she finished speaking, the food arrived, and they paused while they each tasted their meals. As Tom promised, the food was delicious, and Lily found some of her long-lost appetite.
“I don’t know what to tell you.” He paused halfway through his pile of ribs. “When I saw him, he loved you so much, it was painful to watch. Whatever his reason, there is no excuse for his behavior today. Contact with him is obviously causing you a lot of pain, whether it’s Claire’s phone calls or your business dealings. Can you stop it?”
Lily sighed, unable to eat. Her stomach gurgled in protest and she rubbed it. “There’s nothing I can do about the account, at least not until we get it. As for the phone calls, regardless of how painful they are for me, Claire needs them. I won’t make her suffer any more than she already has.” Somehow, she’d find a way to handle things better than she had today.
Tom continued to eat and at her request, discussed other things. They entertained each other with stories from the hospital and stories about Claire. By the end of the meal, Lily felt better. Tom caught the waitress’ eye and signaled for the check. “It’s my treat,” he said and headed off her protest with a shake of his head.
“Okay, thank you. Where are the restrooms?”
“They’re off that way.” He pointed to a hallway off to the side and headed toward the front of the restaurant to wait for her.
****
Gideon entered the restaurant recommended by the hotel and eyed the large man standing next to the door. “Tom.”
Tom glanced behind him before answering. “Gideon. I’m here with Lily.”
Tension coiled around his neck. “Well, good to see you again.” He maneuvered past him to find a table.
“Wait.”
He spun around.
“Lily told me what happened.”
Gideon froze. Why would she spread his shame? He’d never thought of her as vengeful. “And?”
“And I was going to let you have it if I ever saw you again. But seeing you now, how miserable you appear, well, you look as bad as she does, and I haven’t seen her this bad since Daniel died.”
He stared at Tom in confusion. Lily had betrayed him, and showed him today she felt nothing for him. What was Tom talking about? “Thank you for your concern, but I’m fine. And she was pretty put together in our meeting. I wouldn’t worry too much about either of us if I were you.”
Gideon moved as if to leave, but Tom held out a hand. “I don’t know about you, and frankly don’t care much either, but Lily is not fine. She puts on a good act professionally, and she does whatever it takes to help those around her, but it’s killing her, and if you thought about her honestly, you’d realize that. Now go, before she comes out of the bathroom and sees us together. I don’t want you to hurt her any more than she’s already been.” He glared and Gideon clenched his jaw.
“She’s not the only one,” he said through gritted teeth, before he left in a daze and went to his table. Lily emerged from the bathroom and leave with Tom, who was now smiling at and solicitous of Lily. As he sat at his table, he thought about Tom’s words. He thought about that night six weeks ago, and Lily’s actions since then.
Things did not add up, and he hated when that happened. Lily had betrayed him that night. He couldn’t see it in any other light. And she’d walked out on him. She hadn’t bothered to defend herself. They both avoided each other and went to great pains not to have contact with each other. But she let him talk to Claire on the phone every week. She was thinner today, but her demeanor in the conference room exuded professionalism. And now Tom said she suffered? Gideon didn’t understand it. He knew of no facts to support this, and what facts he did know, contradicted each other.
Thinking about her gave him a headache, but once he started he couldn’t think about anything else, no matter how hard he tried. He refused to be with her, but he ached for her. He reminisced about their time together, how supportive and loving she’d been with him, how they’d argued—and how often she’d been right, he conceded. He remembered the last time they’d had sex, and the thought was enough to turn him on. The only way he could sort out his conflicting emotions, or hope to work with her, was to talk to her. That was out of the question.
Or was it? It was time to grow up, to confront her and his demons head on.
Gideon wolfed down his dinner and returned to the hotel, ignoring the cold November air. He went to the front desk and asked for Lily’s room number.
“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t give out that information. I can call up to her for you, though, if you’d like.”
He clenched his fists and the hotel clerk offered him the phone. With a deep breath, he took it and waited for her to pick up.
“Hello?”
Gideon paused. He’d missed her voice—the lilt in it spoke of hopes and promise. She hadn’t sounded like that today, but her voice now—that one little word—brought memories flooding in, memories he’d fought without success to forget. “Lily, it’s Gideon.”
There was thick silence on the other end.
“Yes?”
“I have a few questions to ask you. Can I come to see you?”
“I think Anne would be better able to answer your questions,” she replied stiffly.
“No, Anne can’t answer these questions.”
“Of course she can. She’s the best when it comes to marketing.”
“No Lily, she can’t. Please, I need to talk to you.” The only way he’d ever understand why Lily acted as she had was to talk to her. He couldn’t let her refuse.
Lily sighed. “I’ll come to the lobby.”
Ten minutes later, she strode into the hotel bar. “Gideon.” She held out her hand.
“Lily.” He paused, before taking her outstretched hand. It was as soft and smooth as he remembered, but bonier and icy. Despite the coldness of her fingers, his skin burned where they touched. He dropped it and motioned for her to sit down.
“You mentioned on the phone you had some questions. I don’t know what information you’re looking for, but I brought copies of the presentation with me, as well as supporting documents. Hopefully something here will provide you with the answers. And as I said earlier, I’ll be happy to have Anne call you tomorrow.”
“Anne can’t help me with this.” Gideon studied her as he struggled to adjust his perception of her with that of Tom’s. She still appeared cool and in control. He saw no sign from her they had ever been involved.
“Okay,” she drawled. A hint of something—was it desperation—flashed in her eyes, disappearing almost as quickly, and she turned away. “Why don’t you tell me what you need to know and I’ll see what I can do.”
Gideon inhaled, puffed out his cheeks, and exhaled. “I want to know why you betrayed me, and how I’m supposed to trust you enough to work with you.”
Lily reared back as if she’d been slapped. “How exactly did I betray you?”
He clenched his jaw and flared his nostrils as he made an effort to control the anger bubbling inside of him. How could she pretend not to know? “You chose Elaine and her lies over me,” he spat out. His voice rose and Lily shifted. She turned to him as a blush stained her cheeks.
“I did not choose Elaine, or anyone, for that matter,” she whispered. “You just think I did, and you’ve never let me explain myself. You refused to talk to me, refused to hear me, just like you always do. In answer to your other question, I don’t know how you can possibly trust me now, because you obviously never trusted me before. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have nothing more to say to you.”
With that, Lily rose and rushed to the elevators. Her heels tapped an angry staccato on the tile floor as Gideon raced to catch up with her. She darted into the first one to arrive and closed the doors before he could follow her. He swore under his breath as the elevator stopped on the fourth floor. He waited for the next one, which seemed to take forever to arrive. Minutes later, doors opened. He tapped his fingers impatiently on his wheel rims as elevator musak assaulted his ears, and he swore as the mechanized pulleys took their sweet time rising four floors, but stopping on each lower floor first. As he finally exited the elevator, he tried to figure out how he’d find her.
Then, he spotted Anne.
“Where is Lily’s room?” he barked. He didn’t care if he took out his anger on her.
Anne raised her eyebrows. “I don’t think I should give you that information, not when you’re acting like this. Maybe I can answer any questions you have about our company?”
“I don’t have any questions about your company.” He paused. Acting like this? Did she really think he would…The thought made hi shudder, and it was all he could do not to collapse at her feet. “Do you think I’d hurt her?” He continued to bait her, if only to cover his hurt. As if he’d ever hurt her, or any woman, for that matter.
“You’ve hurt her more than you can possibly know, Gideon.” Now it was her turn to stare him down, and his anger evaporated, leaving naked pain in its place. He averted his gaze. Was protecting himself worth causing her pain? What kind of man did that make him?
“Four-oh-eight,” she whispered.
He thanked her, his appreciation demonstrated by his newly found manners, and went in search of her.
Once there, he knocked on the door.
“Who is it?” Her exhaustion seeped through the metal door.
“Gideon.”
“Go away.”
“Please, Lily. I want to talk to you.”
“Why?”
“Lily, please?” He’d made so many mistakes in his relationship with her. His fingers twitched. This was his last chance. His heart raced. He couldn’t go on like this anymore.
Her footsteps dragged as she approached the door. She unlocked it and inched the door open. She blocked most of the entry with her body, the latch in place. “Will you let me in?”
Lily glowered at him. She shut the door, unlatched it and let him in as she leaned against the wall with her arms folded over her chest. She’d changed into sweats. The relaxed lines emphasized her vulnerability, so different from the ice queen in the conference room. She’d always been small, but now she appeared tiny. Her clothes engulfed her as they pooled around her waist and feet. Only the tips of her red-painted toes showed beneath the hem of her pants. Her attempt to look fierce exaggerated her fragility. Without makeup and business clothes, the purple circles beneath her eyes and the strain around her mouth were evident.
“You said I didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself. I’m giving it to you now.”
“Isn’t that big of you,” she snapped. “Why should I bother? It’s not like you’re going to listen anyway.”
Gideon remained quiet. Lily took a deep breath and blew wisps of hair out of her face. That used to be one of his favorite habits of hers. Now it only pained him, because she was girding herself against him. “Please, Lily. I want to hear your side of the story.” If only to prove to everyone I’m right.
“So I’m only allowed to speak when you want to listen? What about what I want?” Her eyes were wide, her voice shrill.
“Lil.” His voice cracked as his throat closed. He clamped his mouth shut as she walked over to the bed and perched on the edge. She reminded him of a bird. He shifted his gaze to the bed itself, and his mind focused on the last time they’d shared one. As if she read his mind, she jumped and moved to the chairs next to the window. Her knuckles whitened as she gripped the edges of her sweatshirt sleeves, bent her knees and rested her chin upon them.
“I didn’t choose anyone. Elaine upset you. Anyone could see that.” She raised her arms, as if it should have been evident to all. “You were like a deer caught in the headlights and I thought the longer you stayed near her, the worse it would be for you. I figured if I could get her out of there somehow, maybe you’d be okay.” She curved in on herself, her voice sad. “I knew you didn’t like anyone manhandling you, or directing you, and I figured it would be even worse if I did it in front of her. I left you on your own and went for her.”
He frowned. “That’s right, you left. You left me. For her.”
Her face paled and bright red splotches appeared on her face and neck as she covered her mouth. She turned away a moment before she met his gaze. “I’m sorry. I can see now how it appeared to you, and how I made the wrong choice, but at the time it felt like the only thing I could have done.”
As he listened to her, really listened, he understood. He’d been blinded by Elaine, by the thought of what she could do or say. He’d ignored Lily. A lump formed in his throat as he realized he’d attributed Elaine’s motives to Lily. He had to explain about Elaine, but he didn’t know if he could get the words out. He had to try, though. If he had any hope of making her understand, he had to try. He moved away from her to the window.
“Elaine and I met at one of Samantha’s shows. I’d never seen a more beautiful woman.” He looked at Lily. “At the time.” He averted his gaze. “I was a pretty superficial guy back then and I thought she was perfect. Beautiful, smart, witty. And shallow, but that never bothered me. She always wanted to have fun, loved excitement, and I spent all my time trying to please her, to think of things she would like. I don’t know if I ever did please her, but I tried. And the sex, well…. I ignored all the other things about her—her selfishness, how spoiled she was, her short attention span—and I just went along for the ride. And it was amazing, let me tell you.” He paused, reminiscing.
“That summer, we’d rented a place in the Hamptons. I drove there late Friday after work, planning to meet her there. She’d gone ahead with friends. I was tired and I lost control of the car.” He gritted his teeth, the haunting memory as real as if he were going through it again.
Trying to focus on anything else, he glanced at Lily. Her lashes were wet and her normally straight posture was stooped. He looked away, once again consumed by memories.
“I drifted in and out from the pain and the meds for days. The few times I woke that I remember, I was alone or Samantha or Stella were with me. Tony came, but Elaine never did.” Phantom pain ran through his legs and lodged in his heart. “I kept asking for her, but…. “ He shook his head. “One day, about a week or so later, she came. I was so happy to see her, so glad she was there. We were alone. She came in and stood at one end of the room. She wouldn’t come near me. I was in traction and could barely see her. All I wanted was to touch her or for her to touch me, but I couldn’t ask her to. The fear on her face changed to scorn. She came over and…” He paused and swallowed hard.
No matter how long ago it happened, it still felt fresh. It was humiliating, and he was about to tell this woman he had loved, still loved if he was honest with himself, all about it. He cleared his throat.
“…and she told me I was no longer a man, no longer anything but a burden to everyone. I hadn’t even had the decency to die like everyone thought I would. That she couldn’t love half a man and I was worthless.” He wouldn’t look at Lily, but stared out the window. Shame washed over him. It clogged every pore, invaded his mouth, his ears and wrapped itself around his body. He couldn’t breathe.
“Gideon.”
At the sound of her voice, he clenched his fist. He wanted this woman with all of his heart, but in order to have her, he’d have to open himself up to the same hurt he’d barely survived once. He trembled, but whether it was from fear or desire, he couldn’t tell.
“Do you think I’m anything like Elaine?” Her voice was a whisper and he had to strain to hear her. She covered her face and her reaction, reflected through the window, released him.
He crossed over to her and covered her icy hand with his. She jumped. When she met his gaze, he wanted to hide the fear and pain he still felt, but he couldn’t do it. And suddenly, it didn’t matter anymore. She was Lily. No matter how often he’d pushed her away, she’d always returned to him, always seen the man he was on the inside. It was time for him to be the man she saw, the man she kept coming back to. He couldn’t continue to be the man who hurt her. He didn’t want to be. What did he have to fear? A huge weight lifted from him. He pulled her to her feet and onto his lap, and for the first time, felt how much weight she’d lost. She shivered as her body fit into his and she placed one hand on his shoulder. He caressed her neck and she tipped her head to his. They sat forehead to forehead.
“Lily…” he started to say, but stopped and brought her fingers to his lips. He licked her finger and he sighed at her sweetness. He curved his hands around her body and rubbed her back. Her spine and bra strap protruded through her sweatshirt, and he imagined releasing the clasp, taking her breasts into his hands, feeling her body tight with desire around his. He hardened, his heart raced and he drew her closer to him. They could never be close enough for him.
“You’ve never been anything like Elaine,” he whispered against her neck. “It’s been obvious from the very beginning. I was just too stupid to see it.”
She traced the plains of cheekbones, his jaw and his throat and massaged his neck and shoulders. His body was tight from stress, and his muscles expanded and contracted beneath her. Her hot breath blew across his ear as she leaned into him, and he sucked in air as the tip of her nose tickled the sensitive skin behind his ear.
“Elaine…” she whispered. He froze, unable to breathe. “…was an idiot,” she claimed and nibbled his earlobe. She leaned against him and planted a noisy kiss on his lips.
He inhaled the scent of her shampoo, traced his fingers along the smooth skin beneath her sweatshirt and held her away from him. “I’m sorry for everything,” he said. “I should have trusted you.” Lily nodded. “Seeing Elaine knocked me off kilter. She set off some primitive fight or flight reaction in me and I couldn’t do anything about it.” Gideon was unable to continue, and hoped she understood.
Lily rose and moved over to the bed. “I understand, especially now that you told me what happened. But as big as New York is, what happens the next time you run into her? I’m not her and I never will be, but you treated me as if we were the same person.”
His eyes filled with tears and he removed his glasses. “I was wrong. You’re so different from her. You’ve spent so much time demonstrating those differences. It’s time I believed you. And I do. The only woman I care about is you.”
Her lips trembled. “You abandoned not only me, but Claire too.” Gideon’s heart broke as he realized what his distrust cost her. His body shook with fear. Would she believe his promises or would she leave him anyway? His heartbeat thrashed in his ears. Please, she has to believe me.
“She didn’t understand why she couldn’t see you anymore. It was just like when Daniel died, only worse, because you hated me. I lost someone I loved once. I can’t go through that again.” She wrapped her arms around herself and rocked back and forth. Gideon came to her and stroked her arms. She was shivering, and he wanted to soothe her. If nothing else, he’d give her comfort.
“You’re thin,” he commented, his tone gentle with concern.
She smiled wryly at him. “Not eating will do that to you.”
Shame at what he’d put her through ran through him and burned a hole in his gut. “Why did you let Claire speak to me?”
“Because she was miserable. Even the school guidance counselor called me. I couldn’t let her suffer just because you and I had problems.”
His cheeks burned. She’d sacrificed her own feelings for her daughter. “It must have hurt you to have to do that.” She was stronger than any woman he’d ever known, and he vowed to spend the rest of his life being worthy of her, if only she’d let him.
“It almost killed me.”
Gideon’s calm demeanor belied his shattered inner feelings. He’d almost destroyed the two people he cared about most in this world. He held Lily’s face between his palms. Tears leaked down her cheeks. “It will never happen again, Lily. I promise you.” Lily was worth everything. He would live up to this promise, no matter what. From now on, his purpose was to never let her down again. No more looking back. No more fear. Just faith and love. “I love you and I trust you. Let me prove it to you.”
She searched his face and he stayed still, waiting for her to come to a decision. His stomach clenched, but he wouldn’t give way to fear. Instead, he tried to put all the love and trust he felt into his eyes, willing her to see it. Her green eyes were somber and his heart stuttered. But slowly, they lightened&helip;glowed, like emeralds. “I love you too.”
Warmth radiated throughout his body and joy bubbled in his chest. He was free. He pulled her toward him and kissed her lips, putting all his love and longing into it. “Can we start again?” Gideon asked when they pulled away.
“I can’t lose you twice.”
“You won’t. I’m yours forever,” he vowed. And this vow he planned to keep.
The End