Chapter 8
Lily froze and Gideon leaned forward in his seat. Samantha, who entered at that moment, stopped in her tracks.
“What?” Lily tried to buy some time. She rubbed her stomach, as if someone had punched her. She couldn’t breathe.
“Why don’t I have a daddy?” Claire repeated and sat still on the sofa.
Lily was drowning. Everything was sluggish, as if she moved against a current. “You do have a daddy, honey,” she said in a low voice.
“But you said he’s dead,” she answered.
“That’s right.” Lily’s head pounded and her ears began to ring.
“I don’t have a real daddy. Everyone else at school does. Why don’t I have one?” she whined.
Lily closed her eyes. Images of Daniel clicked in her brain, one right after the other, like a slide show on super-speed. Her wedding day. Claire’s birth. Daniel singing to his daughter. She could feel the others watching her and the walls began to close in. “Your daddy was very real, honey. He may be dead, but he’s still your daddy. He watches over you from heaven and he loves you very much.”
“Well, he can’t come to school with me! We’re having a daddy-daughter lunch at school and everyone else has a daddy to bring but me. It’s not fair!” She burst into tears and ran into Samantha’s bedroom.
How do I fix this? Lily stared after. Her muscles contracted, and an invisible wall slammed shut and masked her emotions. Despite her body’s physical desire to remain immobile, her motherly instincts declared war and propelled her out of her seat. She rose and hobbled after Claire. If she listened hard enough, she could swear she heard her joints creak. With six words—“Why don’t I have a daddy?”—she’d aged fifty years.
Gideon grasped her arm. Electricity shot from his fingertips to her arm, and she flinched. “Would you mind if I went to talk to her?” He made small circles with his fingers as he caressed her arm, and his voice lowered into a velvety smooth tone that wrapped itself around her in a protective cocoon.
Lily opened her mouth, prepared to refuse, but nothing came out. His eyes, their brown depths unfathomable, destroyed the last of her resistance. She relented, deflated like an old balloon. She slumped next to Samantha as Gideon went after Claire.
“Are you okay?” Samantha put her arm around Lily’s shoulders. She shook her head, but didn’t say anything. “At least now you know what was bothering her.”
Lily sat for another minute without speaking. Unable to resist the mounting storm of emotions that blew through her—sadness, guilt, helplessness and fear—she strode out on wobbly legs onto Samantha’s balcony. Everything appeared far away and fuzzy. Traffic noise from the street below sounded elongated, muted and distorted. This had to be a dream, a nightmare. Her chest ached and the back of her throat hurt.
Yes, she knew what bothered Claire, but Lily thought it might kill her. She would give Claire anything, but she couldn’t bring Daniel back. She stared out over the city, without seeing anything, and took deep breaths. Her lips trembled and she bit them. Her breath stuttered in her chest. She swallowed hard and fought tears. I will not cry. She never cried, not even at her husband’s funeral. She’d been too overwhelmed by the weight of having to hold it all together and figure out a way for her and her daughter to go on to give in to tears. If I didn’t cry then, I won’t cry now. Through her haze, a slap of a hand against a wheel sounded in the background. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and Gideon spoke.
“Claire’s with Samantha.”
Lily nodded, unable to speak and unwilling to show her face. She breathed through her nose, struggling to calm her heartbeat, which drummed faster and faster.
“I spoke to her, and told her if it was okay with you and her teacher, I’d be happy to go to the lunch. As her friend.” Lily was touched he’d offered, but still unable to do anything but stand there. The immediate problem was solved, but the rest? Nothing would ever fix that. She gripped the railing with her, and the cool metal dug into her palms. If she squeezed hard enough, she might be able to bend the railing, like a superhero. For a moment, she was tempted to try. But she was no superhero, and in the end, she released her grip.
Gideon remained where he was, and she could practically feel his stare. She locked her joints, afraid the slightest breeze would blow her down. Without a word, he pushed himself over to her and braked behind her. If she leaned just enough, the backs of her legs would bump his toes. He took her hand in his. Its warmth barely penetrated her icy cold shell. Instead of curling around his, her fingers remained stiff, as if they still clung to the railing. He stroked them, massaging her soft skin and tracing her veins that eventually led to her heart. He rubbed her knuckles and the underside of her palm.
His thumb touching her hand saved her. Its insistent spiral and raspy drag on her skin reeled her mind away from the edge. She floundered, lost for a moment somewhere between her own distraught thoughts and his unspoken promise of protection. No longer spinning in isolation, but unable to rescue herself, she jerked toward him as her gaze bounced off his face and stared somewhere off in the distance. She couldn’t meet his gaze, couldn’t let him see how hurt she was and how much she needed someone right then, but she also couldn’t rebuff him. I won’t cry. I won’t.
“Come here,” he whispered. She squinted as he drew her into his lap. He was solid, secure, safe. Were it to rain, she’d swear he’d keep her dry; to snow, he’d keep her warm. Yet, she couldn’t give in; her mind wouldn’t let her body relax. She stiffened, but didn’t get up, and a million different thoughts banged around in her brain. I have to go to Claire. Am I hurting him? Don’t cry. Don’t cry. He felt strong, right. Up close, she saw gold flecks in his brown eyes, and a part of her wanted to remove his glasses. The musky scent of his aftershave enveloped her and the powerful muscles in his arms surrounded her, locked her in.
He stroked her back, leaving a trail of fire in his wake. That fire melted the ice around her heart. With a gasp, she buried her head into his shoulder, the floodgates opened, and she sobbed. He hugged her and let her cry.
“Shhh,” Gideon whispered against her cheek. His breath blew strands of hair into the air and released their jasmine scent. His chest became damp from her tears and he hugged her harder. Her entire body shook with sobs and still he didn’t let go. For the first time, she felt protected. “It’s okay.” He repeated those words until her sobs quieted.
She stayed still and let him hold her as she listened to the steady beat of his heart beneath his shirt, leaned against the rock-hard wall of his chest. It was so long since anyone had held her or comforted her. Those same hands had distracted her from the movie; now they protected her from the world. It would be wonderful to be able to depend on someone again, but it wasn’t meant to be. She couldn’t be that lucky twice. She sat up, wiped her eyes, and tried as gracefully as possible to get out of his lap.
“I have the same problem,” he said with a sardonic grin.
She exhaled and surrendered the ghost of a smile. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Let me know about Claire’s lunch.”
“I will. I appreciate your volunteering.” She wanted to focus on anything but her crying in his lap. She was humiliated—strong women didn’t do such things, and she intended to be strong. Sometimes, though, it is so hard. She averted her gaze as she wiped her cheeks.
Gideon changed the subject and relief washed through her. “Pizza?”
As if in answer, her stomach growled and they returned to the living room. Claire and Samantha sat together on the sofa. Claire’s face was red and puffy. She ran over to her mom. Tactfully, Samantha and Gideon went into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry I was mean to you, Mommy,” she said into Lily’s shoulder. Lily hugged her and stroked her curls. This was the body she was used to holding; this was the role she was used to playing.
“It’s okay, baby. I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you. I miss him too, you know.”
Claire stared at her. “I know. Samantha and Gideon told me.” Lily stayed silent. There was nothing she could say. “Gideon said he’d go with me to the lunch.”
Relief and a twinge of regret ran through her. “I think it’s a great idea, if that’s what you want.”
She beamed. “I do.”
“I’ll talk to your teacher tomorrow and arrange it.” They hugged again. Lily wanted to make the moment last, but Claire fidgeted, crisis over. With a sigh, she pulled away and followed her into the kitchen for pizza.
The next day, Lily sent a note to Claire’s teacher to explain the situation and suggest Gideon as an alternative. As her pen scratched the paper, she questioned her predicament—a man she barely knew was to fill one of the most intimate roles in her daughter’s life, if only for a day. She held the thin paper, listened to it crinkle as she tipped it back and forth and debated whether or not to crumple it up. Images of Claire’s tear-stained face rushed into focus. With a nod, she stuffed the note into Claire’s backpack and zipped it before she could change her mind.
That afternoon, Claire came home from school giddy with excitement, and rushed to call Gideon. Her feet pounded on the floor, and reminded Lily of a herd of elephants. She shook her head in exasperation. She’d never understand how one small girl could make so much noise. Claire punched in the numbers and Lily’s stomach clenched a little tighter. After they talked on the phone for a few minutes—or rather Claire spoke—she handed it to Lily. It smacked her palm and she gulped. The phone had never weighed as much.
“He wants to talk to you.” Lily cleared her throat and gripped her stomach as she stared at it. Time intensified her embarrassment over her actions the previous evening. Not only had she cried on Gideon’s shoulder, she’d climbed into his lap! How needy was that? As she brushed her hair out of her face, she said a silent prayer he didn’t think she was nuts, and said hello.
“Hi, Lil. I wanted to see how you were.”
“Um, fine. Listen, about yesterday…”
“I’m glad I could be there for you,” he interrupted, his earnest voice gravelly. “If you ever want to talk, you can always call me.”
Appreciation ran through her. “Thank you. And thanks for agreeing to go with Claire. As much as I try, there are just some needs I can’t fill for her, and this is apparently one of them. She’s very excited.” Lily paused and bit her bottom lip. “You really don’t mind? I feel like I should repay you somehow—I know how busy you are.” She grabbed a strand of her hair and twirled it between her fingers. It pulled on her scalp and she winced in pain; whether from the conversation or the actual hair-pull, she didn’t know.
“I don’t mind at all. We’ll have fun. I’m honored to go with her and wouldn’t have suggested otherwise. And hey, the next time I need a date for a work event, I’ll call you.” He chuckled and the sound created warmth low in her stomach.
“Absolutely,” she said. “I’d be happy to go anytime.” She meant it.
“I was kind of joking, Lil. I wouldn’t subject anyone to those events,” he said in an amused tone.
“Come on, they can’t be that bad.”
“Ha!” he said. “Obviously said by the innocent. If you’d been to them, you wouldn’t be so quick to volunteer.”
Lily smiled. When they bantered like this, she enjoyed talking to him. “Don’t forget, I work in PR. I frequently have work events.”
“Then you must be a glutton for punishment,” he said, his voice warm.
“Well, my offer stands.”
“Goodnight Lily.”
****
The day of Claire’s lunch arrived, and with it came the most incredible weather. June brought warmth and sun. Winter had lasted forever, dipping into spring’s territory and taking over. But now, the sky was Crayola crayon-blue; the air enveloped Gideon and made him think of lazy afternoons at the beach.
He left work early and made his way to Claire’s school. As he arrived, lots of other men entered the building. What am I getting into?
He followed the crowd down the hall, around a corner and into the Kindergarten wing. The hallways smelled of chalk, paste and that unknown odor that all schools possessed. He smiled as he passed open classroom doors and heard the sweet voices inside. He and some of the other men stopped in front of Room 10, where the kids met each man at the door. When Gideon peeked in, Claire squealed. Then with a dignity she’d obviously practiced, she clamped her lips together, straightened her shoulders, walked up to him and hugged him. Her arms tightened around him in a bear hug, and he wanted to pick her up and spin her around. But he didn’t want to embarrass her, so he let her go and followed her to her table.
“You came!” Her face glowed. Her rainbow striped dress and white sandals were adorable. Gideon’s heart swelled with the knowledge she dressed up for him.
“Of course I did, Claire. I promised you I would.” She jumped into his lap and hugged him again. Her weight filled his heart. Nothing could be better than this. The children nearby studied the chair, while some of the fathers made efforts to distract them. Gideon ignored their reactions. The kids would adjust, probably faster than the adults. Besides, today was all about Claire. He hugged her hard before she sat in the chair next to his. He introduced himself to the other men at the table, and quieted when the teacher approached the front of the class to speak.
“Good afternoon, everyone. I’m Mrs. Nelson. I’d like to welcome all of our guests to our Father/Daughter, Father/Son lunch. We are very happy you could all take time out of your busy schedules to attend.”
She motioned to the class, and all of the children walked to the front of the room. As they moved into two rows, Claire met Gideon’s gaze and waved. He waggled his fingers and made a goofy grin. She hid her giggle behind her hand. At the teacher’s lead, the children began to sing “You Are My Sunshine.” Their off-key song made him smile. To his ears, their sweet, earnest voices sounded better than the most talented opera singer. After everyone finished and the clapping ended, each child stepped forward and recited a line of Edgar Guest’s poem, “Only A Dad.” When they finished, the children returned to their seats and Mrs. Nelson rose.
“We hope you enjoyed our presentation. The children will now serve you lunch.”
Murmurs of congratulations were cut short as chairs squeaked against the floor and the children rushed to the opposite side of the room, followed at a more leisurely pace by the dads. Platters of breads, meats and cheeses filled two tables against the wall. There were bowls of potato and macaroni salads and plates of brownies and cookies. There were also drinks the children poured, with only a little spillage. After Claire determined what Gideon would like from the selection, she brought him his plate and cup—carefully balanced so as not to spill—along with a napkin. This time, he didn’t mind being served. She returned with her own food and they sat and ate together. Gideon savored every salty bite as Claire gulped her food then rushed to point out her friends, including Max.
“He’s your boyfriend, right?”
Claire giggled and said yes as her cheeks pinkened. She was adorable. When they finished, she led Gideon around, as she showed off her artwork and pointed out the class’ caterpillars, waiting to turn into butterflies.
While they checked out the classroom, some of the children came over and asked about the chair. They touched the wheels and the handles and Gideon put on the brake. He was amazed when Claire explained it helped him get around, like it was no big deal. Enthralled, several asked for rides, but before Gideon could reply, Claire informed them he was all hers. The sound of her matter-of-fact tone touched him, as well as the pride she took in showing him everything they did in class.
Finally, she introduced him to Mrs. Nelson. “Mrs. Nelson, this is my friend, Gideon.”
The teacher grinned and shook his hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Claire has spoken often of you, and was excited when she learned you’d be attending today.”
“It’s nice to meet you, too. I’m honored she would want me to come. The kids did a great job.” Claire beamed and Gideon squeezed her fingers.
All too soon the lunch ended and the dads said goodbye. Claire gave Gideon a bear hug, and he tweaked her nose, pulled her curls and whispered in her ear, “I’m glad you asked me today.”
When he returned to the office, he called Lily and left a message for her at work. Then he texted Samantha.
i think I’m in love. He grinned, his cheeks stretched tight.
really? with whom?
Claire
just her? I hear her mom is quite a catch
She was, but he wasn’t giving his sister the satisfaction of hearing that from him.
shut up, Sam
guessing you had fun
the best
Smiling once again, he rushed to text her all about his afternoon. After a few more minutes, they signed off, and he went to work. Whistling.