Chapter Nineteen

· zach ·

New Year’s Eve - Five Years Ago

“Happy Birthday, sweetheart.” Rebecca entered through the living room of our childhood home and gave me a hearty hug. The pine scent of the Christmas tree in the corner filled the house, along with gingerbread and mint. The cozy fire crackled in the fireplace, and snow fell outside. Christmas time was by far my favorite season of the year. At least now. So different from my childhood. I didn’t even mind that my birthday was on New Year’s Eve.

“Thanks, Mom,” I whispered and returned the tight hug. She embodied everything my own mother wasn’t. Kindness, love, and strength flowed through her. Her familiar blue eyes locked with mine, her smile reaching them.

“I’m so proud of you, honey.” She kissed my cheek. “Thank you for watching over Evan.”

I shrugged. “He needs me, what can I say?”

She laughed. “Now, if only you boys would stop messing around and get to finding nice girls to settle down with, that would make me very happy.”

“Well, we both know Evan is more likely to settle down than me,” I said as she handed me a glass of spiked eggnog.

“Don’t be so sure of that, Zachary. You may find a girl that’ll surprise you and take that fear of commitment off your hands.”

I took a sip and winced at the strength of my drink. “You put a lot of alcohol in this.”

She smirked. “Of course, I did. I know my boys would just spike it more if I hadn’t.”

“You know us too well.”

“Your thirties are going to be even better than you imagined, my darling boy. Just wait and see.” She patted my cheek.

“Yeah, dumbass, you’ll be thirty, flirty, and thriving,” Evan joked as he entered the room with a beer in his hand.

“Evan, watch your language.” Rebecca turned toward him with a scolding look.

I flipped him the bird behind Mom’s back. “Yeah, behave, Evan.” He loved picking on me and the fact that I was turning thirty before he was. He’d be there in a month’s time.

“Enough, boys. You’ll have to watch that talk because Jonah’s picking up everything,” Rebecca said. “The other day, he yelled out the word boobies. Who was the mastermind of that?” Our nephew was only one, but smart as hell. I wouldn’t be shocked if he took over the world one day.

Evan burst out laughing but stopped as she stared him down. “The kid needs to eat, Ma. You can’t blame him.”

“He’s not coming tonight, is he?” I asked.

“No. Katie wanted to put him to sleep before the sitter got there.” Rebecca moved to the dining area where finger foods and the crystal bowl of spiked eggnog sat. She and James are on their way.”

The Matthews house constantly bustled with people. Growing up with four kids meant plenty of gatherings with friends. Tonight was no different. Everyone also loved Mama Matthews as much as we did. She made everyone feel like family.

“I connected the karaoke machine, we’re good to go,” Evan said, finishing off his bottle of Stella Artois.

“Hilary wishes she could be here, but she sends her love.” Rebecca’s loneliness was evident through her tone. Hilary had gone away to school and hardly visited. Then she’d decided to take a year to study photography in Europe. We worried about her, but she was resilient. Thank fuck for Jonah’s arrival. Taking care of that kid gave Rebecca something to look forward to everyday.

Each ring of the doorbell brought more and more people. Old high school and college friends, family, and neighbors filled the house with lively noise. Music played, the television was on but muted, showing the latest popular act performing on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.

I chatted with Nelly, who still hung around our crew from time to time. She wasn’t married, and I had a feeling she still wanted Evan…or me…or even Graham. She spattered on about some club she’d gone to last week, and I glanced at Evan across the room. He pointed to Nelly and then me, and made a crude gesture suggesting a blowjob. I pressed my lips together, containing my laughter. A good go with Nelly for old time’s sake might be a good idea, although I was uneasy about where her mouth had been. Though it wasn’t like I was the image of cleanliness.

You couldn’t blame me. Evan had the world in his hands, and he was taking me along for the ride. Gorgeous women were everywhere, and I would be a fool for not getting a little taste of what came my way. Which made me reconsider Nelly for a moment. It wasn’t like I’d hook up with anyone else at this shindig. A birthday blowjob sounded pretty damn good.

Cheers and greetings could be heard at the entrance of the house. I sat on the couch beside Nelly but couldn’t focus on anything except a familiar voice that lingered in the hall, then entered the room. Long, shapely legs were covered by black, high-heeled boots and sheer, black tights. A short, red dress clung to curves I’d never noticed. Waterfalls of blond hair draped over a black leather jacket. When her brown eyes caught mine, not only did my dick spring to life, my heart did, too.

I stood up, watching as her beaming smile lit the room, and a strange tug in my chest appeared when I realized it was for me. She charged over and hugged me tightly. Had it been so long since I’d seen her? Why did it feel different? The fragrance of jasmine overcame me as I held her close.

“Happy Birthday, Zach,” Hilary whispered and kissed me on the cheek.

I drank her in as we parted, her vibrancy passing to me. “What the hell are you doing here, kid? I thought you were in Spain or something.”

“I wanted to surprise you guys. I tried coming home for Christmas, but the flights were a mess.”

Our moment was cut short as Evan and Katie joined in to greet their sister.

“Did Mom know about this?” Katie asked. They all hugged and fawned over her.

“No, nobody knew. Where is she?” Hilary inquired, eyeing the bustling room.

Evan pointed upstairs. “I think she went to her room for a bit. She was tired. Glad you’re here, sis.”

I wanted to say more to her, but I was tongue-tied, unsure of myself. I was never edgy around women, least of all someone I’d known since I was a kid. It was Hilary, though, not some woman I was trying to seduce.

She excused herself to visit with Rebecca, and I didn’t feel right for most of the night after I’d witnessed her walk off and visualized her naked under me. I was a fucked-up individual—that was guaranteed. I swept away sexual thoughts about her and spent my time chatting with Nelly. And when it wasn’t Nelly, it was Sarah, and when it wasn’t Sarah, I moved on to Janine, a friend of a friend of Sarah’s. Why weren’t these women providing me with a distraction?

I stared at her instead when she was back in the room. Hil was captivating, lively, uninhibited. Her laugh filled my ears, her smile clenched my heart, and those luscious tits tightened my dick. Karaoke was underway, and I tried to pay attention to Pete as he tried to sound like CeeLo Green.

Her laugh drew me in again, but when it was Graham fucking O’Leary causing it, irritation stirred. Being wingman for a friend while out on the town was typical; however, Graham loved to vie for the affection of the girls I eyed. It was a competition I had never asked or cared for. I was never envious of what he had, until he had Hilary’s attention.

My whole body was tense, my jaw clenched as he tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. She let him and blushed. When the fuck had she developed a crush on Graham? I exhaled the air I held in my chest and bolted to the back patio. The snow crunched under my shoes, and the cold hit my face like a Mack truck.

I steadied my breath and reached into my pocket, grabbing the vice I’d picked up during college. The cigarette rested between my lips as I brought up the lighter and clicked, shielding the flame from the slight wind. I dragged in the nicotine and exhaled the smoke in relief. I stared out into the darkness as my brain spun ceaselessly. Each inhale and exhale of smoke pacified me.

“Those’ll kill you, you know.”

I didn’t turn around at the sound of her voice. I couldn’t look back. Not with the thoughts that came rushing through my mind regarding what I wanted to do to her—of how I wanted to kiss her, hold her, make her ride my face, then my dick. I was a sick bastard. “Not tonight, though,” I said, almost wishing they would. I deserved it.

She stood beside me, her arms crossed over her chest. “Needed some silence?”

I continued to look ahead, not saying a word. She reached over, grabbed my cigarette, and took a long drag. My shocked expression made her giggle as she handed it back to me.

“What? You think I haven’t smoked before?”

“If you have, you shouldn’t,” I chided.

She held in her laugh. “You shouldn’t either.” She paused. “How many do you smoke a day?”

“I’ve cut down to a couple. Only when I’m stressed.”

She shook her head in disapproval. “It’s disgusting. Please, stop, Zach. It’ll be harder the longer you go.” I turned toward her, her brandy eyes concerned. “Please,” she pleaded.

I sighed and took one long, last inhale. I tapped the cigarette out on the rail of the patio and dropped it into an empty can I’d used for my butts earlier that day. “My last one. I promise.”

“That’s a big promise.” She raised a brow. “Are you sure you can keep it?”

“Absolutely not.” We both laughed. I swallowed down my need to say that her wish was my command. “But I’ll try my hardest.” Though the cold air surrounded us, nothing but heat ran through me. “God, it’s so great to see you.”

“You, too! I’ve been traipsing across Europe for the past year.”

“How are you enjoying it?”

The intensity between us broke as she shared tales of her adventures. Her animated gestures and retellings were like watching a one-woman show. Accounts of people she’d met, photos she couldn’t wait to show me, and goals she was ready to tackle brought me joy. Life was all hers, filled with so many dreams and possibilities. Her freedom gave me peace.

“I almost forgot,”—she stuck her hand into her jacket pocket then reached out, handing me a small box—“happy birthday.”

“Aw, Hil, you didn’t have to. You sent gifts for Christmas. That was a cool scarf, by the way.”

“I know, but this is different. It’s your birthday.” She was shivering, her hands tucked under her arms. Warming her up with my body was my wish, but I focused on the present and opened it.

My brow furrowed. “An SD card?” I held the tiny memory chip in my hand.

“It’s some of my work,” she said. “You once mentioned you were a fan of clouds and sunsets. I took pictures of them in different locations. It’s amazing how different they can be. The colors, shapes, the way the light breaks through. It’s like a waltz.”

I couldn’t recall when I’d shared that with her, but the fact that she’d remembered made me feel, for a tiny fraction of a moment, special.

“This…” The small SD Card now had more meaning than anything I’d ever owned. I met her eyes and gave a smile. “This is amazing, Hilary.”

“It’s not long-term for storage, so you can put them in an external hard drive or print them. It’s up to you. I just thought you’d like it.” She gazed at me, tipped her head, and blushed. “I’ve missed you.”

“Back at ya, kid,” I whispered, my voice raspier than intended. My need to kiss her was overwhelming—maybe because it was almost midnight, or I was lonely, or she looked so fucking beautiful I couldn’t think straight. In that moment, only we existed, and the idea of being with her was so much greater than myself; as if she were my purpose.

Our bodies drew close with deliberate awareness. Her breathing picked up, her eyes fluttered, and my mouth neared its intended goal. The sound of a door slam startled us both as we scuffled back.

“There you are! Damn, it’s freezing out here!” Graham yelled, then froze, looked at me, then her. “Sorry to interrupt.”
I shoved my hands into my pockets and chuckled, glancing up to the sky in partial thanks that whatever the fuck I was on the brink of doing hadn’t come to pass.

“It’s nothing.” Hilary dismissed our moment and walked to Graham. They went inside, and I stayed put. I let the cold take over, hoping it would make me numb from the outside in.

When midnight arrived, and I witnessed Graham’s grimy lips close over hers, I tried my best to accept my role in her life. A role as her protector, as a man who would always put her needs above my own. She was family, and I’d do anything for my family.