Chapter Twentey-Four

· zach ·

Our date had consisted of a nice dinner at an Italian joint called Carmelo’s. It was followed up by an evening spent at the Elephant Room, an underground jazz bar with live music. Evan and Grace had gone to Japan, and the ensuing freedom to be out in the open with Hilary was easy, natural. My anxieties weren’t at the forefront of my mind, and that was something I wished would continue.

During the days, I took Hilary out on different adventures. We went paddle boarding, hiking, visited antique shops, and went to the movies. Nights were spent making love in almost every room of the house.

I savored my time with her and almost hoped for Evan to catch us, just to be free of the bondage of secrets. But when he came back from his trip, our secrets were back, and our week of public PDA was gone.

The cast party had been a success. Ben and Renee were dating, and at one point, Ben approached and asked if I had told Evan about Hilary yet. My deer-in-headlights look was only met with a chuckle when he said to suck it up and admit to both siblings how deep my feelings ran. Was I that obvious? Maybe it was the constant staring at my blond-haired goddess.

Days passed into weeks. I worked late nights, getting the final touches on the restaurant finished. I’d arrive home late and slip under the covers when Hilary was fast asleep. I’d scoop her body beside mine and bury my nose against her neck, smelling her sweet scent. Sometimes, I woke her on accident and we’d make love; other times, she was too gone, her long lashes fluttering as she dreamed away. It was a routine I could get used to. We were becoming a couple—at least it felt that way to me.

I’d certainly had my fair share of women, but never one who meant so much. Small talk was simple enough, getting a woman into bed even more so. Hilary knew me, though, more than any woman ever had. I knew her, too, but craved more. I wanted hours, days, weeks, years in her company. I wanted to learn every secret, every dream, discover every piece of her heart.

How had I changed into this? I wasn’t a forever guy. Not by a long shot. I’d never believed that true love existed. If it did, it was short-lived, doomed to fail. Falling out of love happened all the time, and I’d seen the effects it had on people. My mother was a prime example of co-dependence. She put up with my father’s mistresses, not because she was in love, but because she didn’t know anything else. She didn’t understand love. Did I? Could Hilary love me? Could I love her the way she deserved?

Her phone screen lit up beside the bed, and I glanced at it. My chest tightened as Graham’s name and photo flashed on the screen. He was calling her, well past midnight. A pang of jealousy hit me and thoughts flooded my mind. What if she wasn’t over him? As discussed, she was passing the time before she found a man she truly wanted and loved. I was her go-between, her moment of fun.

“Hey.” She turned toward me, her voice groggy. I avoided her gaze and stared at the ceiling. “How did it go? Are things ready for tomorrow?”

I nodded as her warm hand pressed over my heart. She kissed my cheek and snuggled closer to me. I couldn’t say anything. Do anything. We weren’t a couple, we were friends who slept together. I had no right to be jealous, but dammit, I wanted that right.

“Your phone was ringing,” I said briskly. I watched as she turned to the nightstand and looked at the screen, huffed, and set it down. “You still talk to him?”

The soft moonlight peered through the blinds, and I saw her lips tighten as she glared at me. “You’re really asking me that?”

“Why wouldn’t I ask? I see his photo pop up and I wonder.”

She shifted under the covers and groaned as she tucked the pillow under her cheek. “You’re ridiculous. I told you before—he calls, I don’t answer.” She paused. “He’s probably drunk-dialing me anyway. Go to sleep, Zach.”

My heart settled, but only slightly. “Do you miss him?”

“What?” She sat up and stared down at me. “Are you crazy?”

“Do you?” I followed her position and turned on the lamp. Even in her rumpled and disheveled state she was beautiful, but all I could think about was Graham’s arms around her, holding her, sweat staining the sheets as they made love.

“I don’t know why we’re discussing this. It’s late, and you have a big day coming up.”

“Answer the question, Hilary.”

She made annoyed sounds, but never looked at me. Instead, she stared at her fumbling hands. “I don’t miss him.” Her eyes shot up, tears filling them. “I miss what he took from me.”

“What did he take from you?”

“All that I gave without him ever giving back.” She shivered and crossed her arms, closing herself off. Her love was one-sided. I could feel her remorse.

“Tell me how you found out.”

Her eyes jolted to meet mine. “I don’t want—”

“Tell me. How did it go down?”

The breath she exhaled appeared to have been stuck inside her chest. It was most likely an attempt to keep her tears locked up. “My Motion Graphics class got canceled. It was a Wednesday, still fairly early. Graham said he had a meeting that morning, so before heading home, I got a coffee éclair and a mocha from Café Madeleine.”

“Damn, that sounds good.” I groaned quietly. A hint of a smile crossed her lips, but it was forced. I wouldn’t joke anymore. “Then what?”

“I got home, and I could hear loud bangs, and I thought…” She shook her head and looked away from me. “I thought it was the washing machine. I went upstairs, and it was off, which led me to the bedroom.”

I could guess what happened next, but I let her expel whatever demons she was carrying within her.

“His partner, Edie Hamill, was on top of him. He spent so many nights with her. Late meetings. Her perfect, round tits were unmoving as she bounced on his cock. Reverse cowgirl.” Her face had turned from sad to disgusted with the last words uttered.

“Jesus, what did you do?”

“I stood there with my coffee and pastry and stared. I just…watched. Finally, Edie opened her eyes. She screamed and rushed for the covers of our bed, and you know what Graham did? He put his arm around her and told her not to worry.”

“Asshole.” I wanted to kill him for the pain he caused. “What did you say to him?”

She inhaled, calmer now as she spoke, as if it was a dwindling memory. “Her boots were on the floor in front of me, so I poured my coffee over them.”

My mouth dropped open. “No fucking way!”

“Yeah, I figured I’d hit where it hurt. They were those fancy Gucci kind.”

“Nice one, kid.”

“It only made me feel better for a second. She yelled at me, Graham told me that I was being childish, so I went up to him and smashed the éclair in his face.”

I laughed. “Oh, shit! I wish I could’ve seen that.”

Her face brightened, and she nodded. “I told them both to leave, and they did. I threw most of Graham’s clothes out the window.”

“Did he come for the rest of his stuff?”

She grimaced, “Of course, he did. With a moving truck. He wanted everything. The artwork, posters, furniture…and I didn’t give a shit. He took it all.” That explained her minimalist lifestyle when I’d been there. “I even told him to take the filthy bed. The best part was threatening to throw his PlayStation out the window, though. You should’ve seen the look on his face.”

“It looked like this, didn’t it?” I scrunched my expression, and she busted out laughing. “Why is it that he always looks constipated when he’s worried?”

“He does!” She continued to laugh as I made the face again and again while making grunting noises. “Stop it.” She clutched her stomach, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. I was happy to put them there, but I needed more answers. I waited for her to recover.

“Why is it so difficult for you to get over him now? It’s been a year.”

“Zach, it’s bad enough breaking up with someone in general, but to see the person that’s a part of your life having sex with someone else…that was a level of devastation I just couldn’t handle.” Her eyes held grief. “I thought he was going to propose to me, you know. I saw a Cartier box. It was in one of his drawers. I spotted it while putting away his socks. It ended up being earrings for her.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, Hil.”

“I had told some classmates I thought he was going to pop the question, so, of course, it was awful when I had to explain to them that we broke up. I was mortified. The more I kept envisioning him and Edie, the more and more perfect I saw her. She was flawless in every way, gorgeous, and was giving him something I clearly couldn’t.”

“You’re gorgeous.” I clasped her hand in mine, kissing her palm. Why didn’t I say more? Like how I looked into her eyes and found comfort, saw home. Or that when I was in her arms, she was everything.

She gave a soft smile, not seeming convinced at my one statement—my weak, trivial sentence that didn’t begin to capture how much I cared for her. “I didn’t feel it at the time. Questions of why he went looking elsewhere, why I wasn’t good enough, plagued me. What if my boobs were too small? Maybe I was bad at sex. I couldn’t satisfy him. I wasn’t enough. I felt myself drifting away. My confidence disappeared, and I wasn’t who I used to be.”

“Hilary, you haven’t been who you were since you got with him,” I told her firmly. The fun, audacious, active bombshell blonde had become quiet, complacent, and compliant to a man who refused to let her shine.

“I know. I did everything for him.” I could hear the emotion tightening in her throat. “He told me he was moving in with her, and it was near my place. Zach, I ran into them everywhere. It was like a bad car wreck I couldn’t look away from. I would watch the way he’d have his arm wrapped around her or the way he’d kiss her. They’d be sitting at my favorite café, at my table, sharing a romantic breakfast together. All I kept thinking about was how she’d stolen my life. My man. My so-called dream. It made it impossible for me to move on.”

“I see the changes in you, but do you feel you have now?”

“Moved on?” She smiled. “Yeah, I feel like I’m finally finding myself. Who I am, what I want.”

“What is it you want?” My hope was for her to say me. My soul longed for her to give me everything.

Her voice was cautious, brow furrowed in concentration. “I want to be a full-time photographer. Have my own studio. Eventually, I want a family of my own with a man who truly loves and respects me.”

A family. That was something I couldn’t give her, not when she was my family, not when Evan and Katie and Rebecca would disapprove.

“You’ll get everything you want, Hilary. I believe that.” I hugged her to me, trying to grip some invisible link between us. It was on its way to breaking, and I could feel it. It would shatter, and I would bleed. I wasn’t sure I’d recover. I needed to hang on to this moment.

“I got a job offer,” she mumbled against my chest.

I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her away from me. “Say that again?”

“A job offer.” Her eyes were dark, almost black. I waited until she gave me more information to figure out why she seemed uncertain. “It’s for the Boston Herald. Just part-time, but they want me to take photos and do some write ups.”

My heart sped up, and my breath went shallow. I’d only had her a few months. I wasn’t ready to let her go. It couldn’t be the end of the line, not yet. “You’re working for the paper? You’re…leaving Austin.”

She shrugged. “I always planned to leave Austin, but this time, it’d be for a good reason. I have a week to decide.”

“What about your work with Grace? I thought you were going to make her some book covers?” My mind went over the things we had yet to do, the plans I still had. It sounded stupid, even to me, but I hoped she’d eventually fall for me.

“I can do that from Boston. If she wants to pick the models here or fly over there, that’ll be easy enough.”

I shook my head, my chest felt as if an anvil were on top of it. “But what about the portrait stuff? We’re all headed to Atlanta, and you’re not going? You can take everyone’s pictures. And your blog? Will you have time to work on that?”

She chuckled. “I can always go visit over the weekend and ask some of the actors and the director if I can take their photos.”

Her words were fading out. I clasped my chest and stood as she spoke of plans that didn’t include me. The world felt like it was caving in, and I had nobody to turn to. She would leave, and I’d be back working with Evan. Things would return to the way they were, except they’d never be the same. I was altered, and I couldn’t get the old me back. The man that didn’t care, didn’t love, didn’t commit…he was gone. At the same time, I wouldn’t beg her to stay if the job was what she wanted.

My breathing picked up. I paced; my hands ran through my hair. I slowed my breaths, lifted my arms, and remembered Josh’s instructions when something similar had happened before. “There’s a mahogany desk. It has an open laptop, an audio dock…” I muttered out loud without realizing what I was doing.

“Zach? Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine.” I told myself it wasn’t the end of the world; the reality was different from my notions of impending doom. I inhaled and exhaled, hooked my hands behind my head, and got myself together. My heart boomed, restless energy coursed through me like a racehorse. I stopped walking, opened my eyes, and saw concern written all over her face. I didn’t want her pity.

“Was that a panic attack?”

“I’m fine.” I gave her a look that warned her to back off, but she didn’t take the hint.

“Obviously not. That was clearly a panic episode. Have you talked to anyone about this? A therapist?”

“I don’t need to talk to a therapist,” I snapped. “I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.”

“Whoa, calm down. You’re stressed out. You take on too much, and I can tell it’s affecting you. I’m not stupid, Zach.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” I inwardly chastised myself for being a douchebag. My defenses were up, and I wasn’t sure how to handle the crazy fears in my head.

An irreverent laugh escaped as she spoke. “Wow. There’s the asshole again, making his appearance.”

Instead of admitting how I was terrified of losing her, I let my anger and hurt spill out. “Guess you haven’t learned from your mistakes, then? Jumping from one asshole to another. Maybe you’re the one who needs to talk to a therapist.”

“I have learned, that’s why we aren’t dating and only fucking.” I was stunned silent at her statement. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Go to sleep, Zach. Get rest. I’ll see you at the restaurant tomorrow.”

“Fine.” I stomped out of the room like a petulant child, and when I lay in my own bed, alone, I felt as if my heart were ripping to shreds.