Chapter Twenty-Nine

· hilary ·

“Do you want to tell me why you’re out with Arthur and me today instead of going to a certain someone and talking to him?”

My mother drank her margarita as I played with a tortilla chip, my appetite subdued. We sat on the deck overlooking Lake Austin at a restaurant called The Hula Hut.

Arthur Abbott was my mother’s boyfriend. Mom said her friend had come with her. I’d imagined it was our next-door neighbor, Kathy. Mr. Abbott used to be Evan and Zach’s eighth-grade English teacher. Now, he owned a bookstore in town. Mom had been talking to him, but I never assumed it was because they were dating. As soon as he excused himself from the table to take a call, my mother grilled me about Zach. I had a feeling this boyfriend of hers took the call on purpose.

It was reaching a week since the restaurant debacle, and figuring out what to do weighed heavily on my mind. I couldn’t impose on Renee much longer. She’d let me use her house and her car, all while Ben had been in town to visit. I had to take action and either go back to Boston or figure something out to help Zach get control of his shares.

I took a deep breath and dove in. “Well, Mom, I wanted to see if I could get a loan from you,” I said as I chewed my lip out of sheer nerves. Her gaze landed on mine. “A three-hundred-thousand-dollar loan.” My voice was meek.

She tilted her head and grinned. “Honey, absolutely not.”

“But, Mom, please!” I cried in desperation.

“Hilary Aubrey Matthews, you know I will not condone this behavior happening between the three of you. My goodness, I knew my children were stubborn, but this is ridiculous.”

I leaned back in my chair, deflated. “I’ll sell my condo to Graham, I guess.” My eyes peeked to hers as she stayed quiet, studying me. “Can I move in with you?”

“Nope.”

“Come on! Help me out, Momma.” I sighed. “Don’t you care about Zach’s dream? Evan’s gonna sell this thing off, and you’re just watching.”

“You guys will figure it out.”

How would it be figured out? I went to the bank, and the loan officer practically laughed me out the building. I debated bribing him with premier tickets to Evan’s movie. “I tried to get a loan, Mom. Please, help me here.” My mother just laughed as she ate her tacos. She was no help.

“Ooh!” I sat up. “I’ll sell Evan’s retainer on eBay.”

“You are focusing on the wrong thing, sweetheart.”

“What’s that mean?”

Mom lifted her sunglasses to her head and sipped on her margarita. “Why was it so easy to confront Evan and not Zach, huh? You haven’t talked to him. He doesn’t need the money, baby, he needs you.”

I picked at my cuticles out of nervous habit and said nothing. The sun was beginning to set, and it reminded me of that magic hour Zach loved. I missed the feeling of his arms around me, the warmth of his lips when they touched mine. I wanted to do right by him, be all he’d been for me. I wasn’t doing a good job. There were other reasons, too. I was a chickenshit.

“Mom…” I thought painstakingly about how to ask my question. “When something feels a certain way, how do you know that it’s right?”

“That’s a complicated question.” She set down her drink. “It depends on the situation, but most of the time, there’s a peace that comes with knowing when something’s right.”

“How can something that feels right be wrong, though?” I played with the food in my hands, not wanting to look at my mom.

“How is you being with Zach wrong?”

My eyes jerked to hers. She held no judgment toward me, only sat waiting, her eyes full of love, just like when I was a little girl. “I made a mess between us. I hurt him. I didn’t mean for him to get attached.”

She tilted her head. “You knew exactly what you meant to do. You’ve loved that boy since you were a child.” I gasped as my mouth dropped open. Her straightforward comment left me as frozen as her margarita. “I’m an observant woman, as you well know, honey. I’m also aware of your keen observational skills. You get that from me.”

“What?”

“You knew he liked you.” Her eyebrow lifted, and she tapped her manicured nail on the table. The waiter came out and brought me a refill of iced tea and replaced the basket of chips with a new one.

I spoke cautiously. “I knew he was attracted to me, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up that it was more than just physical.”

“Why not get your hopes up? It’s good to believe in some things.” She was still, steady, rooted and firm, even while under pressure. I wished I could be more like that.

“Because I’ve been disappointed before.”

“It’s better to hope for the chance of getting a small fraction of what you want, than to never hope at all and get nothing. Besides, he’s not like Graham.”

I rolled my eyes. I was well aware of it, but change was difficult for any person. One day, Zach would get a wandering eye, or get bored with me, or we’d have a fight, and things wouldn’t work. “Zach’s a player, Mom. He’s never been in a serious relationship.”

“That doesn’t matter. Sometimes, people behave a certain way for a certain reason.”

“This whole family situation doesn’t bother you? Evan and him fighting? Me and Evan fighting? You and Evan and me fighting?” Katie was the only stable one in the family. She was in Boston, living her life with her sweet husband and kid. I felt like the rest of us were insanity personified.

She waved her hand. “Not a bit. Your brother’s just melodramatic. He gets that from your father.” My eyes glazed over at the mention of my absentee parent, and I crossed my arms. “Oh, Hilary, get over this thing with your dad, please. I did.”

“He cheated on you.”

“Yes, he did, but we weren’t right for each other. We got married because I got pregnant with Katie. We were naïve, young, and impulsive. We stayed together to try and make it work, but that was worse in the long run.”

“He could’ve talked to you instead of skirting around behind your back.”

My mom closed her eyes and pulled in a deep breath, as she did when irritation surged through her. She wasn’t someone who lost her cool often, and it was because she took a moment to gather the proper words together. “Before we had you, we planned to divorce.”

I gawked at the information. “What? But…I was six when you guys…”

“We were in the process of getting lawyers, setting up the court date, and then I found out I was pregnant with you.” She glanced over at Mr. Abbott where he chatted away, looking toward the lake. “We stayed together, tried to make something work that just didn’t. I knew he wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy, but we both wanted to keep the family together. I wasn’t stunned when I found out about the affair, but it still affected me. He loved someone more, and that was what it took to finally make the right move.”

I thought over her comment. Would I have still been with Graham had he not cheated? Had I not caught him, would I have settled for less? Probably. Only to realize later that I wasn’t happy. “Then I’m glad you guys did what was best. But all these years without someone?”

“I was lonely, don’t get me wrong. Raising you kids was difficult, but it gave me purpose, and I did it well. And I took Zach in because I felt that boy’s pain, his isolation, his rejection by the people who were supposed to love him forever.”

Tears filled my eyes and spilled down my face as I recalled Zach’s childhood. Experiencing rejection and indifference from family had to be awful. Then I’d rejected him. I hadn’t told him I loved him. He expressed his love, and I stood there like an idiot, not responding. He had been so brave, and I was the coward.

“What is it, sweetie?” She took my hand in both of hers. “What is it you’re so scared of?”

I wiped my face with my free hand and took in air. “I’m scared Zach will hurt me one day. I’m afraid he’ll feel obligated to stay with me because he feels indebted to this family and that he’ll eventually hate me or cheat on me.”

“Hilary, that’s not possible.” She smiled and leaned forward as if more determined to get her point across. “That boy’s capacity to love is so large, he closed himself off to make sure he didn’t get wounded. And I knew that someday when he chose to love a woman, it would have to be someone he trusted with all his heart. He would never, ever say those important words to just anyone.”

“How do you know he said them?”

“We had a chat.”

“You talked to Zach?” My curiosity flew. They had obviously discussed me. What had he told her exactly? Had he changed his mind and decided he was better off without me in his life? What if he told her I was a bitch who left him alone after all he’d done for me? That I took what I wanted without thinking through the consequences? Evan was right. I was a selfish brat. “What…did he say?”

“He said he was sorry he didn’t ask my permission to date you first. Asked me to forgive him for disrespecting us, and you know...that he loves you.” She sighed. “That boy is too much for my heart to handle sometimes.”

“Mom...” I couldn’t breathe properly. My shoulders dropped, my heart pounded at the thought of him truly loving me. Accepting me. Desiring me. He was too much for my heart to handle. “What if we both screw it up?”

“I’m not saying it’s gonna to be easy. It won’t be. You’ll both struggle, but we know that Zachary loves himself some tough jobs. He took care of Evan all this time, then took you on, too. God bless him.”

I laughed through the tears, comforted by my mom’s words. “How do I know the love is real?”

“When a man gives it generously. Love is an action set by strength and ability, not just feelings. Feelings are fleeting, they can change. But when you love someone, you’re willing to commit wholeheartedly and do what it takes to let the other know it’s always there.”

I sniffled and dried my cheeks. In the distance was poor Arthur, making believe he was busy looking at his phone. He knew we needed to catch up and gave us our space. I leaned back on my chair as did my mother. “Your boyfriend’s nice, Mom.”

A flush crossed her cheeks, and she lifted her margarita in style. “He’s sweet.”

“You guys getting hitched soon?” My spirits were slightly lifted after our conversation. I ate more of the meal that I’d barely touched.

“Oh, honey, no.” She chuckled like a young schoolgirl. “But I know we’re meant to be.”

“How?” I asked curiously.

She winked. “When you know, you know.” Arthur finally approached and gave my mother a kiss. He chatted about his bookstore. It had been years since I’d seen Mom so happy, relaxed, and peaceful. They fit perfectly. And then I knew…Zach was my perfect fit.

“I need to go.” I shot up from my chair and kissed my mother on the cheek. “Mom, I know.”

She nodded. “I know you do.”

Four Years Earlier

“THANK GOD YOU’RE here. She won’t eat, she won’t even talk.” I could hear my brother down the hall, whispering to someone else. The front door closed, and I could hear footsteps approaching. I kept my eyes closed. Nobody could help ease the pain that surrounded my heart. I had been sucked into a black hole, and escaping was impossible.

Heat from my tears trailed down onto my pillow, and I buried my cheek in it, my body curling into a tight ball. I didn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, do anything. I just wanted sleep. That was the only thing I could do to push the pain of heartbreak away, but it was difficult to manage even that.

The door creaked open, and two sets of footsteps entered. I could hear sounds of movement, shifts of body weight, steady breathing, a soft whisper. One set of footsteps left, and the other approached. The bed sank down beside me, and I smelled sandalwood, pine, and mint. Shoes fell to the floor, and the body moved closer. A hand rested on my shoulder. I trembled as my breathing stopped, and a sob leaked from deep within my chest.

“Come here, kid. I’ve got you,” Zach whispered. I turned myself to him as he tucked his arm under me. I laid my head on his chest as his other arm wrapped around me, holding me tightly. “Let it out.” He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. “Cry it out, sweetheart.”

I wept, and for the first time since my heart had shattered, I fell asleep and stayed that way through the night.

It was all a dream. My arm stretched over, and the bed was empty. My mouth was dry, my eyes were swollen, and my head pounded. Was I hallucinating? I craned my neck up, and my blurry vision scanned my room. My heart jumped when the door cracked open. Zach leisurely strolled in with a tray in his hands. His viridescent eyes caught mine, and a shy grin played over his lips.

I plopped my head back onto the pillow and wished I could vanish from the world. I had all these plans for the future, dreams for Graham and me that would never play out. I knew I was acting irrationally, but at the moment, I couldn’t see over the horizon.

“Morning, sunshine.” Zach’s voice was soothing. “I made you some muesli. We’ve got toast, juice, and coffee.” I didn’t move. My head was heavy, my body was drained, and my dark cloud had yet to dissipate. I wasn’t sure if it ever would. He sat on the bed beside me, propped himself against the headboard, and put the tray on his lap. I turned to the other side so he wouldn’t see the tears well up in my eyes.

“Come on, Hil. I know this is tough, but I need you to eat something.” I concentrated on my breathing instead. I had to tell myself to keep doing it because there were points where I thought it didn’t matter.

I heard the crunching of toast. “It’s good,” he mumbled through the food. “I make great toast.” He paused. “I even put tons of butter. Just the way you like. Unless you want one of those disgusting Pop-Tart thingies in your cupboard.”

He sighed when I didn’t respond. “Hilary, I know you’re devastated right now. You have every right to be. You feel like the world is ending. Like your dreams are dashed. He moved on, his affections changed, and he didn’t let you know. I’m so sorry that happened to you, and I know that it feels like nobody understands. They don’t empathize with how awful heartbreak can be. I do, though. I think it’s worse than dealing with someone’s death, honestly.”

He didn’t speak anymore, so I turned toward him. My voice was creaky and dry. “How’s that?”

He looked down at me, his expression tender with sorrow lurking beneath. “When someone dies, they don’t always choose to leave. They don’t stop loving you on purpose. They don’t make and break a promise, saying they’ll always care for you. With a breakup, you have to go on, knowing they’re alive and happy without you in their life. And that’s difficult to adjust to.”

Zach had put into words exactly what had been in my mind. A fresh tear rolled down my cheek, and he leaned forward, catching it with his thumb. “You’ll get through it, kid. It’s better that it ended now instead of him giving you a fake promise and regretting it later. You’re the strongest woman I know. Besides Mom, anyway.”

He took another bite of toast and groaned. “It’s really delicious,” he said and held it under my nose. “I even got white bread. The bad stuff.” I tried to hide my smile as he danced it around in front of my mouth. “Do I have to use the airplane technique? It works on Jonah really well.”

I unexpectedly snatched the bread with my teeth and took a large chunk of it into my mouth and chewed. The taste was welcomed. He laughed. “Shit, you almost took my finger with that, Jaws.”

He put the toast down and picked up the spoon filled with muesli. “Come on, sit up and eat this, or I’ll have to airplane again. Surely you don’t want me doing that.”

I slowly sat up and quietly mumbled as he brought the spoon to my mouth. “I do. And don’t call me Shirley.”

He smiled at my attempted lame Airplane joke. “It’s a good sign if I’ve got you talking in movie quotes.”

Spoonful by spoonful, as if I were a helpless baby, he made sure I ate. He set the tray aside, and before he could leave the bed, I took his hand and squeezed it. His fingers laced with mine. Warm, strong, large, comforting. Zach was that for me in my darkest hour.

“Will you stay with me a bit longer?”

“Anything you need. I’m here for you, sweetheart.”

“Thank you for taking care of me, Zach.” I found solace as he held me. Somehow, someway, I’d be all right as long as I had him.