Chapter Twenty-Two
With a theatrical sigh, Lina flopped on to a bench and tugged at the ties of her bonnet. She was just about to lift it from her head to allow some much-needed air to circulate when Georgina gave her a sharp nudge in the ribs. Reluctantly Lina let her hands fall back to her sides, her bonnet still firmly in place covering her hair.
It was hot—far too hot to be wearing as many layers as Lina was dressed in and the cotton chemise and petticoats seemed to be sticking to her body every time she moved. She longed for her loose, cool skirt and blouse, which in the summer months she often wore with nothing else underneath. The people of London were sticklers for being appropriately dressed—that was, if you believed everything Georgina had to say—and everyone was strolling around Hyde Park with far too many layers to be comfortable.
‘We’ve got half an hour before your dress fitting,’ Georgina said, fanning herself delicately with a lace handheld fan. ‘Would you like to walk further or shall we sit here in the shade for a while?’
‘As much as I’m enjoying this heat, I worry for my complexion in the sun,’ Lina said, grinning at Georgina’s expression.
For the last four days, all the time they’d been in London, Georgina had been suggesting various methods to brighten Lina’s skin. Lina had endured hearing about the benefits of milk baths, the juice of lemons, a strange-smelling face cream and only being allowed out of the house with a bonnet and a parasol. She’d gone along with all of it, knowing that years of spending her days outside enjoying the feeling of the sun’s rays on her skin were not going to be reversed in a few short weeks. In addition, after Georgina had run halfway down the street after her and Alex when they’d left for a walk one day, Alex had told her he rather liked the freckles that were dotted over her nose and that he thought her skin was the colour of honey. She’d blushed when he’d leaned in and added, ‘Good enough to eat,’ in a low whisper.
‘How are you feeling about the Wilcox ball?’ Georgina asked as they sat side by side, watching the children play with their nursemaid in the distance.
‘A little nervous.’
In truth, she was petrified. Not of the ball—how bad could one evening be? No, Lina was petrified of the day after, the moment when she would have to bid farewell to Alex for ever. Although she had tried to prepare herself for the inevitable separation, she still knew her heart would break. If she wasn’t careful, she might fling herself at his feet and beg him to keep her as his mistress even just for a few weeks, in spite of what she had insisted.
‘I think you’ll do very well. You’ve worked so hard these last few weeks, you will fit in with all the other debutantes perfectly.’
Lina nodded absently. She could dance and converse and curtsy in all the right places. Her voice might not be as cultured as the other young women, her knowledge of the opera or Mozart’s piano concertos not so in depth, but she wasn’t expected to do more than make small talk and dance a few dances in order for Alex to win his wager. The only difficulty would be if anyone enquired as to her background, her family and their home. Alex didn’t think it would be a problem; the fact she was being sponsored by both himself and Georgina made up for her lack of pedigree.
‘I will miss you,’ Georgina said quietly, taking Lina’s hand and squeezing it. ‘We’ve had such fun this past month.’
‘I’ll miss you, too.’ It was the truth. Georgina was kind and good fun to be with, just like her brother. ‘Although I’m not sure I’ll miss all of this.’ Lina gestured to the outfit she was wearing and the parasol that laid by her side.
‘Nonsense. You’ll be wearing a bonnet whilst you tell fortunes at the next country fair.’ They both smiled, then sat in silence for a few minutes, before Georgina said softly, ‘Are you worried about leaving?’
‘I’m worried about going home. I’m not sure how I’ll fit in any more. These last few weeks I’ve seen so much, learnt so much, it’ll be difficult to go back to my old life.’
It was the truth, but more than that, Lina didn’t know how she would be able to live without seeing Alex every single day.
‘You’ll be glad to see your family, though?’ Georgina asked. ‘Your brother and your cousin?’
Unexpected tears filled Lina’s eyes. It was nearly six weeks since she’d last seen Raul and Sabina, and right now she could do with a strong hug from her brother and a long talk with her sensible and loving cousin.
‘I can’t wait to see them.’
Lina caught sight of Pentworthy strolling towards them, deep in conversation with a smartly dressed young man. It was wonderful to watch Georgina’s face light up as she spotted her husband and Lina wondered if she would ever get to experience that same happiness and contentment.
‘Miss Lock, may I introduce Mr Braithwaite,’ Pentworthy said as they approached the bench. Lina rose and dipped her head, smiling at the earnest young man in front of her. ‘Mr Braithwaite runs a large textile company up north. We were introduced by a mutual friend when Mr Braithwaite arrived in London.’
‘Miss Lock and I were just on our way to the dressmaker’s,’ Georgina said, placing her hand in the crook of her husband’s arm. ‘Perhaps you gentlemen have time to escort us?’
‘It would be my pleasure,’ Mr Braithwaite said, offering Lina his arm. His voice was low and rich, thick with a northern accent Lina recognised from time spent in Derbyshire a few years ago.
They walked, Lina ensuring her parasol was held high over her head to stop the sun from falling on her cheeks. As they made their way through Hyde Park, they talked about London life, about her stay with the Whitemore family, of the opera Mr Braithwaite had been to see the night before and a dozen other insignificant topics. The earnest young man was a perfectly good companion, perfectly nice, but Lina found herself wishing it were someone else leading her through the leafy park. Someone strong and tall, confident and easy in himself. Someone who would be conversing normally one second and leaning down to whisper something wicked in her ear the next second.
‘What do you think, Miss Lock?’ Mr Braithwaite asked.
Lina felt her eyes widen as she desperately tried to recall what they had been talking about before she’d slipped off into her daydream. They’d spoke a little of how fashions seemed to change so quickly in London, especially compared to the country, but she rather thought Mr Braithwaite might have moved on whilst her mind was elsewhere.
‘I completely agree, Mr Braithwaite,’ Lina said, trying to sound confident even though she had no idea what she was agreeing to.
Mr Braithwaite beamed and at the same moment a familiar figure came strolling down the path towards them. Before Lina could ascertain what statement she’d just agreed with so exuberantly, Alex was in front of them. Even in public, he stood just a little too close for propriety.
‘May I introduce Lord Whitemore, the Marquess of Essex.’ Lina paused, turning to Alex and finding herself stumbling over her words as she caught the flash of primal desire in his eyes. ‘And this is Mr Braithwaite.’
The two men shook hands, talking easily as they found out common acquaintances and experiences. All the while, Lina felt the heat rising in her body. It was a warm day, but even the heat from the sun couldn’t explain the burning sensation deep inside her. This was getting worse. A few weeks ago it had been just a slight tingle, a throb of anticipation every time Alex drew near. Now it was impossible to ignore the sizzle of desire and the need to be close to him. After any spell of time apart Lina felt almost bereaved and their reconciliation was verging on painful as she had to hold herself back from launching herself into his arms.
‘Steady,’ she whispered to herself. She’d managed to maintain her composure these last few weeks; she wouldn’t slip up in the final few days before the wager was over. It was important Alex didn’t know quite how much he affected her—although by the amused glint in his eyes she suspected she didn’t look quite as composed as she hoped.
‘Now you have your escort, I must take my leave,’ Mr Braithwaite said as they reached the entrance to Hyde Park.
‘Thank you for your company,’ Lina managed, smiling at Mr Braithwaite as he bid everyone goodbye.
Georgina and her husband were a few paces ahead as they left the park and Lina felt Alex slow to increase the distance between them.
‘Miss me?’ he murmured in her ear.
‘You’ve been somewhere?’ Lina asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
‘Your indifference would wound me,’ Alex said, ‘if I believed for a second you weren’t suffering in my absence.’
‘You have a very high opinion of yourself.’
‘Maybe you should see if it is justified.’
Alex was still pursuing her, still intent on making her his mistress. Since the ambush and their overnight sojourn in the barn he’d stopped trying to convince her it would only be a short-term affair, instead insisting they would both gain from the liaison.
‘Did you achieve all that you wanted to?’ Lina asked.
‘I did. I have a surprise for you later.’
‘What?’
‘It won’t be a surprise if I tell you.’
He wouldn’t budge on the subject, no matter how hard Lina tried, and she was still trying to wheedle information out of him as they entered the dressmaker’s.
‘This is where I leave you,’ Alex said.
‘Do you have to go?’
‘Why, do you need my help slipping out of that dress?’
‘I think the seamstress might protest if you step behind the curtain to do her job.’
‘I wasn’t thinking of doing her job.’
‘Truly, I don’t want to know what you’ve just said to make Lina blush that much,’ Georgina said, swooping in and taking Lina firmly by the arm. ‘Alex, go away. You’re not to see this dress until the night of the ball.’
The chaste kiss he gave her on the back of her hand had Lina’s legs feeling all wobbly as she entered the shop and she was grateful when one of the shop girls offered her and Georgina chairs to sit on whilst she fetched the dress.
As they sat and the shop girls flitted around, fetching and carrying all the while chattering away, Lina closed her eyes for a moment and tried to regain some equilibrium. These last few days in London had gone past in an absolute whirl and not an entirely good one. She’d shopped, taken tea, made small talk with women she had nothing in common with. It was only all made bearable by coming home to Alex every evening, joining him in his study before dinner, where they would discuss her day and he would make her laugh and make her blush. It made her realise it certainly wasn’t the lifestyle she was in love with. She would be happy if she never had to hold another parasol or spend six hours being measured for a dress again. No, the one thing she liked about her life these last few weeks was Alex.
‘Penny for your thoughts,’ Georgina said quietly.
‘I don’t know how you do it,’ Lina said. ‘The endless polite chit-chat, being perfectly presented all the time, never knowing who is watching you and who is judging you.’
Georgina shrugged in her ladylike manner. ‘I suppose when you’ve lived like this all your life it comes naturally.’
‘Very true.’
Lina knew she didn’t fit in in Alex’s world, not even as his mistress. She might be able to pull off one evening, one ball, but she couldn’t imagine living with this level of scrutiny the whole time.
As one of the shop girls invited her through to try on her dress for the Wilcox ball, Lina realised what she’d just thought. Not even as his mistress. It was getting harder and harder to resist Alex, to remember all the reasons why it would be a bad idea to give herself to him. In a way, it was a relief she had less than a week left in his company. When they were hundreds of miles apart, she couldn’t very easily succumb to his seduction. The only problem with that was that she wasn’t sure how she would survive without seeing his smile, feeling his hands grip hers and hearing his laugh every single day.
* * *
‘Close your eyes.’
‘Promise you won’t let me fall.’
‘I promise.’
Lina closed her eyes and felt Alex’s arms around her. She squealed, but dutifully kept her eyes closed.
‘I want you to imagine something. Can you do that for me?’
Lina nodded.
‘Imagine we’ve just been for a stroll in the park, it’s a warm day and we’ve returned here for refreshments and to rest after the exertion in the sunshine.’
‘Where is here?’
‘Shush. Be patient and let me paint you the picture.’
Lina truly didn’t know where they were. Alex had kept her occupied in the carriage ride over here, telling her a little about the guests he knew would be attending the Wilcox ball, and when they briefly stepped out on to the smart street she hadn’t recognised it, although that didn’t mean much after just a few days in London.
‘We have the whole afternoon ahead of us, the whole evening, the whole night to enjoy nothing but one another.’
Lina’s eyes shot open as Alex bent towards her and kissed her on the tip of her nose.
‘What is it?’
‘Rooms I have just acquired,’ Alex said, as if that were enough of an explanation.
They were standing in a large, sun-filled room, replete with splendid furniture and even a grand piano at one end.
‘Follow me,’ Alex said, taking Lina by the hand and pulling her through the doors into the hallway. Excitedly he flung doors open, announcing the purpose of each room, only stopping when he reached the bedroom.
Lina stepped inside. It was beautiful. A large, four-poster bed filled the centre of the room, but there was plenty of space for two armchairs and an ornate dressing table. Two good-sized windows let the afternoon sun in, which gave the room a warm glow. The view was of the street and beyond that a small park where children were happily playing.
‘It’s lovely, Alex,’ Lina said sadly.
He cupped her chin, gently tilting her head so she had to look up into his eyes.
‘It’s for us. Just for us.’
‘I know.’
The purpose of the rooms was clear. It was somewhere they could be together, somewhere they could fulfil the roles of aristocrat and mistress without society minding. The idea Lina might live in Alex’s main residence as his mistress was preposterous—she had to be hidden away somewhere secret and private.
‘How long have you rented them for?’ she asked, her voice flat.
‘Six months initially, but there is the option to extend.’
Six months. She supposed it was as good a length of time as any.
‘You don’t like it?’ Alex said, watching her face carefully.
‘There is absolutely nothing wrong with the rooms, Alex,’ Lina said, unsure whether she felt more hurt or angry.
‘Just imagine us spending lazy Sunday mornings in bed here. It would be sublime.’
‘Have you used it before?’ Lina asked.
‘Used it before?’ He looked confused.
‘For any of your other mistresses?’
‘No. I found it especially for us.’
She turned to the window, not wanting Alex to see the tears in her eyes.
‘I’m not going to be your mistress, Alex,’ she said, then dashed from the room and towards the stairs.
He caught her before she was halfway there.
‘I thought if you could see what our lives would be like—’ he started to say.
‘I can. It’s crystal clear, thank you very much. I would be shut away as your dirty little secret. My whole life would be waiting for you to call, wondering if you’d grown tired of me yet.’
Alex sighed and ran a hand through his hair. ‘It wouldn’t be like that, Lina.’ He paused. ‘I care for you.’
Her heart slammed against her ribs as he said the words. They weren’t words of love, but still more than he’d admitted up until now.
‘I can’t bear the thought of you walking out of my life in a few days.’
‘I can’t bear it, either,’ Lina said softly.
‘This is the only way we can be together.’
She shook her head, trying to stop the next words that were already tumbling out of her mouth. ‘I love you, Alex. I love you so much my heart sometimes feels like it is going to burst, but I will never be any man’s mistress, not even yours.’
He stiffened as if the declaration she’d just made was a physical blow. Lina knew she should just stop now, should back away and nurse her shattered dreams in private, but instead she heard herself carrying on, pushing Alex just that little bit further.
‘I love you, Alex,’ she repeated quietly. ‘I’ve been torturing myself these last few weeks. I need to know how you feel about me.’
Lina saw the panic in his eyes, the quickening of his breathing and the slight tremor of his hands.
‘Tell me you don’t love me,’ she said, looking directly into his eyes.
Slowly he shook his head, but seemed unable to speak. Lina felt a flare of hope and stepped towards him, reaching out and taking his hand in hers.
‘Do you love me, Alex?’ she asked again.
The silence stretched out before them like a gaping chasm and Lina felt her hopes and dreams come tumbling down around her shoulders. He couldn’t admit he loved her and couldn’t come out and tell her he didn’t.
With tears running down her cheeks Lina fled, slipping down the stairs and out of the door, darting through the streets in the late-afternoon sunshine, using every ounce of energy to keep moving, knowing if she stopped she would likely completely fall to pieces.